Little Moments

"So..." Cas said, feeling the awkward tension, "where does this leave us?"

"Honestly?" Dean looked into Castiel's deep blue eyes. "I don't know."

"If you're ashamed..." Cas started.

"No, that's not it," Dean interrupted. Cas gave him a knowing look. "Okay, it has something to do with that. But I also know I need to get over that. It's just...damn it, Cas, you really hurt me. And just because I love you doesn't change the fact I can't trust you with my heart anymore."

"You love me?"

Dean turned bright red. He hadn't meant to reveal that. But it was true. "I don't know. I guess so."

Cas smiled as he lit the first cigarette he's had in months. "I love you too, Dean." He inhaled and exhaled, blowing smoke out through his nose. "So why aren't we together yet?"

"Weren't you listening to a word I just said, Cas? You hurt me. I can't just let that go."

Cas flicked the ashes of his cigarette on the ground languidly. "Okay. Explain to me what I did wrong and I will try to fix it."

"Well for starters you pulled away from me without even giving me a reason. And then I have to find out from Bobby that you were sleeping with Crowley, when you knew how much I hate that Scottish dick. As if that didn't hurt enough, you almost killed my little brother because you were on drugs. You said you didn't care about me, we weren't family, I was dead to you, and then you tried to kill yourself, which gave you memory loss and led you to a stint in a mental institution. And you just didn't care about me through any of this. I know you didn't cheat on me with Crowley, but you knew there was feelings involved, and I don't do feelings...not after what happened to Lisa and Ben."

Castiel sighed deeply. "I apologize for hurting your brother, Dean. I was in a dark space, and everything that happened that one night was the drugs talking. I did not mean them. I had no right to hurt Sam, and I have already sent my deepest regrets to him. I understand what happened with Lisa hurt you, but you told me you felt nothing. You pushed me into being with Crowley. I am not the only one to blame for what happened between us. You have hurt me too."

Dean's eyes flashed with anger. Sammy never mentioned he'd talked to Cas about what happened. He'd forbidden his little brother from ever talking to him again, no matter what. This was not amusing to him.

"You don't do emotions at all, do you, Cas? Are you really that heartless?"

"I thought you didn't do emotions either. That was our deal, right? No emotional attachments, just a buddy for drinking and drugs? You changed the game without asking, Dean. You became too good for me. Why not pull away from you?"

"Bullshit! I will never be better than you! Do you even see yourself clearly? There is so much good about you that I can't even fathom. You're smarter than Sammy, and that's saying something. You're funny as hell. You are so different from anyone I've ever met and it kills me that you don't even try. I've had to work my whole life to be this charming guy that no one's gonna care about. I'm an alcoholic loser who's gonna work at Bobby's auto shop for the rest of my life. But you...you could be anything. You're a hundred times better than I am."

"Why do you hate yourself so much, Dean? You have no reason to. You have not been what I have been through."

"I don't know, Cas. I don't know. All I know is that when I'm hanging out with you, I can just forget all the reasons why life sucks. I feel whole."

Cas crushed his cigarette beneath the sole of his shoe and stood up off the curb of the sidewalk. He stepped up to Dean, who had been standing the entire time. Cas left no distance between the two men, and brought his lips up to Dean. Dean automatically parted his lips, and Cas dived his tongue into the man's mouth. Dean moaned as this happened, and crushed himself closer to Cas. He'd never felt this way before. Not with anyone, not even Lisa. He'd never known what love was like until it brought him to Castiel.

When they pulled apart, they just stared into each other's eyes, Cas's vivid blue sparkling, Dean's green ones becoming lighter with his happiness. They were both breathing heavily, too afraid to break up the moment.

"Dean," Cas said. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know, dude. You're the one that kissed me."

"But I wanted to."

"I wanted you to."

"You love me."

"I do."

"But I was with Crowley."

"I had no reason to be jealous."

"I hurt your brother."

"He forgave you for it."

"I hurt you."

"You can make up for it by being with me."

"Okay."

Castiel grabbed fast to Dean's hand, and they walked off together, free from all the angst they had been filled with for months. Neither one knew if this thing they had was going to last, but damn them if they weren't at least going to try.

"Hey, Sammy?" Dean asked, walking into his little brother's room and sitting on his bed.

"Hi Dean."

"So, Cas said he's talked to you about what happened."

Sam's eyes lit up. "You talked to him?"

"Yeah, I did."

"I know you didn't want me to talk to him because you were mad at him, but I wanted him to know I forgave him. I'm sorry if you're mad at me."

"Nah, Sammy, I'm not mad. It's okay."

"Good. So are you guys friends again? He really misses you."

Dean thought about how to answer that question. He and Cas were more than friends now. He hadn't told his parents yet about that. But he knew Sam would understand. He knew Cas better than his parents did. "That's the thing, Sammy. We aren't just friends."

"You finally admitted you were in love with him and now you two are in a relationship?"

Dean stared at his little brother incredulously. "Yeah, actually."

Sam just nodded. "Good. I think you might finally be happy."

"You know, things might get a little hairy when people find out. They're gonna take it out on you."

"I know, Dean. But there's nothing wrong with you and Castiel being together. I can take on those people. You know I can."

"Yeah, you're pretty strong for a little dude. I just wanted to make sure you understood first before I tell Mom and Dad."

"Dad's not going to be happy, you know."

"Yeah, well, Dad can suck it, bitch."

"Jerk."

Dean walked out of Sam's room smiling, happy his little brother approved.

His dad was working at Bobby's garage right now, but his mom, Mary, was humming a Beatles song quietly to herself while baking cookies on the kitchen. Dean slid into a stool at the island. "Hey Mom," he greeted.

"Dean. It's almost lunch, are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich."

"Nah, I can make it."

"No, just sit down and stay there. I'll make you a sandwich."

She got out the ingredients and made Dean a sandwich that looked like the best thing he'd ever eat. Dean took a few bites as Mary rolled out dough for the cookies.

"Hey, uh, Mom? You remember Castiel, right?"

"Of course I do. He was that close friend of yours who was involved with what happened to Sam last year."

"Yeah. He got out of the psych facility a few weeks ago."

"Sam told me. He was upset that you guys weren't friends because of what happened to him."

"Yeah, well I talked to him when he got out. We talked about why we stopped being friends, reasons that didn't have anything to do with Sammy."

Dean cleared his throat, scared to tell his mom.

Mary sensed something was wrong with her son. She stopped what she was doing and walked over to Dean, placed a hand on his shoulder. "Dean, are you okay, honey?"

"Mom, I'm not gay...at least, I don't think I am...but I started having feelings for Cas, and I guess we kind of took that to the next level."

"The next level?" She questioned.

"We're dating."

Mary smiled softly, and hugged her oldest son. "And whoever you choose to date is okay with me, whether it be a girl or a guy. Okay?"

"Thanks, Mom," Dean breathed out in relief.

"I would love to meet Castiel sometime when it's okay."

"Of course. How do you think Dad is gonna take this?"

"I'll talk to him, okay?"

"Okay."

Dean finished his sandwich and helped his mom bake cookies and tried to escape the concerns in his brain. Things might not last with Castiel; one could never be too sure where a relationship would lead. And his dad might never come to terms with his son falling for another dude—he was stubborn like that. But in this moment, Dean was the happiest he'd felt in a really long time, and he revelled in that feeling, grateful for his family and for second chances. Dean Winchester was blessed.