HORY SHIET. Le Senbei be back! I really didn't think I'd be posting or writing up anything for a while because I really made a huge mistake of saying that I would be used to my Uni schedule *Grovels on le ground*. And then I got inspired and here I am, posting at 3:30am. Huhuhu! I would like to say that my first priority in terms of updates would be 'The Warning Bells' followed by 'UFO' because UFO is just too plotty for me to type right now. I don't know, I've been typing up 18 page reports and working on an assessment every week so writing up plotty things is just a bit too much for me at this point!

Disclaimer: I do not own FT! I only own the story ideas!

Note: I hope this brightens up your day!

Title: Baby Army

Summary: "I need an army of babies Lucy. Now." When Natsu decides that subtlety doesn't cut it. One shot.

"Dude. Is it just me or is Jellal making his way to our table?"

"Uh gee, flame-brain, I wouldn't know but he seems to be approaching with great speed," Gray drawled out sarcastically before giving his frienemy a funny look, "Are you sweating?"

"Smile. Just smile and wave politely. Things go weird when Jellal comes along."

"Things go weird when you try to be polite, doofus. More like, we've got four empty seats surrounding us so he probably wants in on the bromance."

"Shut it frosty, I'm serious and ohgodhe'scomingover-"

"Hi Gray, Natsu."

"Hey Jellal, what's up?" Gray slid a mug of beer to the blue-haired man, not really minding the situation.

Natsu on the other hand, sunk deeper into his seat, only waving awkwardly in response. He watched in trepidation as the older male made himself comfortable at their table. It was like watching a horror movie in slow motion. Jellal pulled out a chair, the dragging of its wooden back legs along the floor making a screeching noise all the while. His super sensitive hearing reminded him of the sad fact that this was not a nightmare. His fate was sealed – Natsu Dragneel was doomed to participate in what he would call the awkwardest conversation ever.

"And there goes an empty seat." The dragonslayer muttered forlornly.

"Is there something wrong Natsu?"

"No, no, no – he's just uh, constipated." Gray Fullbuster – Crushing dreams and hopes since year X766.

"Then Wendy can-"

"I AM NOT!" Natsu crossed his arms angrily, ignoring the looks he got from the rest of his guild-mates.

"Dude, chill. Sorry Jellal, I don't know what's with him today."

"No, no, no! It's fine," Jellal spared Natsu a glance, eyes flickering with hesitance, "Natsu, are you perchance still feeling, uh, uncomfortable over the uh…broom closet incident?"

Natsu felt his ears burn and not for the first time, he felt like dying on the spot. He hated how Jellal had gone through the trouble of giving that horrible event a name. He hated how Jellal had stuttered like a schoolgirl while saying that. And what he hated even more was Gray's girly squeal because it sounded disgusting and promised him nothing but trouble.

"Oh. My. Gosh. What happened guys?"

Ugh. See? Things go weird when Jellal comes along. Jellal was the embodiment of all things awkward. Jellal should know when to stop and obviously that wasn't going to happen because from the few years that Natsu had known the man-

"Because Natsu, Erza and I really didn't kiss that one time and it was all an accident!"

"…"

And for the first (but not the last) time, the table of three was engulfed by complete silence. Gray looked positively shocked, jaw hanging low and all, but managed to regain his senses quickly. The ice mage gave the flustered blue-haired man a once over before turning to his rival who looked like he was ready to hurl himself off a cliff.

"Oh. You were right. Things go weird when Jellal comes along." He only received a pointed glare from the dragonslayer.

"You think?"

"Okay, I guess the conversation went off with a rocky start but still, I came to ask you guys for some serious advice."

Jellal looked at them nervously before taking a tentative sip from his mug.

"Dude, I'd hate to break it to you but I can't take you seriously when you're drinking like a girl…but yes, go on."

Jellal eyed the two males before him as if making sure he was asking the right people for help and when he decided that they were in fact reliable, he cleared his throat.

"So, I just had a chat with Erza."

"Oh god, we're going to be talking about Erza of all things?"

"Is there something wrong with talking about her, Natsu?"

"No, but when it's you talking about her then, yes."

"Oh."

Gray elbowed his rival and lowered his voice, "Flame-brain let the guy speak – he's asking us for a reason and you know why right?"

"Uh, because he doesn't have any friends?"

"That and he's desperate."

"Excuse me?"

"No, it's nothing Jellal! I was just telling Natsu here that we have to listen carefully because you're our friend and that means that your problems are our problems."

Jellal tensed for a second before bashfully turning to the side.

"Oh, uh, thank you. I didn't think you guys thought of me in that sense."

"But of course," Gray continued, sweat pouring down his face, "So, what is it about Erza that you…y'know?"

"Well, the other day, we were asked by Bisca and Alzack to look over Asuka since they were attending a shooting competition."

From the side, they heard Natsu choke on his drink.

"And did she ask you to do anything funny?"

"No? Why?"

"N-no. Just something that happened a few years ago. Uh, keep talking."

"Anyway, we spent the whole day walking around the town and eventually, we dropped Asuka back at the guild when her parents came back."

Gray stared at Jellal, waiting for him to resume his story. "And?"

"Oh. That was it."

"…"

"So, you had a field day and had a blast…what advice were you hoping for us to give you?"

"Well, Erza ended up saying that kids were nice."

"Okay?" Natsu and Gray shared a confused look, not sure where this pathetic excuse of a conversation was heading. Kids…were generally nice, right? They lifted up their mugs to take another sip of alcohol, not anticipating their conversation buddy's next words.

"…I think she wants babies."

And that was when Jellal had two mouthfuls of beer sprayed onto his face.

"SHE WHAT?!"

"Thanks guys – I was right in talking to you two about it. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest." Jellal rose from his seat and with a wave, sauntered over to some other part of the guild.

In the end, no advice had to be given to the bloke and instead, Natsu and Gray looked as if they had witnessed the apocalypse itself. What the shit did Jellal think he had achieved by scarring them for life?! More like, how could merely talking about this horrible predicament ease his nerves? There was something very wrong with him.

"Oh. My. God. We are so doomed." Gray paled considerably as he watched Jellal's figure disappear into the crowd. Jellal and Erza were the type of people to go overboard – what difference would there be between baby-making and world domination or fighting? The images that sped through his mind like a fast-forwarded roll of film made him want to cry himself to sleep. Rows and rows, and goddammit, more rows of red and blue-haired babies armed with machetes and knives and other sharp, pointy things- THINK OF MANKIND! The ice mage quickly turned to face his rival, eyes bloodshot from thinking of the catastrophe that would otherwise be death by the hands of Satan spawn. He placed a clammy hand on the dragonslayer's shoulder.

"Natsu, I know we're not exactly on the best of terms but we have to combine our forces and save ourselves! No, the WORLD!" He stammered; face stony and determined.

"But how Gray, how?!" In any other situation, he would have laughed at the broken voice of his frienemy but now was not the time.

"We can't hurt babies."

The two stilled for a moment.

"You're right Natsu, we can't hurt babies but do you know what can?"

"W-what?"

"Babies."

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me – we can make our own army of babies."

"Okay? So what, do we go to the adoption centre or something?" Gray only chuckled and shook his head.

"Oh flame-brain, we can't use ordinary babies. I meant we make our own army of babies – as in, you know, enlisting the help of our own flesh and blood."

"That sounds disgusting."

"But doable."

"Anyhow, it's a good thing that I've been going out with Juvia for the past 5 years or so…"

"Wait. What about me?"

"…Lucy?"

"But we're not-"

"And that's why you need to." Natsu resisted the urge to punch Gray's smart-aleck face in, instead settling on stomping angrily out of the guild to where he knew Lucy would be. He ignored Gray's cry of "This should have been done at least 5 years ago!"

Meanwhile, the guild's females who had taken the liberty of dining at the new portside café, held a conversation of their own.

"Oh Erza! I'll have to thank you again for taking care of Asuka," Bisca looked over at the woman happily, "I knew you'd do a good job but she wasn't too much trouble, was she?"

Erza offered Bisca a small smile, "No, I quite enjoyed myself that day."

"Oh? You mean with Asuka or with Jellal?" The rest of the girls giggled at Erza's tomato red face.

"W-what?! Mirajane, I-"

"Yes?"

"Okay fine, I liked it okay. I think…it would be nice if we moved to the next step of our relationship," Erza admitted, eyes focused on her strawberry cake.

The group went silent for a moment, wondering what to say next when Levy finally decided to speak up.

"And that next step would be…starting a family?"

"N-NO! I mean, I'm still only 24 and well, I was just thinking along the lines of…engagement."

"Oh! That's great Erza!"

"Now all we need to do is to get Jellal to man up!" Lucy and the rest laughed at Cana's words, oblivious to the fact that yes, Jellal was far, far ahead of them in terms of relationship progression.

"So, everyone seems to be going good on the relationship end of things 'ey?" Cana wore a sly grin on her face as she eyed each of her friends. Lucy felt a sense of dread fill her and quickly decided to take a sip of tea before anything too outrageous happened.

"Oh Lucy! How are you and Natsu…progressing?"

There it was. The question that had plagued her since she had joined the guild and for some reason or the other, the frequency in which she had to face this question seemed to increase especially after Juvia and Gray had gotten together…5 years ago. Admittedly, their progress seemed to be lacking when compared to the rest of the people but it wasn't as if it didn't exist. It had been a somewhat silent transition from best friends to something more and even then, they hadn't exactly announced their feelings for each other. The intimacy shared between them was obvious to the guild but Lucy liked to think that they were in their own way, going at their own pace. In short, they weren't exactly official. They hugged, had small gestures that showed that they cared more about each other than anyone else, and shared moments together that were definitely more on the intimate side of things but they had never really kissed or gone any further than that. Lucy let out a sigh, feeling the burden of her friends' prying nature weighing down on her.

"We're going at our own pace," She replied brusquely, making it clear that she didn't want to stay on this topic. Sadly, her friends thought otherwise.

"Oh come on! It's been like, six and a half years already! 13 and a half if you include the time-skip!"

Lucy felt her anger rising.

"Well, I-"

"LUCYYYYYY!"

"Well speak of the devil! He's sprinting all the way over here like a crazy person." Cana nudged Lucy on the side, laughing when she received a glare from the blonde.

"Lucy," Natsu huffed, coming to a stop in front of her, "I was looking for you."

"I thought I told you that I was with the girls?"

"Well, yeah, I knew that much but this was important and I really needed to, uh, y'know…ask you something. I'm not interrupting too much, am I?"

Lucy blushed slightly at his boyish grin, glad that he hadn't heard their conversation.

"Uh…"

"No, of course you weren't - we were just talking about you." Cana beamed from the side, much to Lucy's chagrin and Natsu's confusion.

"Oh, okay then?"

"So, what did you want to ask me?" Lucy had turned her seat to the side so that Natsu stood in front of her. She felt slightly nervous with him looming over her and his silence did nothing to slow her heartbeat.

"Hmmm."

"Natsu?" The blonde squeaked when he placed his hands on her shoulder and bent down so that they were at eye-level.

"Lucy, I can't really ask this from anyone else but…"

Lucy's face flushed red, the silence of the table and curious stares of her friends making her want to melt into a puddle and hopefully, slither away to someplace far, far away. Why, oh why was he stalling so much?

"Yes?"

"I…need," The dragonslayer seemed to struggle a bit with his words, face going pink when he peered at her chocolate eyes, "I NEED AN ARMY OF BABIES AND IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!"

And now, the whole café had gone silent. Lucy swore that at least five people had dropped their cutlery or jaws to the ground but at this point in time, she couldn't care less. She sighed.

"Natsu," She began, voice laced with false joy (not that he knew). The blonde reached for his scarf that draped itself messily across his neck and began to straighten it out a bit.

"Is that a yes?"

And then with the strength that one could only garner from going on hundreds of life endangering missions, she wrenched him forward and punched him so hard in the face that everyone within a 5 metre radius could hear the sickening crunch of his jaw.

"YOU FREAKIN' MORON! WE HAVEN'T EVEN KISSED ONCE AND YOU'RE ASKING FOR AN ARMY OF BABIES?! GO TO HELL!"

Gray who had left to see Juvia (who also happened to be at the café) could only wince as Lisanna tried to calm the livid blonde down. It occurred to him that this probably wasn't such a good idea after all, asking in public and all. He shook his head, wondering what on Earthland he was thinking for being so forward. He would ask Juvia for an army of babies in the privacy of his house thank you very much. He turned away to walk back to the guild, feeling slightly guilty for leaving behind his rival. And then he saw it. A contemplative Jellal who had obliviously watched the tragedy unfold. The ice mage narrowed his eyes. The bane of his and Natsu's lives stood by the corner of a nearby building, seemingly deep in thought. Gray nearly felt like crying when Jellal walked off in the direction of the jewellers, probably for an engagement ring. That bastard. Well, that was one way of solving the issue.

EXTRA:

Natsu groaned as he tried to eat another spoon of Mirajane's special mashed peas.

"Thish hurtsh sho muches." He complained while shoving the spoon into his mouth.

"Well, you deserved it."

"Lucyyyyyy~"

"What?!"

"Give me another one to make me feel better."

"Another what? Another punch to the face?"

"What, no way! I want a kiss!"

Snapping her book shut, Lucy turned to face her whining boyfriend. His puppy dog eyes always worked wonders and this time was no different.

"You, Natsu Dragneel, are such a pain."

He grinned victoriously as she leant over and pressed her lips against his.

"I SO CALLED THIS!" Gray yelled from the side.

This is a bit on the crack side and I added in the extra at the last minute as well since...I thought it'd be nice to end it with that :D ! Also, I do think that Jellal is an awkward character but yes, I had my own take on him. Writing the girl's side and guy's side of the story made me feel as if I was writing different fanfictions!

And for the love of all rice crackers, please review! I kind of struggled with writing this a bit since it's been so long since I've written like this *Insert le rusty writing skills*

Once again, Cup Ramen and I love you all! I hope you guys have a great day :D !