A/N: This was written because I have a sick imagination and I have watched too many movies about adults trying to replace kids or make them something they're not (like Insidious and The House at the End of the Street). So I thought… what if the kids did that? A warning, though, this is kinda dark.

I don't own Ed, Edd and Eddy.

Edd's Problem

Edd walked down the stairs, hoping against hope that his parental parties had his breakfast prepared, but they were so utterly useless, or rather his Daddy was – he had to contemplate getting another one.

He pulled up his left sock on the bottom stair, then deciding against it and folding it down neatly. He made sure they were absolutely perfectly the same before continuing through the living room to the kitchen. He pulled his long hair into an impromptu ponytail; he didn't want to get muesli in his hair or hair in his breakfast cereal, it would get messy messy messy... He liked his hair this long, because it went against what his father liked.

Two individuals were seated behind the table, and the moment they spotted their son, their expressions changed into something more along the line of terror. Or his Daddy's did, his Mommy's expression was just a bit strained. He guessed Mommy didn't like the new Daddy – nor did he, as a matter of fact.

"Good morning, Mommy," He kissed the black haired woman on the cheek, she smelled like cleaning detergent and oranges, before looking at the man with equally black hair and patting him on the shoulder, "Daddy."

"Morning son," Mommy replied pleasantly, a smile on her pretty face, though Edd could tell it was too obligatory to be natural, and he balled his hands into fists. He walked over to the refrigerator and got out a carton of milk and an apple. He set both down and sat down between the couple, deciding to exonerate Mommy's fake smile. He picked up his spoon to dip it into his muesli when Daddy spoke.

"Hello, son, sleep well?" Daddy asked, and the spoon went soaring. It clattered to the floorboards raucously, and Mommy leaped up, crossing to the washbasin, getting a wet cloth and cleaning it up.

Edd looked at Daddy dangerously, and Daddy contracted, his eyes growing wide and his pupils dilating, showing the fear inside.

"I apologise! I meant… did you sleep well?" Daddy quickly fixed his mistake, but his bottom lip quivered. Edd pushed his breakfast across the table, causing the bowl to clatter to the floor and break into smithereens. Mommy jumped at the impact, and she scurried over to the bowl, quickly picking it up, the porcelain piercing her skin and drawing blood, but she worked against the blood dripping from her hands into the breakfast – she would just make more, but Edd would hate it if it stayed on the floor and then it would all messy messy messy and sticky sticky sticky…

Edd rose from his chair, causing Daddy to shrivel even more.

Edd moved gradually at first, his left hand gripping the bread knife Mommy had left on the table from her and Daddy's toast. He let them eat what they wanted, just as long as his breakfast was perfect.

Mommy was busy sponging the floor busily, her head cast down. Edd had always adored Mommy, she had always been the most thoughtful of them, and she'd also been there the longest.

But it was time for an original Daddy, he thought, one with appropriate punctuation. One who wouldn't be so preoccupied with sports, one who wouldn't be so disappointed in him, one who would support him with his science schemes and one who would be kinder about his hair. He had given this Daddy enough chances, and enough admonitions, he even let Mommy speak to him to show him the procedures and everything, so that he would not make Edd angry.

He had taken off his hat a few years ago, at his fourteenth birthday party, so everyone could see what was going on. He had unbelievably curly hair under his hat, and the years of wearing a hat was growing annoying.

His father hadn't like his hair, he had said it was too curly, too girly for his taste, and he didn't want a stupid faggot as a son.

That was why his father had to go. He didn't like it. He didn't like being ridiculed. He had to get a new daddy: a new, more compliant daddy, who would like his hair.

He saw Mommy peak at him over the table, but quickly dipped back when she saw the knife in his hand. Daddy got up, as if to run away, but Edd quickly swiped the knife across his oesophagus, causing the man to splutter, the blood to seep down his neck onto his white-checkered shirt.

He turned around and left it there, not waiting to see the last few streams of pulsating blood leave Daddy's body, leaving the clean-up for Mommy. She didn't say anything, and she didn't even whimper or make a noise. She knew better, she was his third Mommy. His first Mommy had tried to institutionalise him after he killed his father, and she had to go too.

The second Mommy tried to escape when he was at school, and she found out that Edd wasn't alone, he had a helper in his sick situation: Sarah. She was already mentally unstable, and Edd hadn't needed to do much convincing to get her in on the case. She would do absolutely anything for him.

She had tabs on his Mommy and Daddy, and she had killed his second Mommy for him, because he hadn't been able to, he was partaking in the Academic Decathlon that afternoon, and he had instructed his Mommy not to go.

His third Mommy had been a waitress at a restaurant in the next town, he couldn't take anyone local. And his parents had never been very social with the other parents, so the fact that his Daddy kept changing didn't exactly bother anyone.

He went back to his bedroom, got his backpack, and walked back to the kitchen. Mommy had already made him another bowl of bran with warm, skimmed milk and sliced berries. He sat down at his old chair, while Mommy did her clean up. She wiped up the blood from the floor and the chair, wrapping a dishcloth around his neck to stop more blood. She would later wash the clothes and put it away for his new Daddy to wear. Then she would bury the body with the others before writing a few sticky notes and going to work.

Edd and Sarah would go looking for another Daddy that afternoon; he would take the car and drive the two of them over to one of the next towns. Ed and Eddy wouldn't question it, because, according to them, he and Sarah were dating; but she was just a pawn in his operation to find the perfect Mommy and Daddy.

He kissed her goodbye and headed for the door when she called him back. She took the bloody bread knife from his hand, wiped his hand, pulled the band from his hair, allowing his curls to fall freely, and kissed him on the forehead.

"My beautiful boy." She whispered to him, and he returned her embrace.

He knew that she observed him leave for school, he also knew that she had out a neatly wrapped tuna and mayonnaise sandwich and apple juice in his bag, the way he liked it, cut neatly into triangles.

He knew that she liked him… when he wasn't in a bad mood, like he was today. She loved his beautiful curls, and hoped he could get a Daddy that would like it too. She hadn't liked this Daddy, but she absolutely loved the teenager she cared for. Of course he cared for her too, in a way, because he hadn't killed her yet and he didn't have any plans on doing it either; she even read his diary.

He didn't mind, because he wrote her little personal messages at the end of every entry.

This was madness, and he knew that she knew he was insane, but she didn't care. She had a beautiful baby boy and that was all she needed.

…

A/N: I'm sorry if this is a bit crazy and nonsensical, but he's supposed to be insane…