Ikkaku growled to himself as he looked through the pregnancy tests, yeast-infection cures, condoms, and flavored lubrication.

Fucking Renji. Fucking Ichigo. Fucking Renji and Ichigo who were fucking each other and making him go buy condoms and shit. Ikkaku needed to find some new friends, ones that didn't make him do solids like this — it's goddamn nasty is what it is!

Of course, Ikkaku was smart enough to do this while he was grocery shopping, as he'd obsessed over how to make that kind of purchase for all of last night. He wouldn't admit it to Renji, you see, but he's never bought condoms before, and now that he had to — because he never chickens out on a bet! — he'd come up with a plan. The plan was basically to hide the condoms with a bunch of groceries.

At least then the embarrassment would be minimized that way, and he wouldn't be that guy that had just come into the store only for condoms. No, instead he could bury them at the bottom of his cart until it was time to check out, at which point he could stuff the box on the conveyor belt with a bunch of food. It was less conspicuous that way; he could act like the condoms hadn't been the entire point of coming to the grocery store. Don't think he's going to make eye-contact with the cashier either! He doesn't care if he ends up looking rude, he doesn't want that awkwardness to happen!

Maybe he was overthinking this. Seriously, he was a grown-ass man, and it wasn't that big of a deal. No one was gonna' look at him funny, and if they did, then so what? Who gave a shit? The condoms weren't even for him!

Ugh, why does he have to do this. He wants out.

Ikkaku's not a coward, okay, but he hates awkwardness, can't stand that shit, and he wants no part of this. He kept trying to tell himself that nothing bad was going to happen and that he could walk out of here with his pride in under an hour. It's no big deal. He just had to walk in, shop, walk to the cash register, pay, and then leave. That's all he had to do. Simple. Five-step plan.

Goddamn, he's nervous.

Ikkaku grabbed the box and chucked it in his cart with a scowl. This was all Renji's fault. He would pay for Ikkaku's humiliation.

He took his heavy bag off his shoulder and set it in the baby seat of the cart, coins clinking loudly when it was dropped. Taking a deep breath, his head down with a deep sense of disgrace, Ikkaku marched out of the pharmacy-section. He needed some fucking ice cream.

After approximately ten minutes of wandering around and filling his cart with freezer food, chips, beer, and cookies, he did the walk of shame towards one of the check-out aisles, slightly flustered about what was coming next. Oh, he was gonna' get Renji back for this big time.

Waiting in line, he tried to chill out so that he didn't make an ass of himself when the moment came. He only had to wait a few minutes for the line to disappear, so he took the opportunity to flick through a couple of magazines and pick a few packs of gum. It would be easier to be nonchalant about making the purchase if he could pretend to be preoccupied with something else. Apparently, he'd actually drifted off when he was just supposed to be pretending, because the next thing he knew, he was being sassed by a stranger: a store-employee.

"Sir, did you hear me? Are you deaf or just ugly?" came the cashier's snarky voice.

Ikkaku's eyebrow twitched as he returned the tabloid magazine to the rack. That didn't make any fucking sense, but it was still an insult, plain and simple. This guy was wearing on Ikkaku's last solitary nerve. "I don't think they pay you ta' talk back to me," he snapped.

"You weren't answering," said the voice in a mocking tone. "You'd think that without hair, you'd hear better."

Fuck! Ikkaku is this close to blowing his stack. Did this shit for brains really just go there?

Forget being called out for buying condoms; this was serious. They'd mentioned his hair — or his lack thereof, no big difference. Enough with the hair jokes. Ikkaku had heard them all by this point, and it was seriously getting old. He'd heard everything from cue-ball, to dango, to stupid puns about using his head to tell fortunes, to warning him not to cause an eclipse, and he'd — had — enough.

Mocking him, Ikkaku repeated his sentence starter with a grimace, "You'd think that with snark like yours, you wouldn't be allowed to work in the service industry. You're supposed to be nice to me, but you're a shit cashier"

"Oh yes, my deepest apologies. Not being nice to you has been my greatest failing in life," came the sarcastic retort less than a second later. Ugh! Ikkaku was this close!

"Who the hell do you think you are?! You'd better shut the hell up before I sic the manager on your ass. " He started putting his stuff on the counter, feeling sort of like he was trying to smuggle a bomb onto a plane when he put the condoms on there. Hopefully the cashier would just be professional and not mention them — probably not, now that he'd provoked him, goddamn it.

He finally shot him a look, and just stands there in surprise for a second. It's a guy, of course, but he's really... really good-looking. Like... damn.

… Maybe Ikkaku would forgive him for back-talking him.

"That wouldn't be so bad," the cashier mused, looking over in the direction Ikkaku assumed the manager was in. "I don't really like this job. Too many ugly rude people in a hurry. Besides, I find that customers are very cruel to male cashiers," the cashier said more good-naturedly, making conversation as he scanned the barcodes on his snacks. Just like that, the tense atmosphere dropped, and Ikkaku felt this tightness in his gut release.

Ikkaku shrugged slightly, eyes stuck on the guy's face like a magnet. Wow, look at those eyelashes… Aw shit, he just couldn't stay mad at him.

"Eh, sounds like you can fend for yourself with a mouth like that. Your tongue's sharp." If it had been anyone else, Ikkaku probably would've hit them and then washed their mouth out with soap, especially for that 'bald' jab, but maybe... maybe he'd let the guy live. It had seemed harmless enough, because their conversation was already headed in a better direction. At least they weren't threatening each other anymore.

The pretty guy stuck out his tongue at him with a coy grin. "Yep," Ikkaku said, as if he'd just proven that his tongue was in fact sharp. "If anyone messes with ya', you could just smack em' down real easy," he finished, realizing that he had been staring with his mouth open like some stupid fish… "But not me," Ikkaku then asserted, bolstering his chest a little.

"Yes," the man replied disinterestedly, asking for his ID to sell him his liquor. Ikkaku opened his wallet and showed him, and the guy leans closer, giving Ikkaku an eyeful of his nametag.

'Ayasegawa Yumichika. Pretty name.' As Ikkaku raked him with starry adoring eyes, he paused in his work for a moment. Ikkaku took a step back when he realized what Yumichika had unearthed.

The cashier eyed his dreaded purchase: one box of Okamoto 0.02 condoms and a few different kinds of lube. Aw shit, it's over. Ikkaku had to become a citizen erased and leave the country. Name change and everything.

"Should I ask?" the pretty guy asked flatly, holding up the box, sounding bitter and maybe even disappointed. Ikkaku cringed, getting flustered. This was what he had dreaded, that look.

"Scan them. I need them," Ikkaku said shortly, avoiding eye-contact at all costs.

"You need .02 Large? Seriously?" Yumichika raised an eyebrow skeptically. Ikkaku choked on his own spit.

"You- You've got it wrong! They-" Ikkaku stuttered, cheeks turning red. Resorting to telling the truth rather than thinking up some ridiculous lie, he tried to control how high his voice had gotten for a moment. "They're not for me. They're for my friend," he said sincerely, practically begging Yumichika to believe him. Yumichika obviously didn't buy a word of it and gave him a bitter sly smirk.

"Ah yes, your 'friend.' I've got it now-"

"You jerk!" Ikkaku shouted, drawing attention to himself. He lowered his voice right away, shoulders hunching up around his ears as he got in the cashier's face. He snarled at Yumichika and his stupid joke, hating how the guy just raised his eyebrow and how hot he looked doing it. "Listen you, what do you think this is, huh? I told you they're for my friend and they are — haven't you ever lost a goddamn bet before, huh?"

"I've never heard of a straight man buying condoms for another man," Yumichika said stoically, bagging his items. "Unless you're gay."

"So what if I am," Ikkaku said slowly, narrowing his eyes, feeling like he'd been talked in a circle. He got an inkling that the guy had just twisted the conversation the way he'd wanted it to go… He had, hadn't he… Just to figure out whether or not he was gay?

Ikkaku assumed that it was kind of dangerous for a gay guy to make the first move on someone that they didn't know, because there was always that risk of being rejected with disgust. Had Yumichika just gamed him? Was he flirting with him?…

Ikkaku suddenly felt a whole different kind of embarrassed, but also a little excited. This warm fluttering started up in his stomach, making him feel like both puking and smiling while grabbing his cheeks. Does Yumichika... like him?

"So nothing," Yumichika said, and Ikkaku practically squirmed where he stood.

"I told you I lost a bet — they're for him an' his boyfriend. He was tryina' embarrass me."

"So you're not planning on getting lucky, then?" Yumichika asked coyly, drumming his nails on the box before moving to bag them. Seeing the interest in Yumichika's smiling eyes, he felt a small flutter of courage.

He wasn't a dating kind of guy, but he'd always been a sucker for a thrill.

Ikkaku spat out the words, surprisingly steady. "Maybe I'd be lucky if you'd go out with me."

Yumichika stared him down, searching his face for something. Ikkaku didn't breathe, waiting for an answer, his tingling nerves making him restless.

He seemed flattered then, trying to maintain his aloof, uninterested attitude, but failing rather badly, which made Ikkaku start to smile. He crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows with his eyes closed. "Alright. I'll go out on your stupid little date." Ikkaku grinned widely, but Yumichika stopped him by pointing in his face warningly. "But you won't be getting lucky with me," he said sharply.

"Too late for that — I just did!" Ikkaku said, beaming. Yumichika gave him a surprised look for a moment, before melting into a smile, laughing a little at his oddly sweet enthusiasm.