Alison forced herself down the hallway, out the door and into the night without a jacket, without her left earring and her necklace, her cross. Probably more was missing off her, but she didn't know specifics yet. She felt the Canadian cold against her shoulders, pounding through her thin fleece top and pressing into her skin. The thin material of her yoga pants felt like they took more warmth from her than they gave. The walk across the quad felt like traveling miles, in seconds.

Because before she knew it she was in front of her dorm hall, completely exhausted, pulling together all her strength to open the door. Heat flooded into her airspace, and she took it in. But it smelled like his. His dorm's hallway, it looked exactly the same. Smelled the same. Felt the same. She paused, stopped mid exhale. Maybe she should go back outside…

"Are you okay?"

The soft sound of a woman's voice. Alison felt relived; she didn't think she could deal with any more college men. The woman was standing in a doorway fifteen feet ahead, in a tank top and pajama pants. She was holding a small green bag in her left hand.

Alison didn't answer her. She didn't know how to.

"Sorry, I don't mean to, um, bother you. I was just coming back from the bathroom," she held up her bag for proof, "and I saw you come in, and you look…scared."

"I'm…"

She didn't know what to say. So she shook her head and stayed there, only moving her eyes down from the woman's and to the tiled ground.

"Hey," the stranger took the steps forward to meet her, and soon she was in front of Alison, trying to look into her to figure out what was wrong.

Whoa. Wait. Alison didn't know how it'd even happened, she didn't think it through. But she was falling into this woman, and her arms were catching her. And then she was crying. And the stranger just held her and whispered words that Alison could barely make out over the sound of her own heartbeat.

"Hey, baby hey, come here, come on." She was pulling Alison gently, and Alison was following her because she didn't know what else to do. She didn't even know the girl's name. But she thought she'd seen her around before, even though Alison's room was on the third floor. On the door, her name, in bright yellow letters. Beth.

"You're the RA?"

"Oh god no. Why?"

Alison's voice was soft and barely there. "You have a single."

They were inside the room now, Beth gently pushing Alison in front of her so she could close the door behind them. Then she touched Alison's arms lightly, leading her over to her bed. They both sat down, Alison facing away from Beth. She was crying harder, and Beth started rubbing circles into her back.

"I'm track captain." she said. "They wanted to keep me on the same floor as some of the guys, and the consolation prize for keeping an eye on them was no roommate. You're…Alison, right?"

Alison nodded. "You know a friend of mine." Beth said with a smile.

Not him. No. Please, not him.

"Raj. You guys have bio together right?"

And it's wasn't him. Thank god.

"W-we study together, sometimes. He sits next to me."

Beth smiled lightly, nodding. "Yeah, he says you've really kicked his ass into shape, that you're quite the organizer when it comes to notes."

Alison brought her hand to her face to wipe away the tears, and Beth stopped her. She grabbed her wrist. Beth's other hand moved to Alison's chin, turning her face 'til she could see her directly. Quickly, Beth leaned forward to reach for a tissue box on her desk, grabbing it, setting it on the bed next to her. She took a tissue. And she brought her hand up to Ali's eyes, drying the waves that just crashed there, rolling down her cheeks.

"What happened?" Beth asked her. She didn't just sound curious. She didn't only sound concerned either, she sounded caring, and thoughtful. And a little desperate. Because she probably could've guessed it before Ali told her.

"I…" The answer stood there, but she couldn't say it. She tried again.

But then it became just a desperate glance towards Beth and another set of waves. Beth grabbed Alison's hand; her skin was warm and comfortable, like a favorite sweater or a cup of coffee. It was inviting, asking Ali for answers. But she couldn't speak. She couldn't say it.

"Alison, I need to know if I should be calling someone." Ali felt Beth tense next to her. "Someone like campus police."

"No, no, it's not," Ali looked down at her hand in Beth's. "It wasn't illegal."

"Are you sure?"

Alison nodded.

"If it's what I think-"

"Sort of."

Beth stopped talking. "Probably." Alison added. Beth rubbed circles into Ali's hand with her thumb. "The line between consent and coercion can be blurred sometimes." she said softly. She tugged Alison's hand into her lap, causing her to look up. Beth looked scared. And sincere. "If you didn't say yes…" She doesn't finish her sentence.

"I didn't say no."

"That doesn't matter-"

"It does, it does!"

Her body unwinds from Beth, as she stands up and drys her eyes.

"I can't tell."

"Why?"

"I just, I can't I just-"

Alison felt like she might have a panic attack. Or crash. Beth saw it, and was up and holding her in a second.

Beth's arms felt like safety and home. Alison would've been taken back, except that she needed it so badly, so she caved into Beth's touch. Her head fell against the woman's neck, her hands around her shoulders.

"I can't because he's my boyfriend."

Beth didn't pull away. She didn't even react like she'd heard Ali until she was looking at her again, wiping Alison's tear tracks with her thumbs.

"That doesn't make a difference, Ali."

Ali. She called her Ali. Only her best friend and her mom called her that.

"It was just sex-"

"Not if it wasn't consensual." She says it with authority, with assurance.

"But I let him."

Beth pauses. "Do you need a pill?"

"What?"

Beth let go of Alison and turned around briskly, opening her closet door and scanning what was inside. When her eyes caught sight of a small paper bag, she reached for it, then turned back around.

"I have morning after pills." she said.

"Oh, god."

Alison put her hand over her eyes and turned towards the window. "Oh god, what have I done-"

She felt Beth step around her. When Ali's eyes opened, Beth was there, grabbing her wrists and holding them.

"You did nothing wrong, okay?"

"You don't know that."

"I do, believe me, I do. More than you know."

That's all it took, and Alison knew. Why she kept the pills, why she looked so scared and caring. Beth knew too, that Alison had got it, because she nodded and said "It was a long time ago."

Ali shook her head. "I'm so sorry."

And she meant it. This beautiful, kind, compassionate woman didn't deserve any touch that wasn't loving.

"Before I came out, I had a boyfriend.'' she said. Then she paused, giving Alison a moment to process that. Coming out. Gay.

Or maybe bisexual, or maybe something else. "And he got really forceful towards the end."

"Beth-"

"Trust me, Ali." She took a shaky breath and looked down at her hands, gripping loosely at Alison's wrists. "I know you don't blame yourself, but you do."

Alison nodded. "But every part of you that blames yourself is wrong, okay?"

"Beth-"

"It's not your fault." Beth said to her, almost a whisper. "Okay?"

Alison nodded.

She looked at Beth through tired eyes. Beth really was stunning. Her long brown hair messy from a day of being tied up, her eyes with just a whisper of eyeliner drawn across them. Her lips looked so soft.

"So what do you want to do?"

"You don't have to call anyone."

Beth looked at her with questioning eyes. "It wasn't illegal. I promise."

Alison took a step backwards and sat down again on the bed. Beth followed her, sitting cross legged at the foot of the bed, loosing a little of the intimacy they'd had before. Alison wanted it back. She craved it.

Wait. She didn't know where this was coming from, she wasn't, couldn't be, attracted to her. God, no. She wasn't gay. She wasn't-

"I'd never ask this, normally," Beth had her hands nervously playing with the hem of a quilt next to her. "But I just, I know sometimes a situation can seem different through someone else's eyes." She took a deep breath in, weighing her options of what to say next. "Before I came out I would've never thought I was gay."

It was like she was reading Alison's mind. Ali didn't know if talking about this with Beth scared her or excited her.

"But everyone else seemed to know." A smile touched the corners of her lips ever so slightly. But it quickly faded back to a subtle fear. "And when I was going through all the shit with Paul I thought it was normal."

Alison nodded, again. She was doing a lot of that.

"I thought all girls feel anxiety over having sex with their boyfriends, or all guys get borderline violent if they didn't get their needs met."

Her tone was shattering.

"So can you tell me what happened? I really don't want to pry, and I know it's probably hell to think or talk about it, but I just want to make sure you're not seeing it wrong. And that it actually isn't something I should be making a call about."

"You sound so authoritative." Alison said, slightly teasing. Thankfully, Beth caught it.

"Yeah, well, you don't become a captain because you're submissive."

Alison laughed lightly, and Beth did too. She reached out then, Ali did, and she grabbed Beth's right hand in her left. The move was entirely impulsive, not thought through at all, and the danger of it, the risk in doing it, shot through her like lightning.

But there wasn't any risk. Beth took her hand without questioning and held it tight.

"We've been going out for a couple weeks, just out to dinner and movies on Saturdays. And we'd drive to the top of Suicide Hill, look at the stars. We did that a couple times."

Beth, of course, knew what Suicide Hill was; everyone went there, at some point or another. It was the small town's best make out spot, or the best place to get high, or both. "He's Donnie, by the way. My boyfriend."

"Don't know him."

"He's a poli sci major."

She breathed in, trying to figure out how to continue. "We… well I guess I, I was, um, waiting. To sleep with him. And he was patient."

"Was this your first time?"

Beth asked it with so much care, the farthest thing from gossip. It was careful, treading lightly, trying not to push her to her reveal something she wasn't not comfortable with.

"It was." She said it so softly she was unsure if Beth heard her.

But the look on her face told Ali she did. Beth's eyes apologized, for everything she didn't do. It wasn't her fault, at all. But she was apologizing anyway.

"We went to dinner like we always do, but instead of going out after that we went back to his dorm. And we had sex."

Alison almost started crying again. "It's not that I told him no, because I didn't. And he wasn't violent, it's just. It's hard to explain."

"Did you want to?"

Alison shook her head. "No. But I thought I had to."

"Why?"

"This is what people do, it's what we're supposed to do!" More tears were coming. "But it felt more than forced, it felt, dishonest. And painful. And I kept pulling my lips away from his because I didn't want to kiss him, but he kept trying and trying, and it's just, how did he not fucking notice that?" She caught herself then. Stopped. She shouldn't be putting this all on Beth.

But Beth had somehow closed the distance between them, because her legs were touching Ali's and her hands were on Alison's arms, soothing and slow, running up and down them calmingly. "Something's wrong with me-"

"Nothing is wrong with you. Alison, I promise."

"What girl starts sobbing because her boyfriend wants her?"

"Really, what girl starts sobbing because her boyfriend doesn't notice that she's turning away from him, and clearly doesn't want to have sex? And it's her first time? A lot of girls, Ali."

Beth's voice was somehow commanding, but caring and compassionate at the same time. "It's not just that though."

Alison wiped at her eyes again. "It's never felt right."

"With him?"

"With anyone."

She glanced at the clock behind Beth; it was after one. Shit. "Oh god, I'm sorry Beth, I should let you go to bed-"

"No, hey, you're not going yet." Beth's hands were still performing miracles against her skin. "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

Alison's heart stopped for a second. Because she wanted to. She wanted to talk this through, even when part of her was screaming to leave, telling her not to burden this girl. But she wanted to. She needed to talk about this.

For a second she didn't say anything. Then she saw panic enter Beth's eyes. "Oh fuck, I didn't mean, like, stay the night as in, I'm not hitting on you, I just meant-"

"I know." Ali offered her. She hadn't interpreted it that way, it didn't even cross her mind. She nodded, yes, she would stay. But that other thought slipped out of her mind and into her words as she spoke.

"You don't have to, Beth, I'm sorry for putting this all on you-"

"The pleasure is all mine." That subtle gleam entered her eyes again. Alison smiled.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

Yes. Yes, she desperately did.

"How did you know?"

But after she asked it, she remembered. Why Beth knew. And she hated that Beth had to know.

But she just shrugged, and said "guessed" unconvincingly.

Alison stood up, about to leave, but Beth grabbed her hand again.

"You can use my shower, if you want."

Alison hadn't even noticed the door in the corner, closed. She'd forgotten that the singles had bathrooms.

"Why were you coming back from the bathroom when I saw you in the hall, if you have one?"

"The sink's broken." Beth casually turned Ali's hand over in hers, her warmth radiating against her skin. "But the shower works fine. I'll get you a towel, do you want to borrow clothes?"

She did, she did want to. She wanted him off of her, as far away as possible.

But she also wanted Beth on her skin, the fabric of her shirt against her chest. She couldn't tell herself why. But she knew she wanted it.

And with a nod, Beth grabbed both for her, setting a towel, T shirt, and running shorts in front of Alison.

It hit her then that she needed more. "I'm going to…I need to go upstairs for a minute."

"To your room?"

"Yeah, I need…"

Underwear. She needed underwear, because Donnie was on hers. And she needed him gone. She didn't want him and Beth in the same bed, or the same thought. Or the same sentence. But she didn't want to leave.

"I can go get it." Beth said, knowingly. She looked down at the pile, then up at Alison, trying to suggest to Ali that she knew what was missing. "But I know that's really personal, to go through your things-"

"No, it's okay." Alison smiled a little, trying to be reaffirming; to herself and to Beth. "It's okay, I trust that you won't, um, fixate. On it."

Beth smiled back at her. "Where?"

"The dresser across from my desk, bottom drawer."

Beth nodded. "I'll be right back."

"You can just put it inside when you get back, I'll leave the door unlocked." Where was this coming from? Was she flirting? Was she trying to get Beth to sleep with her?

Or did she just finally feel safe enough around someone to leave a door unlocked? She'd never showered in a place that wasn't her home before. Never at a gym. Never at Donnie's. Definitely never at Donnie's. And even in the dorm hall, on her floor, she only showered early in the mornings before anyone got up.

Something about letting herself be entirely unclothed, with no blanket or locked door to protect her, felt extremely intimate. And she felt safe letting Beth be there, open the door and set her stuff down inside. She felt at ease, for the first time all night.

"Okay." Beth said, as she squeezed Ali's hand one more time before dropping it and walking out the door. But she quickly turned around again. "Oh, right, key. Duh."

"Oh." Alison felt for it, then remembered where it was. Her jacket was left at Donnie's because he'd spilled beer on it. So she'd put the key in her bra.

"Um," her hands didn't know what to do, how to reach. She decided to turn around, her hand quickly reaching into her shirt and pulling it out before turning back to face Beth. The girl was giggling. "Yoga pants don't have pockets!"

"Yeah, no, no judgements." The smile on her face said otherwise. But Alison smiled too. Only Beth could tease her with just the look in her eyes.

"I'll be right back." she said sweetly, as she left the doorway and walked towards the elevator.

And then it was just Alison, alone in Beth's room. She'd just met this girl, how did she already feel so comfortable here?

The door to the bathroom creaked open with the turn of the knob, revealing a clean but boring white tiled space. The shower turned on cold, but quickly rained warm water down against her skin. So relaxing. She closed her eyes and soaked in it.

A few minutes later, Beth came back. There was a curtain around Alison, blocking her view, but the creak of the door again told her she had what she needed. And she felt okay. The soap and the warmth and everything Beth was healing her.

After she'd towel dried her hair and put on Beth's clean clothes, as well as some of her own (Beth had even brought her back her warmest socks, pink frills on the ankle of them) she opened the door and stood there, watching Beth take her shirt off.

She hadn't meant to stare, but she did. Beth's back was too her, but she'd heard the creak. Looking over her shoulder, Beth's eyes caught Ali's, and a scarlet spread across her face. "Oh, I'm, god, I'll just, I'll just wait in here."

But Beth just smiled at her, almost laughing as she pulled a baggy tee shirt over her head. "It's fine, no worries. Was the water pressure oaky, sometimes it's a little all over the place."

"Oh no, it was great."

Beth turned around to face her, and for a second Alison thought she would miss the tank top, it's fabric that hugged Beth's abs like a dream. But the loose shirt had it's own charm to it. It looked pretty adorable on her, actually.

"How you feeling?" Beth asked.

"Better, a lot better." Alison looked down as she said it, towards Beth's hands. She wanted to hold them.

But that would be a clear sign of something. Because before, it was prompted by sadness. Beth used it as a form of comfort that she'd obviously needed.

Right then Alison still needed it, but not as obviously. She tried to suppress the desire, but Beth caught here staring. Maybe. Ali couldn't say for sure.

"Do you want to take the bed?" Beth asked. "I've got a sleeping bag, I could sleep on the floor-"

"Don't be ridiculous, Beth. I can't just take your bed."

Beth shrugged, not putting up a fight because she had another suggestion on her mind. "If you want to, I guess we could share the bed. I know it's small, but we're both pretty small humans."

Alison laughed, and it felt honest. But she could tell that Beth was flirting. At least a little.

It didn't feel like she was coming onto her though. She didn't think, actually she knew, Beth wasn't trying to get Ali to sleep with her. Maybe she just wanted the physical contact, like Alison did. Or maybe she just craved the closeness.

Or maybe it was nothing but Ali reading too much into a suggestion. But that safety that she felt at Beth's slightly suggestive eyes only made her want to sleep with her more.

Wait.

"Okay." Alison said. "Yeah, that sounds nice."

Beth smiled, maybe a little tellingly. They'd only known each other for a couple hours and it already felt like Beth could see into her, like she knew all of her secrets that Ali didn't know were her secrets yet.

"Do you have a side?" Beth's voice was playful as she moved to the bed and sat down cross legged again.

"Um…not particularly."

Beth moved herself to the right, leaving a the left open for her. Ali sat down next to Beth, mirroring her position. Her hair was still a little damp, and she didn't want to get Beth's pillows wet, so she stayed upright.

But Beth leaned back and extended her legs after pulling her comforter loose so she could slip inside. Alison moved a little too, so that the red comforter draped over her legs still folded.

"What's your major? It's crazy that I know so much, and so little about you."

"Kinesiology." Alison said.

"Like, muscle therapy?"

"It's the study of human movement."

Beth nodded. "What about you?"

"Oh, well, criminology." Beth said. "But I'm not sure what I want to do with it yet."

"What sorts of things can you do with it?"

"I could become a lawyer. Or a detective. To be a high ranking one you need a degree."

"When you say high ranking, do you mean FBI? CIA?"

Beth shrugged. "Yeah, I suppose. But I'm not really sure yet what I want."

Alison gave her a small smile. "That's okay."

She studied Beth's face for a second there. Her features were so spotless. "I guess I'm not sure yet either."

"About kinesiology?"

"I sort of want to switch to theatre."

At that Beth smiled wide. "Really?"

"Yes. Why, do you think it's crazy?"

"No, it's cool." she said. "You should follow your passion."

"My passion doesn't have job security."

"Eh, fuck job security, at least while your in college. Try it out, see if you like it."

Even when she swore, Beth was attractive. Or maybe that's because she swore. Ali had hated profanity for years, mostly because it was teenage boys being distasteful and obscene. But when Beth swore, the sound tasted different than it ever had before.

The two sat there for a while, talking back and forth about school and friends, college life and track, eventually finding themselves wrapped in each other's worlds. And eventually, it came back to sexuality. Alison couldn't help her own curiosity with Beth's.

She asked her questions, trying to be as discrete as possible, but Beth knew what she wanted to know. And she told her; her coming out story, how she figured it all out, the first time she kissed a girl. Alison felt herself relaxing into Beth's honesty, slowly slipping into the bed and laying down fully, sprawled out next to Beth.

"Can I ask you something Ali?"

"Of course." it was only fair, she'd already asked Beth at least twenty questions. Plus she wanted Beth to know her. She didn't want to hide anything.

"Do you…are you attracted to guys?"

Except that. She was not at all ready for that, nope, definitely not.

But. Well. Maybe, maybe, she did she want to talk about it. Alison couldn't tell if it was fear or excitement accelerating her pulse.

"I don't know."

The honesty ran off her lips before she'd decided to say it.

Beth didn't look surprised though. She looked understanding. And curious, but delicately so.

"I guess I've never considered it."

"I never did either." said Beth. "It wasn't even an option. Until it had to be, and I couldn't take it anymore with Paul."

The soft sound of Beth's voice pulled Alison's hand forward the couple inches it needed to go, 'til it found Beth's. She reached for it, smiling slightly when Beth grabbed her's back. Ali had never taken the lead on these sorts of things; she'd always been the chased, always the one guys were making moves towards. But then she was next to Beth, her hand drawing lines across Beth's knuckles, and she realized she had her answer. No. There'd never been a guy she was attracted to. Never.

When Alison leaned forward Beth leaned back. Her heart stopped.

She almost ran away, her hand a split second from tugging out of Beth's, but Beth kept her there, gripping her tightly. "Shit, oh god-"

"It's not that I don't want to." Beth said, carefully. She averted her eyes. Something was wrong, more than just disinterest.

"I just don't know if you're," she took a deep breath. "I don't know if you want to do this to experiment, or if you actually like me."

The worry in her voice caught Alison off guard. "I usually wouldn't mind, but I just," she took another breath in. Her thought stood in the air, but they both knew what she meant.

Alison took her hand that wasn't gripping Beth's and touched her cheek, Beth sighing into the touch like it was emotional relief. Beth closed her eyes. "Or is this about what happened, is this a coping strategy?"

"Can you not believe that I want you?"

Beth didn't open her eyes, but she didn't need to; Ali could see the answer in the subtle cringe, the small move away from Alison's touch.

"Beth," it was almost a whisper. And then it was a whisper on her skin, as she leaned closer, her lips just barely distant from Beth's.

"Beth, I've wanted you since the moment I saw you."

Beth laughed lightly, and Alison smiled too. "That was what, three hours ago?"

"The second you said something," Alison's hand moved down to Beth's neck, a shiver running down her spine. "I knew."

When their lips collided everything made sense.

Beth tasted sweet, like strawberries and home. She reacted to the touch of Ali's lips like it mattered, like Ali's thoughts and emotions completely mattered. And Ali realized she'd never been kissed like that before, with so much care and consideration. Ali's tongue whispered against Beth's lower lip as her hand's reached for her waist, pulling her in until their bodies were completely pressed against each other. Beth's fingertips dipped under the hem of Ali's shirt, setting fires wherever they touched. Beth's kiss told Alison everything she needed to know. Her lips where the answer to every question she'd ever had.

It was Beth that pulled back first, her labored breathing mirrored by Alison's. She opened her eyes with a question Alison wanted to spend her entire life answering. She wanted this. It wasn't too fast, it was just fast enough.

"I want you back. Clearly." She smiled with her lips and eyes, but concern still stood there. "I just don't want you to associate me with what happened tonight. I mean-"

"Beth." Alison's eyes held her steady. "Can I be honest with you?"

Beth nodded. Ali pulled together all her strength, because Beth needed it. "A few hours ago I just wanted you to erase what Donnie…I wanted to use you to rewrite the memories of what he did. I just wanted him off of me, I can still feel him there, and I want him gone. I want someone else's touch where his was."

Beth looked like she could start crying at any moment. Alison knew she probably looked the same.

"I want my first time back." Her voice cracked as she said it. "And I feel so safe with you Beth." She smiled at her, delicately. "I would love to have the memory of you on my skin."

Beth's eyes were probably swimming, but before Alison could check Beth was leaning in, kissing her like it was a promise. Ali's hands reached for her hips, as she felt Beth smiling gently against her. "I'd be honored," Beth said softly, barely moving away from Alison's lips. "To be your first."

Ali crashed back into Beth, her hands moving under her shirt, tracing her abs as delicately as possible, when really she just wanted to move faster. Beth moved away from Ali's mouth to introduce herself to Ali's neck, kissing a line across Alison's jaw and towards her ear. Alison forgot how to breathe for a second.

But Beth didn't rush her hands anywhere, she didn't move anywhere that Alison didn't take her to first. She was waiting for Ali to call the shots, to direct her on what was okay.

"Thank you." Alison whispered to her, as Beth's tongue ran along the edge of her ear again.

"Anytime." she said playfully, and Alison laughed.

"I imagine I'll be taking you up on that."

"You know," Beth lifted her lips away from Alison's neck just enough to speak. "I would love to take you out to dinner, Ali." She kissed her neck again, but this time softly, with care. "Maybe before we do anything else."

Alison paused the movement of her hands that had been slowly memorizing the contours of Beth's chest. They slipped off the fabric of Beth's bra. "Oh."

"So," Beth kissed her again. "Wanna go out?"

"Do you not want to do this tonight?"

"I didn't say that."

Beth moved to face Alison, whose hands were now on the bed in front of her. Beth reached for them. "Why don't we do go out, right now?"

"Now?"

"Anne's is still open." Beth said with a smile. Anne's was the local dinner, right across the street. "I'll buy you pancakes."

At that Alison laughed, leaning her head against Beth's shoulder. "Oh my god, you're insane."

"I just wanna do right by you." Beth's smile seeped into her voice. "So…"

Ali moved her head off Beth's shoulder, kissing her lightly, then resting their foreheads together. "Okay. Let's do this. Craziest first date of my life."

"Well," Beth moved in to kiss her one more time. "I'll try my best to top it on the second."