"Aliens?" Bucky says with disbelief, "from outer space?"

"Yup, wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen them myself." It's around 9 in the evening and they're sitting in front of the TV eating pizza. Some movie or show is playing but neither of them are paying much attention to it. It's mostly just background noise. Bucky seems to likes movies a lot, though. More then he had before, Steve notices. He watches them with the utmost attention and concentration, completely absorbed in the story. Steve has notices that Bucky has a hard time deciphering people's expressions and the emotions that cause them. Sometimes he asks questions about why the characters are acting the way they are and what some of the words they say mean. Steve doesn't mind at all even if he has to answer his questions after every other scene. Anything that will get him talking is worth it and talking is something that Bucky doesn't do often. In fact there are days when he doesn't utter one word. Steve hates those days the most, maybe second to when he has nightmare. He seems to have nightmares every night now, though. He didn't in the beginning. He wouldn't get much sleep back then either but the nights were relatively more peaceful. But the more he started to remember things, the more his programmed mind was triggered, the more the nightmares would increase. The more he acted like his old self the more he would wake up in the middle of the night panting, screaming and trying to get free from straps that weren't there. The closer he got to being himself again, the more miserable he was and Steve couldn't think of a crueler irony.

The flashbacks took a lot out of him too. He'd remember a ton of things all at the same time sometimes and by the time they were over he'd be so tired and run out he wouldn't be able to speak much less reminisce with Steve about them. There would be days when he acted a lot like the old Bucky, and recovery would seem closer to Steve than ever. But then there would be the days where he would go back to not talking at all. He would become close to unresponsive sometimes, the same person who a few years ago had been so very talkative all the time. But it hasn't been a few years, Steve reminds himself on a daily basis, and recovery takes time.

"This Loki guys sounds like a real jackass," Bucky says taking a bite off his pizza.

"Oh he was," Steve says, "his brother's pretty decent though."

"You're friends with an demi-god huh..?"

"I guess so, yeah," Steve says with a laugh.

"Did we used to go to church before?" Bucky asks after a minute of silence.

"Yeah...both our moms were pretty religious so we'd be in church almost every Sunday," Steve explains. "You kinda hated it though, couldn't sit still for too long."

They were quiet for a while and Steve could see Bucky fall back into his thoughts again. His eyes were a bit hollow and his eyebrows furrowed, he was trying to remember something but couldn't quite find it. Steve had learned the meaning behind almost all of his expressions by now.

"Bucky where are you?" Steve says after another minutes of silence.

"What was she like?" Bucky asks quietly.

Steve doesn't have to ask who Bucky is talking about.

"She was great," Steve says, feeling the same pang of guilt he always feels every time he remembers Mrs. Barnes. "She was real great." That doesn't seem to be enough for Bucky, so Steve continues.

"She was kind and beautiful...and...and she made the most delicious pies in the entire world."

Bucky looks at him with a half smile.

"I'm not kidding, I don't know how she did it but they were amazing," Steve went on. He could remember the last time he ate that pie, it felt like only a short while ago. They'd been sitting in her kitchen, while Bucky was telling him about the girl he'd met a few days ago. Lucy? Leslie? The memory was so fresh in his mind that he could practically taste the pie and see the excitement in Bucky's eyes about his date later that day. It was before Pearl Harbor, before Uncle Sam became a familiar face and before either of them had seen anything close to a battlefield.

Bucky is silent again and has a lost expression on his face. "It'll come back, Buck, just give it some time," Steve says giving his shoulder a little squeeze. Bucky doesn't shudder away from him as much anymore. At least not always.

"Yeah," Bucky said taking a sip of water. He's looking at the dent on the wall again. A remnant of another type of day that Bucky occasionally has. Sometimes the flashbacks, especially ones of his time with Hydra, put him on edge so much that he lashes out on anyone who's unlucky enough to be around him, that someone mostly being Steve. He doesn't mean to attack Steve in particular. In fact, he isn't even aware of what he's doing until it's all over, and the terrified realization on his face hurts Steve more than any of the punches. Those are Bucky's least favorite days. Steve tell him over and over again that he isn't angry with him, but he still continued to feel guilty.
Sam has become the greatest help that Steve could ever ask for. His presence made Bucky uncomfortable in the beginning. He was weary and didn't trust him. He still doesn't necessarily trust him, Steve thinks. In fact he doesn't trust anyone or anything except maybe Steve. Yet he's become used to Sam and seems to actually enjoy his presence. Sometimes, when Bucky has bad days, Sam knows how to handle them better than Steve and Steve appreciated his willingness to help more than he can express.
They occasionally go running, sometimes all three of them, sometimes just Steve and Bucky. Bucky enjoys running a lot. It calms him down a lot, gives him a release. He runs for hours sometimes, going much faster than Sam and Steve. Steve can catch up if he wants to but he can tell that Bucky wants to be alone at times and Steve gives him his space.
Then, sometimes, there are days like this when they sit in front of the TV and talk and not do much of anything. These are Steve's favorite type of days and he thinks they're Bucky's too.
A few hours later, Bucky is asleep on the couch so Steve starts quietly cleaning up. He doesn't wake Bucky up to go to his bed. He barely gets any sleep there anyway. On a good night he'll manage to sleep a solid 2 hours that usually end with him waking up from a bad dream. Or memory, Steve isn't sure which. Most of the sleep he gets is throughout the day when he'll be so tired that he can no longer physically stay conscious so he'll just dose off wherever he is. So Steve appreciates the small amounts of sleep that he does get, even if it's not in a bed.
Most nights he's awake though. Steve can hear him pacing around the house sometimes but restrains himself from going to him every time. Bucky hates being babysat. MoreliketheoldBuckythanheknows, Steve thinks. He's definitely as stubborn as he was before. Bucky hates nights. Steve does too. He's hated them ever since he woke up from the ice and he hates them even more now.
He takes the empty pizza boxes into the kitchen but leaves the plates where they are, not wanting to make too much noise. Bucky's hearing is as good as his. About 20 minutes later Steve is about to go to bed himself when he noticed Bucky shifting in his sleep. At first he think he might be just be changing positions but his movements become more desperate and soon he's breathing fast and mumbling something under his breath. Steve notices the furrows in his brows as he walks towards him and he knows he's about to scream.
"Bucky wake up," Steve says without touching him at first, that never ends well. "Hey, it's just a dream, wake up." The pained look on Bucky's face becomes to much so Steve shakes him lightly. Bucky gasps awake suddenly and the next thing Steve knows he's pinned on the ground with Bucky closing his airway with his forearm.
"Bucky it's me, it's Steve!" He says through shallow breaths, the dark room starting to darken even more around his eyes. "Buck..."
Bucky suddenly sits back on the ground against the couch with a horrified look in his eyes.
"Steve?"
"Yeah it's me, it's okay," Steve says catching his breath and sitting up to face him.
"Steve," Bucky says again more to himself than to Steve. He still looks disoriented and keeps looking down at his wrists like there should be something there.
"There's nothing there Buck, see?" Steve says. "You're at home, everything's okay."
"Steve," Bucky says again, like he's trying to reassure himself of where he is. It always takes him a few minutes to come back to reality so Steve waits.
"Sorry," Bucky says quietly.
"You don't have to apologize to me," Steve says immediately.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asks after a minute.
Bucky shakes his head no. He never does. In fact, the only way that Steve ever knows what's going on in Bucky's head is from the things he overhears him saying in his sleep or from the few things he accidentally lets slip when it all gets too much. Yet Bucky doesn't tell him to go back to bed and that he's fine like he always does so Steve figures this must have been a bad one.
They sit in the dark, silently for what seems to Steve like forever. Sometimes the best that Steve can do is just stay with him without saying a word and hope that he's of some help.
"I think I was awake," Bucky says, finally breaking the silence.
"What?"
"When I fell," he continues quietly. "I remember watching the train leave...I felt like I should be on it for some reason but I couldn't remember why."His eyebrows are furrowed like he's trying really hard to remember something. "Then I was waiting for something...I didn't know what though cus everything was slipping away before I could make sense of it."
If Steve didn't know better, he'd think he was on the verge of having an asthma attack. He felt like someone had punched him really hard in the gut and he'd forgotten how to breath.

"I think I might have hit my head cus I couldn't remember anything..." Bucky went on like he was talking more to himself than to Steve. "There was a lot of blood so I figured it must of been a big fall..." He says, matter-of-factly. "Everything else was so white though...kind of beautiful. And then I heard a few voices." Steve thinks he might actually have an asthma attack if Bucky continued talking. "But they weren't speaking in English which i found weird for some reason," Bucky says, this time turning to face Steve. Whatever expression Steve had on his face made Bucky stop talking immediately. Steve took a deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding, the liquid dropping from his eye before he had time to stop it.

"Did I say something wrong?" Bucky says looking really confused and horrified at the same time.

"No! no it's okay...you didn't say anything wrong," Steve said, pulling himself together and wiping at his eyes.

"I didn't mean-" Bucky starts saying.

"No it's okay really, you didn't do anything wrong...I'm sorry," Steve says.

Bucky still looks confused. "I'm not...it's not you're fault, I wasn't-"

"I know," Steve says, "I know." Steve wanted to apologize, wanted to beg for Bucky's forgiveness. Wanted to explain to him that it was his fault. That everything that happened to him was his fault. That he had let him down. That he had let him down during the only time that Bucky had needed saving for a change. He wanted to shake Bucky by the shoulders and explain to him that if he remembered everything, he wouldn't ever forgive him. But all that came out of his mouth was a soft I'm sorry that made Bucky look at him with a confused and apologetic expression.

"I wasn't blaming you," he says again.

"I know." You would if you remembered everything.

Bucky doesn't say anything after that. They sit that way for what seems like hours until Bucky starts slowly drifting back to sleep, he looks exhausted. "You should go to bed, Steve," he says quietly. It's obvious he doesn't really want Steve to leave. Steve could always read his expressions without Bucky needing to say anything. Like all best friends do. He has started to learn this new Bucky's expressions too, and he definitely doesn't want to be alone right now. He'd never admit it, of course. Bucky's pride would never let him, and that's something that's stayed with him all these years. "I will...later," Steve says. He doesn't leave. He watches the darkness change to light, the sun slowly coming in through the window. He doesn't sleep.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Thanks so much for the reviews. I love reading them so keep 'em coming. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :)