Saudade /souˈdädə/

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains".

Beth sat in the middle of her room, with her legs crossed, in her graduation gown. In her lap, a scrapbook was opened and balanced on her knees. She was flipping through it and every time she turned a page she would trail her fingers over the plastic covering and study the pictures. She'd been doing this mechanically for about half an hour.

Maggie gave the scrapbook to her after the ceremony as a graduation gift. Beth loved it even before she opened it. She knew that Maggie probably spent many, many frustrating hours over it, designing the layout and gluing the photos down; and making sure it was elaborate enough for her little sister. Maggie hated doing crafty things – most of the time she lacked creativity to even draw and stick man - but she did it to make Beth happy.

It did make Beth happy to see the captured memories of her and her friends; all the formals, birthday dinners, first and lasts days of school were wonderful. But Beth's heart strained and an ache was sent throughout her entire body every time she turned to a page filled with photos of family gatherings like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Her father's smiling face looked up at her from the photos and Beth would have to wipe tears away, the longer she looked at him, the more her eyes welled.

There was a knock on the door and Beth sniffed and quickly wiped her nose and eyes with the back of hand. The door opened slowly and she watched as two figures walked carefully into her room. It was her mother, Annette, and Maggie; and they'd probably come to check to see if she was in fact crying. They knew graduation would bring on all kinds of emotions.

"Hey Bethy," Maggie said softly. Beth tried to sniff quietly to hide her tears, but it was not easy to hide her red eyes and nose, and her mother and sister noticed immediately.

"Please tell me those are at least tears of happiness". Annette sat beside Beth on the floor and put her arm securely around Beth's shoulder. Maggie was by Beth's side a few seconds later, running her hand up and down her arm. They tried their best to comfort her.

As Beth her head on her mother's shoulder, Maggie looked in Beth's lap and caught on to what was upsetting the blonde right away. "Oh Bethy, you know I wouldn't have made that damn thing if I knew it was going to upset you."

Beth felt instantly guilty; Maggie worked so hard, she shouldn't be regretting it. "Maggie, I love it, honestly". Beth took a deep breath and composed herself a bit more, "I just miss Daddy, that's all."

Annette pulled Beth in closer to her and sniffed a bit herself, "Seeing you graduate was something he wouldn't have missed. He was watching over you, baby."

Beth fiddled with the chain of her necklace until her cross was untucked from her gown and grasped it. "I know he was, but you know what I mean, Mom."

Beth wanted her father there physically. She wanted to see him in the audience, glowing with pride as she got her diploma. That, however, was impossible. Hershel Greened had died almost four and a half months ago.

Annette stroked Beth's hair, "I don't know what to say, I know as your mother I'm supposed to have all the answers, but all I can think of is that this really sucks."

A laugh bubbled out of Beth's mouth then. It was short and sounded a little hysterical and Beth wondered why she thought that it was funny, but she did. "I agree."

"Could I talk to Beth for a second?" Maggie had stopped rubbing Beth's arm and was sitting there quietly listening to Beth and Annette talk. Maggie could see Annette was trying extremely hard not to cry as well and knew that two people crying was not what they needed.

"Go for it". Annette got up and sent a thankful look at Maggie. Beth and Maggie both heard one last sniff before she exited the room, closing the door behind her with a click.

"Where's Shawn?" Beth rose from her floor and her graduation gown fell around her. Even though she ordered a small she was basically swimming in it. She took it off and tossed it aside, revealing the jeans and blouse she was wearing underneath.

Maggie got up too and walked across the room to lean casually against Beth's dresser. "I saw him talking up some brunette after the ceremony, he's probably out tryin' to swoon her". Maggie knew Beth was trying to change the subject but wasn't going to let her get away with it. She waited a beat and then went on. "Beth, you're not gonna be like this all summer are you?"

Beth hand nervously went up to her curls, or what use to be curls, the Georgian heat had made them go more frizzy and wavy than curly. She started playing with a strand of hair, studying her split ends and avoiding Maggie's gaze.

"Beth?"

"I don't wanna be, but I just..." Beth bit her lip. She'd been like this since the middle of January, Maggie was probably fed up with her.

Maggie had been nothing but understanding, and tried to help Beth as much as she could. When Beth started falling behind in school her sister would take time from her busy college life to Skype her and talk her through stuff. Maggie would use a kind, sympathetic voice and bear with Beth even when she was being difficult. But all Beth wanted her sister to do was yell at her. No one ever yelled at her about her father though.

"Beth, we all miss Daddy, but we all know that he wouldn't want you wasting your last summer before college cryin'". Maggie stared at Beth, who went back to her hair, now taming it into a pony. "I'm worried about you; I don't want this to consume you anymore than it already has."

"Maggie, I..." Beth tried to speak but she was cut off as Maggie's eyes sparkled mischievously.

"Where was it your friends where all going again?" Maggie asked, confusing her sister a little.

"Like Darcy and all of them?" Beth didn't exactly understand what Maggie was playing at.

"Yeah."

"Orlando, to stay at her aunt's condo. Why?"

Maggie ignored Beth's question and asked another, "You were invited weren't you? You were telling me about it in December when I was home for Christmas that the girls were planning it."

"Yeah, but... Mom and Daddy didn't even let me go campin' for the weekend with them. It would have been a pretty long shot askin' to go to another state, Mags". Beth sat on her bed and put her arm behind her, balancing her weight on them.

"Why don't you let me and Shawn talk to Mom," Maggie pushed herself from leaning on the dresser and started making her way out of the room without so much as another glance at her little sister.

Beth had a few objections though and was off her bed after Maggie before she could reach the door. "Maggie! I can't go to Orlando! There's so much stuff to do on the farm this summer and the trip is supposed to last two weeks. I can't just leave you guys and go to Florida. It wouldn't be fair. Plus, I've never even been on a plane and the girls left right after the ceremony."

"Beth, what's not fair is letting you mope around and feel like shit all summer. You've been like this too long. You can have fun; you need to have fun."

Beth didn't know if Maggie was right or not. She didn't think she deserved to have fun, but it didn't matter. Beth knew Annette would never let her go, so it really was just a lost cause.

. . .

Sometime later, after supper with her mom and Maggie, Beth was sitting on the porch bench reading in the fading sunlight. It was her favorite time of day, when the sun cast a shadow over certain parts of the fields and then other parts would be in a sea of hazy pink from the sky. It was beautiful.

When Shawn came home she'd been in the same spot and had watched as Maggie rushed him into the house and up the stairs with hardly enough time for him to take the key out of the ignition of his truck. It was obviously to plan their con into getting Annette to let her go to Florida and Beth had to admit she did admire the attempt, even if it was in vain.

She heard Maggie and Shawn come down the stairs, talking in hushed voices not ten minutes later and asking Annette if they could speak to her upstairs. Even with the prettiness of the sky and the book, Beth couldn't distract herself from what was going on.

She was astonished when she heard no yelling. The conversation continued for at least three quarters of an hour and not once did a voice raise. If Beth or Shawn or Maggie asked for something outrageous there was normally an abundance of very loud, Absolutely Nots, followed by, Because I Said So. There was a large lack of both.

Beth considered going up and checking out the situation, but at that moment she heard the groan of the stairs, indicating someone was coming down them. Beth tried to act like she wasn't trying to eavesdrop and flipped her book open, pretending to read.

The screen door opened with a creak and Beth kept her eyes fixed on the page, realizing then that she'd opened the book upside down. Beth could tell by just the sound of the footsteps that it was her mother.

"Hey, baby." Annette's voice sounded tired.

Beth lowered her book and little and watched her mom sit down beside her on the bench. "Hey, Mom."

Annette smiled at her daughter and made herself comfortable. She waited to see if Beth would talk first, knowing they both knew why she came out there, but Beth remained quiet. Her mom let a sigh out and spoke, "So what's this I hear 'bout Orlando?"

"I told Maggie not to ask you, Mom". Beth really wasn't looking forward to the back lash of Maggie's stupid plan. Even if her mom didn't yell at Beth she'd say she was disappointed. She'd decided that her mom remained calm talking to Shawn and Maggie because she thought Beth was the mastermind behind the whole thing and wanted the dues to be paid where they belonged. "I don't need to go to..."

"I think you should go."

"What?" Beth looked at her mom, absolutely flabbergasted. This was so out of the ordinary for Annette it was unbelievable.

Sometimes with older siblings the youngest gets away with more, having already had the ice broken or thinned by the older ones, but it was the opposite with Beth. Her parents sheltered her more than Maggie or Shawn; and she didn't really mind it, she liked their little town and she didn't need to go or be anywhere else.

"I think it'd be good for you. It may be exactly what you need to help you cope. There's been far too much grieving."

"Mom," Beth tilted her head, looked at Annette straining her voice a little, "I don't deserve to go to Florida. I don't wanna stress you out worrying 'bout me in another state."

"Listen kid, you're already stressing me out". Her mom looked at her with a tinge of sadness in her eyes and Beth realized that her hurting was only adding to her mothers. "We live in a technology era and I know for a fact that you can speed text your little butt off. You can keep in touch with me as easy as counting to ten. There's no argument. You're going."

"Mom, I don't want to go."

"Well, that's too bad for you. I already got Maggie to email Darcy and the girls, who are already at her aunt's place, and they are making room for you as we speak," Annette smiled triumphantly at the blonde and crossed her arms. "You can thank me later."

Beth couldn't help but smile at her crazy mother, even though she felt tremendously guilty. She was being forced to go but knew it was because her family loved her so much and to make them feel better she would go. "Thank you, Mom."

"No problem, baby," Annette's scooted in closer to Beth and looked at her book. "So what is it you're reading?"

"Ahh, I don't know, just some dumb book from an old reading list. It's translated Greek or something. It pretty hard," Beth could hear the little crack in her voice that was the tell that she was lying and slumped her shoulders, letting out a breath of defeat for being caught trying to listen in.

"Really? Because it looks like one of my old romance novels upside down," Annette lifted herself off the bench and started heading back inside. Before she left she shot a cheeky grin over her shoulder a Beth. "I'd start packing if I were you. You're leavin' tomorrow."