She was crazy. Absolutely and definitely mad. What was she doing on a plane to California?! Dropping everything and flying to the other side of the country was not something she did often - only once, actually, and that had been in the name of justice. But this..this wasn't work related, not at all. No, this trip to California was about as personal as it got..

Three months earlier..

Counting ahead to the people stood in front of her, she worked out she was sixth in line. She'd been lucky to come in and find it fairly empty - she knew there were only twenty minutes or so left of the signing when she arrived so most fans had had their books signed already. There were a couple of people behind her but security had closed off the queue now - good. She could get her book signed and then talk to him after he'd signed the final couple.

Butterflies scattered through her stomach as the thought of it. It had been three months since she'd seen him..three months since she'd been shot at Montgomery's funeral..three months since she'd led on that cemetery ground, bleeding from her bullet wound as he admitted he loved her.

"No, Kate stay with me, Kate. Kate? I love you. I love you, Kate."

The memories of that day were etched onto her brain for good..there was no way she could forget them, not ever. She had lied to him, though, she'd told him when he came to see her in the hospital that she couldn't remember a thing. It been selfish and despicable of her and she regretted lying to him like nothing else, but if these three months had taught her nothing else, it was that Richard Castle deserved the best and she couldn't have been the best for him, not then. Not when she was still sort of with Josh - but let's face it - that relationship was practically over the second Castle came back from the Hamptons.

She was in a better place now, but she still wasn't quite there, not where she needed to be for him. Her numerous chats with her father about the relationship she had with the writer had sort of made things a bit clearer for her. She wanted him, she was crazy about him, but not yet. She'd finish her therapy - both physical and psychological - and then she'd see where they stood. She knew he wouldn't wait forever and she had to accept the fact that if, in a couple of months when she was ready, he might have moved on. It was a huge risk but one she had to take - she couldn't live with herself if she jumped into it now and ruined it all by not being what he deserved.

But here she was, stood in line to get her book signed by him. From what she'd heard from the boys, Gates had kicked him out - but the mayor wasn't going to stand for that, not if she got him to come back. Grinning to herself, she couldn't believe she was seriously considering using the mayor as leverage against her Captain - who was she and where was the serious, by-the-book detective?

Finally, finally it was her turn to see him.

"Kate. You can make it out to Kate." She waited with bated breath for him to look up, waiting for the moment he gave her that adorable grin that she was so completely in love with. The way his face crinkled up as he smiled..god that was her favourite face of his.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. Okay. So that she hadn't been expecting. Her smile faltered a little as she saw his face wasn't one of happy surprise, more of an 'I don't want to see you' surprise.

"I..Castle?"

"What are you doing here, Beckett?" He repeated. "I'm working."

Oh the irony. "Yeah, and you've spent the past three years annoying me at work, time to return the favour." She shot back, still hoping for him to break into a laugh and say how great it was to see her.

"Sorry, I've got other people to see." He was brushing her off? Three months without seeing him and the second she turned up he was batting her away with a wave of his hand!

She stepped to the side in shock, allowing the woman behind her to get her book signed. She hadn't been expecting a welcome party but..this? No, this was not what she had been expecting in the slightest. She headed outside the bookshop to wait for him, deciding she could convince him to come back when he was done working.

Glancing around, she saw him exit the bookstore, shaking hands with the employees and passing around his thanks. And then he saw her - the smile dropped off of his face and he walked straight past her. Okay wow, this was going to be harder than she thought.

"Castle, wait!" She called, jogging to catch up with him.

"I did. Three months - you never called." Ah..

"Look, I know you're angry-"

"Oh you're damn right I'm angry," he said, turning round to face her. "I watched you die in that ambulance, did you know that? You know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you...someone you care about?" He was on the verge of saying someone you love but she didn't deserve that, not now.

"I told you I needed some time," she replied, pleading with him to understand.

"You said a few days."

"Well, I needed more."

"Well, you should've said that."

"Look, Castle, I'm sorry, okay? You're right, I should have called, shouldn't have shut you out, not when you-" stop, Kate, she told herself. She couldn't admit she had lied to him, not now - he wasn't even close to forgiving her for not calling, she couldn't make things worse. Coward. "You've been amazing to me, so much more than I deserved..and I know I've repaid you badly but I promise, if you give me the chance then I'm going to do whatever I can to make it up to you."

It was tearing him apart inside but he had to do this. "No. I'm sorry Beckett but I'm done. I can't do this anymore, it's just not working," he took a deep breath, calming his emotions. "I'll come and explain everything to the boys - if Gates lets me in the precinct that is - maybe I'll see you around." And before she could reply, before she could even comprehend what had just happened he turned and walked away from her, not looking back.

Beckett was in a state of shock. Still stood on the pavement outside the bookstore, she couldn't do anything but stare into the space that Castle had just left. He was..gone. He'd..well, not dumped her, they hadn't been together but in a way he had. He was her partner and he'd dumped her, walked away like he didn't even care!

He'd come around, she reasoned with herself. He just needed a day or two to get used to her being back, then he'd be back to his usual joking, childlike self, back to the man she was so in love with. It hurt like hell him rejecting her like that, but she wasn't going down without a fight.

"Hey dad," Alexis called as he walked back into the loft. "How was the signing?"

"Oh you know, same old same old," he replied, attempting a smile. "I've got a bit of a headache actually, I'm gonna go have a nap." Luckily Alexis accepted this without any fuss, and he kissed her head as he walked past.

He'd lied - he didn't have a headache, he just wanted to be alone for a bit. Beckett showing up like that had been a complete shock, he was beginning to think he'd never see her again. He accepted it when she said she needed a few days after the shooting, but a few days had turned into a few months and she hadn't called, not once.

Even a text would have done, just to say she was doing okay and that she'd call when she was back at work. Anything..anything would have been better than nothing at all. Seeing her again at that signing..her book in front of him..the hopeful little look on her face..god he'd nearly forgotten everything that had happened between them when he saw her. Nearly given in to her and gone running back just like she probably expected he would. Ha, well this would teach her - she might be gorgeous and smart and funny and damn near perfect to him but she wasn't getting her own way, not this time. Oh no, she'd ruined it all and he wasn't going back, he was done.

He couldn't remember feeling this miserable, not since the day he'd come home to find Meredith in bed with her director..even then he probably hadn't felt this bad. He loved Kate, so damn much and cutting their partnership had been the second most painful experience of his life - watching her die in that ambulance topped the list. Why was it his best and worst memories revolved around her?

The last three years..she'd taken over his life. Not intentionally, at least not at first - oh no, she'd positively hated him when he first insisted on following her but he'd been hooked. Right from that moment she leant towards him after their first case and whispered 'you have no idea' in his ear, before sashaying away like a model on a catwalk.

He'd been enamoured with her since then, completely and utterly obsessed. He'd written books based on her, stood by her when she constantly refused to let him in, tried desperately to get to her before that bullet did and this was the result. He was lying on his bed at 3 in the afternoon, as miserable as a teenage girl who had been dumped by the high school football star.

If he wasn't so depressed at the way things had turned out, he'd laugh at himself. He was a grown man, for crying out loud, with an 18 year old daughter who was mere months away from leaving high school and heading off to college. So why was he the one acting like the teenager?

He'd done the right thing though, hadn't he? Completely severing all ties with her, no reminders of what used to be. It was for the best, for both of them. Hell, they'd already had three months practice, until today, he hadn't seen her once in the three months since he'd walked out of that hospital room and left her. Probably with Josh. Stupid Dr Motorcycle Boy. She probably didn't even care that he wasn't coming back. To her, it was probably all some stupid game - let's see how long I can string the writer along for before he gets bored. Well he had news for her - that time was now. She could go back to her life without him, back to work without him badgering her on cases, back to cosy evenings with Josh and their perfect little relationship.

"Dad?" Alexis said softly, tapping lightly on his door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Pumpkin," he replied. The last thing he needed was his daughter worrying unnecessarily about him, she had her own problems to solve.

"Well I um, brought ice cream, if you want?" She entered the room, a small smile on her face. He grinned - trust her to know when he needed ice cream.

"Mint chocolate chip?" He asked seriously.

"Of course," she replied, as if to say 'what else?'

"Thanks Pumpkin." He took the tub and a spoon from her and dug in. "You gonna join me?"

"Thought you'd never ask," she sighed dramatically, rolling her eyes just like Beckett. No. No thinking of her, not anymore.

"So you gonna tell me why you're hiding in your room like a child or shall I just wait until it hits the fansites?"

"You know you're not supposed to look on those, Alexis," he scolded. "And I'm not hiding..just thinking." Alexis looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to provide more information. "I saw Beckett today," he admitted. "She came to the signing, I'm guessing she went back to work today."

"Oh," was all Alexis said. He knew she had strong opinions on the relationship he had with Beckett, but she was mature enough to know he didn't need to hear them, not unless it directly affected her.

"Go ahead," he sighed, "tell me you were right and that you told me so."

"What happened?"

"Not much. I told her I waited for three months and she didn't call. Then I told her we're done and I wasn't coming back."

"And she accepted that?" Alexis asked skeptically. The detective Beckett she knew wouldn't have given up so easily, not unless she didn't-

"Guess she doesn't care as much as I hoped she would."

"Well what did she say when you said you were done?"

"Nothing. I didn't give her the chance, I left before she could say anything."

"Well maybe in a couple of days-"

"No, Alexis, I'm done. I meant what I said and I'm not going back. Weren't you the one telling me it was too dangerous and that I needed to be more careful? Well now you don't have to worry because it's not happening anymore." He didn't mean to snap, he really didn't. But he was angry at Beckett and Alexis was the only one who cared enough to ask how he was feeling, thus meaning all his anger got directed towards her.

"Only trying to help," she muttered.

"Oh god, Alexis, I'm so sorry! None of this is your fault and I know I'm angry but that doesn't mean I should be taking it out on you-"

"It's fine, dad," she interrupted. "I know how much you care about detective Beckett-"

"Cared," he corrected. "Past tense." Lying through his teeth.

Alexis was on to him. "Maybe if you keep saying that enough then you might start believing it. 'Cause I'm not buying it. I've never seen you like this over a woman, never. Not with mom, not with Gina and definitely not with anyone else in between. You can say all you want that you don't care but you're only lying to yourself."

How was his kid so smart? "You're right, honey, and I really am sorry for taking it out on you."

"That's perfectly fine. Now come on, I'm taking a break from studying and you and I are going to play laser tag and then we're going out for burgers."

"Think I've got the worlds best daughter," he mused.

"And don't you forget it," she teased, pulling him up off of the bed.

"What, no Castle?" Ryan joked as Kate walked back into the precinct alone. She ignored him, sitting down at her desk.

"So, what have we got?" She asked. She saw the boys exchange glances but she appreciated the fact that they didn't say anything. Esposito launched into a description of their latest victim and the crime scene, as well as how far they'd got on the investigation.

Ryan watched Beckett with interest as Esposito brought her up to speed on the case. She wasn't herself, that much was for sure - and he didn't think it was only the having to re-qualify for her gun - which she had done with flying colours, obviously. No, there was something else..both he and Espo were expecting her to come back with Castle, Beckett wasn't one to let a simple thing like the captains rules get in her way, they both knew she'd have Castle call the mayor and he could be back in an instant. But he wasn't here and Beckett didn't seem to be in the mood for sharing, either.

Something had happened..she'd gone to see him, maybe? And he'd..said no? Yeah, that was his guess. He'd talk to Javi about it later, but he was fairly certain he'd figured it out. One thing was for sure though - they'd have to try their hardest to get Castle back, their team wasn't complete without him.

In all honesty, Kate wasn't listening to a word Espo said. She was hurt and upset and a little angry. He had every right to be mad at her, even take a couple of days after seeing her again but to quit it all completely? That wasn't him, he didn't just give up when things got tough, he was the one telling everyone else they had to keep going if they wanted the result they deserved.

His chair had been moved. The space it used to occupy was now empty, quite symbolic really.

"Beckett?" Espo called, bringing her back to earth. "You listening?"

"Yeah course, sorry, go on."

One final thought hit her, though. It probably wouldn't have changed anything, she doubted much could counteract the anger he was feeling right now but there was one thing he didn't know - she hadn't told him she'd broken up with Josh.

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