Chapter 6

This closeness.

Standing in front of Alex again is all it takes to bring Mike out of the pits of hell and back into the land of the living. Of the loving. It's the same feeling he'd experience when he'd walk into work each morning and for the first time he can appreciate it for what it actually is. He allows himself a moment to take it in. To enjoy it. To remember it. Not that it'll matter. The memory will never cheer him up. It'll only serve as a reminder of what he'll always be missing. But that's exactly what he needs. He looks up at Alex, feels himself being drawn into him. Wanting to kiss him again. Wanting to wrap his arms around him and never let go. But he can't do that, and now this closeness only serves one purpose. A courtesy of closure - for Alex. Not for the kiss, but for their friendship and for the time they've spent together. "I'm sorry to drop by unannounced like this," he says, sadly.

"I didn't know you knew where I lived."

"I…" Mike hesitates. Never has he seen Alex happy before. That smile teases him. It mocks him. It shows him what he's walking away from, and what he'd be stealing if he decided not to. "When I got back to the hotel tonight, my grandma was waiting for me."

"She came to visit? You'll have to bring her into the store tomorrow. She could try the cupcakes we made."

"No, Alex. She wants me to go back with her. I'm leaving tonight. But before I go, I just wanted to tell you how much fun I had this summer-" Mike starts to tear up again, even despite the fact that he sat in his car for a good ten minutes making himself promise that he wouldn't cry in front of the guy. "And how much I enjoyed our baking lessons." He throws his arms around Alex and for one last time, maybe just to make it easier for him to do what he needs to do next, he lets himself go. "I'm gonna miss you," he whispers.

A tight squeeze and then he turns for the door, hoping to leave before his last hit of happiness wears off. But suddenly, it's as if he can't move – his feet stuck where he stands. Alex had called out to him. That is what happened, isn't it? A spark of hope is ignited and even though he knows it's not true, it makes Mike happy, so happy.

"Did you hear me?"

Mike turns around and looks to the guy, those sad eyes greeting him once again. "You don't love me," he says and his denial makes his words taste stale, his mouth chalky. As much as he wants to, he can't let himself believe something he knows isn't true.

"Yes, I do," Alex says, his own smile returning. "I've never been this sure about anything." He walks over to Mike and holds his face in the palms of his hands. "Stay with me."

Mike's chin starts to tremble violently. "I can't," he manages, barely.

"Then take me with you."

"No. You're meant to be at Emily's."

"I'm meant to be here. With you."

This isn't how it was supposed to happen and Mike can hardly stand it. He feels like he's being pulled apart from the inside and grabs onto Alex's shoulder to stabilize himself, to help keep himself from falling to his knees. But that still doesn't help, not entirely. His body feels heavy, like the ground is pulling him down, or like he's being pushed down forcibly.

Alex lets out a burst of laughter which causes Mike to look up at him. He's devastated that Alex could laugh at him at a time like this. But the sound of it, it's something he's been waiting to hear for so long. And that smile. He marvels at that gorgeous grin and those dimples. This is what heaven must look like and when he can't stop himself from laughing out of pure wonder, Alex quickly plummets and Mike instantly knows he was never laughing at him. He was the reason for the outburst. He caused it. Again. And once again, he couldn't enjoy it without sending Alex back into an equally opposing state of despair. Once more, Mike becomes riddled with sadness and Alex pops back up. But this time, the guy notices the pattern. It couldn't be more obvious. And on top of that, he realizes his feelings are disjointed. They don't match with how he knows he should feel.

"What's happening, Mike?"

"Alex," Mike whimpers. "There's something I have to tell you." He takes a beat to dry his eyes and catch his breath. Tries to calm himself. "I wasn't looking for a job the first time we met. I was looking for you. To tell you something you would never believe."

"Tell me now."

"I'm the reason you've always been so unhappy."

"How? We didn't even know each other until a few months ago."

Mike explains it to Alex the best he can and Alex listens intently. Then it's Mike's turn to wait for Alex to process everything. He's worried about how he'll react, but then all the guy does is nod, like he understands. Like he actually believes him. "So, you see? You can't be in love with me because all I've ever done is make you sad."

"I'm not always sad," Alex reveals. "A few days before you got here, I was happy. It was the first time I could remember feeling that way. I thought God had finally answered my prayers and delivered me from this constant pain. It felt so good to think I could be like everyone else. But then it wore off."

Mike closes his eyes. "That was the day I found out about you, and what it meant for you when I was happy."

Alex tilts his head, wanting Mike to look at him. "Do you remember when I taught you how to make the dough for those raspberry danishes?"

Mike opens his eyes, connecting with Alex. "It was the first lesson," he chuckles fondly.

"You gave me a cupcake afterwards and that whole night I couldn't sleep. Because I was happy again. And I was afraid if I fell asleep, I'd lose it, like I did the first time. But it didn't matter that I stayed up all night because by the next morning it was gone."

"That was my fault," Mike says, almost to himself. And then he sees a flash of that picture he had found when he was younger, the one he had an overwhelming need to find again; the one that led him to this place and he can't help the way his face falls. "It's all my fault."

"But every night since then, instead of falling asleep, it's like I wake up. I'm happy. And in those hours before I would finally drift off, even though you weren't with me, I could see you. You were so patient with me, and thoughtful and caring. And you never stopped trying to make me laugh."

"It never worked."

"It did. Those jokes you'd tell, all those silly things that make you who you are, it's like you'd give them to me, wrapped in cellophane, so I could open and enjoy later. Just like the cupcake you gave me that night. And I did unwrap them. And I would laugh. Sometimes until my stomach hurt." Alex steps closer to Mike as a soft smile appears and holds his face in the palm of his hand. "What could have made you so sad?"

Mike catches his breath. The look in Alex's eyes tells him he already knows the answer.

"I don't love you because I felt indebted to you for being nice to me. I love you because you allowed me to. Every night I fell in love with you and every day you gave me all the more reason to."

"But don't you see? That's why I have to go. I want you to have the life you've always wanted and you can't do that if I'm here, because staying with you will only ever make me happy."

"If you're trying to tell me that being with you would only make me sad, then, well, I'd rather be miserable with you than happy with anyone else," Alex says, reaching out again and caressing Mike's cheek with his thumb.

Mike melts into Alex's warm touch and whimpers the guy's name, as if he's calling to him, begging him, and his plea is answered. The two come together in a passionate kiss and Mike can't help but feel overjoyed, and he can't help but feel complete anguish because of it. His system oscillates between the battling emotions so rapidly, that, for the first time in their lives, he and Alex feel the exact same thing at the exact same time. They hold each other tight, as if they're being hurled through the cosmos, kissing through the tears of joy and the tears of pain as the compound that ties them together vibrates with such intensity it overwhelms its chemical properties – the link being shattered, their DNA held hostage no more. There is but only one bond that remains, the bond they created during their baking lessons.

Terrified of what will happen next, the two continue to hold each other, completely oblivious to the change that's occurred inside.

After a long moment, Alex takes Mike's face in his hands and looks into his watery eyes. "I'm so grateful to have met you. Even if this was the only way."

"Grateful doesn't begin to cover it," Mike breathes.

Alex is sure to take his time before he speaks again. Wants to remember the moment in minute detail. But it can't last forever and he knows it. "I brought home some cupcakes if you want to have one more before you go."

"Yeah, I would."

Alex fetches a cupcake and hands it to Mike.

Mike stares at it sadly and for the last time he peels the wrapper back and takes a big bite. As he savors the taste, he looks up to find Alex smiling, clearly enjoying the fact that he's wearing icing on the tip of his nose. Mike wipes the excess icing away, feels his cheeks turning just as pink and without thinking, he playfully thrusts his cupcake into Alex's face, leaving a dollop of the sugary topping on his nose. Mike erupts and Alex instantly wipes his nose off and smears the excess over Mike's lips, a laugh of his own blending with Mike's in perfect harmony.

With all the teasing, they hadn't even noticed the change, but when they do, their laughter and echoes of their laughter fill the air.

Thank you for reading :)