Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.

Chapter 24

What It Means

1980, July -

Hinata feels trapped in her head. There are things she has locked away.

It goes like this:

1970, September -

It's a training session – a delicate surgery near the heart. She cuts an artery. Sakura has to take over. There's too much blood.

"I- I'm sorry," Hinata says. Her gloves are red.

"Watch," Sakura says. "This is how you fix it." Sakura's hands cover the wound. "Put your hands over mine. It's important that you have your hands in a hold this way. This is how much chakra I'm using. Yes. Like that. Too much and it'll be uncontrollable. I'm going to let go now and you'll take over the healing."

A pause.

"Good." Sakura says. "You've got it. Now keep it that way."

1977, March 5

There is a mission in another village. Hinata is a scholar this time around. She's supposed to like books. She finds this mission especially hard because she can't understand the appeal. The books aren't old medical scrolls. They are about philosophy and politics and all other matters that Hinata hadn't grown up with.

There's a book she's holding, promising a long 900 page summary of a great war that spanned generations in a continent she doesn't know. Another is beside her; something about politics. It is a hardcover pale brown book with the letters in blood red.

These books are foreign.

She wants to go back home.

1977, February 28

Naruto had said:

"You can think of this mission as a holiday. It's a small settlement that's practically a million miles from Konoha and the Sound! You'll like this one!"

Sasuke had said, "I doubt it. It's still a mission."

Hinata hadn't said anything. She had looked to Sasuke.

"Hinata, take my side! Sasuke just complains. I let you guys go to nice places sometimes!"

Naruto had looked so radiant. So bright. His face had been lovely and anxious and looking to her for approval.

He had been looking at her.

It was blinding.

She had to look away.

Sasuke snaps, "Shut up Naruto."

1977, March 9

"Oh, you're pretty," a girl says offhandedly, while leaning over Hinata's table.

Hinata gently drops a book she's reading on local flora. Hinata blinks. "Thank you."

"Like a flower"

"Thank you," Hinata says again. Her face heats up.

"When are you off shift? Your skin is flawless. You need to tell me your secrets."

"Oh, um-"

She grabs a strand of Hinata's hair and Hinata has to physically stop herself from snapping the girl's wrist. In battle, her hair is an obvious target. She needs to remember to cut it, really.

"Whoa, sorry. I get like that sometimes. I didn't mean to get in your personal space!" The girl backs up.

"No," Hinata says a little too loudly. "No," she says again a little softer because some of the scholars are staring at her. They're in a quieter wing of the library. Hinata takes a calming breath. "You just surprised me, that's all. I think a break is exactly what I need."

1977, March 10

"What did you tell that girl?" Sasuke is so close to her. "We didn't come here for you to make friends. We have a mission."

Hinata pushes back, because she's had a nice day. He won't let her have this small piece. He has to ruin it. "I didn't tell her anything. She doesn't know anything. I wouldn't compromise the mission." Her voice tapers off near the end and it doesn't have the effect of scaring Sasuke.

Nothing scares him.

She doesn't understand why he does this to her.

Trust her.

Leave her to do something challenging. Come back and tell her to stay close (where he can see her). Then tell her to move back (because she'll hurt herself). She'll have to say something then. Like,

"Trust me,"

And

"I know what I'm doing."

And then he'll-

Trust her.

"Trust me," Hinata says and fans her hands out - placating. "Please."

He frowns and turns away, like he's scouting for enemies in the distance. "I do." Then belatedly, "Shit." He doesn't look frustrated, but she likes to think that she can see it. Then his gaze snaps back to her. "Did you get the info from the back storeroom?"

She nods. "Yes, I think I can get into the other storeroom locked upstairs."

He's nodding already, pulling out the layout of the library archive. "Yes. I see what you mean." He silently plots a course with his finger, and she leans over to get a closer look.

And it's back to business. At least, in this way, in this moment, they fit.

Then he has to ruin it.

He says, "I'll go get it."

Hinata's throat closes up. It does that when he's like this.

Hinata says, "no, I have a disguise there. I'm better suited."

"You're also a target for that girl who's been following you around like a fucking dog," he snaps.

She tenses. "What are you saying? She won't hurt me. She's a civilian."

"Are you listening? She-"

"I was choosing to ignore that part," she whispers. She doesn't know why his words are more cutting than usual. Does he think that anyone who associates with her just wants to kill her?

He glares. "Do what you want then. I don't care."

"Sasuke-"

And the cycle continues.

1980, July -

And now, "Get up," Sakura says. "You'll sit there and drown in your own goddamn self-pity and there's nothing I can do about that. And do you know how that makes me feel?"

Hinata raises her head off the bed. Sakura would feel bad. And angry. Because she can't help her when she's like this. Sakura hates it when she can't find a solution. She hates it when people don't follow her instructions. But she doesn't hate Hinata, because Sakura had said -

1970, - -

"Your hair is beautiful," Sakura says, unexpectedly.

Hinata drops her tweezers and blushes. She says "thank you," and forgets about the tweezers for a moment.

Sakura shrugs.

Sakura says, "Just an observation. It's getting longer and it still looks really neat. My hair is harder to handle." She shrugs again, but she's smiling. Her smiles always look a little sharp; grim. "Well, I thought this small talk would be a little less awkward. I saw some girls that work the fields talking like this. You know? Gossiping. Having fun. We need more of that, I think." Sakura's grim smile widens. "We had someone come in today. His arm needs to be reattached. He'll be prepped for the surgery in about 15 minutes. We're gonna have to go in for it." Sakura's smile grows. "You know? Fun"

1980, July -

"It's this," Sakura says, holding Hinata's hand tighter. "You can't heal this and it hurts you"…

"I can't think of a way to help you," Sakura says. "What you have isn't physical." She says, "I can feed you. But you're not really underfed. There's no wound; no bleeding. I can't do anything about it."

She's coaxed Hinata to go outside gardening with her. It's not calming Hinata down at all. Hinata hates the dirt under her hands. The gloves keep breaking. But that's not all.

"I heard that this can be therapeutic to some," Sakura says. She's using a small spade to stab into the ground. She sprinkles seeds in with little care. It's clear that she doesn't care very much for the activity. "Maybe it'll work."

Hinata looks away. Must've gotten lost in her thoughts because Sakura is saying,

"-nata, we're going inside now." She has her hand outstretched towards Hinata, the sun setting behind her. Hinata doesn't feel like she has moved, but she looks around her, and they've got several rows of sowed seeds.

She grabs Sakura's hand.

"What were you thinking of?" Sakura looks curious.

"Nothing," Hinata says honestly. "I just thought that you probably don't care much about gardening. And then nothing."

"Well, I care about you, believe it or not," Sakura says, tugging Hinata back inside. She doesn't look at Hinata when she says it, but Hinata's feeling somewhere between grateful and in dread because she knows how Sakura's eyes can pierce into her. Pull out all the good and bad bits and make her see.

Food lands in front of her. Sakura says, "eat it. I was joking about you not looking underfed. You could use more food."

Sakura pauses. "I don't think you're useless. Your thoughts aren't conductive to healing. But we'll handle that when we get there."

They settle down for their dinner.

Sakura doesn't make her say anymore.

And at night, Hinata stops herself from crawling into Sakura's bed; but she has nightmares.

Sakura comes into her room in the middle of the night and says, "Stop torturing yourself. It's foolish. Come with me."

…Things like this shouldn't move her –

She goes back to Sakura's room.

She makes herself comfortable. She breathes a sigh of relief into her elbow. Sakura doesn't make her say anything at all. Not like the first time (or second, or third, or fourth…) when Hinata had bled words into the pillows and Sakura had taken it all in a stride. Hinata wants to hold herself together. Now that Sasuke's gone.

…this shouldn't move her…

It's been so long.

1977, March 15

"There has to be a better solution," Hinata says.

"There probably is, but this one is easier," Sasuke replies.

He's reckless too. Not just her. She doesn't like his double standards. She speaks up about it. "I don't like your double standards. You won' let me do anything too risky but-"

"It's because your plans are stupid. There's a clear difference between dumb and-"

"You won't let me finish. How are your plans any better? You're-"

"-easier. It's easier this way. It's just that this time around I'm-"

"- hurt." Hinata is glad to finish the sentence. "Sleeping with the enemy isn't a good plan-"

"Fucking," Sasuke corrects her. He's grinning, and there's a wild look in his eye. "I don't have fun often on these missions. 'Sleeping' with the enemy is one way I get some pleasure from the experience." He emphasizes the word 'sleeping,' and draws out the 'e' with a viciousness she doesn't understand.

She feels…upset. He always makes fun of her abilities as a medic. He is reckless when it comes to his health. He thinks he's invincible. He may very well be invincible.

She doesn't care about that; the last women he slept with had stabbed a poisoned senbon into his neck. She had twisted it in too. Spite.

Hinata can see it.

Hinata's covering the wound up right now and the soft glow of chakra on his skin illuminates some of the blood in an eerie glow. It's his blood. In the darkness of her room, he is strangely- suddenly – silent and she cannot say anything because he will ignore her anyway. But, she tries.

She's always trying. "I don't like seeing you hurt like this. Please try to find a better way."

"To have fun? Right." He's looking into her eyes and she avoids his gaze, wishing she had asked him to face away from her while she worked.

But in that moment, when he had walked in, blood flowing steadily down his shoulder at her room door – so alone – she hadn't thought it mattered where he was looking.

1980, July -

"Last night, you didn't sleep in my room. Why?" Sakura asks.

Hinata stops eating to look at her. There's a few reasons. She just can't think of which one to say. She says them all. "Because it would bother you. Because I've lived with them for a while already. I can handle them." She stops because Sakura looks tense.

"And who the hell said that it would bother me? Don't I always say what I mean?" Sakura stops.

Hinata opens her eyes. She can't remember when she closed them.

Softer. Sakura's voice is a balm. "I always say what I want. Get what I want. You used to always listen and then trip over yourself trying to get it for me. And it sometimes made sense. Because I was your superior." She pauses. "Maybe, in all the ways you thought mattered. And it was wrong of me to think you'd always follow me around. I was angry when you left. Sakura's lips quirk up. "I said that already. That I was angry. Angry at a lot of things. I still am. I'm not as perfect as you seem to think anyway"

"Sakura," Hinata starts, panicking,

"You were trying to protect me. Make a name for yourself. Show that you were worth it. Worth keeping. I see that."

"Sakura," Hinata says. Her fingers feel like they're going numb. "I don't want to talk about this. I just want you to-" She stops. "You're not happy. I'm sorry."

Sakura frowns. "I'm happy you're here. With me. That you haven't walked out yet." She pauses, "Do you want to be here?"

Hinata says, "Always," then hates herself for it. Like Sakura said, maybe she's just so eager to please. And she can't help wanting Sakura to be pleased with her.

"My competition is not so stiff," Sakura says wryly. She pauses. "Good, we're done for today. We're gonna continue gardening."

Hinata is relieved.

They go outside. They make more holes in the ground and plant things. They cover the holes.

Hinata hates the dirt under her hands. The gloves keep breaking. But, she likes the sun on her back. She likes the body heat of Sakura beside her. Sakura is mumbling to herself. Something like,

"I have no idea what we're planting. I think they're tomato seeds or something. Do they even grow in this season?"

It's soothing. It eclipses the background noise.

A/N: Fell into a slump. Still in it. But, this is the chapter I was meant to get out months ago. It's been sitting in my documents for a while. Thought I should get it out. I'm not too happy with it, but I've given up trying to polish it. I was once told that getting something done, even a little thing, can get rid of some anxiety. I do feel better getting this out.

A review I saw this morning was the push I needed to click the publish button. It's been so long.

A reviewer asked how long it'll take Hinata to pick herself up. Maybe another chapter or two? Maybe three.

A reviewer asked me if this is a romance? Yes. It's certainly more of an obsession. But the guy will get the girl. It's not marked as a tragedy.

A reviewer asked me if Hinata is in love with Sakura. Yes. It's certainly more of an obsession.

Some reviewers have established that the characters don't understand love too well. At least the 'selfless' aspect of love. They never had good, constant examples of what 'selflessness' was in their lives. So, I agree with your analyses.

Please drop a review if you can. That'd be lovely. I'm really rusty. I have made every attempt to spell check (grammar check etc.). I'm trying to keep characterization consistent. It really has been a while…