THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHIT GETS INTO YOUR HEAD

Hiro had forgiven me for my slight after I attended he and Mii-chan's Academy entrance ceremony with a smile—albeit, a forced, and exhausted one—on my face. I think my eyes were beginning to develop permanent dark circles. I'd sat outside Sasuke's door that entire night for reasons I didn't even want to fathom, and tried not to listen to the laughing horror creature that beckoned me from every reflective surface. I could only sag with relief when it hadn't come back after the first night. But still...a new character had come to visit me in my nightmares. And this one came with a territory all its own.

Normally, the nightmares would feature future events, or glimpses into the past, or even things happening miles away in the present, that I could hardly remember when I woke up. Some were horrible things that made me want to scream and yet others were...not. A lot of them were about Naruto, actually. And I would've even laughed during some of them were it not for the phantom feeling of...wrongness. These were things I wasn't supposed to be seeing.

But after that night...a new kind of nightmare had arisen from the depths of my subconscious. These weren't the natural kind either, but I could tell they were different from the visions… And what's worse, I remembered every second of them in raw, minute detail. And every morning I had woken and run to the toilet to empty out my insides… I hadn't done that since the Uchiha Massacre. But this? This was worse. With the Uchiha, it might've been a massacre...but at least it was quick. This? This was...torture...rape, and...if there was a picture of hell, that's what it would look like. There was so much going on at once that I couldn't even take it all in. But there was blood...so much blood… And the worst part?

I liked it.

It was as if I had taken a passenger seat in my own body while someone...something...else took control. And as my hands committed those...unspeakable acts, as the taste of blood wetted my tongue, as my clawed fingers dug around in another's insides, I...felt nothing short of mind numbing ecstasy. My whole body tingled with delight, until any vague idea of guilt gradually vanished without me even realizing it. And what came next… No. Nothing could make me relive that again. I refused to think of it. But when I woke up, the sheer gravity and horror that was the dream hit me like a building collapsing upon me. It disturbed me on a profound level and now, every time I closed my eyes, I saw the grinning mask of a fox, the traces of something red flashing behind the dark, slanted pits that served as eyeholes, and the enticing whisper in my ears of come heeeere to meee…

And so the solution had presented itself fairly plainly: I would give up on sleeping. And that was that.

The decision led me to an abrupt change in diet. Instead of my favorite rectum-ripping flaming-hot spicy foodstuffs and pizza addictions...I had switched over to power foods, nutritional essentials, and ninja rations. The stuff tasted like shit, but as long as it kept me awake, I would bare with it. It also led to me begging Akimichi Amaki—the only person in my academy class I happened to be on good terms with—for tips on her clan's calorie wizardry.

"But...why do you want to stay awake so badly?" She stared at me with concern, her pudgy, purple painted cheeks puffing out somewhat as she pouted at me. "That can't be healthy, you know..."

"At this point…" I said hopelessly in a lackluster tone, "it really doesn't matter anymore. If I sleep, I… Let's just say there are some not-so-nice things that go on in my head at night… One more night of this, and I'm going to go insane."

She tugged on one jaggedy short pigtail that poked out on either side of her head as was a nervous tic of hers and she shook her head worriedly, "Ohhh...that doesn't sound good. It seems like more of something in the Yamanaka territory, not Akimichi… I don't know if I could help, but I do know some of my dad's Yamanaka friends—"

"NO," I nearly shouted, but my voice cracked and I just shook my head vigorously. "I mean...ahem," I coughed roughly to save face. "...no. No thanks. I...don't think any Yamanaka could handle my screwed up brain. They'd probably take one look at it and then run screaming bloody murder...and maybe bang their head repeatedly against something hard or swallow bleach to get out the awful stuff left behind..."

Amaki blinked several times at my long winded explanation, bemused for a moment before she burst out laughing. "Yuka-chan, you always look so serious when you're making jokes. I can never tell the difference."

I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't joking.

"Well, if you're really that opposed to it, I suppose I could take you by my uncle's restaurant…" She smiled sweetly at my exhausted frown. "Maybe he'll have some advice that can help you. Besides, I don't really know if it's okay to talk about clan stuff like that to an...outsider." She looked embarrassed saying it like that, but it was the truth of the matter. Amaki was too nice for her own good sometimes, and she hurried to reassure me, "But it's okay! Uncle will definitely know what to do. We'll have you back in tip top shape in no time! I'm sure of it!"

The corners of my lips tilted up tiredly, even though I didn't really believe her. Despite that, I smiled at her genuinely and said, "Thanks, Maki-chan...you're a huge help."

She grinned back at the use of the nickname. "That's what friends are for, right?"

I hesitated for a moment, but I supposed I was already bogged down by enough of them already. Besides, it was already evident that I was never getting out of this place alive. One more buddy along for the ride couldn't hurt anything. "Y-yeah...ditto." I still didn't exactly know what to say to those sort of things. Especially with people like Amaki, who were just so sweet and innocent… It was so much easier with people like Sasuke, even though I hated him most of the time. But hate was something I could understand. Kindness...caring...dedication to other human beings… These things were foreign territory. I wasn't used to it. And on another level...did I even deserve it?

Part of me couldn't help feeling like I was just using Amaki. I didn't trust my own intentions. But the sickening feeling I got when I thought of manipulating her made me hopeful that it wasn't all just to serve my own goals. Since I was stuck here, I...I wanted to give it a shot. A real friend, for once. No deals, no manipulation, no uncontrollable forces of circumstance… Just friends, who help each other because they want to...not because they have to. Idly, I wondered if that's what Naruto had meant the other day when he was once again talking my ear off…

"Hey! You!" We stopped abruptly on our way home when a familiar voice called out. Ami had lost all traces of politeness since our first encounter, and I'd lost all patience for her bullshit. It came as a general consensus between us to just get straight to the point whenever either of us were forced to communicate. Sakura was right in that Ami only really kept her bullying to the loners, like a spider who reels in a struggling fly. But once I started hanging out with Amaki...well, Ami was just a bitch with no leg to stand on. And apparently, from what she told me, Amaki was the go to target before I had arrived.

However, the lone fact that Ami had called out to us wasn't the reason I stopped…but because she had a miserable looking Mii-chan in tow along with her usual gang of parasites and had a very vicious grin on her face. This did not bode well.

"I...I'm so sorry, Yuka-nee...she made me—" Mii-chan started, tears forming behind her clunky glasses, which immediately put me on edge. I hated crying children; not the children themselves, but the reason behind the crying. And in this case...the cause seemed pretty obvious.

I glared at Ami as she shoved Mii forward roughly. "I made a cute new friend. And she told us aaaaall about you…" Some of the girls giggled, and the one on Mii's left—the one I remembered from the gum incident—popped her bubble gum suggestively and tugged on a strand from one of the girl's twintails. I sent her a pointed stare, but chose not to react. That would only egg them on…

"...Really? I find that hard to believe, since I barely know her. She's just some nobody from my old orphanage," I tried not to look at the devastated look in Mii-chan's teary eyes. It was a lie, but even though Mii-chan was smart...it was still a pretty good bluff.

Even Ami's eyes darted nervously towards the little girl as a splash of doubt colored her features, but they almost immediately flashed back to her sickly sweet mask of vicious cruelty. "Well...she certainly seems to know you. She told us all about what kind of people you like to hang out with. That trashy ninja Naruto? Exactly how did he graduate again?" She let out a peel of laughter.

I only raised my brow. "He snuck into a highly protected building, incapacitated the Hokage, stole a valuable scroll, learned an extremely advanced jutsu from it in under eight hours, then proceeded to protect the scroll and Iruka-sensei from Mizuki-sensei, who wanted to steal it. He beat him in less than a minute."

There was silence between us for a whole minute, and one of the girls even dropped her lollypop with the way her mouth was gaping open. Then Ami exploded, "No way! That's a total lie! I don't believe it even for a second!"

I shrugged. "Whatever. You can always ask Iruka-sensei later. Mii-chan? Isn't he your sensei this year? He's a pretty good teacher. Make sure and listen to him."

The girl, now too shocked to cry only nodded numbly, but remarked musingly, "I didn't know Naruto was that cool…"

"He's not, actually. Most of the crazy shit he manages to pull off generally happens because of an accident… You know...one disastrous chain of events setting off another chain of events which then sets something on fire, and...well…I won't go into detail about that incident." I shook my head to clear it of any unwanted memories of the event. "Anyway, it begs the question...if you look at the results of his accidents, what would happen if Naruto suddenly started doing things on purpose? It's a little bit horrifying to contemplate..."

Amaki giggled from beside me and I shot her a grin. I think everyone knew what Naruto was like by now.

Ami, however, growled in frustration. "I didn't come here to talk about stupid Naruto—"

"Seems to me like you did." I snorted. "If I didn't know you better, I'd think you might have developed a little—"

"You hang out with that stupid Kiba too!" She accused wildly, "Mii-chan says you go out on dates all the time!"

I groaned internally. Mii-chan had developed this mortifying little fantasy in her head in which she lived through me and imagined Kiba and I skipping through a field of daisies, off into the sunset together, getting married, and having lots of Inuzuka babies. It kind of made me want to hurl my guts up on the spot, personally, but I couldn't bring myself to come down and crush a fragile little girl's lovey-duvy dream world. Even though it just gave Kiba unwanted encouragement and a horrendous ego boost, I could just as easily take out my frustrations on him instead of Mii-chan, and so that's what I did. Unfortunately, the root of the problem still remained...as the current situation clearly pointed out. I think I was going to have to get down on her level one day and concoct a wild fairytale love story about me and Sasuke eloping in secret. God forbid he ever got wind of it, but Sasuke never went near the orphanage for some reason. I would count on that, and Mii's sworn secrecy on our 'elopage' working to my advantage. God, it was almost worse than the Kiba fantasy… No, actually, it was definitely worse.

I shook my head, but I was resolved on fixing this somehow as I eyed Mii with a you're-in-trouble look. "We're going to have a little chat about this later, you and me. Girl-to-girl. Got that?"

She gulped, but noded shakily. However, Ami sneered a grin. "Girl-to-girl? How do you figure that when the only friends you have are boys? It figures though. The only reason you have friends is because you use your body to reel them in."

I kind of had to stop and stare at her for a second, then stare down at said body for a double take. Yep. As I thought, no chest, no ass, no hips. I was about as curveless as a plank of wood. Her statements really did make me feel uncomfortable, though not in the way I think she intended… It was as if she thought I had sex appeal or something. And I'm not even being modest here. I'm telling you the truth. Flat. As. A. Board. In the end, I really just had to cover my mouth and try not to snicker. But that kind of failed as I pointed out Amaki, "How do you explain Maki-chan, then? She's a girl. Nee, Maki," I beckoned to her with a hand, whispering loudly so everyone could hear, "You'd tell me if you swung that way, right?"

She laughed, bouncing somewhat as she quaked with the stuff, and shook her head. "I really don't know how to answer that! It's so sudden!"

I was about to reply suggestively with a grin when Ami scowled and replied coldly, "That really doesn't count… How can you even prove it's a girl anyway? All I see is a rolling hunk of fat meat…"

For once...I was struck dumb without any chance of retort. The insult wasn't even directed at me, yet my mouth hung slack, and my eyes widened as the words sunk in like stabbing knives. How… I didn't understand. How is it that someone could be so cruel to someone as kind as Amaki? And as I looked between the two, Ami, who smirked with satisfaction at the sunken look on Amaki's face. The amused grin I had coaxed out of her from before had faded into nothing as soon as the horrible words had left the other girl as if it had never been there in the first place. And my understanding lessened more, and more as the moments ticked by. I didn't understand.

I didn't understand why my body moved on its own as it launched itself towards Ami. I didn't understand why I wanted to rip her apart and feel her blood dripping down my hands and over my tongue like in the dream. And if strong, unyielding arms hadn't wrapped themselves around me, I probably would have. Even still, I fought against them, and it was only when the lack of air caused me to go limp that I recollected my senses.

Amaki had her arms locked around me in her double size technique, nearly squeezing the life out of me, but they began to deflate as the killing intent faded. Whoa, whoa...actual killing intent! That came...from me? The arms around me trembled, and though I couldn't see Amaki's face from her position behind me, I could imagine it was something like the girls in front of me. Ami stood stock still, save for the tremors that wracked through her, as well as...I was sad to see, Mii-chan. I didn't want her to see me like this.

Still shocked by my own actions I reached up and patted Amaki's arm in an attempt to be reassuring and cracked a joke. "See…? This is what happens when I get tired… I'm a total grump."

"Ah...ahaha…" She laughed somewhat hysterically. I could see she was finding it hard to keep a straight face. "That's okay… I...I get grumpy when I'm hungry sometimes. May-maybe that's it, hmm?"

I stared at Ami intently. "...I'm starving."

Her face drained of color.

"N-nee, nee, Mii-chan?" Amaki tentatively grabbed my hand with one of hers and beckoned to the trembling little girl with the other, "Why don't you come with us, hmm? I'll find you and...Y-yuka-chan," She chanced a glance at me as I continued to stare at Ami. "...something yummy to eat, okay? It'll be fun." She made a brave attempt at a smile, which seemed to shake Mii out of whatever trance she'd been in. She looked back at Ami too, whose hold had weakened on her, and chanced a run for Amaki's hand. Ami was still too stiff to notice as the little girl clung to the Akimichi, but her fear now seemed to be directed away from the source that had so recently directed the terrifying amount of killing intent. I didn't even know how I had done it. Much less where all that pent up anger had come from. I'd seriously wanted to kill someone for calling someone else fat. That made...absolutely zero sense.

I was truthfully glad Amaki pulled us both away from the silly bully girls, and into the crowded, bustling streets of the village. It distracted my thoughts from the bloodbath I had been intending to create. And, eventually, taking in the still wary faces of my...friends, I murmured, "I...I'm really sorry. Something...something Ami said just set me off…"

Mii-chan just stared, but Amaki sent me a tentative smile and said, "...That's okay. My cousin probably would've reacted...similarly. He gets really upset whenever anyone says the 'F' word, hahah…"

Mii-chan continued to stare on for a long time after that, but when she spoke she did so in a sort of reverent tone. "That was so cool. Teach me, please." She hesitated a moment before admitting, "I...want to use it on Hiro-kun when he steals from my panty drawer."

"He what?!" I exclaimed loudly, making the people around us stare or send dirty looks. But I gritted my teeth and clenched the fist that wasn't holding Amaki's hand angrily as the cause became obvious in my mind. "This is all Kiba's fault! I'll kill him!"

Mii panicked slightly, waving her hands and shaking her head so hard her ponytails would've whacked anyone standing nearby in the face. "But-but Yuka-nee! You can't do that—Kiba-kun is...he…" She stuttered desperately.

I rolled my eyes. I guess now was a good time to get to nip this in the bud. I sighed and knelt down to look her in the eye. "Mii-chan...I think I need to tell you something about me...and Sasuke."

Oh god, it was painful. I nearly stopped in the middle to go and bang my head against the wall to get out the images it created in order to block out any other fantasies in Mii's head. And I didn't know if it was worse that Amaki was standing right there and knew I was lying my ass off—because she knew Sasuke from being in the same class for a few years—and giggling like a madwoman, or that she didn't believe it. Mii-chan, however, soaked it up like a sponge in water, and stared at me with starry eyes. "I...I promise I won't tell anyone. That's so romantic!"

I wanted to follow the example of my theoretical Yamanaka and swallow brain bleach. But Amaki grinned at me and agreed with the little girl, "Yeah, Yuka-chan...so romantic. I hope the two of you have a very happy life together."

I sent her a long suffering look and begged, "...Let us never speak of this again. Ever."

"Hahaha, whatever you say, Mrs. Uchiha," she laughed heartily at my expense, and I think my face drained of every bit of color it possessed.

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it—" I urged myself over and over again holding my head in my hand as my stomach lurched queasily at the very thought. Thinking of him that way just made me feel inherently wrong. It's a good thing Mii-chan was off in her own little world, because I think I was having a miniature seizure. Then I hissed, "Maki-chan, how could you even say something like that?"

She grinned, squeezing my hand and pointing out, "You dig your own grave. Dad always says you should be careful what kind of ideas you voice out loud. The spirits might hear you and decide to make it their own..."

I pondered that thoughtfully, somewhat disturbed as we passed the bookstore, then stopped abruptly as a familiar giggle reached my ears and raised a finger for pause, "Hold that thought… There's something I need to take care of. Be right back."

I scowled as I stalked through the shelves in an increasingly bad temper, giving the manager a scathing glare as I went. This was partially his fault after all...if you counted negligence as a sin. Then again, they were getting pretty skilled with that transformation jutsu...and the manager wasn't exactly what you'd call intelligent. Still, it wasn't that hard to find them if you knew where to look. And...why was I not surprised?

My hands fell on either of their shoulders like iron clamps and I felt both of them drop the sexy magazine and the giggling cut out immediately as they looked slowly back at me. My mouth twitched into a slow, somewhat sadistic grin and I murmured sweetly, "...Hiro-kun? You and me need to have a little talk. And you," my eyes flashed to the boy on the left. "Kono...uhh…"

"MY NAME IS KONOHAMARU!" he suddenly shouted and I winced slightly shaking my head. This kid hung out with Naruto way more than was healthy.

Putting that aside, however, I simply glared back before promptly dragging them after me, "Yeah. Whatever."

"It's not whatever—"

"Hey, You, the midget-pervert, how about you shut the hell up?" I scowled at the brat surlily, then aimed a stare loaded with condemning disapproval at the manager on our way out. "I find anymore kids in here again, and you're going to have hell to pay. And it's not gonna be from me. You're gonna be hearing from the Old Man. And you," I shoved the scarfed brat along out of the shop and addressed him again. "you don't get to be so lucky. Soon as I get some chow in my gut, I'm gonna work up a nice little report about your...escapades...and hand it right in to the good old commander-in-chief. Sparks over here might be a pain in my ass, but you're his problem. Got that, Brat?"

He scowled at me hatefully, muttering things under his breath, but his attention was diverted as soon as Hiro spotted Mii. The green-haired boy pointed at her and accused, "Traitor!"

I took that as my cue to bop him on the head and followed up with a swift kick in the ass, making him wobble and nearly fall over onto his face. "You're one to talk, you little shit! You left her alone today, didn't you?!" I deduced, internally questioning why she had been with Ami in the first place. "I thought I told you to take care of each other!" I sneered down at him and demanded, "And what's this crap I hear about you going panty snatching, huh? What do you need a girl's underwear for anyway?" His face went bright flaming red, though the blue-scarf-brat was eying him with something like respect. I shook my head. "You know what? I don't even want to know. Mii-chan, I'll teach you some good traps to rig your underwear drawer with later... Next person who tries to dig through there without permission is losing some fingers… Now, get moving you idiots. I'm getting really irritated with all three of you." I shoved the two forward with another kick aimed for Hiro's butt to get him going as he was starting to drag his feet, still weighed down by his embarrassment. But I ignored it cheerfully and called out, "Point the way, Maki-chan!"

She laughed, shaking her head, watching as the three walked ahead of us, Hiro and Konohamaru still sulking and Mii-chan humming vaguely, reaching out to grab both of their hands as Amaki had done with she and I. The chubby girl took that moment to mention slyly, "You're pretty good with kids, aren't you?"

"Hardly," I remarked with dry humor. "They're like vicious beasts. If you don't scare the shit out of 'em first, and show them who the dominant species is, they'll eat you alive."

"That's an...interesting way of looking at it, I suppose."

We soon came across a restaurant that I had passed several times before, and always had an appetizing aroma wafting out from its doors, but for some reason...a foreboding feeling I always associated with the night visions kept me away, the same as it always kept me away from Ichiraku Ramen... In large letters over the entrance, a name was spelled 'Yakiniku-Q.' It seemed vaguely unoriginal, but got the point across alright I supposed. It was hard to even get through the door because it was so packed. And, almost instantly, a rotund, and clearly swamped man behind the counter hailed Amaki over. "Oh, you're here! We could use the extra hand today!"

It was at this this point he noticed the ragtag gang that followed her in. Konohamru was easily identified, obviously, being the honorable grandson and all. I was probably the only one in the village who couldn't be bothered to remember that mouthful. I'd have to come up with some sort of call sign for him later if he continued to hang out with Hiro, consequentially becoming a second pain in my ass. The man smiled at the two orphan dwellers kindly, but his eyes stayed on me longer than they should've. I saw recognition there as I returned the stare with my neutral default setting—which generally gave off the impression of being largely unimpressed with my surroundings and everyone in them. Yet still, he asked Amiki amiably, "Did you make some new friends? I don't suppose any of them can cook..."

Before I could stop her, Amaki jumped to declare enthusiastically, "Actually, Yuka-chan is amazing! She always packs the best homemade lunches! They're even better than Mom's! D-don't tell her I said that though..."

He laughed as I covered my eyes in exasperation. I think I regretted sharing my lunch with her the day Ami decided to stomp on it. Now I only got to eat less than half, while Amaki got her lunch and the other half of mine. Granted, she offered to share hers as well—a big honor from an Akimichi—but it just seemed awkward to me for some reason. And I was kind of a wimp whenever it came to Amaki, so I always caved whenever she eyed my fried gyoza hungrily.

"Yeah, Nee-san always comes and makes us breakfast at the orphanage... I always look forward to it." Mii smiled sweetly, and if she wasn't so cute and honest, I probably would've kicked her in the the butt like I was oft to do with Hiro on numerous occasions. Which is why he kept quiet other than to cross his arms surlily across his chest—a habit I dearly hoped he hadn't picked up from me—and merely grunted out a grudging agreement to Mii-chan's words.

"Hmm, is that so?" The man grinned kindly at the bespectacled girl and the spiky green haired boy, but seemed to be humoring them. And if I knew Hiro...he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he still knew when he was being talked to like a child. Orphan kids were a different breed than your casual civilian-born. Mostly because sometimes you never knew if they were actually civilian born or not. This is coming from someone who was there when a random freaky-eyed kid spontaniously activated a Byakugan. And that meant whatever poor shmuck in the Hyuga clan who couldn't keep it in his pants was having a very bad day. "How many of you live there? Does she cook for all of you?"

"None of your business..." Hiro grumbled petulantly, but I smacked him in the head, suddenly realizing where I remembered the vaguely familiar guy with wild red-brown hair from.

"Hiro, watch your mouth. This man is one of the people who make it possible for you to attend the academy. His money is going towards the orphan program so you better show some respect and work hard so you'll be able to pay back every ryo he puts down for you, plus interest." As the boy's face reddened I ignored him, instead turned to Amaki and spoke in a sparkly voice that was barely concealing my irritation. "...You didn't tell me your uncle was the clan head, Maki-chan."

She shrugged sheepishly. "I thought if there was anyone who could help you, it'd be him."

I sighed deeply. "Yeah, but I really wasn't expecting to consult with the clan leader... It's not that big of a deal, honestly—"

"Well, you have my attention now. Yuka-chan, was it?" I blanched slightly at the familiarity. "If you're close enough with Amaki that she would bring you to me for help, then I will try my best to do so...right after I feed all these hungry folks!" He grinned at me, pudgy, Akimichi face making his eyes go all chinky. "I take it you're used to cooking for a lot of people? Why don't you and Amaki come on back and help us out?"

I crossed my arms, mirroring Hiro, and my suspicion that he'd adopted the stubborn stance from me was unfortunately confirmed. "Hey, listen, I'm grateful for the Orphan Fund and I'm willing to do my part and all, but I'm no philanthropist—"

"Yukaaa!" Amaki nudged me with her shoulder, and hissed into my ear, "If you want help, you're going to have to work for it!"

"...Oh." I blinked. Duh. "Yeah. That works too. Actually, I'd prefer it that way."

"That's the spirit!" The man nodded enthusiastically, then motioned to the kids, "You three take a seat anywhere you like. It's on the house today!"

My eyes boggled for a second, "N-no, Akimichi-sama! I'm punishing them! They're in big trouble—I…" I hesitated at the puppy faces and reluctantly cringed out the words, "They're my brats...I'll pay for them." All three cheered, before viciously attacking me with hugs, and I was just trying to remain upright when they ran off to find a booth. I shouted threats after them about not making trouble for anyone, or else.

"Haha, you seem a bit young to have kids of your own," he teased as I followed Amaki's lead and grabbed an oversized apron from off a hook.

"Yeah, well, things in this world are kind of messed up sometimes, if you'll forgive the ridiculous understatement…" I grumbled, shaking my head and sending another wary look after the trio out of the corner of my eye. Konohamaru seemed to be telling a story about his stupid sensei/babysitter, swinging his arms animatedly, and accidentally hitting a patron in the back of the head. I sighed and shook my head, but returned my attention to the boss, getting right down to business. "I'm great at making desserts and pastries, decent at traditional cuisine, but my main area of expertise lies in some pretty awesome original dishes that no one's ever heard of before. But for all intents and purposes, put me on any detail you want. I'm good with whatever."

"Well, we're out of side dishes. Are you any good at improvising?"

I thought for a moment, noticing a deep fryer in the corner, then darted my eyes back. "...Got any potatoes?"

The result of my dreams of magical spuds had finally come to fruition.

Tempura fries.

Apparently they were a big hit.

And for some reason, I was feeling oddly satisfied about that fact. For years, people had dismissed my ideas as plain odd—especially when pizza was involved. I'd even grown a mild sinking feeling that nobody liked my cooking except me, though Hanako, and the orphans disagreed when it came to my cinnamon buns. Then Sasuke came along and decided to go on a 'whatever Yuka makes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner' diet, and blew that theory pretty much out of the water, along with a good chunk of my grocery funds. But still, I could write that off as him just being a freak of nature (and he was). So it wasn't until I worked side dishes at Yakiniku-Q that I realized it wasn't just me and said freak of nature anymore.

Damn straight was I satisfied.

But when Chouza offered me a job, I nearly collapsed right in front of him. "You have no idea how much I wish I could've met you a month ago... As it is now, I have a pretty tight training schedule, plus Academy hours on top of that. I'm at the top of the class, but I won't stay there for long at my current rate—at which point, Hokage-sama has notified me that I will be kicked out of the program for good and lose my apartment. Which brings me to why I asked Maki-chan for help..." I sighed as the last customers of rush hour waddled out the door, and scowled slightly at the three idiots in the corner booth throwing tempura fries at each other, Amaki chiding them good-heartedly. Lowering my head, I admitted reluctantly, "...There's been, a disturbing development in my sleep that causes me great distress whenever I have dreams. I don't have time to deal with it properly, as graduation is coming up soon, and Hokage-sama says that if I don't pass, bad things will happen. I've tried changing my diet to things that will keep me awake, but short of carrying around ten packs of straight caffeine with me wherever I go and injecting it directly into my bloodstream, I don't see any way that will help my body function at its usual hundred percent without sleep."

"Well, of course, you're right. The body needs sleep. Anything else is completely unhealthy and will probably cause lasting damage." He agreed, and I drooped with another sigh.

"But...surely someone must've figured out a way around it," I protested weakly. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I've heard of it before—a ninja that doesn't sleep. A story someone told me once…" I wracked my brains for the source of said story, but all I got were flashes of blood, sand, red hair, and hateful, cold blue eyes ringed with deep, purpleish black dark circles. It reeked of nightmares, so I left it alone after a moment, trailing off… "...It can't be impossible."

"Nothing's impossible." The man nodded wisely. "You're right about that too… However, for you…" He shook his head slowly, the great bushy mane of red hair brushing his broad shoulders. "...I have a question for you, Yuka-chan. Are you looking for a temporary solution, or a permanent one?"

That was a hard question to answer.

I figured the truth would probably be best. "...I have a bit of a track record for running away from my problems." I looked at him wearily. "I've sort of figured out that it doesn't work, even if you're a really fast runner...but I'm still a coward." I shook my head, trying to explain. "But you have to understand...these nightmares have been following me around ever since I was little. I quit the academy after one year because they suddenly got worse. Now, again...they're on a whole new level of brutal, and this time...I can't just quit. It's not an option. I have to find some way to keep moving forward." I closed my eyes, then opened them again quickly as two holes in a festival mask stared back at me. "To answer your question, yes. I'd like nothing more than an easy, permanent solution. But the best solution, to get rid of the nightmares for good...probably won't have the word 'easy' anywhere in its definition. So for right now...all I can ask for is something temporary in order to keep going...even if it's not the best, or the most long lasting solution." I sighed again. "I understand if you can't help me. I wouldn't want any of your clan's secrets to become compromised because of a coward like me."

I was about to turn away, but was stopped by a hand the size of a dinner plate clapping down on my shoulder, and nearly making my knees buckle. "I don't think you're a coward. But maybe you give up on yourself too easily." He went on to tell me, "You seem like a good kid. So I'll help you as long as you can agree to a couple of conditions."

Again, I got that mild feeling that I was agreeing to a devil's deal, but Chouza seemed kinder than the Hokage, so I murmured quietly, "What kind of conditions…?"

He reached back into a pack secured to his hip and extracted several round, orange capsules, counting them carefully before placing them securely in my hand. "Take these every time you start to feel tired, but never twice in the same day. My first condition is that once you run out of them, you replace a temporary solution with a permanent one, and never ask me for help again. As for the second condition…" His serious expression slowly morphed into a grin, "write down all your secret recipes for me and come on back to Yakiniku-Q when you get some time off!"

I stared down at the pills in my hand for a second in disbelief. It may be temporary, but the end to the nightmares was now literally lying directly in the palm of my hand. And that was enough to make me blow my character straight out of the park and I actually attempted to present Chouza with a back breaking hug. Then again, I say 'attempt,' because it didn't really work, seeing as how it was like trying to hug a giant Shodaime tree—my arms didn't go all the way around. And I probably would've started crying out of pure joy if it weren't for the lingering shreds of dignity I still clung to. Even so, Chouza would probably have my undying loyalty for all eternity. As for giving up all my prized recipes, that was pretty much a given, and I even wrote them all down on napkins for him happily before I left, waving a cheerful goodbye to Amaki, and dragging the three stooges behind me. I wasn't even pissed off at them anymore, and all was right with the world...until Konohamaru opened his mouth.

"Hey. Are you the Boss's girlfriend?"

I stared at him. What a bizarre question. "...What Boss are you talking about?"

"You know," He waved his hand as if it should be obvious. "Naruto-nii-chan!"

I think my eye twitched just a bit. "...No. Never. Not in a thousand burning hells. That is wrong on so many fucking levels. Did someone drop you on your head, Kid?"

"My name's not Kid, it's—"

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes, "Konohagaki—or something like that. Here's the thing. I'm not going to remember your name, Kid. It's just not gonna happen, so you should quit your screaming and carrying on, and let's just skip to the end, Kay?" I thought for a second as I scrambled to come up with an appropriate nickname. "Hmmm… Squirt. Not exactly the most original, but it should work."

"Ehh? Hey! My name's not—"

"You should just accept it," Mii-chan sighed, pushing her glasses up on her nose.

"Yeah," Hiro agreed. "at least it's better than 'Sparky.'"

"And you don't even want to know where that came from—mmmpf!" Hiro had quickly covered her mouth to prevent the story from being retold.

"Where do you think 'Mousy' came from!?" He retorted, at which point, Mii went into a mode I liked to call 'Killer Mii-chan' and she proceeded to clobber him. I actually took a moment to admire the scenery for a moment, and it was only after Konohamaru got elbowed in the face trying to seperate them that I decided to intervene. I wasn't Naruto. Couldn't have the honorable grandson hurt on my watch. I might actually get in trouble.

Hoisting either kid over a separate shoulder—they were still trying to kill each other—I continued walking without saying a word, except to glance back at Konohamaru, who had a rapidly growing bruise on his cheek, and I called out expectantly, "Well? You coming, Squirt? I ain't got all day."

For some reason, he grinned with that chip-toothed smile of his and scampered after me, blue scarf trailing after him ridiculously. Cute kid. I would say that. Bad habits though. And I could blame Naruto for that. I was going to straighten the two of them out whenever the blond idiot got back. Kids were like impressionable blank slates that became whatever you wrote on them. And sometimes you could do it without even meaning to. For instance, if you say nasty words around a kid, they're inevitably going to repeat what you say to other people—which can be pretty embarrassing, because I tended to be myself without any sort of filter around the orphan kids. It showed in the way Hiro scowled at everyone and had adopted my stubborn cross armed glare. Mii-chan was a little less impressionable, but she still believed every word I said. And why? Because for some unfathomable reason, they respected me. I didn't exactly know why, but maybe it's because I paid attention to them individually, even gave them names. To me, kids were precious. All of them. Even the bratty ones.

When we reached the orphanage, I let Hiro in at once entrance and Mii-chan in at the other. Hopefully they'd get distracted by something else while they made their way through the halls that made up the building in their epic quest to maim one another. At which point I focused my attention on Konohamaru and grumbled, "Come on Squirt. It's getting late. And I'm still not finished with you. We're going to have a talk with the Old Man."

He rolled his eyes. "He won't care."

"Probably not," I agreed, but smirked slowly. "Therefore I will make a big enough stink about it to make him care. Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. That kind of thing."

He stared at me. "You're weird."

"This, coming from the kid who hangs out with Naruto," I retorted, eying his bruise with a bit of a sigh. "And now you're rolling with the orphan gang. You're in the same class, right?" I stopped him, kneeling down to his level and pulling out a pack of ointment from a pack I'd taken to wearing at my hip. Actually, I'd replaced the customary, oversized band shirt entirely with a red and black hoody vest ever since I'd started the academy. My shorts were just fine, and I continued to wear my boots, despite them hindering my speed slightly because I thought they packed a bigger kick, but the extra loose material on my comfy band shirt hung off the shoulder a bit, and tended to get caught on things. So that pretty much equaled the end of that era.

"We're in Iruka-sensei's class… Hey, stop that!" He tried to pull away as I dabbed the ointment onto his cheek.

"No." I denied simply, and held his head to keep him still. "Anyway, I want you to do me a favor."

"What do you want?" He whined, leaning away from the nasty smelling goop.

"Keep an eye on Sparky and Mousy, okay? They obviously can't do it themselves, and I'm going to be graduating soon, so I'm counting on you, okay?" I leveled a serious look at him for a moment, then used the distraction to get a good bit of goopy stuff on his face. "And don't act all Doofy like Naruto! Perverts aren't cool! If you follow in his footsteps, you're going to run into a wall, or more likely someone's fist! Got that, Snotty?"

He tried to wipe the goopy stuff off, but only succeeded in rubbing it in more, which suited the purpose just fine. "Ugh! Hey! I thought you decided on 'Squirt!'"

I shrugged. "I like Snotty better. It suits you."

"Why you—" He attempted to attack me, but that plan sort of backfired on him when he tripped over his scarf and landed on his face. Geez, I was going to run out of ointment by the time I was finished with this kid…

"Why do you wear that thing?" I pointed to it. "Seems kind of pointless for a ninja."

"It was my dad's!" He defended sharply, and instead of cruelly pointing out that tripping over it was probably what killed him in the first place, I didn't say anything at all for a long moment.

"Well...at least wear it properly so you don't damage it." I reached out and readjusted it, wrapping the overly long bit around his head a little more so it came off as a half mask like thing. In the end, the effect was actually kind of cool. "Hey, what do you know? You almost sort of look like a ninja... Now you just need lose the underwear thing."

"It's not underwear, it's a helmet!" He insisted, even though it was clearly underwear.

"It looks lame," I pointed out.

"No it doesn't!"

"Dude...it totally does."

"You got any better ideas!?"

I tapped my chin thoughtfully for a second before a metaphorical light bulb popped on in my head, and I removed the bandana holding back my ridiculous cowlicks. I then disposed of the underwear thing by flicking it like a slingshot into a nearby ally—an enraged feline yowled at us—and tied the black bandana around his head securely. "There. That makes everything look better."

He was staring at me though. "...What's up with your hair?"

"...They're my ears." I decided to mess with him. "I'm actually part cat."

"No you're not!" he protested, though he sounded unsure. "That-that's genetically—" He stumbled over the big word. "—impossible!"

"Oh yeah?" I challenged with an amused curl to my lips. This is where I always got them. "Wanna bet? Why don't you take a look at my eyes?"

I had mild coloboma in both of them. It made the pupil look somewhat off center and almost as if it were spilling out into the rest of the iris—nearly feline if it happened to be in just the right spot. In my case, the result was a little bit more than eerie if you looked close enough; my eyes always took on a bizarre animalistic glare in the rare photos I was caught in. Mom was the same. Amazingly, despite the defect, I could still see just fine. I used to hate it when I was a kid, but came to enjoy being different at some point. Especially when when it meant I could effectively fuck with people's heads about it.

"Why is it that my grandson is utterly convinced one of your ancestors is a feline?" The Old Man inquired idly as he handed me a cup of Oolong tea. Naturally, I abused the offered sugar container on the center of the antique coffee table without apology or restraint. It was a credit to his ingrained experience in dealing with much more outlandish habits that he didn't react with the gag reflex most people—including Sasuke—seemed to favor.

I simply shrugged. "You've got yourself one weird kid, Sandaime-sama. Don't look at me. I'm not the one who contributed to his special part of the gene pool." I used the opportunity to breach the subject I'd come to discuss. "Speaking of which, are you aware he's been sneaking into the porn section with Naruto? Normally, I wouldn't care—he's your problem, not mine—but the bad habit has spread to this little pain in my ass called Hiro-kun, and he's started showing an interest in his fellow classmate's panties... She's expressed a disire to learn how to project killing intent so as to dicourage this behavior, though it may be a bit early for her. So I decided that getting down to the root of the problem would diffuse it just as effectively."

He blinked once with a pause before straight up laughing at me. And it only grew in volume when I stared at him in stony, indignant silence. Finally, it died down and he shook his head, "Sorry, sorry... It's just that I never expected you of all people to come to me with a problem like this."

"Well I'm sure it's a lot less troublesome than the usual problems I bring you." I seethed, but kept my tone light. "You should be grateful."

He laughed again, coughing a bit as he choked on his pipe smoke. "I'm more wary than I am relieved. Knowing you, there's bound to be something nasty in store just around the corner. First it was the Aviary. Not an hour later, it was vandalizing public property. What will it be next? Burning down the Academy? Storming the ANBU headquarters?"

"Geez, you make me sound worse than Naruto..." I complained. Those weren't scheduled for a while yet...

"Naruto's a handful, but at least I know what to expect." I stared at him flatly until he admitted the key point, "Most of the time..."

"...Right," I replied dubiously. "Well, I guess I'm going to get right down to it then. In addition to dealing with the issue of your prodigiously deviant offspring, I have one more request."

His face took on a watchful look, and he replied warily, "...What is it?"

I grinned.

"On the condition of my graduation...I want Akimichi Chouza to be my sensei."

Yangetsu was beyond sore when he came to. He was in miserable, torturous agony, every time the one carrying him jostled—purposely, no doubt—with the uneven dips and ruts in the old back road they'd decided to traverse. It was all he could do not to howl like a wounded dog every time his injuries were agitated (on purpose!) but he clenched his jaw tightly and didn't let a single sound—not a single whisper of weakness—passed his chapped lips. He wouldn't give the traitorous bastard the satisfaction.

As it was, he was most certainly in pain, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage. Nothing felt majorly broken besides maybe a couple of cracked ribs from that freaky-haired Konoha jounin, and he'd had worse before. Nothing vital, otherwise he woulda been long dead by this point. However, there had been no attempt to dress the injury, or prevent infection—no doubt courtesy of Hangetsu the devil. They didn't call him that for no reason. And he might've looked like, even acted like an angel some of the time, but Yangetsu knew the truth about his brother. Hangetsu had long been enthralled in a rather vile and perverse love affair with pain. Sexual preference be damned—this was on a whole other level of unnatural.

Hangetsu had always been that way. He took to Shinobi life like bread took to butter, like a fish took to water, and he'd been swimming with the sharks like he owned the entire ocean ever since. Yangetsu...was very different from Hangetsu. Their father had always made that painfully apparent...

His brother hadn't seemed to notice he was awake. Though any chance of escape would have to wait until they stopped, or until Hangetsu's canteen ran out. Yangetsu smirked at the memory. Hangetsu looked like a dried up rason the last time that happened. It was hilarious. The drawback was one of the major reasons he was thankful that he took more after his father's genes, though it was inevitably seen as a flaw in his eyes. Yangetsu didn't care. He'd seen his dad fight, and that meant he was perfectly capable of being just as powerful without the help of a Bloodline like Haku nee-chan, or the stupid hydrification technique Hangetsu was so proud of. None of it mattered. What mattered was completing the mission.

Unbidden, the voice of the freaky-haired jounin called back to them. "Alright kiddies. Time to set up camp. Split up and report back if you find a good spot. Hangetsu-kun? Tazuna-san? You're with me."

"Hey, hey, Sasuke! You jerkface!" The obnoxious blonde shouted deafeningly to his indifferent teammate with an obvious challenge. "I'll find a campsite and be back sooner than you can wipe your smelly ass!"

It was the same thing over, and over, and over... like clockwork. First, the raging tactless idiot, Naruto, would initiate a contest of sorts with the emotionally useless idiot, Sasuke.

"NARUTO!" WHAM! And then the hormonal female idiot, Yangetsu hadn't caught her name yet, would retaliate in place of the object of her admiration—usually with violence. "Sasuke-kun doesn't smell!" And threats of more. "Keep it up, and I'll personally show you what it's like to have your head shoved—"

He tuned the rest of it out. Despite the part of the berserk killer he played in Hangetsu's act—designed to distract and mislead opponents—being the polar opposite of his older brother, Yangetsu didn't particularly enjoy partaking in mindless acts of violence or pointless slaughter, and normally made a point to remove himself from the situation if at all possible. Though with these three...he really felt like making an exception, if only to shut them up.

The Sasuke kid didn't really hold much of Yangetsu's interest, other than the fact that he was obviously cut from completely different stuff than his teammates. And the jounin was well...a jounin. But Yangetsu had taken on jounin level Shinobi before and won. So this one was obviously either a cut above what was considered normal...or all the other jounin Yangetsu had faced were pussies... Maybe he'd been running on pure luck until now. He couldn't exactly say he hadn't gotten out of some of those fights by the skin of his teeth. But still, he'd never felt so outclassed by an opponent that wasn't related to him, or Haku-nee-chan. And as he gritted his teeth against the pain, cursing the jounin, among all the things he blamed for landing him in the place he was now—slung over Hangetsu's shoulder like a dead animal—a somewhat terrifying thought occurred to him... What if all Konoha jounin were freaks of nature?

The girl came back first, leading them to a campsite not too far from a babbling stream. At which point Hangetsu dropped him unceremoniously and stretched with a nonchalant air about him, heading off and speaking through a yawn, "Well, that's where I'll be. Anyone else need their canteens filled?"

"...Not by you," the girl muttered under her breath. Yangetsu could only hear her because she was standing not too far from him, and couldn't help thinking that it was the first intelligent thing she'd said thus far.

The jounin on the other hand, seemed far too polite in contrast. "No thank you, Hangetsu-kun. Though it was very nice of you to offer."

The boy yawned again. "Suit yourself. Keep an eye on that. If he wakes up, hit him a couple of times until he's out cold again." He nodded to the girl with a false smile of confidence. "You're pretty good at that, Sakura-chan. I'm trusting ya~"

Yangetsu could hear her muttering all the violent things she wished she could do to the condescending bastard, and made a note that she may have had a split personality, though he wasn't sure which one was the real one...which made him nervous. He heard her walk over to him while the jounin spoke with the old man, and was surprised to feel a gentle hand on his forehead. "...Hey. I know you're awake."

His eyes snapped open and regarded her warily. "...Are you going to hit me?"

"No…" He didn't believe her. "But only because I don't want to listen to that jerk…" She scowled, but her eyes moved to examine his hurt shoulder and she pointed out, "Besides, you're already injured..."

Yangetsu tried to play on her sympathies, and maybe their shared dislike for his brother. "Ya know what would really piss him off…? Patching me up. The only reason he hasn't yet is because he gets sadistic pleasure out of it."

"That's sick!" she hissed.

"It is," he agreed with a frown. "At least I follow my mission. I honor my shinobi way. The same can't be said for Hangetsu. Ya never know what he'll do… He can't be trusted."

She frowned. "Well...he does have one thing right. And I don't have any reason to lie to you about it. Hanako-san is alive."

"Heh…" His laugh sounded like a cough, and carried more than a little skepticism. "Ya know what? Even if you were telling the truth, Hangetsu is the last person to act all sentimental about it… He's got another agenda. I'm sure of it."

She sent a somewhat disgusted look towards where the other boy had disappeared, but didn't exactly seem surprised. "Just what kind of...'agenda'...do you think he's got?"

Yangetsu scowled. "He hated Mom. Mission be damned… I don't know what he's planning, but whatever it is...it ain't going to be good. If I were you, I…" He eyed her properly for the first time, and had to stare for a second before schooling his features, but rethinking the cruel words he had been about to say. "...I wouldn't sleep until I had a surefire method of getting the hell outta here. Seriously. If ya get the chance...run. You don't wanna be here when the shit hits the fan."

She frowned, as if offended for a second, but after a moment seemed to realize the piece of advice for what it was. She then grumbled out, "...We're enemies. Why are you being nice to me?"

"Well," he explained, "right now, I can't move... I'm at your mercy, Sakura-chan." The corner of his lips upturned in his signature charmful grin. "...You're also the prettiest girl I've ever seen. I don't care about the others, but I'd be really pissed off if you got killed because of that guy… Hey...maybe if you untie me, we could—"

BAM! And just like that, he knew what it was like to be that poor Naruto kid. "Don't even try to get fresh with me, you...you…" Her face was bright blush red. "...you—IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN, OKAY?!"

He groaned weakly from where his head had collided with the ground. A good sized lump had joined his other injuries. "...I was only gonna ask if you wanted to help me murder him in his sleep."

She glowered at him, her face still burning and her fist, trembling, as if it was still itching to hit something. For a horrible second, a somewhat terrifying image of his mother ghosted over the girl and Yangetsu felt his skin go a little pale. The similarity was sort of eerie.

"Mah, Sakura-kun…" her sensei called over lazily. "Stop abusing the prisoner. There are rules about that sort of thing."

She sent an anxious look back over her shoulder at the jounin, but when she turned back to look down at him, her lips were curled into a disdainful scowl...and he couldn't help but think it was kind of...beautiful. She looked like she was about to hit him again, and felt a wave of...'something'—was that disappointment?—when she just stomped away across the clearing instead. He sighed heavily, but inexplicably felt hope swelling in his aching chest once again when she stomped back over after rummaging around for something in her pack… For some reason, he kept picturing her wielding a whip…or maybe chains? He didn't quite understand just why he found this thought so appealing…

But when she pulled the lapel of his vest aside, and started administering cooling, mint-scented ointment to the inflamed wound from Nuibari...he found that maybe this wasn't such a bad thought either. Her lovely pale green eyes flashed at him dangerously though—the thrill it caused as a byproduct was somewhat troubling—and she was sure to make it very clear, "I'm not doing this because I like you, okay? I'm doing it because I hate that guy."

"Oh," he replied, quick, and maybe a little bit too eager to point out, "I hate him too. We've got a lot in common—that's pretty cool, huh? What else do you hate, Sakura-cha—"

"I am not answering that," She grated out, not exactly being particularly gentle with her bandage wrapping. Yangetsu didn't really mind too much though… In fact—

His wandering thoughts of Sakura in a skintight black leather suit were unceremoniously interrupted by the chilling, and utterly cringe-worthy sound of metal screeching on metal...

Yeah... Gotta say, this is not my favorite chapter of this story.

Plus it's a week late, so I feel guilty on top of it. If I had more time, I would've tweaked with it more. And I probably will. So I'll let you guys know when that happens.

As for my beef with this chapter—holy SHIT, a wild Chouza appeared! How in the hell did he get into my story? And when did he become a pill pusher? Not that I really mind—Chouza is a beastly beast, and I sort of have a mad crush on him—but it just seemed kind of...um...random? Anyway, other issues: Ami really sucks at bullying.

Also, Yangetsu and Hangetsu...are seriously messed up.

Anyone else agree?

(In case you missed it, that was your cue.)