Dungeons and Dorks

By NukaCola101

DISCLAIMER: All characters are copyrighted by Disney/Marvel. I own nothing. I also do not own the rights to the "Dungeons and Dragons" skit by the comedy group The Dead Alewives.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was re-listening to this skit one day and the idea of the Avengers trying to teach Steve how to play D&D was just too good to pass up. Also, I know I let a spoiler be present for FFVII…but then again, the game is almost 20 years old and pretty much everyone including their grandma knows what the big "twist" is by now. Read and Review!

There were many things about the modern world that Steve Rogers didn't understand…but this was baffling! Sure, he remembered playing pretend as a child, but this, well…it was confusing as all hell!

It all started when it was movie night at the Avengers Tower. Most of the time the choice was decent and that night's movie, The Hobbit, was entertaining. As the former WWII hero was engrossed in the fantasy epic, Bruce casually mentioned that the author of the original text, J. R. R. Tolkien, inspired the men who created the game Dungeons & Dragons. When Steve asked just what exactly the game was about, the scientist's face lit up with joy.

"If you like this movie, just wait until you play D&D!" he said. Tony and Clint groaned at Bruce's enthusiasm.

"What's with the annoyed expressions?" Steve asked his displeased team mates.

"If you enjoy mindless number crunching and poor execution, then Dungeons & Dragons is for you!" Clint stated.

"And don't get me started when Bruce is the 'Dungeon Master'; he turns into a control freak." Tony complained.

Steve just looked even more confused. Bruce then decided that the next game night was going to be a Dungeons and Dragons night. Despite their earlier protests, Tony and Clint complied, eager to prove to Steve just how much the game was a pain to play. From the scientist, Steve learned that Dungeons and Dragons was a tabletop role-playing game that had gained popularity in the 1970s and 1980s. While it was still popular today, D&D still carried a rather "nerdy" stigma.

"I was big into it during my youth; I even still have my original rule books and equipment." Bruce told Steve as he began to dig through his boxes.

Steve saw just how happy the normally subdued man was. The soldier often worried about Bruce's resistance to others attempts to befriend him. But over the course of the team's formation, Bruce had slowly begun to open himself up to his team mates. Steve was eager to learn about the scientist's hobbies (regardless how odd they seemed).

Game Night had come and everyone gathered to play. After printing out character and DM sheets from the internet, Bruce had set up the dining room table for the men to begin their game. It took the group awhile to create their characters ("See, I told you it was mostly number crunching." Clint said to Steve), the heroes where ready to being their quest. Since he had the most experience when it came to the classic RPG, Bruce self-appointed himself to be the Dungeon Master. As the scientist was busy going over how to conduct their game, Tony got up from the table.

"I'm going into the kitchen to get some snacks. Anyone what something to eat or drink?" Everyone nodded and the billionaire went into the adjoining room.

"Tony, you want me to start the game or wait for you?"

"Go ahead Bruce; I'll be but a minute."

Bruce then cleared his throat and started to narrate the story for the game. "Golstaff, that's you Steve. You have entered a door to the north. You are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The pungent stench of mildew emanates from the west dungeon walls."

"Where are the Cheetos?" Tony called back to his friends.

"I cast a spell." Steve told Bruce.

"Where's the Mountain Dew?" "In the fridge, Tony!" the scientist yelled back.

"So, can I cast spell?" Steve asked.

"I can't find it! All I see is that Code Red crap bird boy likes and Diet Pepsi."

"Sorry Tony, the store was sold out of sperm killer." Clint said. "And Code Red is pretty tasty!"

"Bruce. Since I chose the Wizard class, I can cast any of these spells on the list?" Steve held up a piece of paper, pointing to the list scrawled in his handwriting.

"Yup, as long as they are Level 1."

Tony popped his head through the entrance way to the kitchen. "Since all we have is Code Red and Diet Pepsi." He gave Clint a dirty look. "Does anyone want something else to drink? Bruce, am I in the make-believe dungeon or not?"

"No, not yet." Bruce told Tony. Steve skimmed through the list of spells and made a decision. "I'm going to cast…Magic Missile."

Clint watched as Steve rolled one of Bruce's many-sided dice on the table and it landed on the number ten. "Ten. So, do I multiply ten by the base damage points?"

"Steve, I have no friggin' clue. The confusing math is the reason I stick to video game RPGs."

"Wait! Why did you cast Magic Missile?" Bruce pondered.

"I…I'm attacking the darkness?" Steve replied, unsure if his actions where correct. Tony chuckled as Clint shook his head in disgust.

"Fine, fine. You attack the darkness." Bruce said in slight annoyance. "There is a Ranger in front of you."

"That would be yours truly." Clint told Steve.

"No big shocker on why you chose that class, Legolas." Tony quipped and turned back into the kitchen to grab the drinks and food.

"Well, you picking the Fighter class was pretty predictable!" Clint called back to Tony.

"Can we please just get through the game? I really don't need the both of you to turn this into a competition." Bruce sighed; Tony and Clint often let their respected egos run a muck when it was game night.

"Sorry. Please continue, Grand Dungeon Master." The archer sarcastically jested.

"OK, you two can talk to each other, if you want." Bruce instructed.

"Hello, and who is your character?" Steve asked Clint. "That's not how it goes." Bruce muttered.

"I am Lucky, a Wood Elf Ranger proficient in the art of archery."

"Really Clint? Why did you name your character after your dog?"

"Hey, I don't judge you on your naming choices, Green Scar the Cleric." Clint spat at Bruce. "At least my character's name is more creative than the both of yours." Steve mused.

"See, this is why I hate it when Bruce is DM: the control freak in him is starting to show!" Tony yelled from the other room.

"Enough!" Bruce sternly raised his voice. Everyone fell silent, afraid if the scientist was going to let the Other Guy emerge. Instead, Bruce took a deep, relaxing breathe. "Let's continue, shall we? Suddenly, a group of ogres surround you."

"Whoa, time out! I had cast a Ward spell; those ogres shouldn't have jumped us."

"Clint, you never said anything before we started the game."

"Bruce, did I see any of this?" Tony asked. "No, you're." Bruce eyed his DM sheet and let out an exasperated sigh. "Getting drunk at the tavern…no surprise there." He mumbled afterwards. "Sweet!" Tony cheered.

"I did too say I cast a Ward spell. I wrote it on the DM sheet when we passed it around." Clint pointed to the paper in the scientist's hand.

"But you have to announce your spell at the start of the game." Bruce explained to the archer.

"Hey, can one of you roll the dice to see if I'm plastered?"

"I will." Steve said to Tony and did. "It landed on twenty-three. Now, do I add or subtract the number of points Tony has in his HP column to see how intoxicated he is?"

"You're joking, right?" Bruce was serious. "Isn't that how you play the game?" Steve said.

"Hey Tony! You're wasted!" Clint shouted toward the kitchen; Steve was still puzzled over the rules.

"Are there any girls there?"

"Whatever floats your boat, Stark." Clint then turned his attention back to Bruce and Steve. "Anyway, who cares about some stupid spell."

"Alright, then how does your party attack the ogres?"

"Ogres? Man, I got an Ogre Slaying Dagger; it deals nine plus damage against those bastards!"

"You're not in the dungeon, you're getting drunk!" Bruce's patients was wearing thin at how quickly the group's game of D&D was going downhill.

"Fine, but if there are any girls there, I wanna do them!" Tony Stark, forever the playboy.

"OK, that's it! Game Over!" Clint threw his hands up in the air as a sign he quit. "Come on Steve, I'll show you a real RPG."

"What is it?" "Final Fantasy." Clint responded.

"That's a video game, right?"

"One of the best."

"So which one are you going to pick?" Bruce was glad the archer called an end of the disastrous table top fantasy game. "Final Fantasy IV, duh! That game is the best entry in my opinion." Clint commented.

"At least it isn't VII." "Why not VII?' Steve was surprised that the video game franchise had so many titles and was curious about why the seventh entry wasn't chosen.

"Uh…" Bruce hesitated, not wanting to show a possible spoiler for the game.

"Allow me. Hey Tony, get in here." Clint called to the billionaire and he promptly came.

"What's up?" "Final Fantasy VII."

Suddenly, Tony became teary eyed. "Aerith, why did you have to die?!"

Steve's own expression on his face was in shock over his friend's hysterical sad display. "It was that bad?!"

"Just be lucky I don't have 'Aerith's Theme' playing in the background." Clint said. Tony heard the archer and started to become even more morose.

Steve made a mental note to never be asked to play any RPG (table top or video game) with any of this team mates…ever.