The Legend of Mister Hero

In which Ravio is much more expensive and Link is conveniently super flexible.

Link detached himself from the wall with a sigh, having returned from the Turtle Rock in Lorule. To get to the next dungeon however, he needed the Fire Rod. If the next one was to be anything like the previous, he couldn't just rent items from Ravio. He'd need to buy them. He had three thousand rupees at the ready for the Fire Rod anyway, and was making his way back home. He would've called for Irene's broom to fly him there, but he decided that getting more rupees on the way wouldn't hurt his wallet. He defeated a few Octorok and Soldiers as he collected the green and blue gems. He then came upon a red rupee amongst a line of greens. Without a second thought, he went to pick them up, thinking himself lucky that there'd be a red rupee just lying around.

Or not.

Before he even bent down to pick up the crimson stone, a Like Like emerged from the ground, swallowing Link! The boy yelped, struggling with all his might to get out of the trap. He wasn't being harmed much, but the decreasing weight of his wallet was injury enough. With a loud cry, Link forced himself out of the slimy beast, falling to the ground. His sword was back in his hand in less than a second, and he slashed at the Like Like with a mighty fury, trying to reclaim his stolen money. It was futile though, they were all already digested with no way to could get them back. Yet, once the enemy was defeated, a shiny green rupee appeared from the smoke where it disintegrated.

Link scowled, picking up the green rupee and shoving it in his wallet. He jogged the rest of the way to his house without any trouble.

"A warm welcome, Mister Hero!" Ravio greeted, Sheerow hovering by his side. His mask covered his distasteful expression at the state and smell of the hero. Link just smiled at the merchant and walked over to the Fire Rod on display. "Ah, the Fire Rod!" Ravio chirped. "The rental price is two thousand rupees, and the buying price is five thousand."

Link reached into his wallet before he froze. "F-fi- Five thousand?!" He screeched. "It was three thousand before!"

Ravio nodded. "It was! But after a closer inspection, I noticed that you had damaged her during your last rental. So I had to increase the price!"

"Surely the price would go down?"

Ravio shrugged. "You're going to buy it anyway, even if I raised the price to ten thousand. Which maybe I should..."

"N-no! No. Look... it's fine..." Link rummaged through his wallet, before he gulped.

"Something wrong?"

Link trembled. "I only had three thousand put aside for the Fire Rod, then a Like Like came and took over half of my rupees!"

Ravio shuddered at the mention of the monster. "Oh, don't talk to me about those things! I'd rather face a hundred of those Soldiers in a dark, scary cave than have one of those things anywhere near me!"

Link chuckled. Of course, anything that threatened Ravio and his rupees would have him shaking in his scarf. Then Link sighed. "Where am I going to get five thousand rupees from? It takes long enough risking my life for scraps."

"What about that blacksmith you work for?"

"I doubt it. I've been sleeping in so much for the past few days, I'd be lucky to get even one rupee from him. Five thousand is out of the question." Ravio thought. "Please Ravio, can't you just lower the price a bit? Help me out here!"

Ravio sighed. "Well, only for you, Mister Hero, as you are my best customer! I'll sell you the Fire Rod for only... four thousand five hundred rupees."

Link started to tremble again. "You barely took anything off."

"Oh? Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind paying full price then!"

"Either way, I don't have enough money!"

"You forget that you can rent it for two thousand rupees!"

"Is there a reason why you're so overpriced?"

"Take it or leave."

Link whimpered. "I'll pay the full five thousand, okay? Just... lemme get some more rupees first."

Ravio nodded triumphantly. "There is a job offer in Kakariko that may help you out. Quick, easy money, they say!"

Link scowled. "Why don't you apply then?"

Ravio laughed. "Not my jurisdiction. But I have a feeling it'd suit you just fine!"

XOXOXOX

"Not my jurisdiction. But I have a feeling it'd suit you just fine."

Link's eye twitched, he replaying that line in his head over and over. He was in the milk bar, reading over a leaflet advertising the job offer.

"It'd suit you just fine."

What in Hyrule was that supposed to mean?! Ravio and Link didn't know each other very well, but did he really give off this sort of impression?! He couldn't have, he was just a boy at fifteen! What part of him suited this?!

Link had some suspicions about the Milk Bar. While it seemed innocent enough, selling milk along side a two man band playing music, it never felt the same passing by at night. When he rarely did happen to pass by after midnight, he would hear louder music the closer he got to it. It didn't seem to disturb the rest of the village, nor did it effect him in anyway, but he always thought it strange. He once asked Blacksmith about it, but the older man waved him off, telling him he was 'too young to understand'.

Looking at the leaflet in front of him, he understood completely.

He was at the back of the bar, in a room customers weren't allowed in. He had asked the bartender about the job and was pointed to this room, where a rather flamboyant looking man handed him this leaflet.

"But I have a feeling it'd suit you just fine."

"A... a..."

"It'd suit you..."

"Pole dancer, yes," the flamboyant man said.

"...just fine."

Link choked, shaking in embarrassment. "While you do look a little young," the flamboyant man explained. "You'll attract a new audience; maybe even please old fans. Many people have started to tire from the women prancing around on stage, so you might just be what we're looking for." He tilted Link's chin up so that they were staring face to face. "Yes, you have a good face. Although those eyebrows may have to go."

Link pulled himself back, blushing furiously while covering his eyebrows. "N-no! L-look, I'm a little d-desperate right now, b-but I don't want to do this full time! I... I just need a few thousand rupees and I-I'll be on my way."

The flamboyant man laughed. "Boy, you're asking for a lot! It's taken full time workers endless months of the same old just to earn a 'few thousand' as you say. You want to earn that in a couple of nights? Well, you're going to have to be something special!"

Link sighed. He didn't need the full five thousand. He could probably scrape a couple of thousand if he was lucky then hunt for the rest. "C-Can I please just star tonight? I don't actually need too much."

The flamboyant man rolled his eyes. "Okay, sure." He looked outside of the window, seeing that the sun was setting. "Follow me backstage. We'll get you all pampered up."

XOXOXOX

It was past midnight, and for once, Link was wide awake. His nerves were keeping him awake, as well as the uncomfortable feeling he had of what state he was in. He was in white tights and a frilly green shirt that had the lowest v-neck he'd ever seen. It had might as well be called a v-stomach. This meant that practically all of his chest was exposed, but his nipples were safely behind the shirt. He wore long white detached sleeves as the green top didn't have any of their own. On his neck was a black collar that had a mini green rupee on it, and his long ears had many golden clip-on earrings. As he was young, he wasn't required to strip completely nude – like some of the women do – or to show off much skin. Yet with the skin tight tights and revealing shirt, Link felt as though he was showing off everything.

What also made him uncomfortable was the sparkly, colourful make-up on his face. He would've put Yuga to shame. Once he saw himself in the mirror, he was unrecognisable. Blacks and greens and pinks decorated his face, his eyes bolder by the black paint outlining them, his lips more noticeable by a light pink colour coating them. Small jewels were used to adorn the swirls of make-up on his face, and they sparkled relentlessly in certain lights and angles. And his hair...

The stylists kept his long sideburns, but one half of his fringe was greased, covering one eye, giving him a mysterious – and quite seductive – look. The rest was slicked back, and he was given lime green extensions that was tied into a ponytail, so it looked as if his auburn hair suddenly switched to green. Oh, and of course, the ponytail sparkled.

Link sat backstage, watching the women flawlessly go through their routine in front of a hungry crowd. It was mostly men, but Link was surprised to see the occasional lady in the audience, seemingly enjoying the show just as much. Link looked down at himself. Of course he looked feminine, but he knew there was no way that he could prance around the pole without anybody noticing his bulge, especially all the men who stood right in front of the stage, some reaching out their hands just to be able to touch the dancers. Many dancing ladies teased the men by going closer to them before quickly moving away, while others ignored them.

As he was watching, Link was fascinated by how the professional dancers moved and bent and spun all on one static pole. He didn't watch them too much or too closely though, as the last thing he needed was to dance with an evident and aching hard on. He also watched the men throwing rupees up on the stage, the dancers collecting them afterwards. The flamboyant man explained that they were almost like tips, but they all got paid an actual salary.

Speaking of the flamboyant man, he appeared behind Link just as one of the performances ended. "It's your turn!" he whispered enthusiastically.

Link felt about ready to vomit. Easy money, Ravio had said. Just for him, Ravio had said. Five thousand rupees, Ravio had said.

The things Link does to save two worlds.

The flamboyant man went on stage, Link standing, feeling his legs and whole body shake. "And now, introducing a new face, I want to proudly present all of you to: Mister Hero!"

Mister Hero? That was his stripper name? But he was in no place to argue, so slowly walked out on stage when the flamboyant man left it. The crowd stared at him, watching his every movement. Link grabbed hold of the steel pole with one hand, leaning against it for support. He felt as if he were going to collapse from the pressure and embarrassment.

The band at the back of the stage started playing a rather slow, heavy tune. The lights dimmed, a spotlight shone on the teenage hero.

As the singers began singing, Link sucked up all his courage, took a firm grip of the pole, and launched himself into a spin. He'd seen how the other dancers had done the same, so decided to imitate their moves as he had none of his own.

His ponytail whipped around him, shining in the given light. He sunk to the ground, sticking out his crotch while moving his hips. His eyes were closed, as he had no idea where to look otherwise. His face burnt, he ashamed of himself, although he doubted that anyone in the audience knew who he was. Still the audience remained silent, only the sound of the band playing in the background audible. Mister Hero was up again, arching his back as he went around the pole. He soon stopped, easily climbing up the metal and wrapping his legs around it, spinning all the while. His legs crossed and supporting him, he leant his upper body back, his hands trailing the skin of his chest that was showing.

Although the crowd was silent, that only made it easier for Link to block them out completely, he gaining more confidence each minute that passed. He showed off his flexibility that many would be surprised he even had as he went upside down, doing the splits in the air. He showed off his upper body strength that wouldn't be expected of someone with such a scrawny figure, holding himself horizontal and lifting his legs up above him. He showed his creativity, stringing together a routine from thin air, yet not once did he stutter or stop. He knew what had worked well for the women before him, and used that to his advantage.

But Link also showed something not even he knew he processed; his ability to be sensual. He rubbed his groin against the pole as he slid down it, licked the metal, and even gave the audience a full view of his barely clothed ass, swinging and shaking it in time to the beat of the song.

As the song ended, Link perfectly timed spinning to the ground, he curled around the base of the metal beam. The horde remained silent, even as the main lights turned on. Link sat up, for the first time looking at the people with open eyes. Although they didn't say anything, they didn't look disappointed. And that's when it hit him. A sudden burst of cheers and a parade of rupees filled the air. Link blushed, but stared in awe and wonder at the tips he was being given. Red, purple, silver. Someone backstage had thrown his hat at him, he using the piece of clothing to collect his prize.

Unlike the ladies before him, not only a certain few customers gave money to him. Literally everybody he looked at was fishing into their pockets. He didn't realize how rich people were! His hat was stuffed full of rupees, yet there were still more coming. A cheeky audience member slipped a red rupee in the hem of his tights, causing him to flush even more. Other men caught on and decided to do the same, so it looked like Link had a belt of multicoloured gems. With that, a full hat and a handful of money, Link took a quick bow and scurried off the stage into the back. There, he was met in the embrace of the flamboyant man.

"You were amazing!" he exclaimed. "I haven't seen quite a reaction like that since I first started this business! I didn't think you had it in you, boy!"

Other admiring dancers circled around him, cooing and complimenting him. Others stood back, glaring in envy. "Don't mind them," one tall lady whispered to him. "They just don't get as much reaction because they're becoming old hags."

"Having a cute little boy on our team would be so cool!" another, younger, dancer cheered, hugging Link from behind. "Can we keep him? Please?"

Link squirmed, freeing himself from her grip. "Ah no. I-I'm not staying."

A chorus of disappointed 'awws' followed. "Why not?"

"I-I... I'm really busy at the moment with other work!" Link bowed. "But thank you. Thank you for having me!"

The flamboyant man smiled and nodded. "Remember, any time you want to come back, you're most welcome."

"You can't just let him go!" one of the dancers whined.

"Make him stay!" another joined.

The flamboyant man just laughed, walking Link into the dressing room. He took all of Link's rupees and put them in a separate bag, along with an extra tip of his own. Mister Hero was made down, his face scrubbed of all the make-up and jewels, he parting from the tight clothes and accessories, until the normal Link was the person in his reflection. He stared at his reflection long enough for the flamboyant man to notice. He chuckled, getting Link's attention. "Yes, it's like another part of you is gone, isn't it? That's what many of the other girls describe it as." He sat down next to the hero. "Many people frown upon the work we do, but it's not that bad, as you experienced. Once you have a taste, it's hard to just put it behind you. You're just entertaining people and making them happy, and you saw many of the girls, right? They were also having fun just being themselves." Link was handed his sack of rupees, he surprised at the weight.

"Mister Hero," the flamboyant man said, as if saying the name for the first time. "It suits you. You were our hero – for tonight, at least. The boy who suggested the name was right about you."

"Boy?" Link murmured. The flamboyant man stood up, leading Link through two doors that took him into the bar. He was afraid to go out after so soon, but nobody turned to face him as they walked past. When some people did, they only looked up the his temporary escort, the man getting smiles and thanks. Of course, he was totally unrecognisable as Mister Hero.

The flamboyant man waved Link off, smiling at him when they got to the exit of the bar. Link smiled meekly, the door being closed in his face.

The boy let out a deep breath, having almost no energy to carry the sack in his hands. A sudden wave of tiredness hit him, his nervousness and excitement dying down. However, he jumped in the air when he felt a hand on his shoulder, facing whatever foe was behind him. "It's only me, Mister Hero!" the rough voice of Ravio said through the big purple hood, the familiar white bird perched on the top. Even through the hood, Link could sense the gleam in Ravio's eyes when he looked down at the bag full of Rupees. "Oh, and is that for me?"

"Not all of it," Link said, clutching the bag. "We'll count it when we get home."

Ravio and Sheerow followed the green clad hero on the walk back to his house. "So?" Ravio said. Link looked at him in confusion. "The job? It was good then?"

Link blushed, first of embarrassment, then of fury. "What did you mean when you said it suited me?" he snapped. "Do I look like that sort of person to you?"

Ravio laughed, Sheerow chirping happily. "Well, no. It was to rile you up! I didn't actually think that you'd go for it! Though I'm sure many people were glad you did, Mister Hero."

Link gasped, pointing at the merchant. "It was you! Y-you tipped that guy off! You suggested that stripper name for me!"

Ravio laughed. "I have to say, Mister Hero. I didn't think you'd be so flexible! You gave us quite a shock!" He patted his pet.

"Y... you watched?!"

"Of course! I wanted to support you! I almost didn't recognise you. But if you looked real close, then you could see that... Hey, what are you doing back there?" Link had stopped walking, his head lowered. "What, all that dancing hurt your legs or something?" Link dropped to his knees, crying into his hands. "H-hey! What's all this about?!"

"I can't get married any more..." Link sobbed.

XOXOXOX

The next day, Link bought the Fire Rod from Ravio at a discount price of four thousand rupees. Before departing to Lorule, Link headed over to Kakariko Village for a top up of milk. He entered the Milk Bar, glad to see it returned to normal – minimum amount of people, with only a band of two playing light music in the background. Link bought a bottle of milk from the bartender, and was about to leave when talk from the table of soldiers caught him off.

"... moved like a pro!" one of them was saying. "You guys should've seen it!"

"Maybe he'll be back again tonight! You guys should definitely come along!"

"I dunno... we haven't been hearing much on Princess Zelda..."

"You're always so caught up with work! When was the last time you took some time out for yourself? Just join us tonight! That's all we ask!"

"You just gotta see this Hero guy with your own eyes!"

Link froze, his cheeks burning. They were talking about him! He looked over at them, surprised that the soldiers were also looking at him. "Hey kid, stop eavesdropping!" one of them barked. "This isn't for the ears of youngsters."

Link ran out of the bar, blushing as he laughed to himself. If only they knew. But he was glad they didn't. Then he had a sudden thought. Some of the soldiers wouldn't be seeing Mister Hero, because Mister Hero had had an early retirement.

"Remember, any time you want to come back, you're most welcome."

A smile spread across Link's face. He could spend a dozen or so hours in Lorule. Then he'd quickly come back. Mister Hero wouldn't like to disappoint fans.

END.

I dub this the Stripper-rific AU, although Mister Hero hasn't done any stripping... yet. A few notes from me:

The whole concept for this was based off the picture and description of The Legend of Zelda Ballet by yuni on devianTART. I would put a link here, but... I obviously can't...
I've done a second part to this and am currently working on a third, but the second part will have to be thoroughly revised because I wrote it in a rush and half tired, plus it's like three times the length of this chapter. -_- So much work! Oh, and I hoped you liked Ravio in this chapter, because he's not coming back. (I miss him so much...)
And because Hyrule is so small in ALBW, I had to increase the scale for everything, which is how the Milk Bar has a backstage and a hidden stage (and why Ravio is so damn EXPENSIVE). I also increased the population, because Hyrule is a kingdom for Goddesses sake!

Thanks for reading!