(A/N: haven't had time to read through this so sorry for spelling/grammar/just plain awful writing. If I hadn't posted it now, you'll have had to have wait for about a month so... win some, lose some. Enjoy! Don't forget to make my day and leave a review :) )

Castiel was in the kitchen unpacking the food and house hold goods he'd bought from town. He hummed to himself lowly as he did so. It was a habit he'd picked up when he turned human. Without the stillness he gleaned from his grace, he found himself becoming more and more restless. He was bending down to put bleach in the cupboard under the sink when he heard the front door slam. He started to stand up when he felt hands on his hips. For a split second they were gentle and then he was being roughly spun around and shoved him against the counter. He looked rather startled at Dean, whose eyes were blood shot and eyebrows knitted together.

"Dean, what-" His words were cut off by Dean's lips pressing hard against his own, kissing him desperately. Cas kissed him back, not sure where this all was coming from. After a few more moments he pulled back, stroking the side of his face and then gripping the side of his neck gently as he looked into his eyes. "Dean, what's happened?"

Dean shook his head out of his grasp, pulling Castiel tightly against him and kissing his neck. Cas squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the little shivers of pleasure Dean's lips gave him.

"Dean, talk to me!" He tried to push on his shoulders, but Dean reached his weak spot. It was the small patch of skin just below his earlobe were his jaw met his neck. Dean bit there teasingly and Cas felt himself melt again him. He moaned softly and involuntarily, regretting instantly what he was going to have to do.

"Stop it, Dean." He shoved him hard, letting him know he meant business. Dean gave him some space, still holding onto his hips but not making any more moves. "What's happened?"

Dean exhaled slowly, his breathing haggard. "I… I've got to take the mark back…"

Cas looked at him in horror and disbelief, but he wasn't done.

"But I'm not worthy of it anymore… so I… have to become worthy." He swallowed, looking at him. His eyes more bloodshot than before.

"…what does that mean?"

"I'm going to make a deal to turn me into a demon and then I'm going to get the mark off Crowley, find the blade and kill Cain."

Cas stepped out of his arms, tensing and loosening his jaw angrily as he walked from Dean, his head was spinning. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, he wouldn't believe it. He felt sick and dizzy, yet so alert he almost felt like he did when his stolen grace was still intact. "Isn't there… another way?"

Dean sighed, rubbing his stubble harshly. "No… not without putting you and Sam in danger and I'm not going to do that. Not again."

Cas looked at him suddenly, guilt washing over him. He was Dean's weakness now. "I can't lose you, Dean."

He looked at him, meeting his broken stare with a forced yet strangely genuine smile. "I'm not going anywhere. Not while I've got my angel around."

It took a moment for Castiel to realised he was talking about him. He wasn't sure why, but his words unsettled him instead of comforting like they were supposed to. Dean walked over to him, taking hold of his waist more gently now. "It's going to be okay… I know what to expect this time."

Cas looked down and frowned. He still wasn't comforted. Dean saw that in his eyes and sighed, running his fingers through his hair and looking around desperately, as if an answer would just drop into his lap.

"How long have you got?" Castiel asked quietly.

Dean paused. Should he just get it over with? Or should he give them some time to adjust to the idea. An idea popped into his head, it might make it easier for all of them. "Three days…"

The silence continued for a long time. They stood there, looking at each other. The silent conversations they were so used to passing between them. After a moment, Dean shivered slightly.

"I… I feel dirty. I'm going to grab a shower."

Castiel just nodded, not sure what to say.

"You want to join me?"

There was another brief pause and then Cas was walking past him and up the stairs, tugging his hoodie off his shoulders as he went. As soon as Dean realised that that was a yes, he jogged after him, unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

Sam came home a few hours later, his hair wind swept and his cheeks tinted crimson with embarrassment. Dean and Castiel were sitting in the kitchen talking in hushed whispers, when they saw Sam come in Dean hissed angrily at Cas who returned with another angry hiss. These were loud enough for Sam to pick up.

"What aren't you going to tell me, Dean?" Sam folded his arms as he narrowed his eyes at his brother.

Dean sighed heavily. "I… I bumped into Cain."

It took a moment for Sam to register this. He cleared his throat and joined them at the table. "As in Cain and Abel, as in the mark of Cain, as in the jerk that got you hooked on the first blade which meant you almost killed Cas… twice."

Dean flinched noticeably at that, by Cas rested his hand on his knee supportively which relaxed him again. He knew he couldn't keep feeling guilty for things he couldn't change. He'd been doing it all this life, and everything that happened to him because of the blade taught him that shit happens and he isn't some superhero that always gets everything right. He wasn't a hero. He was a man.

"Yes that Cain."

"What did he want?"

"He wants me to kill him…"

"Good."

"Sam, it's not that simple. I need the mark to kill him… I need the first blade."

There was a pause.

"Fuck that."

"Sammy!" Dean was shocked.

"What? No way am I letting you take that mark back, no way, Dean!" Sam's voice raised in defiance. He was not putting his brother back in the firing line, never again. "We'll find another way."

"If I don't kill him in three days… you and Cas are going to be on his 'to kill' list. I'm doing this, Sam. Trust me, okay?" He looked at him pleadingly.

Sam didn't like this, he didn't like it at all. The little voice of reason in his head told him that Dean wasn't alone this time. This time he had the both of them to help him through it. Dean was strong really, and Sam believed he could keep control. He believed in him.

"Okay." Sam nodded, sighing. "Okay, I trust you. When are we going to say hi to Crowley?"

Castiel spoke up finally. "Not yet."

Dean frowned at him.

"Last three days human, Dean. We should do something."

Then it suddenly hit Dean. He was going to be a demon again. Somehow the lack of the mark, being stabbed by the blade and then healed by an angel had made him human again. But attaching himself to the two meant he would have to become a demon again. Not only that, but he wouldn't die or age… and Castiel would. Castiel would grow old and fade away, but Dean would remain, forever. He swallowed the thick lump in his throat and blinked away the tinging in his eyes. He felt an arm around his shoulder and looked up. Castiel's blue eyes were turned on him, he smiled softly, knowingly. Dean fell against him, burying his head in his shoulder and breathing in the scent of heather and fresh rain that he always seemed to have. He never wanted to leave this spot, right there in his arms. Sam rubbed his back gently and they just stayed like that for some time. Dean eventually got a hold of himself, though he hadn't let himself cry. He wouldn't. There would be no tears from Dean Winchester because he hadn't lost anything yet. Not yet.

"I still want to go fishing."

Sam laughed slightly. "Okay, Dean. We'll go fishing."

So they went fishing. There was a lake outside of town that was partly secluded by pine trees. The water was cold and so clear it was a mirror of the world around it. It looked like someone had copied the world and reversed it below the real one. The three of them sat up the water's edge in silence, Dean and Sam with beer at their feet, Cas had a lemonade. Still lemonade, he still hadn't gotten used to the bubbles in carbonated drinks, he said they unsettled him. They spoke of little things, like birthdays and hunting trips that stuck in their heads for reasons other than failure or loss. They stayed there for hours, laughing so loudly that all the fish were scared away and none of them caught a single one. But it didn't matter, they were together and they were happy. Cain was almost forgotten as the members of Team Free Will spoke of better times and made like of the worse. Sam watched his brother and Castiel exchange smiles and the occasion arm touch and hand squeeze and just found himself smiling. He had seen it coming, but feared Dean would never be able to just let himself feel what he so obviously had for Cas. He'd also feared that Castiel would never say anything, partly because he might have not understood what love was. Of all human emotions, love was by far the most complicated. But he the other part was the fact he may have never realised Dean felt the same way at all. For all the happiness it had brought Dean, Sam was almost grateful to Cain and his mark and blade… almost.

The sun was setting and Sam was putting the things away in the boot of the Impala. Castiel lay back on his elbows, with Dean's head on his chest while they looked out at the lake. Castiel closed his eyes, inhaling deeply the scent of Dean's shampoo and that smell he just always seemed to have. It smelled like desert air and old leather and something that was just so Dean, he didn't think he existed anywhere else. Castiel opened his eyes again and looked down at the man who was laying against him. The burnt orange light giving his green eyes an amber tint to them.

"Why can't we just stay here?" Dean said quietly.

Castiel sat up slightly, smoothing his hair because he couldn't find the words to comfort him.

"I just want to stay here, in this moment…" Dean looked at him, not having to say the words for Cas to hear them.

With you.

Castiel leaned down as Dean pushed himself up, their lips meeting midway. They clung to each other, their lips pressing hard and desperately, both thinking if they let go the other might vanish forever. Dean shivered slightly, still not used to the feel of someone else's stubble against his chin. It wasn't unpleasant, in fact he found it kind of hot. Sam cleared his throat loudly and they separated.

"You ready to go?" He called out to them.

They two just kept looking at each other. There was something in Cas' eyes that Dean recognised and it broke his heart. Fear. There was fear in his eyes.

"Yeah…"

Dean pushed himself up and then held his hand out to Cas. He took it and they went back to the car together.

That night, when Dean had fallen asleep and Sam was passed out in front of the TV in the living room, Castiel had gotten dressed and taken Dean's pick up for a drive. He drove for hours and hours until the sun started to rise. His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it. He had to.

Though it was the middle of the day, the playground was empty. Castiel walked over the damn grass towards two people sitting around a sand pit. One of them was a young girl with long blonde hair over her shoulders. She looked up as he approached and whispered something to the older woman with her. They stood up as he stopped before them and the three stood in silence for a few moments.

"Azrael… Pura…" He greeted them in turn.

"Castiel, you know you can't be here." Pura, the angel with the young girl as her vessel spoke for the pair.

"I know. But I must speak to him."

The two looked unsure.

"It's about Dean Winchester."

"Sam! Sam!"

Sam jumped awake, snorting slightly as he did so before looking around the room with wide eyes. He reached for a gun he didn't have.

"Dean?"

Dean came running into the living room, he held his phone in one hand and a slip of paper in the other. His hair was a mess from a restless night's sleep and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. "When did Cas leave?"

"What?"

Dean thrust the paper into his hands, Sam fumbled slightly but finally got it around the right way.

Written in Castiel's spindly hand writing were two words:

I'm sorry.

"Where the hell could he have gone?!"

Sam pushed himself up, grabbing Dean's shoulders supportively. "Hey, Dean. It's okay, calm down." He rubbed his shoulders slightly while his brother took deep breaths.

"You think he's gone to find Cain?" Dean's eyes went wider at the thought.

"No way. He wouldn't go without us…" Would he? A small part of Sam knew that the strong warrior of God became kind of an idiot when it came to Dean Winchester. He took stupid risks and chose paths he shouldn't walk down, always for Dean.

"Then where? Where's he gone, Sammy?!"

Castiel walked down the rows of cells, most were empty besides a choice few with huddled, shaking creatures curled up in the shadows. He heard the voice before he saw the face.

"My, my… here comes my favourite traitor…" Crowley leaned against the bars, the side of his face visible from the minimal light in Heaven's prison. His eyes had dark rings under them, his cheeks were slightly hollowed and he had a scraggly beard growing in his chin. "How's married life?"

Castiel walked straight past him, not making eye contact and not even pretending to acknowledge his existence.

"Rude." Crowley muttered and Cas heard the clinking of chains as he shuffled to the back of his cell again.

Castiel stopped in the cell next to him, turning his hard gaze into beyond the bars and meeting the small smile on the angel's smiles. Metatrons smile grew and he stood up, moving casually closer.

"Well, this is a surprise. And what would our fearless leader desire from the scribe of God?"

"I'm not leader."

"So you keep saying yet… here you are." Metatron held onto the bars, looking up at him. His curled more matted and he too had signs of unrest on his vessel's face. "Wait no, let me guess… it's for Dean Winchester?"

"I need my grace back."

There was a pause, suddenly the two cells both erupted into laughter. Metatron turned his head slightly.

"Who had two months?"

Crowley chuckled slightly. "You, I'll see what I can do about that drink."

Castiel gritted his teeth, his anger bubbling. "Metatron!"

The scribe turned back to him sharply, something like surprise on his face. "Yes, Castiel?"

"My grace. I need it."

"You know that's not possible."

"Yeah, what's the sudden interest in getting your wings back, giraffe?" Crowley leaned against the wall, smirking to himself. "Being human not enough for you and Dean anymore? Does he had a thing for feathers?"

Castiel ignored him and Crowley shifted again, looking in his general direction. "Unless of course… Old squirrel isn't ticking 'human' on his census form either." He laughed again. "Once and addict, always an addict."

"You're one to talk, Crowley." Castiel spat bitterly.

"Yes, but my addiction was forced upon my by your moose in law, remember?"

Castiel decided he should just keep ignoring him. Nothing good ever came from talking to Crowley. Metatron had been watching his for a while and he sighed dramatically.

"Alright, Castiel… there might be a spell you can try, BUT! I want something in return."

He didn't want to ask, he really didn't. "Which is?"

"When you're done with the book… I want it."

"What book?" he frowned.

"Raziel's book…"

The entire prison seemed to go still, like someone had pressed pause.

"No." Castiel said defiantly.

"Well then, I won't tell you where to find it and I guess you'll just have to stay human. Give my love to the Winchesters."

Castiel couldn't believe what he was about to say. But he had to have his grace back, Dean had said so himself. They needed an angel. "Alright… you can have it. But you have to read it under supervision of angels I choose."

Metatron considered this and then nodded. "Seems fair." He held his hand out towards him through the bars. After a moment Castiel took it and they shook hands.

"Where's the book?"

"St. Catherine's Monastery… Egypt. I'm sure an angel can give you a lift."