Making friends does not come naturally to me. I don't mean to surround myself in such a reclusive bubble, but I have always been this way. No matter how many years pass by and new school semesters begin, I have never had more than a handful of friends. But lately its gotten to the point where I am losing the very few friends I have tried to keep. Even the ones I have known since middle school, the ones I thought I could trust my life with, are gradually slipping through my fingers.

I guess its because I like being alone. This sophomore year, I've sat at a table by myself every single day so far. Although my friends have the same lunch as me, I never bother to sit with them. Other kind students ask me to join them at their tables, and I used to accept their offers with gratitude, but whenever I joined them they would just completely ignore me until the bell rang. The whole situation made me feel uncomfortable and out of place so, after a while, I started to appreciate the loneliness.

I believe that's when I decided to push my "friends" away. I talked to them less and less until I only briefly shared short conversations with them from time to time during school hours. I don't go out much now either. Hell, I haven't been out to a movie or birthday party with a friend since early freshman year. I just don't see the fun in committing my time to those activities anymore. Its not that I'm depressed or anything... I just enjoy having time to myself. I like to think a lot. I observe people instead of approaching them. Even when I do muster up the courage to talk to somebody, I'm a stuttering mess and I usually say something really irrational.

My dad keeps stressing to me that I need to converse with kids my age more. He even dared to claim that I'm anti social. I tell him I'm completely fine, but my words fall on deaf ears. He says I do not act like a teenager anymore, to which I question: how does a regular teen act? Like, do you want me to be really stereotypical here and go to parties and drink alcohol until I can't walk straight? Is that how my father would want his sixteen year old son to act instead?

Anyway, its not like I'm totally without friends. I actually have two wonderful friends online: Rose Lalonde and Jade Harley. They're basically on totally opposite sides of the planet, but we've known each other since we were thirteen. We are all the best of friends, and I feel like I could talk to them about anything. I just wish I knew them in real life. Its different having friends on the internet and none in reality.

I keep telling myself that I will be okay, that I chose to be a loner, but the growing emptiness in my heart tells me otherwise. Honestly, I just want the horrible feeling to go away.

0-0-0-0-0-0

The alarm's shrill buzzer blares in my ears until I slam the snooze button, grumbling incoherent curses. I sit up in bed and rub at my eyes. I'd usually just fall right back into the warm comforters until my dad would come in and toss me out of bed, but its Friday, and I always look forward to the weekends. I drag myself from an entangled blanket and get ready. My mornings are routine: take a shower, run hands through hair until presentable, slip on some simple clothes (usually just jeans and a tee shirt), and skip breakfast like I do every day. Then, I wait outside in front of my house until the little yellow shit bus comes around.

Oh, I guess I should explain about the part where I skip meals. I'll admit that I have issues with my appearance. At school, there are these perfect girls and guys that, yes, are probably all fake, but a part of my brain strives to be them. It tells me that I need to lose weight, that if I skip this meal it will make me feel better, and, in a way, it does. I do not eat during the first part of my day, which is eight hours of school. I starve myself until I come home and eat dinner. I know that's probably not a very healthy habit to get into, but its really not that big of a deal. Doing it makes me feel more satisfied with myself.

Eventually, the bus comes and I step on, throwing my stuff into the first available seat. I put in my ear buds and stare out the window. When the bus is finally loaded, the driver makes a beeline towards Derse High School. Once we arrive I step off and manage to avoid bumping into anyone. When we walk into the gym half the student population is already here, as per usual. I keep my eyes on my feet and avoid any intimidating contact with anyone as I make my way to an open spot. After that, its just filling in the extra time with little distractions until the first period bell rings.

When we are finally in class, our English teacher steps in late with a student at her side. I sift through names in my mind, but I do not recognize this particular boy. I guess he's new. Huh. New kids in Derse always get the kids gossiping. Since this is such a small, isolated town, its a bit surprising when a family decides to move here of all places. I flinch out of a daze, the sudden realization coming over me that I had been rudely gawking at the boy. He seemed to have noticed, but I can't really tell with those black aviators blocking his eyes. My face heats up in embarrassment and I inwardly berate myself for such foolishness. I lay my head down on the chilly desk and use my arms as pillows.

The teacher, Ms. Dotson, raises her voice to get the class's attention. "Everyone, before we start class, I'd like to welcome Dave Strider to our school."

Silence fills the room, and I can imagine all the other students eyes focused on Dave right now. Ms. Dotson asks him to take the open seat behind me that's been empty since the beginning of the year. I hear his footsteps closing in on me, then a small gust of air as he swoops past and plops down into the chair. I raise my head up again as Ms. Dotson begins with today's lesson on Shakespeare. While she rattles on about Julius Caesar, I entertain myself by shifting my attention to the outside world just beyond the window beside me. The sun is just now breaking over the mountains, and the way it paints the sky pinkish blue ensnares me. My concentration drifts away from the unimaginative classroom and into my own rich thoughts.

0-0-0-0-0-0

Lunch. Not much to say about it. Instead of rushing to the lines of students waiting to receive their crappy meal of the day, I settle down at my lone table and once again lay my head on my arms. I allow myself to close my eyes and welcome the sweet nothingness of sleep. I may have good grades and all that, but a good thirty minute nap in the middle of the day never hurt no one. I've never had a problem sleeping in school. Its easy to tune everyone out and take a break from consciousness for a while. I guess I must have sort of blacked out, cause' next thing I know is that someone is jostling my shoulder.

"Hey, man."

I look up at the guy, a little peeved that he woke me up instead of the lunch bell this time. Although my eyes strain against the bright light, they widen whenever I see Dave Strider, the new kid, standing behind me.

"Is this seat taken," He pointed to the seat right beside me. "Or are you reserving this whole fucking table to yourself?"

I swallowed my anxiety and mumbled "sure" just loud enough for him to hear. He nodded and sat down. I twiddled nervously with my fingers. What do people usually do in these types of situations? Like, what are we suppose to talk about? I glanced around the cafeteria, watching all the other students chatter away with one another. The room echoed with everyone's struggle to loudly talk over one another. Many of them were laughing, and even some of the other unpopular kids I know sat together at the same table. There were extra seats open, so why had Dave decided to sit with the one awkward kid pushed off to the side of the lunch room at an empty table?

"So, are you gonna ignore me or say something?" Dave said. He didn't sound irritated in the least, but it still made my heart jittery and I had trouble meeting his shaded eyes.

"Um, s-sorry." I managed, turning slightly to face him.

"Its cool, man."

More tense silence hovered over us for a few more minutes. I mentally screamed at myself: why is this so hard?

Thankfully, Dave saved me from having to say something stupid. "Do you sit here alone a lot?"

The question caught me off guard. "Yeah, every day."

I peeked at Dave and quickly averted my eyes the other way when I noticed he had stopped eating to look at me. He ran a thoughtful hand through his white blonde hair. "Why?"

I shrugged. It doesn't matter.

He sighed "I mean, are you used to being alone, or do you just wanna be alone?"

I don't think he meant the words to be very significant, but for some reason they hit home for me. I felt frustrated and sad all at once. I was fighting the onslaught of emotions and empty questions I have had for months. Why did I feel so lonely, when I was the one who isolated myself in the first place? Why do I seem to have some sort of repellent all over me that kept people away? Why does Dave fucking Strider care?

At last, I looked straight at him. Its really hard to tell what he's thinking with those glasses on. I opened and closed my mouth, trying to think of something to say, but the bell rang. I jumped up out of the seat and quickly walked to my next class, leaving Dave behind. I tried not to think about what he had said the rest of the day.

0-0-0-0-0-0

I only live about a mile away from the school, so I decided to walk home today. I absentmindedly listened to the music blasting through my ear buds. At one point my stomach growled loudly. My thoughts shifted to what I might eat for dinner when I get home. Probably just some cereal. I wonder what dad's doing at the bakery right now. He doesn't come home until around eight in the evening, so I have the house to myself most days.

I continued to keep my attention on anything besides Dave.

I looked up at the sky for help, and felt slightly unnerved to spot rain clouds in the distance. Okay, confession time. I'm scared of storms. I know, I know: I should have gotten over this ridiculous fear of mine as a toddler, but I'm still sort of fighting with this phobia at sixteen. Its not so bad when I'm surrounded by strangers in school. I usually just get really nervous and panicky. When I am home alone, I hide under a blanket or something to feel a little safer. I'm not sure when the fear developed, but I still haven't told anyone about it. I already feel dumb and silly whenever the panic hits, so it seems easier to just keep it to myself as long as I don't break down in front of anybody.

Around five, I unlocked the door to my home and stepped inside. A weight seemed to lift from my shoulders when I gazed around the familiar living room. I kicked off my shoes and stepped into the kitchen, grabbing a box of cereal and a can of mountain dew before finally ascending the stairs to my room.

At six, I had already logged onto Pesterchum and was actively talking to Jade. She told me all about her exciting day on her volcano island, and I was happy to listen to her adventures. The joy she radiated rubbed off on me a little, and I found myself smiling for the first time all day as she described some insane endeavor with her dog. The box of cereal had been set aside, half eaten.

When the clock ticked to seven, Rose also logged onto Pesterchum, but I had already shut down the computer by then. I'll have to remember to apologize tomorrow and catch back up with her. Thunder shook the gray sky outside, and I was already curled up in bed with the comforter pulled tightly around me. I thought about Dave, and I'm surprised at the weird feelings that stirred in my stomach. I squeezed my eyes shut when lightning lit up the room. As uncontrollable shivers racked my body with the next crack of thunder, I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire life.