So, you wanna write a badfic... Zutara Edition!

Note: This is a parody and it is in no way meant to be taken seriously. Unless you reeeally want to, I guess. I ain't stoppin' ya.

Hello, guys and girls and lizard people and everything in between! (But not mole people, ew, go home.) Welcome to the first and possibly only installment of my hit new series, "So, you wanna write a badfic". Whether you're a squeaky-clean new writer just dipping your toes into the shallows of fandom or a seasoned and scarred fanfiction veteran, I think we can all learn something from this helpful guide. I know you're just as excited as I am to get started so let's dive right in!

Actually, hold up. Do not enter the pool. There's one very important thing we must do before we can get started and even though it's very tempting to save this for later, I'd be remiss to do so because my brain has about the same number of cylinders firing as a ham sandwich and I WILL forget. Before we begin our sparkling new superfic, we're gonna need a title.

Now, because this is a badfic, it's crucial that our title be something vague and painfully generic. Bonus points if it's redundant.

New Beginnings

Perfect.

Now that that's taken care of, sit back, pop a ramuné, and enjoy as I demonstrate how to write THE BEST FANFIC EVER in a simple, step-by-step fashion.

Step One: Artfully turn a perfectly good and well-developed character into a Mary-Sue.

Katara sat in front of her computer—(this is a modern AU, but I didn't warn you about that in the summary)—and carefully examined the strings of binary text zipping Matrix-style across the screen. Katara was a genius programmer. (Because what she's doing is definitely programming. Hey, I'm not getting paid to do research). She'd begun writing code when she was ten years old as a way to cope with the death of her mother. (But why would she turn to programming when there are countless other methods of coping that make far more sense, you ask? Look, my job isn't to explain shit to you, it's to tell a story. Now sit the hiffle down and enjoy your crappy-ass fanfiction.) It was the only thing she enjoyed and it was what kept her going during such a dark time in her life. Her computer was her one trusted friend in an otherwise lonely existence.

Step Two: Take a crap all over your character's relationship with their family.

She lived with her two remaining family members; her father and her brother. (Kanna was either ignored or forgotten.) Ever since her mother's death, Katara had been distant with her family. They just didn't understand the depths of her pain at losing someone so important to her. (This here is first class bullshit. Use lot of this.)

Suddenly, Katara's bedroom door burst open and her noisy older brother, Sokka, entered. "Hey, Katara!" he greeted with a grin.

"What do you want, Sokka? I'm busy!" Katara said, her fingers now flying Star Trek-style across her keyboard.

"I just came to tell you that Dad's leaving for a week to go to a conference in Huston—(they live in America like me!)—so you'll be on your own this week!"

Katara sighed. Sokka was always spending the night at his various girlfriends' houses. She doubted she'd see much of him this week. "Thanks for the heads up. Now, get out of my room!"

Sokka made a mock-wounded expression. "Hey, don't be jelly just because I'm getting some and you're not!"

"Piss off, Sokka!"

(Why is everyone yelling? I can't really explain this.)

Sokka flounced out of her room, not even bothering to shut her door behind him. He could be such a twerp. Sometimes Katara wished she had been born an only child.

Step Three: Make sure to describe exactly what every character is wearing in painful detail.

Katara looked at her clock and saw that it read 7:15 AM. "Shit! I'm gonna be late!" (I know canon Katara doesn't cuss, but this is edgy!Katara.) She closed her laptop and went to her closet, undressing and donning a black and blue plaid pleated skirt (blue for water tribe) with black lace trim and a ripped, black Hot Topic T-shirt (she's alternative like me!). She pulled on a pair of over-the-knee black socks and finished the outfit with a pair of blue Converse All-Stars. (This makes her hip.) Katara was gorgeous, but she didn't pay much attention to her appearance. She didn't care what she looked like (clear lie, considering how carefully coordinated the outfit I just described is) and she didn't give a rip what anybody thought of her.

She quickly left her house and began running towards her school. (Even though she's in America and her school would likely have a school bus system, we're going to pretend this is Japan and have her and everybody else walk to school instead. This may change if at a later point driving a car is deemed cool, at which point every character will inexplicably have cars suddenly.)

Step Four: The fateful encounter.

Katara had almost reached the school when she turned a corner and bumped into a firm, muscly chest and fell to the ground. (How she could tell that this chest was firm and muscly when she'd only briefly made contact with it is unimportant.) She landed on her butt hard and her bag fell onto the concrete next to her. She looked up and her eyes landed on the man she'd hit.

(Awright! This is what we've been waiting for, so really go for it!)

He was tall and absolutely gorgeous. He appeared to be just a few years older than her, with dark, shaggy—but amazingly sexy—hair and pale skin. He wore a black ACDC T-shirt and worn-looking jeans that had a rip in the right knee. He also had on a pair of black Converse (because that's the only kind of shoe we care about). Katara looked into his eyes and saw that they were the most dazzling gold color she'd ever seen. (Somehow she can perfectly make out the color of his eyes from ground.) Even the scar over his left eye was sexy and added an air of mystery to him. (Line taken from every Zuko fic ever.)

[Insert sudden perspective change!]

Now, at this point we need to decide whether this is Jerk!Zuko or Sensitive!Zuko. But no need to worry about it too much because both options will inevitably lead to SexGod!Zuko. How about we just go with slightly-aloof!Zuko for now.

Zuko looked down at the girl sprawled on the ground in front of him. His first instinct was to yell at the person who had so rudely smashed into him, but when he saw her, the words died on his tongue. The girl had the most amazing sapphire eyes he'd ever seen. They seemed to stare straight into his soul. (This line is mandatory. It doesn't matter that it makes no sense given Katara was just checking him out physically and has yet to spare a thought for the kind of person he is.)

"...Are you okay?" he asked after a sufficient amount of time of staring into each other's eyes.

The girl picked herself up and patted dirt off the back of her skirt. "Um, yeah, I'm fine," she answered, grabbing her bag off the ground. She pulled out her cell phone and checked the time. "Fuck!" she swore, and with a quick apology for bumping into him, she raced off toward the school building two blocks away.

Zuko watched her leave in silence. What a weird girl. Could she be a student at the high school he'd just transferred to? He readjusted his bag and began walking to the school.

Step Five: Finish your chapter with a nice, abrupt ending. I know we've barely gotten started here and our chapter feels like it could (and ought to) go on for at least a good thousand or two more words, but as a badfic writer, you want to make it abundantly clear to the reader that you ran out of patience with writing and wanted to post your shiny new chapter as quickly as possible.

To be continued…

Wow! What a ballin' chapter! Give yourself a pat on the back. You earned it. But wait! We're not done just yet! Now that you've slapped that sexy 'to be continued' welfare plaster onto the bleeding stub of your poor, premature, half-formed, Quasimodo franken chapter, it's time to honor the holiest and most sacred badfic tradition: begging for reviews. A truly great badfic author will hold his or her fic hostage until they get a certain number of reviews. Usually with a comment like this:

This is my first fanfic ever and I need feedback so I won't update till I get 20 reviews k thanx!

Outstanding.

The best part of all this is that unlike other authors, you needn't feel any obligation to ever continue your story. If you want to leave your fic hanging at one chapter for all eternity, feel free. The world can't bring you down!

What do you mean I myself have done this? First of all, I would never. Second of all, it's rude to go for a girl's wig like that. You ought to feel ashamed.

This has been a simple guide to writing terrible fanfiction by Advocaat. Thank you for reading and I hope you found these steps informative and helpful. Join me again next time for Part 2! (Maybe.)

Author's Note (for real this time):

Hi, guys. It's been a while. Sorry about my recent lack of Zutara fanfiction.

This guide was meant as a work of humor, and any relation to any existing work is purely unintentional (but not entirely coincidental, given the its parodical nature). I myself have fallen victim to many of the traps described here during my time as a writer on FFnet. The proof still exists, if you look at my older works.

This guide was a product of boredom while sitting at my desk at work. I may continue it if the mood strikes. Who knows. That's assuming I didn't offend anyone too badly. Heh.

Peace out!

Advocaat