A/N: This will be my first true attempt at writing a mature rated story, I've come close in the past, but I will be crossing the line at some point so please be warned. This story features Zevran Aranai and Kalli Tabris, from my Grim Tales shorts, To Court Death. It is not necessary to read those two, but it would help with establishing Kalli, well without further nattering on, behold my newest fic!

Killing Despair, Stealing Hope

Chapter 1: Death Wish

9:30 Dragon Age: Near the foothills of the Frostback Mountains

He was staring at her again.

He had kept his distance the last few days, Alistair and Sten never left him alone for very long, no doubt suspecting that he might make another attempt on their lives. The fact that neither the warden nor the Qunari had killed him yet meant that he had yet to do anything to anger their fiery leader.

For now, he simply trudged along with the others, obeying whatever order the wardens gave.

He had no problem with female authority. Whether on the battlefield or in the bedroom, some women just needed to be treated like the goddesses they were.

Zevran smiled slightly.

Kalli would likely have called such claims bullshit. She was not the type of woman who accepted being put on a pedestal.

It was quite a shame; she would look quite from one.

Chuckling to himself the elf resumed his private musing, his eyes never falling from the black cloaked figure leading their little group. The cloak hid much of her feminine features, but every once and a while he would turn just right and catch a glimpse of her dark red hair, its fiery color made molten by the setting sun, the flecks of gold running through it like veins of gold through a river of flame.

Hair as fiery as her temper, the elven warden was not to be taken lightly, as he had learned the hard way. She was more than just a beautiful face; she was a she-demon with a sword and dagger. His allies slain to the last, with only him still alive, left alive to fight on, and find the death he sought elsewhere.

He had stared into Kalli's dark eyes; death had stood before him and had chosen not to take him yet.

He was still trying to figure out why.

It had been a little over a week since he had joined the Grey Wardens and their crusade to save Ferelden from the Blight. In all that time, Zevran Aranai had been on his best behavior. He recognized that many in their group did not trust him, not that he blamed them for that, as a member of the Antivan Crows he had tried to assassinate them all after all.

He should have died for that failure, he recognized that, and not for Kalli's decision to spare his life and let him serve her, he likely would have, but that had been the whole point.

Zevran had one mission in mind when he came to Ferelden…

He came here to die.

Unbidden Rinna's beautiful face came up to haunt him, those lovely eyes, those trembling lips…he…he remembered the first night they had spent together, and the final moments they had shared.

Zevran's mouth turned into a small grim line.

He still saw Rinna, on her knees before him while Taliesin held her by the hair. She had begged him to spare her, swore to the Maker that she would never betray the crows. That she would never betray him.

She professed her love, begged him to give her another chance…a chance to prove her loyalty.

He and Taliesin had already spoken of this, if they let Rinna go, if she had betrayed the crows.

It would mean death for them both.

Zevran had not hesitated; he knew what was expected of him.

He cut Rinna's throat. She refused to look away from him, even as she lay there dying.

He had spat on her then; it was what was expected when dealing with a traitor.

He would regret those actions until his dying day.

When he and Taliesin had explained what had happened to their maestro, the man had merely laughed. They had discovered the true traitor already. They could have them at any time that she was not a traitor, but the maestros had elected not to.

The saw it as both a warning, and as a lesson, one day even they might be made examples of…

No one assassin was bigger than the crows.

Zevran felt his hands squeeze into angry fists. All his life he had been loyal to the order, carrying out their contracts without complaint, and now they took away the one woman that he…he…

No…he…he could not even consider it, could not even think of it!

That way laid madness.

His elven ears lowered in shame. There was no forgiveness for what he had done to Rinna and he knew that. Death would be his final reward, he accepted that, but death had chosen to take the form of the beautiful Kalli, and he found that he still lived.

Once again his eyes found her shrouded form, a black shadow against the afternoon sun. The only color at all came from the sun glinting of the longsword she had strapped to her back.

His brow furrowed.

That blade should have ended his life, he should be…

The assassin shook his head, what in Andraste's name was he doing. Rinna was gone; there was nothing he could do about that. The crows would kill him if they caught up with him, and if they did not, one of the many enemies that pursued the Grey Wardens likely would.

If it was an end he craved he would likely find it soon enough.

"Are you alright Zevran?"

The sweet Orlesian accent brought him out of his musings. He turned to smile at Leliana, the rogue; turned chantry sister was likely his only ally here.

He did not intend to worry her. He was not some weak willed child, contemplating simple suicide.

When his life ended, he intended for it to have meaning. He intended to go down fighting.

So he buried his pain and his emotions, letting his charm come to the forefront, it was as much a weapon to him as his blades.

"I am quite fine my dear," he chuckled, "Merely enjoying the view. Our dear warden is quite lovely don't you think?"

The bard smirked at him.

"You can see nothing while she is wearing that heavy cloak."

Zevran's eyes twinkled with amusement; his mask once again was firmly in place.

That mask had always protected him; it hid fear, doubt, and shame.

"I have a wonderful imagination my dear," he purred, "All Kalli's cloak does is give me a chance to exercise it, so many wonderful dark fantasies.

He gave the bard a lecherous look.

"Perhaps you would like to explore some with me tonight?"

The bard coughed, her eyes suddenly looked both embarrassed and uncomfortable.

"That…uh…that will not be necessary," she replied, "I…um…have no interest in what you have to offer."

Zevran gave her a knowing smile. Leliana was not as innocent as she pretended to be, he knew that. Why did she pretend so he wondered?

Whatever the reason, it did not matter; he took great pleasure in flustering her. It was both cute, and kept her from asking uncomfortable questions. Questions he saw no need to answer.

It was better that way. That way, the mask he wore could stay on a little while longer.

At least, until death took it off permanently, and sent him to his final judgment.

He was not afraid of that.

Rinna was waiting for him.

He welcomed the chance to see her again.

IOI

Kalli said nothing as she led the group up Gherlen's Pass. She put one foot in front of the other and tried to ignore he brightness of the sun. For too many years she had lived in the shadows of the vhenadahl, kept from the light from its large bows, and the shadows of the Denerim Alienage.

She was still trying to get use to all the space; there was so much of it. Even the Denerim market at midday had not bothered her this much.

She found that she missed the crowds, so many people for her to get lost in. Out in the open like this, she felt like someone had pinned a bull's-eye to her chest.

She did not like that, not one little bit.

Kalli had been many things in life, though pick-pocket was her most well-known profession. She had been good too; few could stop her when she had set her mind on a mark.

She had never seen herself as a leader, and now she had been forced into the role. Alistair, Morrigan, Koran, Leliana, Sten, Zevran, they all looked to her for guidance. Even Shale, the cantankerous golem, they had picked up in Honnleath followed her example.

She feared that she was not up to the task. She was no warrior. Maker's breath, she had not ever killed anyone until a few months ago, and that had not been her choice, not really.

She had had no choice at all that day.

She had never needed to draw her blade while stealing, not once. She was too good for that. She had never needed to draw it, never needed to harm anyone…

…Until the day of her wedding…

…Until Vaughan Kendals.

She did her best to suppress a shiver. She tried very hard not to think about that day, about seeing herself covered in crimson; her white wedding dressed stained pink with shem blood.

Kalli's eyes narrowed.

She had little memory of those events. It…the blood fury had been upon her, her training had taken over and…

She could still hear the screaming, whether it was her own or her victims she could not tell.

She…she did her best not to think of it. She felt no shame for the act of killing those men. They had murdered Nola; they had delivered Shianni into Vaughan's hands to be brutalized, to be raped!

Vaughan had deserved to die. He was a heartless bastard who treated elven women like animals, his guards and lapdogs had been no better. It was not like the guard would ever punish him for what he had done. His name and station had protected him.

No, no magistrate would ever have convicted of him of his crimes, her way had been the only way.

A cold breeze blew down from the mountains forcing her to wrap her cloak tighter around her lithe body.

Now…now she did shiver, and not from the cold.

Vaughan was dead, that was better, but so many had paid before he fell, so many had died.

Nola

She thought of Nola, shy, simple Nola. She had always had such faith, had elves been allowed to join the chantry she might have.

Nola had been the first to die, cut down by the captain of Vaughan's guards, she had died so pointlessly.

Kalli had taken her time with him; she had driven her borrowed longsword into the captain's guts, twisting it painfully.

He had not begged for his life, it…it might have been more satisfying had he done so.

Shianni

She then thought of Shianni, her dear sweet cousin, so much fire, so much strength. Always ready to argue; always ready to help another elf in need.

She had arrived too late.

When they had said their goodbyes, Shianni could not even bring herself to look at her cousin; she just sat on the bed wrapped in an old blanket.

Was she ashamed? Did she blame herself for what that bastard had done? Did she blame Kalli?

Seeing Shianni like that…it…it had been more than heartbreaking.

In the end Vaughan's death had been too quick.

Nelaros

The thought of her betrothed with the most painful of all, they…they had not known each other that long, only about a half hour truth be told.

She had not been sure about wanting to be married. She admitted that without shame. Nelaros had been handsome, she could not deny that, and he no doubt would have tried to be a good husband to her.

Her fingers found the gold band that hung on a chain around her neck. A ring made by Nelaros himself on the forges of Highever, the ring that should have sealed their bond as husband and wife.

She would have tried. She truly would have. She would have tried to be a good wife, but fate had chosen that that was not meant to be. Vaughan's guards had caught him, then they…they…

Kalli swallowed hard.

He had died…died right in front of her, slain by the same bastard who had taken Nola.

That had been the hardest thing for her to deal with.

Kalli was many things, a thief and a troublemaker. Her Father had always feared that she would come to a bad end.

What she was not, was someone worthy of saving. No one deserved to die for her.

No one.

Despite the time that had passed, she still found that the memory hurt, she still felt tears sting her eyes for her doomed fiancé.

It…it had not been right.

It wasn't fair!

When Duncan had conscripted her, she had been on her way to Fort Drakon, to await the King's justice.

She had not expected a trial. She was an elf who had murdered a high nobleman; she knew what her fate was going to be.

Duncan might have saved her from that fate, but…

Kalli's mouth flattened into a grim line.

She made a promise to herself, right then and there.

No one else would die for her.

Nelaros had not deserved his fate; she would see that no one else joined him. She was scum, she knew that, and accepted it. She had come to accept long ago that she would come to a bad end.

When the time came, she would face it, without fear.

No one else would take her place on the chopping block. It was what she deserved, for Nelaros, for Shianni, for Nola…

For everyone.

As they rounded the next bend the found themselves standing before a great road sign. Kalli stood before it pretending to read.

Leliana hurried to her side, she was the only one of their party that knew Kalli's secret…

The elf could not read.

"Orzammar's to our right," the bard whispered.

The elf nodded in thanks.

She looked up at the sky, things did not look promising. Snow would soon fall heavy down on this pass.

She hoped to be inside Orzammar before that happened.

Alistair had not been pleased with her choice to stop here, but he felt that they should have made for Denerim. Arl Eamon still needed his cure.

Kalli was not worried. That mage Jowan was still in Redcliffe. He had placed the Arl into a type of stasis. It would sustain him until the wardens returned.

Orzammar would not take long, they just needed to speak to the king, get his approval of their treaty, and then they would be on their way.

It was simple.

She turned to face the others, when she spoke she hoped they would not hear the nervousness in her voice.

Her voice was that of a thief pretending to be a general.

"We must make haste," she declared, "I want to be in the city before the snow flies."

She expected no complaints or encouragement from the others. She needed none, and after Redcliffe they knew what to expect of her.

Of course, not all of their party had been in Redcliffe.

Zevran stepped forward.

"It is a wonderful Idea my dear warden," he purred, "Baring that of course, perhaps you and I can find a nice dry cave along the pass, just big enough for two."

He smirked at her.

"I'm sure we could find some way to keep warm."

She glared at him.

A few days ago, the assassin had helped her deal with her troubled conscience. The fact that she had let Lady Isolde Guerin die had been haunting her.

It…it had been nice to have someone to talk to, someone who had not been with them. The fact that he was handsome did not hurt either.

She dismissed that last thought almost immediately.

What did it matter what the assassin looked like?

She had work to do, and even if she didn't…

Well…

It seemed that the care he showed that day was just an act.

She would remember that.

She did not even deem his suggestion worth a reply.

She made her way up the pass without comment.

She heard Zevran say something to Alistair, but given that he chose to ignore the assassin as well showed just how much what the assassin had said was worth.

Kalli rolled her eyes.

Zevran Aranai was likely the shallowest elf she had ever met.

She doubted that he gave a damn about anyone but himself.

Of course, that was alright.

Such a man would never dream of trying to sacrifice himself for her.

That was what she wanted.

That…was what she needed.

A/N: So what did you think? If you want me to continue shoot me a review, you know I love to hear from you.

DG