Author's Note: This is all Aria's fault. This was written for the July contest in Aria's Afterlife, specifically "Give me a crack pairing." And then, because of how I wrote Wheels of Fire, she specifically called me out to write a Shep/Mako pairing. I leave it to the audience to tell me just how badly I fared.

One armor-plated hand rested against the surface. He couldn't feel the cold that doubtlessly chilled her through her core, but he could tell from the crumpled damage that even if he could convince his shadowy boss to fork over the credit, she'd never recover. Certainly no Alliance salvage team would save her.

Reaching up, he tested the armored hatch. To his surprise, after sticking for a moment, it creaked open, ice crystals falling from the hinge like snow. Bracing himself, he jumped and scrambled to climb into the badly tilted passenger compartment, staring around the inside. The seats had actually torn loose, a feat he'd never duplicated, even the time a thresher maw flipped her over twice. The forward screens had shattered from impact or cold, and the viewing slit for the Mark I Eyeball was covered over in ice.

Turning on the light from his omni-tool, he stood, braced in the hatch, his other foot on the tangled remains of the gunnery wiring, and thought back to the first time he met her.

"Lieutenant Shepard, reporting for duty." He snapped off a crisp salute, making the other officer grin. "My orders say I'm here to relieve you."

"Welcome to Alliance Third Exploratory Company, Shep. We've got two weeks before I ship off for my new posting on Arcturus, thank goodness. Name's Suresh." She held out for a handshake, and he managed to quell his normal phobia of physical contact long enough to give as good as he got. "You been XP before?"

"Not unless you count my N training," he said, taking the other chair in the closet-sized office. "But I joined up to get out and see more of the galaxy."

Suresh snorted. "You'll do that from here, that's for sure. A lot of ass-end boring places in the galaxy, quite a few of them with batarian slavers, or salarian smugglers, or turian pirates." Pulling open a desk drawer, she set out a small box with almost a dozen award ribbons. "Been here three years and I've got more combat pins than three-fourths my Academy class."

He nodded silently, categorizing them in his head. "I did hear you get better gear, though."

"Some of it. We get good vehicles, at least. All the really good stuff goes to the dreadnaughts or the Citadel honor guard." Dropping the box carelessly back in the drawer, she stood up. "Speaking of, want to see the latest addition?"

"Absolutely. I'm a tech-head." He stepped out of the office and waited for her to lock it. They stepped out onto the base, the air filled with the scent of native Shanxi wildflowers. "Where's the garage?"

"About a klick away. I spend as much time walking around this damn place as I do on paperwork." They traveled on in a companionable silence, broken only when Suresh pointed out one important landmark or another, or the occasional greeting of one of the soldiers in his new company. Finally reaching the garage, she grinned and rested one hand on the access panel. "Brace yourself."

The vehicle door slid open, and only with great effort did Shepard keep his mouth closed. "Holy shit, an M35? You guys have the new Mako? I thought it was still undergoing trials!" Almost leaping forward, he ran one hand over the pointed nose of the beast, inhaling that particular scent of fresh rubber, new paint and sealing agents that screamed "new car."

"Actually, going with us is one of its trials. You're supposed to be dropping in a month on some place called Akuze, verify its habitability. If this thing handles better than a Grizzly, like it's supposed to, all the XP commands will get them." She stopped as he vanished underneath the vehicle. "You weren't kidding about being a techie."

He grunted something as an affirmative, fingertips tracing over the independent suspension for each wheel. The serial plate was on the underside as well, easily readable with the bay lights on. "You named her yet?" he asked, trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice.

"Named it? Hell, we just got the beast yesterday." Her face appeared between two of the wheels. "Try not to get too attached just yet, alright? These things haven't been outside the factory-designed track yet."

Ducking back out, he shrugged. "It's a personal thing. I find my vehicles work better for me if I name them." He patted the nose again. "I think I'll call her Mandy."

Suresh raised an eyebrow. "Mandy?"

His cheeks colored faintly. "The serial number is MND001. It fits."

"If you say so." She shook her head, but she was smiling. "You obviously know the stats on it, which is good. Have you met the CO yet?"

"No, so I suppose we better head over there," he said reluctantly, fingers sliding off the polished armor nose.

Three weeks later, they touched down on Akuze. With it being his first deployment ever, he landed with his men, taking the wheel of Mandy as they drove off the dropship. The compartment was - just barely - large enough to fit five soldiers in armor, if they were accepting of close personal contact and acquiring bruises. So naturally, Shepard had claimed it for just himself and one of his sergeants.

"This thing handles like a drunken fishing boat," Sergeant Morris complained as they jolted up over another hill.

Shepard patted the dashboard. "Don't listen to him, Mandy. He's just jealous he's not driving."

They rode in silence for a few moments. "Sir? You really think this cheap tank responds better because you named it?"

"She does, actually." Shepard eased off the accelerator to glance over his shoulder. "Look at the logs. Accuracy, fuel efficiency, all went up since I got here. Parts needing replacement has gone down."

Morris muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "OCD," but Shepard ignored it with the grace of long practice. "If you say so, sir."

"Mandy will work just fine." Peering out the cameras, he nodded. "I think this looks like a nice place to set up camp, don't you?"

Popping open the tiny cupola next to the gun, the sergeant looked around. They had stopped in a shady overhang, native plants growing out from the sandstone cliff as they looked down over a wide river valley plain. "They put pictures of this on the news article, we'll be beating colonists off with a stick."

Shepard slid half out of his seat. "There were colonists here, actually. You can see the lines from some of their fields out there." He raised an eyebrow. "You did read the mission briefing, right?"

"Eh, I glanced at it. Honestly, most of our missions are identical." Shoving open the door, Morris dropped out and stretched. "I'll get the camp layout done, sir. I'm sure you want to keep our tank in working order."

Dropping back into the seat, Shepard sighed gratefully. Mandy's engine hummed softly as the actuator closed the hatch. "I wonder if I could install a VI on you." One hand gently caressed the control panel. "It'd be better if you could actually speak to me, even if you can talk in your own way."

An indicator light flashed on the radar panel, indicating the arrival of the other vehicles in the company, mostly transport trucks and even lighter APCs. As the logistics crew started unpacking the prefab tents, Shepard pulled Mandy out for another quick whirl. She hummed around him, joyous in exploring a planet barely touched by human eyes. One of the APCs tried and failed to keep pace as they drove around the cliff to the cluster of colony buildings.

Tension mounted as squads searched each one of the sixty structures. Shepard kept on the perimeter, eyes on Mandy's scanners. A rumble of discontent echoed from the vehicle as the day went on with no responses and no survivors found, just abandoned buildings and multiple fields torn to pieces.

Late that night, Shepard awoke from a doze, neck cramped from sleeping in the driving seat. Screams were coming from outside, along with scattered gunfire. As he looked at the radar warning, something large and unidentifiable suddenly appeared, and out the viewscreen he could see a worm-like creature swallowing one of their prefab units whole, along with all four of the marines still inside it.

Revving the engine, Mandy bolted forward under his commands, almost anticipating his need. The gun swiveled as he tried to aim with just the sensors, unleashing a burst of machine gun fire that drove the creature back underground. "This is Shepard, regroup along the cliff edge," he shouted into the communicator.

A moment later, he was spinning into the air, the thresher maw completely tearing off two wheels as it spent the vehicle tumbling. Even in the air, he tried to bring the gun around, but they smashed into the rock face, and he lost consciousness.

Blinking away the memory, Shepard looked down at the carcass of the driving station. "That was only the first time we had together, right Mandy?" The interior panels had crumbled away, but he clambered down the exposed body struts and shifted one chair out of the way. The radar screen was merely cracked, not broken, and he reached out with one finger. "Fate brought us together again."

"Commander Shepard, welcome aboard." Anderson took his hand in a firm grip for only a moment. "I've seen your record. You'll be a valuable addition to the crew."

"I'm glad to be here, captain," he said. "The Normandy is supposed to be cutting-edge research, right?"

"Several things about it are. You'll no doubt recognize the Alliance-standard sleeping pods, mess hall food, and computers." Anderson started walking back the length of the ship, towards a bridge configuration that reminded him of a bad holovision show rather than a real ship. "Some of the layout, the stealth systems of course, and the drive core are where the real improvements came in."

Down the stairs, they swung briefly through the medical bay before descending further to the cargo bay. "And in here is one piece of equipment you'll actually be familiar with. Along with standard armory layout, we have an M35 for exploration and ground support."

Shepard smiled, patting the beat-up nose. "You mind if I take a quick look at her?"

"Her?" Anderson chuckled. "I had heard about your penchant for naming pieces of equipment. Do they really work better?"

One hand held up his omni-tool. "Galahad says yes." Ducking down, he stuck his head between the front tires and looked around for the serial plate. "Sir, did you requisition this Mako on purpose?"

"No, it was just the one Alliance supply decided to give to us. It's one of the older set, but Adams gave it a quick once-over and said it's fit enough. Why?"

Standing up, Shepard smoothed the front of his uniform tunic. "Sir, this is Mandy. The same Mako I was in on Akuze." One hand rubbed the tire coaming protectively. "Without her, I wouldn't be alive."

Anderson stepped forward, examining the vehicle for a moment. "Then she's your good luck charm. And let me guess, you're about to ask if you can start performing tweaks and modifications quite obviously not in the maintenance manuals." He shrugged. "As long as we can drop at any time, feel free. After we finish the tour of the ship," he said, aborting Shepard's automatic turn towards the tool boxes bolted to the wall.

"Shepard, that thing is over four hundred meters away," Kaidan complained. "A Mako's not designed to hit anything from that far away. And if I hit too close to it, the turret will start shooting rockets back at us. Which have much greater range than we do."

"I knew I should have brought Garrus along," Shepard retorted. "He wouldn't have argued with me, he'd have shot the damn thing. Mandy's capable of putting a cannon round on a batarian head from half a klick away, aren't you girl?"

The engine thrummed, making Kaidan glare into the front seat. "Just shoot it already," Liara added. "We'll be here all day arguing, and every second my mother could be doing something else for Saren."

Scowling, Kaidan lined up the targeting reticule on the turret just barely visible across the jagged valley. The trigger, helpfully modified to need barely one kilogram of effort, thrummed under his grip, and to Kaidan's surprise, the cannon shell exploded against the armored plating. "That actually worked!"

"Of course it worked! Mandy's the best in the business," Shepard said. One hand squeezed the throttle, jumping them forward two meters as rockets came streaking towards them from several places around the icy cliffs.

They scurried and leapt, the cannon growling as it traversed towards each target in turn, reducing them to shattered electronics and melted armor slags. As Liara clung grimly to the seat grips, Shepard's steady hands coaxed the Mako to ever more impressive lengths, until with a final burst from only the rear thrusters, the last two rockets sailed harmlessly past them. "That was incredible," she breathed.

"She saved our butts." Leaning forward a little, he patted the dashboard. "Who's the best Mako in the whole Alliance?"

"Shepard, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were about to start making out with our tank," Kaidan said. "Can we get a move on?"

"Don't listen to the meanie. He just doesn't know you like I do," Shepard stage-whispered.

Straightening up, Shepard withdrew his finger from the radar display. "Even going after Saren, you were there for us until the end. I fought with Alliance bean-counters for three weeks to get you fixed, and maybe if I had waited to call in a favor, you wouldn't be here." With grim finality, he climbed back up to the hatch, dropping back to the icy surface of Alchera.

"Miranda? I'm setting out the monument now," he said into his communicator. He ignored the reply, struggling under the effort of manually lifting the two hundred kilo piece of metal. The hard-packed snow hardly even gave way as he set it down, inches away from Mandy's crumpled and burned nose.

Leaning forward, he rested the faceplate of his helmet against the scarred armor plate. If the atmosphere was breathable, he might even have risked the frostbite, Chakwas be damned. "Goodbye, my guardian angel," he whispered. Eyes clouded by tears, he strode back to the shuttle, and back to the galaxy that needed him.