A/N: Hello everyone! I've been sitting on this chapter for a month now, I apologize for the long long very long delay. Also a very big thank you to my amazing beta Timberwolf Silver, to everyone who favorited, followed and reviewed this story. I really appreciate your support guys and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Feedback is, as always, tremendously valued.

Change, Choice and Principles

Chapter III

Reminiscing

After so many years of living it's hard to remember things properly. Unimportant things, details, they all mush together; they're hard to discern, harder when I try to focus on a single event. The life I had before being thrown into this world I can barely trace now, it's all a blurred motion…I remember feelings, ideas, beliefs, hopes I had, outlines of the life I used to live. The important things stuck better though, things I knew about this world. I intertwined them with my very being; they became part of me, unforgettable. Events, faces, places…they stuck because they meant my survival.

I don't want to die again. No. I don't want my life ripped savagely from me again. I don't want to have to say again 'Not like this. Not like this'. I don't want to beg. Perhaps that's why I ended up here in the first place, because I didn't want to let go, because I clung to life as hard as I could. I was given a second chance, twice. If that's the case then whatever gods govern this…world, this universe, they have a very screwed up sense of humor…or none at all.

My deaths are my most vivid memories. They were etched with utmost precision in my mind, I know every step, every breath, every move, and I can picture everything clearly when I close my eyes. I can see the face of the man that squeezed the living breath out of me with his bare hands. I can feel the building pressure in my lungs, the burning, and the sting of a cut beneath my right eye, the throbbing of a busted lip, and the pain in the back of my head from being smacked over and over against the stone pavement.

I was leaving work well in to the hours of the night, that much I know. I was walking down the street when I saw a man. He kept his eyes fixated on me and had a twisted smile on his face. He didn't want money, he didn't have the look of a man who wanted to rob someone…he wanted something else entirely. Kitten. That's what he called me. His voice was gruff, his stare intent and with a knife in his hand he stalked after me. I tried to run, tried to make a break for it through a park, thought I could lose him. I was scared out of my mind. I was in my twenties and I wanted so desperately to have a life, a future. So awfully cliché. I was hyperventilating and my pace had slowed to an awkward speed walk. I was an easy prey by the time he got to me. Yet I still fought, it was instinct and adrenaline, pride…yes, there was pride as well. I thought…stupidly I could defend myself. That I shouldn't; couldn't let him have his way with me just like that. Yet, with my actions I angered that man to the point that his only desire was to kill me. In the heat of the moment he threw his knife away and lunged at me like an animal. His hands clasped hard around my neck. I tried to scream, to get him off, I squirmed and pushed and pulled. He started to hit my head on the pavement; over and over again. Warm blood oozed from the back of my head. There were lights dancing before my eyes and in an instant everything went black.

I was dead.

In my second life, the period I spent near the fallen Land of Whirlpools, digging through the remnants of a ruined civilization, was most fruitful. It shaped me into a feared ninja. It took months to just sort through all the things left behind, you could tell the outposts were abandoned in a hurry, probably as soon as word that the village had fallen got out, those stationed there fled hopping to find their loved ones. Besides scrolls, there were files, technical books, law codes, maps, some personal items. I studied all of them. The most peculiar thing of all, though, I found in a thirty year old copy of a law text. It was in a section dedicated to crime penalties, specifically what became of traitors. Apparently, for those in Uzushigakure, death was considered the easy way out in the old days. The article concerning this matter spoke of a special kind of seal, which would render said betrayer…well, useless, unable to summon chakra at all. Ironically, after the deed was done, they would let the person free at the outskirts of the village. I believe the exact words were "let them fend for themselves, as simple men, for the remainder of their days".

That single paragraph sent me on a quest to find even a reminisce of a forgotten technique. Twenty-two excruciating months I spent searching, without stopping, because I knew that the technique would make my goal tangible. I found it with difficulty, and on my way back to the outskirts of the small village that welcomed me as a refugee in times of war, I learned it by heart. I took shelter yet again in one of those abandoned outposts that stood hidden in the forests that enveloped the omnipresent hills in the area.

The building I stood in front of was now decrepit, weight down by rains and winds, by scorching summer heats, the walls were covered in mold, there were plants growing in the cracks that marred the stones, the basement was half filled with water, but it was still home to me. It had been for almost a decade.

Even so, unknown to me was that my peaceful days as a shadow were numbered. One afternoon as I was going through the steps of the chakra sealing technique once again, which more resembled of a ritual than anything in complexity, I sensed about half a dozen shinobi approaching at a rapid pace from the north, due to arrive in less than four minutes at most, and if I sensed them, they had most likely sensed me as well, a group that big always travels with a sensor. It was the first time someone had come snooping around the area.

I hid my chakra signature completely, stuffed everything that held value in a green duffle bag and made it for the tree line. I hid on a branch high up above and waited. They arrived shortly, as predicted; six ANBU surrounded the building. Or they seemed to be ANBU, they wore the traditional masks and open black cloaks, but apart from that their attire differed from one another and they didn't appear to bear the ANBU tattoo on their arms. What? Who are they? I remember thinking, baffled by the sight in front of me.

I shouldn't have lingered around for so long though, as they say curiosity killed the cat. They noticed me in a matter of minutes, and kunai were sent flying my way. It was time to make a run for it. Two of them separated from the group and followed hot on my tail. I needed to lose them fast. They would find nothing of use in the outpost, but they would on me. I pushed chakra into my feet and skidded through the forest as fast as I could, hoping I would lose them soon. I knew the hills like the back of my palm, every alcove, every hidden spot. I didn't need to throw a single kunai for my pursuers gave up on their own.

In lack of a better alternative I went back into the Land of Rain, my damp and humid homeland. The constant run-ins with shinobi made my life a living hell. Even if I tried evading them, battles became an unfortunate constant. I couldn't stay for long in a single place and soon I found myself among the faces present in the Bingo Books. I was surprised though that they managed to figure out exactly who I was, from presumed dead I became a missing nin, that was to be approached with caution. "Highly deadly" and "Specialty: Explosions" were listed with red ink bellow my name.

I managed to create a safe haven at least, near the border between Fire and Rain. Was it coincidence or luck, is still debatable. Maybe I had an affinity for forgotten places. It wasn't so much an outpost, but a lair, stretching underground, a base of sorts. Dating from one of the wars, I neither knew nor cared which one. I was only glad it was well hidden and in relatively good shape, it would have been a pity to die beneath a bunch of rubble. At least I had a place I could call mine.

I can't say I had friends or acquaintances then, but I met people, other defected shinobi and travelers of all sorts, merchants, wonderers and adventurers, I hid among them, and even helped some along the way. After a time I began moving from a poor village to another. Hoping I would somehow stumble upon the rebels all spoke of. It was my best bet of finding the one I planned to render useless. The war had begun already when I encountered the famous three key memebrs of the Akatsuki. They were at the outskirts of a…hamlet? If you can call a conglomerate of thirteen barely standing huts that. The rain poured heavy, soaking everything and everyone to the bone, as it always had.

It was by chance, a fluke, a stroke of luck. As I headed towards the small community, they were leaving it. They stopped dead in their tracks as soon as they spotted me. I kept walking leisurely, smile spread wide on my face. They perceived it as menacing, I think they recognized who I was the instant they laid their eyes on me. I had made quite a reputation for myself I might say. Five meters separated us when I finally stopped. Nagato, Yahiko and Konan all had kunai drawn and if looks were to kill…well, that is while it lasted. I was so dumbstruck I started laughing at their actions, which didn't help the situation at all. The three exchanged weary glances before the orange haired one decided to speak.

"We won't let you harm this people! Turn back!" I couldn't help but laugh even harder. I could believe neither what was standing right in front of me nor what I was hearing. He charged then, I sidestepped, he went for another hit, I dodged, again and again, it went on like a dance. I didn't return with attacks of my own, only avoided his, while trying to control the laughing fit I was going through. During this one sided combat, his friends simply stood and watched, ready to intervene if needed. When Yahiko managed to land a hit, everything went still and silent. I looked at him and blinked, traced my bottom lip with my right thumb and rose in front of my eyes. Blinked again. They all shared a look of concern now. Who could blame them? This missing nin appeared out of the blue and started laughing like a maniac whilst one of them tried to land a blow. Probably thought I was crazy…no, no, they did for certain think I was crazy.

I stood there and stared from my hand to Yahiko and back to my hand again. And guess what? I laughed. Proof that too much time alone doesn't do anyone any good.

"Oh…This is really not how this was supposed to go" I finally managed to spurt out. I was met with confused faces. "I'm sorry, I should have started with I'm not here to kill anyone, perhaps" I continued, between chuckles. "I sense that isn't helpful either. You probably think I'm crazy now." Silence. "Definitely think I'm crazy. Right…how do I explain this…shit…well…since you already think I'm coo-coo, what's there to lose?" Silence. Silence and stares. "The thing is I was looking for you actually. You're the Akatsuki, yes?"

"Y-yeah…" Yahiko replied somewhat hesitant, while the other two came to stand on either side of him.

"What of it?" Konan proceeded to ask.

"I want to join." Simple as that.

"Why?" Now Nagato spoke, his eyes narrowing…I avoided looking directly into them, I felt uneasy, so instead I focused on the point between his eyebrows.

"Because it would be beneficial to us both?"

"And why would we trust you? You're a missing ni-…" Yahiko began again.

"And you're not? Do you not claim to be separate from the current leadership of Amegakure?" I cut in. I needed to negotiate, not plead.

"That's different…We're-"

"Oh? Is that so? And, pray tell what makes you three so different?"

"The Bingo Book states you single handedly killed more than one hundred shinobi with one atta-"

"Oh…funny, this one says thirty." I corrected him while fishing a little black book from my cloak and tossing it over to them. Konan caught it and started looking through it. "Page 27…and there were actually less than 10. The casualties I can't account for…the Kasunda forest thorough…that I know is gone"

"This doesn't mean…" Konan tried to counter, peering over the book.

"I'm getting too old for this….Look…you want change, so do I…and frankly you need all the help you can get. I've been passing through hamlets like these for months now, looking for you. They're all still standing and the people all breathing. When a battle comes my way I try my best to scare off rather than murder blindly, not my MO. But no matter how much I try to hold back, it doesn't mean the ones attacking me do that as well. I'm walking on a path of my own making, it's neither good nor bad, but I'm trying to do my best…" I sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't believe everything you hear…I want to help you; you either take it or leave it."

They looked at each other, at the book, at me. They searched for any hint of a lie. And finally, they spoke again.

"There are rules…If you join us, there are rules." I smiled.

The year I spent with the Akatsuki, the year before everything went straight to hell was…the closest I came to having a family after so many years. I could lower my guard, and feel at the very least comfortable. It wasn't anything compared to what I had expected. It was good, a different kind of peaceful. Even so, there were times when the need to run away, to revisit that quiet, secure place I had made for myself at the boarder became unbearable. There were days when I disappeared completely. I told them the truth about my sudden absences; I didn't see the point in lying when everything already felt ominously close to an end. They understood, somehow, I had managed to gain their trust. That or they concluded, from my behavior over those months, I was quite an oddball. The spacing out issue was ever present, as it is now, as it always was. People would be trying to make small talk, I would reply, but after a while I would phase out, be caught in my own head, especially when there was someone else involved in the conversation. Then there was the ever constant poke that would bring me back to the real world, the sigh and, of course, the "You weren't listening, were you?" to which I would reply with a shrug and an awkward smile. I was never good at small talk. Never knew how to handle it. Even the weather related talks baffled me.

I would always take naps perched up on some iron beam in the tall building when I had free time, or I messed around with explosive seals, trying to maximize their blast power. The other members used to watch and try to learn things about Fuinjutsu when I did that…of course after one flared in my hands and almost blew up in our faces there were few courageous enough to stand close during times like this. It was decided that it was better to steer clear of explosives in general when trying to impart knowledge. Konan showed more interest than others and she was quick to learn. Nagato did relatievely good as well, Yahiko, though had no inclination to sealing whatsoever. We sparred together as much as we could. I had the occasion to mock fight with each one of the members. For their age, they were all very skilled.

I was away when Hanzo had made his invitation. Returned just half an hour after Yahiko and Nagato left to seal the deal. As soon as I heard I what passed in my absence, I asked for the location, told the others to remain there, no matter what, and rushed off. I arrived at the cliff side, where Hanzo and his men stood just in time to watch Nagato summon the Gedo Mazo. I was too late. No…there was still an opportunity. I thought. They had to be close as well, Obito and Zestu. Where Tobi goes, Zetsu follows. I just needed to locate them and prepare the sealing technique. Five minutes, that was all it was going to take. Then, whatever happened, even if I died, the Fourth War would be just a war. Without chakra, Black Zetsu would be useless. Maybe he'd even disappear, he wasn't human, that much was obvious.

I had sensed the Uchiha, his signature was faint but there, to the left. 150 meters away, on top of the cliff. The both of them would most likely stay until the battle ended. I was out in the open, yet if I moved, I wouldn't be left with enough stamina to reach them when I would be done. The scroll had specified that the user would be rendered unconscious for a week or more due to exhaustion. It had to be there, it had to be then. I was halfway through the ritual; when I sensed him disappear completely. I kept going, concentrating all my chakra in the tips of the fingers on my right hand. A chakra signature sparked in front of me. Obito. I jumped back instantly, reached into my weapon pouch and threw three kunai. I waited until they all went through him completely before detonating them. Nothing. They hadn't left even a scratch. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm dead. I'm so dead.

There was Nagato fighting Hanzo on one side, and then there was me fighting Obito on the other. I pushed back into the valley to the point that the Gedo Mazo was now a dot, trying to get a vantage spot, without avail. By the time half of my chakra reserves were depleated I had only managed to land three partial, non-fatal hits on my opponent. How in hell is he doing this? He's still a fucking kid. And where the fuck is Zetsu. If I end up being eaten by a…Shit. Move. Move. Move. Now. Speak of the devil and he's going to charge right at you. Actually, make that a dozen devils will charge right at you. He was going in for the kill. I barely managed to dodge them, at least exploding weapons worked on them. But it was a distraction. Before I had proper time to react vines, tendrils and fire balls were coming at me at a menacing speed. If I was playing on offense before, now I was reduced to barely dodging and evading, it was a piss poor excuse of a defense.

Blow them up. Blow everything the fuck up. Fuck it. Damn it all to hell. And I did. First I created a cover with black smoke bombs. Then a diversion. Six shadow clones, each with five percent of my remaining chakra to buy me even a few seconds of time and counter Oito's fire jutsus. I reeled back even further summoned scroll after scroll. One clone down. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. All in a span of barely a minute. Steam and smoke covered the entire area. But I knew Zetsu could tell my exact location. I just hoped they didn't see what was coming.

I had a quarter of my chakra left. Enough to release and detonate every single kunai, shuriken and tag from the scrolls. At least I'll go out swinging. Hell. It's going to be a masterpiece even Deidara would be envious of. I smiled and began opening each carefully crafted roll. It didn't matter if the weapons hit anything or not. Each of them was made to create an explosion four to seven times stronger than what I normally used and when all of them were combined they had the force to raze everything on a one kilometer radius.

The last scroll was opened. Ten percent left. The haze covering the battlefield cleared. I was ready. My palms molded together to form a snake seal, my chakra was focused and ready to be released. White Zetsus were charging at me in a zig zag pattern; past every kunai embed in the ground. I smiled. Now.

Stab. Gut wrenching pain flared from my back. Everything stopped.

Shit.

My eyes went wide. I turned my head back. Obito. One of my own kunai was embedded between my ribs, it touched my heart. I tasted iron. Blood soaked the inside of my mouth as a violent need to cough shook my body. Every nerve burned. All I felt was searing, scorching, mind numbing pain and I wanted to scream. To scream at world, at the gods, at fate, at everything.

Not like this. This isn't how it was supposed to happen.

Fuck.

Fuck.

"Fuck you" I roared and in a final act I forced the last of my chakra out of my body. The last thing I heard was the sound of explosions, the last thing I felt was overwhelming heat, before everything was reduced to an abysmal darkness.

I was dead, again.

When you spend three months being tortured by constant dreams of your demise, it's not the best thing to mule over every aspect of your previous deaths, or lives. It deteriorates your sanity, that is, if a person who was reborn two times can still claim they are sane in every sense of the word. I could not, I was not, I was scared of death above all things. This is why you should have the mind of a child when being a child. It became hard to maintain the childish persona I usually pulled up with my parents.

I wondered what time it was, it felt that the sun wouldn't be rising for a very long time. Yet I couldn't take any more of the tossing and turning around in the bed in hopes I would sleep again. I wished someone would just knock me out for a few days so I could have some peace.

I did alright for the first couple of weeks, hiding my lack of sleep, but the fact that I would simply nod off in the middle of lunch or dinner, was a dead giveaway. Keiji and Izumi, were to say the least, concerned at the radical change. They tried to make me sleep in their bed, but I refused, they asked if I had nightmares, I said no, they asked if someone scarred me, I said again no, eventually they put a cot in my room at night and kept turns at keeping an eye on me. Tonight was Keiji's turn, I preferred him to Izumi, she was a light sleeper and had a habit of waking up and checking on me, it was a motherly thing and I understood, but it was a nuisance to keep my breathing even for the ten minutes she would hover over me. Dad…he was...how do I say this, he slept like the dead and he snored, but it wasn't the loud obnoxious kind of snoring, it was like crickets' song. That or I had gotten used to it.

The room I had was relatively small. The apartment as a whole was small. It was an odd place. I believe it once was a normal house, cut in half and with the roof transformed into a third living space. There was a porch in the front, which was also divided, and on the right side of the building there were the stairs leading to the third suite, which was inhabited by an old lady with a dog. The other tenant was a very elusive jounin, of whom I only know because my parents mentioned him.

The sky was getting lighter, from pitch black it was beginning to turn into a navy blue. It should be around six. The sun will be up soon. I began pondering if I should wake Keiji up or not. It was a quick decision and I swung my feet off the bed, crouched down and gently shook the dear father awake.

"Wh-what? You're up?" his voice was drowsy and his face was painted with confusion.

"I'm hungry." Although I truly wasn't. I only wished to escape from those four walls that encased me.

I can't wait to grow up. I thought as Keiji took us to the kitchen and prepared breakfast. We were supposed to meet grandma at lunch and then visit Mikoto in the afternoon. I was more excited for the last one, as grandmother always insisted on imparting some kind of knowledge, not that that was a problem in itself, but having to act stupid every single time…tedious.