Chapter 13

.

One of the hardest parts of life

is deciding whether

to walk away or try harder

.

Sam yawned.

It'd been four long hours since Dean had woken up. And all that time Sam sat beside him, not going anywhere. But now he was hungry.

Sam heard his stomach demanding for food for the second time in the last ten minutes.

"Okay, okay," Sam mumbled quietly. He stood up and looked at Dean for a moment. He really didn't want to leave his brother alone. 'But nothing will happen in a few minutes, right? Dean has been peacefully sleeping all this time, not even flinching a bit, so why should he now?' Sam thought, and quickly headed to the kitchen.

.

Dean was dreaming.

He was running and running in the woods, before he reached a building. It was a small wooden house, surrounded by a white fence and high oak trees, with a garden in front, and a green lawn. Under one of the trees there was a wooden bench, just waiting for someone to sit on it and relax. It looked charming.

Dean halted and stood. He was surprised, that little house looked like it was straight out of a fairy tale and so deep in the woods, it was almost impossible to believe it was real. That was strange, but he was tired of endless running, so he didn't question it much and just went through the garden, and sat on the bench.

A gentle breeze blew on his face.

Dean closed his eyes; it was so quiet and peaceful around, sun was shining, it was a warm and sunny summer day. It felt like nothing bad could happen in this magical place and shouldn't have that alerted him? for some damn reason, it didn't.

Dean didn't know how long he was sitting there, when suddenly the weather went cold.

He opened his eyes.

Sun wasn't shining anymore and instead, there were dark clouds all over the sky; even the breeze was cold and wintry, more like the beginning of a storm. Everything around was blank and it all looked dead.

"You can't escape from me, Dean" said a very cold spiteful voice.

Dean froze for a second before he turned around to face the person possessing the voice.

"You're not real. You're dead. You can't be here." Dean said, trying to hide the raising panic in his voice.

Alastair smiled.

"Of course I can, Dean-o. In fact, not only I can be here, I also am very real. Just for you.' He stepped closer. 'And how'd you even know I'm really dead? You couldn't know for sure, can you?" he smiled again.

Dean stood up and pulled the knife from his pocket.

"You're not real" he said again, his voice losing the brave tone from before.

"But you're not sure, are you?' demon stepped closer once again, while Dean stepped back. 'C'mon, why are you running from me, huh? You know you'll never get that far, I'll always find you, wherever you try and hide from me."

Dean was staring at the scene in front of him with utter disbelief. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be real.

"And still, you don't wanna believe that I'm real, Dean? Well, I am real. To you. That's enough for both of us, isn't it?" Alastair asked, smirking. "C'mon, we spend so much time together. In Hell. Don't tell me you didn't like it, Dean, because you did. You knew, you were right where you'd always belonged. I mean, you still think that you deserve to burn in Hell, am I right, Dean?"

The Winchester felt anger crawling up at him.

"You shut your pie hole, Alastair. I'm not in Hell, not anymore. And you're dead; you can do nothing to me. you hear me you son of a bitch? Nothing."

"Are you sure?" now Alastair was only five feet away from Dean and wasn't that just sickening. "I've told you before, I am real in your head, which means, I can do all I want. And there's no one to stop me, no Cas to stop me from killing you, and no Sam to kill me." Alastair smirked and put a hand on Dean's shoulder as he shivered from the touch. "It's just you and me now, Dean."

Dean stared at Alastair silently, his chest taking in oxygen and his mind racing. It didn't take him long to decide and stab the demon with his knife.

Alastair stepped back, Ruby's knife buried in his chest. It had done nothing to him, there weren't even drops of blood staining the shirt, and now Dean was really starting to panic, watching as the demon pulled the knife out of his heart very slowly.

"Well, well, Dean, you wanna play in a nasty way? And why are you so surprised, huh?" he asked with a little smirk. "Deep down you already know, the only one who can get hurt in this place… is you."

Dean couldn't move; he stood there frozen, staring at what his mind was feeding him. What he'd witnessed a few seconds ago wasn't promising, not to him anyways. He'd stabbed Alastair with the demon knife, and it hadn't done any harm. He was screwed to god's pit.

Suddenly a huge lightning flashed across the dark cloudy sky.

"Let's have some fun, Dean, shall we?" Alastair said with a low and dangerous tone.

Dean wanted to step back, but he seemed to be stuck, screwed to the ground under his feet. The demon appeared in front of him and stabbed him hard in the right shoulder.

Dean screamed in pain and shock, falling to the ground. He wanted nothing more than to get away from the pain, from Alastair, but that just wasn't going to happen.

Alastair smirked bigger and pushed the knife in his flesh deeper, making Dean scream in even more agony.

"Oh, c'mon, Dean, this is just the beginning, and you know it well." Alastair pull out the knife and put it in Dean's other shoulder. "You know, Sam still hates you" he said quietly, watching as disbelief and fear flashed through the Winchester's face, shadowing those green eyes for a moment.

"He doesn't." Dean spat out.

Alastair laughed and twisted knife again.

"Oh, he does, Dean. You see, he's tired of that burden, to take care of you, to watch out for your sorry ass, he's tired of it. He said that he doesn't hate you, but you know what? Sam lied. He only said that because he wanted to leave you as soon as possible, Dean. Admit it, you're just a burden to him. It'll be better if you just leave him alone, huh?" the demon said, enjoying the pain that crossed over Dean's pale face.

For a moment Dean hesitated, but finally asked him:

"So why the hell did he save me, huh? Why didn't he just let me die?"

The demon laughed.

"Isn't it obvious? He wants to see how you suffer, he is enjoying it!" now he was twisting the knife through Dean's chest, while Dean screamed again. He was just surprised, how he wasn't dead from the blood loss and wounds yet. But he felt something break inside of him, when Alastair said those words. They sounded like truth, but he didn't want to believe them.

"You're lying" he whispered.

"Am I?" Alastair asked again, staring at Dean, who had started to shake heavily. "Look at yourself, boy, you're a mess. You are worse now than you were when you got out of hell. Hell had messed you up, but somehow, you'd locked all that pain, all that misery deep inside of yourself. And you've been doing that for years, every time someone hurt you, every single time! And now look where it's led you" he pointed at him. "You finally exploded! And now there's no use in keeping you alive, not to Sammy."

Dean let out a painful gasp.

"I'm gonna… kill you."

The demon laughed again.

"Boy, the only person you can kill… is you."

Dean looked at him.

"Go to Hell."

Alastair smiled, eyes sparkling dangerously.

"With pleasure."

Dean let out relieved breath when Alastair disappeared from his view, but it didn't last long as seconds later all he knew was white hot pain running through his system. He screamed at the top of his lungs, falling to the ground, tears rolling down his face. He felt like back in Hell again. And then he heard the demon speak again.

"You know you deserve this, Dean, there's no escape for you this time. After all you did, you deserve this pain, deserve every second of it!" Alastair's voice rang through his ears, sending more pain to him. "You ran away from me once, but you will not run away this time, because you can't run away from yourself!" The voice started to laugh uncontrollably, then again, started to torture Dean with words. "They hate you, Dean! Both, Cas and Sammy, your little brother you love so much, they hate you!" Dean heard Sam's voice inside of his head screaming 'I hate you, Dean! I. hate. You!' and then Alastair talked again. "They want you dead! You ruined their lives, just like you ruin everything! None of this would have happened if you'd stayed in Hell like you should have! None of this! You are truly pathetic, you worthless piece of…"

"ENOUGH!"

Everything stopped.

Dean blinked a few times, forcing some air in his starving lungs, still on the ground; bloody, tired, exhausted from that agony he'd just been through. Now there was no pain running through him, just slightly itching, no Alastair, no voice, there was nothing, just… silence.

Something, someone just interrupted all of it.

"Enough." that voice said again with a low, yet dangerous tone and it sounded familiar to Dean.

"Says who?" asked Alastair, again in front of a gasping Dean, blocking the view.

"Me."

Finally Dean recognized the voice.

"Cas?" he asked, not believing his eyes.

The angel looked Dean in the eyes, sky blue meeting green ones, and said:

"Yes, Dean, it's me. And it's time for you to wake up now."

Dean didn't move, but Alastair stepped towards Castiel.

"No way, angel, Dean stays right here, with me, where he knows he belongs and gets what he deserves."

Castiel's face turned angry.

"He is not where he belongs. He belongs with us, with me and with Sam. This is all happening in his head and you're not even real. So, step out of my way."

Alastair didn't move a flinch, smirking wider.

"That's for Dean to decide." He turned his face so he could look Dean in the eye. "Whatdya say, boy? You know that you deserve this, right?" he asked, his smirk evident in his voice.

Castiel stepped closer, trying to get Dean's attention.

"Dean, do not listen to him, he's lying!" he shouted. "You belong with us, Dean; you don't deserve any of this. Believe ME." He almost pleaded when Dean didn't turn his gaze off Alastair. "Please, Dean."

Finally, Dean turned his eyes to meet the angel's again.

Castiel didn't like what he saw in the Winchester's eyes; real or not, Alastair had messed with his head again.

"Dean, please. You have to believe me; you need to wake up from this! None of this is real, it's just a dream! All you have to do is wake up!"

Dean stared at him for a long moment, still not sure of what to do. He wanted to go with Cas, but he deserved to be punished. After what seemed like an eternal battle, he finally made his choice.

"What should I do?" he asked quietly, looking at the angel.

Castiel smiled brightly and walked towards Dean.

"Just take my hand and let me lead you out of here."

Dean didn't turn his gaze from the angel eyes, scared, that if he did, everything would disappear and he'd be back in hell again.

Alastair screamed furiously.

"Nooo! He'll stay here!" he shouted, running towards them.

Cas raised his hand and Alastair flew straight into a tree and slumped on the grass.

Castiel gently picked Dean up from the ground and embraced him around the waist, helping him walk.

"You can't keep him outta here for long, Castiel" Alastair whispered back at him. "Eventually, he'll come back. And then he'll die. And you will watch him die" he warned.

"He won't. I won't let him. We won't let him fall back again, "he promised, looking at Alastair furiously .

"He will fall again." the demon smirked again.

"That is not for you to decide." Cas said, heading towards the exit with a barely walking Dean.

"But it's not yours to either."

With that, everything went dark.

.

Sam came back from the kitchen five minutes later and saw Dean almost falling out of the bed.

"Dean!" he shouted and grabbed his falling brother, laying him safely on the bed again.

Dean cried out in pain.

"Dean!" Sam shouted again, shaking him, but nothing happened; Dean's eyes were still closed and he was clearly in pain.

The younger Winchester started to panic.

Dean was white as a sheet.

"Dean! Please, don't do this to me, man, c'mon, wake up!" Sam pleaded tearfully, his own hunger forgotten.

Dean didn't react to his voice or shaking, just let out another painful cry.

Sam didn't know what else to do, so he prayed for Castiel to show up immediately.

"Sam? What is it? Is it… oh God…" Cas showed up after a few seconds and looked at Sam before his eyes fell on Dean.

"Cas? What's wrong with him? I can't wake him up!" Sam shouted at the angel, panicking, tears in his eyes already.

"Sam, please calm down!" Cas asked and headed straight to Dean. Then placed a palm on his forehead. "He's burning up." he added.

"What? No, he didn't have any fever ten minutes ago!" Sam protested.

"Then it's the effect of his current state, nightmare or whatever you call it."

"Wait, so he's having a nightmare?" Sam almost laughed. "You're kidding me, right?"

"I am not kidding you, Sam." Angel turned his face to Sam. "It's not a normal nightmare where you wake up at the scariest part of it, this is… it's like he's locked in his own Hell with no chances to get out of it. And it's literally hurting him."

All signs of smiling on younger Winchester's face were replaced with worry and fear again.

"What do you mean 'locked in his own Hell?'" he asked.

Castiel let out a deep breath.

"It means, that Dean is locked in his own mind, that dream or whatever, and everything he sees is real to him. And no matter how much pain he feels, no matter how much he's hurting, he can't wake up from it. And in his current state, it's hurting his soul."

Sam paled.

"So what the hell should we do?" he almost screamed, eyes wide open with fear of what could happen.

"I'm gonna help him outta here, I have to lead him out from that place. I have to convince him to go with me."

"Okay. Wait… out of what place?" Sam asked with hard voice, demanding Cas to answer. "Cas, what is he seeing?"

"There's no time for this."

"Cas!"

Angel let out a deep breath and said quickly:

"He's seeing Alastair and he's torturing him. Again. Also, he's hearing you screaming at him 'I hate you'." Cas placed his hand on Dean again. "Now shut up and be ready. I'll try to get him out of there, but I don't know what state he'll be in. Don't interrupt me." With that he closed his eyes and started saving mission.

Dean went quiet.

.

Sam waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Just ten minutes had passed, but for Sam it looked like an hour or more.

Castiel retreated from Dean and Dean gasped loudly. It looked like he couldn't get enough air in his lungs and he coughed.

"Dean? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man, you okay?" Sam immediately ran over Dean and grabbed his slightly shaking hand in his, demanding for attention.

Dean stopped coughing and slumped back at the pillow, looking a little exhausted.

"Sam?" he asked with disbelief.

"Yeah, man, it's me and Cas is over there. How are you, Dean?" he asked again, worriedly.

Dean stared at him for a second and said "I'm fine." Then searched the room looking for Cas.

"Dean, you are not fine." Castiel said, stepping into Dean's view. "If you can't even sleep without nightmares like this, I'll help you sleep. Because not sleeping does nothing good for your health."

Dean said nothing just stared at them, first at Sam, then at Cas, and finally turn his gaze into his lap.

'Just leave me alone" he mumbled leaning back on a pillow in a half-sitting position.

Sam and Cas shared a gaze.

"No, Dean, we're not going anywhere." Sam stepped closer and sat on the bed. "You like it or not, I'm not going anywhere before we talk."

"Oh, now he wants to talk." Dean mumbled. "Talk to Cas if y'want to talk."

Dean knew that he's acting like a jerk, but he wanted to send Sammy away; away from him, away from everything. He just wanted him to be happy. And he believed what Alastair in his dream said, that he's just a burden to Sam. He truly believed that.

And Sam saw it; he saw straight through Dean, he knew what his brother was thinking.

"Dean, listen. I know what you doing here and it won't work. I'm not going anywhere like I've already told you before. Not now, not after a month, not ever." Sam gently put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "I know you've been through a lot lately and I know it wasn't easy for you. But you gotta keep fighting, Dean…"

"Who says I want to?" Dean said with tearful voice, finally raising his eyes to meet Sam's. "I'm tired of it, alright? I just want it to finally end, that's it. Is that too much to ask?" he asked, tears in his eyes, but still looking at Sam.

Sam felt his own eyes filling with tears after Dean's words.

"Dean, when you choose to go with me back there, you also choose to fight." Castiel said, stepping closer. "And it doesn't look to me, that you're fighting."

"Damn right, Cas, I'm not!" Dean shouted at loud, couldn't hold back tears anymore, which were streaming down his face now and crashing in his lap. "I'm tired of this endless fighting, tired for ruining all the things up, I'm just tired of it! All I'm doing these past few months is just waisting damn oxygen, nothing more! I-I can't do this anymore, alright? I-I…" Dean ran out of breath and started shaking heavily.

'Dean, Dean, hey, calm down, just breath, nice and slow, man, in and out…" Sam immediately was by his side and tried to calm him down. "C'mon, man, breath, before you pass out, in and out, c'mon…" he said with soft voice, which was calming his brother in a matter of seconds. "That's it, bro, wasn't that hard, was it?" Sam smiled timidly. "Now drink some water and lay down, alright? Just lie down, don't fight me."

Dean said nothing just listened to Sam's voice and did like he was told to.

Then Sam turned to Cas and said:

"Get some extra blankets, will you? He's shivering a little."

Cas nodded and walked out through the door instead of vanishing.

Sam turned his attention to Dean again, who looked pretty exhausted after his breakdown.

"Look, Dean, I know you want to protect me, but you gotta understand me too, "he squeezed Dean's hand to get his attention. "I want you to be safe too. I want you to be happy and I don't ever want to see any of your fiasco like few days before, alright?"

Dean just blinked, but kept quiet.

"And I know that all this stuff, everything is total chaos in your head right now, and it's messing with you. It says a lot nasty things to you, but they're ain't true, Dean. You are not useless, you are not burden, you never were and you never will be." Sam talked still looking straight into Dean's eyes and seeing all the pain he'd been through, his heart shivered from sadness. "You're my big brother, Dean, and I will always, always be here for you and with you. And I-I love you, no matter what." Sam said, feeling his own tears running down his face now. Somehow, room felt lighter after his words.

Dean still said nothing, but didn't turn his gaze anywhere else.

"But you have to promise me something, Dean." Sam said.

Dean blinked few times and asked quietly: "What?"

"You gotta promise me, that you'll keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets, you will keep fighting." Sam said, and then added: "For me."

Dean glanced at him, not saying anything, but Sam saw something in his eyes that wasn't there before. Then he exclaimed:

"I'll try, Sammy."

For his little brother, for Sammy, Dean was ready to do anything; to claim into Hell and back if he had to.

Castiel came back with the blankets.

"Lie down, Dean, get some rest." Sam said softly, putting extra blankets on Dean.

Just before Cas touched his forehead and send him to a peaceful rest, Dean looked at Sam and said: "Thank you, Sammy."

And then he was asleep.

Sam didn't turn his gaze from his older brother, still wondering, what was that strange thing in his eyes, that he hadn't seen in a very, very long time.

And then, suddenly, he understood.

That feeling, that emotion, that little light in Dean's eyes…

It was hope.