Jack had sat beside the snivelling Doctor quietly and tried to comfort him by stroking his uncontrollably twitching back.

He hadn't quite understood the meaning of all this; neither did he knew what the Doctor had been talking about. But he felt even dumber in the lingering, thick silence.

Not knowing what your conversational partner says is one thing but not knowing what to reply is the other. And Jack felt that whatever he would say it would only make things worse.

The Doctor found his voice first again and tried helplessly wiping away the tears.

"Is Martha somewhere around here?"
Jack shook his head.
"Should I call for her?"
The Doctor went on unimpressed, as if he hadn't even heard Jack's reply.
"Did she tell you where she put the bottles with the meds?"

Jack looked around in the kitchen and finally discovered them to be standing near the sink.

"Which one?" asked Jack. The Doctor didn't bother looking up.

"Three of the small white ones. It's the..."

"...the blue bottle, I know. And squeeze before twisting."

Jack scuffed over to the sink and picked up the blue bottle.

"She gave you instructions?"

It was more of a reproach than a question.
The Doctor's voice was cold as ice. And somehow it sounded too dark and too old to be real. Or to dead to even be alive anymore...

Jack wouldn't find the right words to reply fast enough.

"Never mind" mumbled the Doctor and placed the three small white capsules Jack had given him on the desk. His trembling fingers tossed them around uneasily.

"I never wanted to die" mumbled the Doctor in that strange voice again; Jack sat down beside him and placed and arm around his back carefully. The Doctor twitched but otherwise wouldn't comment Jack's presence.
"I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted it to come to a proper end. But no one wanted to end it for me. No one would talk, no one would give away a secret, not on Gallifrey..."

The Doctor raised his head slowly and leaned back in his seat, grief and forlornness coasting freely in his eyes.

"It was a fine place, really, Jack. I wish you could have seen it. Secrets were kept. And promises weren't meant to be broken."
The Doctor chuckled quietly. His stare was as hollow as a starless sky. But a lot darker. Jack found himself getting lost in the Doctor's dismal eyes.

"Ms Reprics had been mad... oh she had been so mad at both me and Koschei. Believing that Koschei had cut me open... and the headmaster blamed her, can you believe that? He said that she was to blame because she had threatened both of us to cut me open as a punishment... and Koschei was mad... he was so mad... who knows, he might have even done it? What do you think Jack?"

Jack fondled the Doctor's shoulders tenderly but froze when he caught a glimpse of the Doctor's eyes.

They were the wrong colour.
The dark and glistening hazel had been chased away by an unsettled greyish-blue. Jack couldn't stop himself from staring at the Doctor's eyes.

The Doctor's eyes reached a teacup on the small kitchen table and he picked it up immediately to observe his face throughout the last remainders of an earl grey.

He shrugged and tried wiping away the desiccating tears.

"I never liked tea very much" sighed the Doctor and put the cp down to face Jack again.

Jack shifted a bit uneasy. He had heard a lot about Time Lords, and he had heard a lot of strange things over the past few days coming from especially this Time Lord in front of him; but changing the colour of one's eyes after waking up from a dreadful fever was something he hadn't heard before.

The Doctor became gloomy again while staring at the dark liquid in the cup.

"Ms Reprics had been blamed for my injury. And Koschei wouldn't have denied hurting me, he never did. Though, this time it hadn't been his fault... well, technically it had been his fault, entirely his fault indeed, forcing me into a pregnancy, causing the trouble at the academy by stealing the book, being mainly responsible for the whole 'tying-your-legs-together-at-night'-thing... But you know, Jack? I never blamed him. I never even talked to him again. Not properly. I replied his vicious little remarks promptly with something that would rush through my mind... but I never spoke to him again, not him. Did you get that?"

At first Jack raised his head a bit and waited; he didn't know if the Doctor had actually addressed him. And after coming to the conclusion that he had just been asked a question Jack didn't dare to nod; neither did he dare to shake his head.
His still wouldn't get what this was all about, if the Doctor was talking about a nightmare, a dream or his past, what happened, who was who and what he got to do with all this and why the Doctor expected a reply from him.
The Doctor looked up again and Jack felt his bright eyes melding with the Doctor's dark hazel iris once more.

"You know, Jack... he was never my Koschei. Not ever again. I couldn't trust him. I had never trusted him. And I would never ever try to come near him, to be near him. I didn't want to get comfortable near him. I couldn't stand him."

Jack nodded his ascent to whatever the Doctor had just said. He sighed quietly and kissed the Doctor's neck. Why could he never know what was going on?

The Doctor took a sip of the tea. He shook his head gently before pulling a wry face. He picked up the capsules and placed them on his tongue before giving the teacup in front of him a reluctant glare.

"Can I bring you something else?" asked Jack and was about to jump from his seat, but the Doctor grabbed his hand firmly and shook head.

"It's alright Jack... he'll get used to it... well, we'll get used to it... well, I'm already used to it, but he isn't and if he's planning on staying awake a little while longer he's got to learn that drinking tea can also be considered normal for Time Lords."

The Doctor grabbed the cup forcefully and emptied it in one go. Jack would have cocked an eyebrow at the Doctor but...
The Doctor's mournful cries just wouldn't find their ways out of his skull. And the dwelling ignorance was driving him mad.

"Who 'he'?" snapped Jack all of a sudden. The Doctor stared at him starry-eyed. His mouth was still slightly ajar.

"Who's 'he', what is 'he' doing inside of you and why is 'he' not used to tea?"

"There wasn't much tea on Gallifrey" replied the Doctor and sighed "but there's got to be plenty more teabags in the Tardis so would you be so kind as to make some more tea, Jack?"

Jack arose and walked towards the cabinets in the kitchen. After protruding several devices of dubious origin and usefulness he found something that looked the closest to an electric cattle.

He plugged in the octagonal connector and folded his arms while facing the Doctor again.

"And who is 'he'?" repeated Jack his question.

"He's me" replied the Doctor "just a bit younger... and quite dead."

"Dead?" Jack mouthed the word again before stepping closer to the Doctor "How can he be dead?"

"He died" was the Doctor's cold-hearted answer "he took his own life. So yes, he was me and I took my own life; not all lives of mine were ended with a natural cause, like getting shot in the back by a Dalek or having an angry mob of Draconians pour a cauldron filled with liquid metal over your head. Sometimes a Time Lord has to die without dignity, simply ending it himself when he can't take it anymore. And I know that it's a bad thing to do and that it's a bad thing to say. But I can't help it, it happened nonetheless."

Jack sat down beside the Doctor without daring to raise his voice again.

"It wasn't even a proper ending" mumbled the Doctor and rested his elbows on the table while placing his head in his hands "nothing spectacular, really. But..."

The Doctor sighed again and shifted a bit uneasy. His eyes were gleaming with gloominess

"I never thought I'd make it another day. After I had returned from my parents home... I had found nothing there. Just nothing! My father had promised me that he would take care of the child but I found him alone in the house. And I didn't dare to ask him. I was too shocked... I figured I wouldn't want to know what he'd done to it... After hearing its screams, its never ending screams..."

The Doctor placed his hands over his ears again and sobbed. Tears welled up in those sad hazel eyes and Jack felt his heart drop when the weary Doctor looked up to him before burying his face in his hands.

"I hadn't even wanted to know what he'd done to it. I hadn't dared to ask. He had taken care of it. There had been a problem and my father had taken care of it... well, I never thought I'd make it back to the academy. But I did. And I never thought I'd make it through one of Ms Reprics lessons again. But I managed that, too..."

The Doctor sighed and leaned back in his chair, unimaginable strange pictures dancing in front of his eyes.

"I lasted a month. A whole month I pulled myself together with a mind as blank as a cup of a fine tea set and though my mind was still circling around the same question... I don't know how I made it. I can't tell you Jack. Seriously. And it wasn't as if I was planning something, or if I was constantly thinking about suicide... I never thought much. I had stopped thinking after my father had managed to cut my upper abdomen open to protrude a child... I never thought about it much..."

Jack felt his stomach turning into a knot and stood up to pour some hot water into a kettle he had made available. He watched the water changing colour; he felt that he had needed something to distract him.

"That day I had... call it suicide, call it self-inflicted death, call it whatever you like... well, I personally always liked the German term 'Freitod' while as it means suicide, it combines both words 'free' and 'death' into a word stating 'death of your own free will'... always found that quite fascinating..."

Jack looked the Doctor in the eye and nodded, more out of fright than out of approval.

"Oh, and you don't commit 'Freitod'. It's 'Freitod wählen' you chose the death of your own free will... and that's what I did. I chose it. I had made my choice."

The Doctor waited cautiously before Jack placed the cup in front of him.

"That day had been terrible... in fact all days had been terrible since I had run away from my parent's home at night for the second time during the same month. And I remember being in my room and staring at the ceiling and desperately wondering what the child could have looked like. And then my window opened and Koschei climbed in, watching me with curious eyes and then... well, you know Koschei. No, I mean of course you didn't, but he did what he always did; he exploited me to his own benefits, meaning he tied me down to the bed and violated my body several times before leaving the room again. I hadn't even offered resistance... I had simply succumbed to my fate..."

Jack felt his intestines turning again and rushed over to the sink before throwing up. The Doctor hardly even noticed his absence beside him.

"But Reprics... Ms Reprics had already awaited me in her library, ordering me to drag around useless books. She had seen my weary and pain struck eyes but she had welcomed me with nothing but: "Tupped by Koschei again, weren't we? My dear thing, if you don't stop casting his young you won't have time to study between the bastardies."

And after that she had shoved me into a room and beaten me up for getting her into trouble for cutting myself free from that child.
And then I had run into my room. And after becoming sick of the stench of sweat and semen in my room I had climbed onto the roof. But I had found nothing there. And the questions inside of my head had driven me insane.
It wasn't night, it wasn't beautiful, it was a sky draped in clouds and nothing more. It didn't start to rain, the sun wouldn't disappear nor was their lightning at the horizon and of course no thunder rolling in the distance. It wasn't atmospheric. It was simply a grey and boring day.
And then I climbed back into my room.
I didn't slip.
I didn't jump.
I simply dropped out of the window."

Jack stopped coughing and raised his head out of the sink after washing his face as well as the rest of his head. Panting he walked over to the Doctor who looked up to him full of expectation. Jack cleared his throat; he found it obvious that the Doctor needed some kind of encouragement to proceed and therefore he mumbled between heavy breaths: "And then?"

"I regenerated" was the Doctor's blunt answer before he took another sip of his tea. "And that was it. Theta's death, a new Time Lord to be born. That's it. That was simply all."

The Doctor became aware of Jack's distressed stare and went on in a cheery voice: "Oh, but don't worry about him. He's still there. Save and sound in my head. A small voice in my head, indeed. Well, you know the old saying: Sometimes you have to die twice before you die."

Jack thought about it for a moment. Then he shook his head.

"Was this common on Gallifrey?"
"What?" replied the Doctor.
"That you have to die twice before dying properly... was it this way on Gallifrey?"
The Doctor shook his head.
"No, I thought... don't you say that on earth? You don't? Blimey, where did I get that from?"

The Doctor chuckled and patted Jack's back before helping himself to some more tea.

"And sorry again for rambling on about my life" sighed the Doctor after hours of dead silence.

Jack was still pale. His face hadn't found its colour again and the Doctor started to wonder if it had decided on staying like this forever.

"Got a bit distracted there, you know... lost in my thoughts and such... inner voice trying to take over, Theta trying to kill me... you know, that kind of thing... nothing we haven't experienced ourselves, have we?" chuckled the Doctor before catching a glimpse of Jack's facial expression again. He shrugged and sipped his tea.

"You were raped?" asked Jack cautiously.

The Doctor shrugged.
"Several times I assume" he retorted without batting an eye. Jack shook his head.

Jack felt the annoying silence spreading again; there was no way of stopping her except by asking:
"And the child? Did you... would you ever... I mean was it..."

The Doctor looked up again.

"The child?" he repeated and cocked an eyebrow at Jack "What child?"

"The child... you were talking about... a child... your child... did you ever get to...?" Jack asked cautiously and wondered when the Doctor's mood would change again.

But there was nothing to come.

"Oh, that child" was the Doctor's answer before adding: "It was a boy. Well, boy would have been too nice... it was a brat!"
Jack stared at the Doctor in bewilderment.
"It was the first of many children... there were a lot more to follow... well, I didn't carry them... well, at least not all of them, I think... well, I can't even tell you how many those had been in the end, you know, somewhat after six or seven you simply lose track of them..."

"Seven children?" asked Jack and raised his brows as the Doctor.

"Possibly more...don't ask me."
"And the first child..."
"The boy was nothing but a rascal... And I had to deal with him myself. My parents would tell me about him after... you know the incident with the window and me spurting my guts over the courtyard of the academy... well, I don't think they really spurted, wouldn't work like this I guess."

"Your parents heard about it?" wondered Jack.

"Well yes... why shouldn't they... I mean I know that you had schools or groups or pods or whatever they used to call it in the fifty-first century but... wouldn't they let the parents know if anything had happened to their children?"

Jack nodded immediately. "Of course they would."
"Then what did you ask me for, Jack?"
"I just tried to be conversational."

The Doctor sighed.
"Jack, you're an idiot."
"I know" replied Jack and went looking for another cup.

"I guess my parents were quite shocked... they saw me with different eyes... and a different face... and different hair... well, Koschei never showed much interest in me again. I wouldn't let myself get pushed around by him, not anymore. And he wasn't quite satisfied with that.
I wasn't allowed to bring the boy to the academy... but I did it nonetheless. It's never too early to start with education, is it?"
The Doctor smiled again. Jack sat down beside him after admitting defeat in his search for another teacup.
"And the boy... you raised him yourself...?"
"Of course. Months later I would have wished my father would have taken real care of him if you know what I mean" chuckled the Doctor "Gosh, that brat was even worse than me."
"And its..." Jack searched for the right words. It wouldn't sound appropriate to ask for the child's father if the Doctor had been its father; but the Doctor had giving birth to it... in a way... but calling the Doctor its mother wouldn't sound right, either.

"There had been someone else involved in its procreating, has it?"

"Involved in its procreation..." repeated the Doctor in a mocking tone "I never would have believed to hear something like this coming from a human being's mouth, especially not from a human being from the fifty-first century."
Jack stared at him with pleading eyes.
The Doctor sighed.
"Yes, it was Koschei's child."

"And Kosce... Kooo... Koschtsch..." after a couple of attempts Jack was close to giving in.
"Koschei" the Doctor nearly cut him off.
Jack sighed and decided on skipping the name.
"And he never knew about his son?"

"No, I don't think so... well, I don't know... well, how should I know, he was mad, he is still mad I assume, I never knew what he was thinking and, well...Why should he care?"

Jack shrugged.

"Any more questions?" asked the Doctor.
Jack shook his head.
The Doctor nodded.
"You have no idea what I have been talking about the past few hours, have you?"

Jack shifted a bit uneasy. "Not quite" he replied "and I'm not sure if I want to find out."

The Doctor chuckled.

After a while Jack dared to break the silence once more.

"Doctor?"
"Yes, Jack."
"Have you really been mistaking me for Martha?"
"Yes, Jack. I'm sorry. But I was in a life or death struggle over my consciousness. So I guess you can forgive me that one, can't you Jack?"
"Of course, Doctor" mumbled Jack.

"And I guess you will forgive me that I called you by girls names only" sighed the Doctor
Jack nodded before giving it some thought.

"Selahkeana... you called me Selahkeana..."
"Yes, Jack" replied the Doctor and arose from his seat.
"Isn't that a Silurian name?" wondered Jack.

The Doctor owned him a reply.
"A Silurian? You travelled with a Silurian?"

"There's nothing wrong with having a lovely Silurian girl as your companion" retorted the Doctor and looked at Jack with folded arms "and I don't think that I have to explain anything to a human being from the first century, and under no circumstances I have to justify myself."

"So... how many Silurians did you give birth to, Doctor?"

"Silurians aren't born, they hatch. Don't you know anything about aliens? And you work for Torchwood?"
The Doctor left the kitchen accompanied by Jack. The Doctor nudged him in the ribs after thinking about Jack's words for the second time.

"Shame on you, Jack."

Author's Note:

Thanks to all of you who have reviewed/favourited/followed this story!

I sure hope you like it. Please let me know how you like the ending.

If there's anything to discuss (or if I haven't made myself clear; if you want to complain about the story, the characters or the author himself...) feel free to send me a personal message.

I don't know if anyone would be interested in reading another Theta/Koschei story, but let me know if you do.

And thanks again for all the support and the reviews. I'll be really missing reading them everyday :)

So, special thanks to Mabudachi-Trio and Lastsyns! Thank you so much! :D