Story tag to 4/21

A/N: Uh, okay. I hope this makes sense (it's kind of supposed to not make sense but anyhoo). Just a little drabble I wrote because I was rewatching season four and thought about what was running through Sam's mind inside the panic room. Keep in mind that during this story Sam's had lots of sleep deprivation and dehydration so he's a wreck. Okay, enough said. Enjoy!

Edit as of my writing & posting chapter six- I'm not sure what the heckie happened but this ain't a drabble anymore, folks. Uh, it sort of grew wings and flew away with me...so yeah. It has an actual plotline now, which is cool. So you should read it even more now. Okay. Yeah. Carry on. (resists urge to continue that phrase)

-Jaq

TRIGGER WARNING- PLEASE READ- I do mention suicide in this fic, as well as suicidal thoughts. IF THIS HAS THE POTENTIAL TO TRIGGER YOU THEN I URGE YOU NOT TO READ THIS! Thank you.

There was a time before the room; Sam's pretty sure of that.

Because he remembers sitting in the passenger seat

Of an old black car

The car that Dean called his baby

And Sam was listening to Metallica and he was humming along and Sam didn't even like Metallica because wasn't the point of music to be singing and not screaming

But Dean liked Metallica so Sam did, too, sort of, and that was why he was humming.

Dean

Dean was Sam's brother and Sam's best friend and Sam's family and Sam's rock and sometimes (no, always, always) Sam's hero and Sam didn't know what happened

Because

Now Dean wasn't there wasn't there and Sam was in the room with the lumpy bed and Dean had shackled him to the lumpy bed and Sam didn't know what happened but Dean wasn't his friend and he almost wasn't his brother but he was still his hero (sometimes. Sometimes Sam didn't want a hero anymore).

Sam wondered when he started thinking in third person, and wasn' t that a sign of insanity

No

I

I

I

I am not Sam because Dean loves Sam Dean wants Sam Dean doesn't want Sam dead or chained to a bed in the room dying slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, no water or food, no, it turns to blood, slowly

Sam thinks maybe it was when Dean died that Sam started to mess up (so badly, Sam messed up so, so badly) but maybe it was before that maybe it was when Sam was a baby and Azazel fed him demon blood and maybe Sam is just messed up from the inside and there's nothing Sam can do because I am not Sam am I?

Because usually when Sam was hurt then Dean came and made it better (no, always, because even though Dean is not a miracle healer he tries his best always ALWAYS and that makes Sam know that it is going to be okay)

Or he tried but he couldn't even do anything and that was when Sam knew (for sure, not for maybe, everything here is maybe but this is for sure)

Sam knew he had messed up so badly even Dean couldn't fix it and Dean could fix anything

Dean was Batman

Because Sam remembers as a kid being scared of the Joker (because Sam doesn't like clowns and Dean didn't make fun of him instead Dean became Batman) and wanting (no, needing) a Batman to help him because even though Batman isn't real there are things that Sam is scared of that are real and so he needs a Batman and Dean was Batman and he got the Joker every time Sam got scared (Dean got rid of the bad guys)

Sam wonders when he stopped telling Dean what he was afraid of (because sometimes Sam is afraid of himself)

Wonders if Dean cares if Dean was still his Batman if Dean is even STILL DEAN because Sam is not me. Sam I am not. (and is Dean still Batman because right now Sam needs a Batman)

Third person again

Maybe Sam is going insane

Maybe he is already insane and his whole life is a delusion and there is no Dean and no Batman and no humming along to Metallica (which maybe he likes more than he would admit to Dean) and no no no no no no no no

This was real

Sam was handcuffed to a lumpy bed

No

I AM CUFFED TO A LUMPY BED

Sam is not me

Sam was happy and he was kind and he liked dogs and he had a Batman and maybe he liked it a little bit when Dean would hum Metallica off-tune

I am a monster

And monsters don't need Batman monsters get taken down by Batman

And Sam realizes

(no, I realize)

I'm the Joker

A/N 2: Well...I hope that made sense (sort of)! Pretty please, leave a review? Tell me what you thought of anything- the style, the annoying Italics, the third person/first person weirdness, anything...they make my day :). Now, you can either stop reading here, or you can continue into what I've made an AU. Thanks!

-Jaq