Things I shall not do on Voyager

Inspired by: 'Things I shall not do at Hogwarts' and the Star Trek: Voyager series

Naomi Wildman gets a lesson she didn't expect when she discovers a hidden file on Voyager's systems.

…..

Voyager had been calm for weeks; they were travelling through an empty region of space with nothing more than a few rogue asteroids to worry about. For many of the crew, this was a time to relax and catch up on long-forgotten paperwork. For some, it was a chance to chase down the attractive crewman they'd been admiring for weeks. For a few, it was a chance to gain command experience as the senior staff began to leave the juniors in charge. But for Naomi Wildman, it was boring as hell.

One day, when Seven had finally finished Naomi's lesson, the young girl decided to try and find something to do. At first, she considered exploring the Jeffrey's Tubes, but that idea had to be aborted when Tom saw her.

"No you don't, missy!" he laughed, pulling her out of the tube and setting her on her feet. "You could slip on a ladder and plunge to your death."

Naomi scowled at him.

"Oh, that's not very nice," Tom frowned, pretending to be hurt.

The young girl rolled her eyes and sighed. Tom was trying to make her laugh, she was sure, but she was desperate to keep her face as angry as possible. This only made the lieutenant laugh more, and she glared at him.

"It's not funny," she growled. "It's so boring."

Tom laughed,

"Can't you play with Neelix? Go talk to Seven? Play Katis-Kot with someone?"

Naomi stuck her bottom lip out slightly.

"No," she shook her head, "Neelix is busy, and so is Seven. They've got paperwork to write up. All I've got is lessons, lessons, lessons… but there's nothing interesting to look at."

Tom considered this for a little while,

"What about going on the holodeck?"

"Busy." Naomi replied, almost instantly.

"Okay… why don't you read a book?" He suggested. "Download something from one of Voyager's archives. You might find something worth reading."

Naomi thought about this. On the one hand, she preferred the holodeck to books. On the other hand, she was bored out of her mind and Tom was not about to let her get back to exploring the Jeffrey's Tubes.

"Okay."

She nodded and, before Tom could say anything else, turned and ran all the way back to her quarters. Her mum was working, so she had the rooms to herself. She quickly got herself onto Voyager's systems, PADD in hand, and tried to decide what to read. She skipped children's books altogether. She found them childish and silly, because she was twice as intelligent as the average child her age. She began to scroll through the 'recommended' section of books, created by Neelix, where each crewman could recommend a novel each. The captain recommended Jane Eyre. Naomi found that there was a version in almost every language, as well as the original text and modernised versions. There was also, of course, a holonovel, but the holodeck was busy. And besides, the book itself looked long and she wouldn't have enough time to finish it. She looked at a few other recommendations (including 'A hundred and one ways to kill a tribble', which was recommended by B'Elanna, and 'Cars of the 20th century' recommended by Tom Paris, obviously) but none of them really caught her eye. Then, in the bottom corner of the screen, she spotted a small file.

"Hmm…" she pondered, clicking it.

Up sprung a list of downloads. They lacked the polished, professional touch of the published books, and their names were a little confusing. She giggled as she browsed past different downloadable books including 'A million and one things that annoy Lieutenant Torres', 'How many shuttles will Chakotay lose before we reach the delta quadrant, and how?' and 'Uses for Neelix's inedible Leola Root Pudding'.

"Oh!" she exclaimed to the empty room, "These must be files written by the crew!"

She kept scrolling, before an interesting-looking file caught her eye.

"Things I Shall Not Do On Voyager- by the senior staff (NOT including Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay,)" she read aloud, considering it, "Sounds… interesting…"

She clicked on the file, and began to read.

…..

'Greetings to you, new crewman/prisoner/poor sod/Neelix's cooking that has taken on a life of its own/invading life form, and welcome to the USS Voyager. Now, things are a little different to your usual 'starfleet ship' around here… probably because half of the crew is a group of ex-rebels and we're stranded in the 'Delta Quadrant' (or, as B'Elanna occasionally calls it when she thinks no one else is listening, 'the shithole of the galaxy'.) Now, you've probably spotted a few strange things, like the fact we have an ex-borg drone, a Talaxian and a midget aboard…'

"Hey!" Naomi exclaimed, realising that she was the 'midget' that this anonymous author was referring to.

'… so you're probably feeling a little scared (wait until you meet Lieutenant Torres after a triple shift, you'll shit yourself in fear…)

But less about your imminent doom! Although a painful death is probably inevitable for any unnamed crewman, a little bit of knowledge can prolong your life for… oh… I dunno… a couple of months… so I suggest you follow these simple rules:

1. The captain runs on coffee.

2. Thus, reprogramming the replicators to replicate an empty cup when she asks for coffee will usually result in your death.

3. The captain is more than happy to drag her ship into any dangerous nebulas she comes across if she thinks there might be coffee in there. Therefore, to save your own skin and everyone else's, do not let the ship run out of coffee.

4. Neelix's 'better than coffee' substitute is not better than coffee, and thus does not count as coffee.

5. As much as the captain loves coffee, pouring it over Commander Chakotay is not going to make her attracted to him.

6. Because she's already attracted him and completely in denial.

7. Pointing out the above is likely to land you with the unpopular task of scrubbing the plasma manifolds. With your toothbrush.

8. After one's toothbrush has been used to scrub the plasma manifold, it should not then be used to clean one's teeth. Rather than turning your teeth pearly white, it'll turn them a slightly greenish colour.

9. On the subject of teeth… yes, Lieutenant Torres did once bite Lieutenant Paris. And yes, we all know what that means. And yes, they are together now. That does not make it okay to bite fellow crewmen.

10. If you live on Deck nine, section twelve, replicate a pair of earplugs.

11. Under no circumstances tell Tom and B'Elanna to 'keep it down'. An embarrassed B'Elanna is an angry B'Elanna.

12. An angry B'Elanna is NEVER GOOD.

13. Do not suggest that Lieutenant Torres takes 'anger management sessions.' Commander Tuvok tried this. It didn't work.

14. Filling engineering with tribbles is a bad idea The chief engineer is half-Klingon and has no objection to breaking your nose.

15. Filling sickbay with tribbles usually results in a two hour lecture from the doctor on maintaining a sterile environment and two weeks of extra night shifts.

16. Filling the bridge with tribbles will well and truly piss of Captain Janeway. Especially if one of said tribbles drinks her coffee.

17. It is no longer possible to replicate tribbles.

18. Anyone caught attempting to smuggle tribbles onto Voyager will be kicked straight back off the ship again. And into borg space.

19. Speaking of Borg… DON'T.

20. Seriously, if you have an idea and it involves the Borg, DON'T.

21. Do not ask Seven of Nine if she uses her nanotubes for 'anything else', you creepy weirdo.

22. Do not lock Seven of Nine and B'Elanna in a small room with two phasers and take bets on who comes out alive.

23. On the subject of bets, the captain does not know about the betting pool aboard Voyager and it would be best if you kept it this way.

24. Do not reprogram the Doctor to tell all of his patients to 'man up' before booting them out of the door.

25. Do not reprogram the Doctor to arrive in Engineering every time Lieutenant Torres is working, holocamera in hand, and start taking photos. Unless, that is, you enjoy having several parts of your anatomy damaged.

26. If you get hurt doing something stupid, its probably best just to deal with it yourself. The doctor can be a complete pompous git at times.

27. Do not refer to Tuvok as 'Legolas'

28. Do not refer to Kes as 'female Legolas'.

29. As hilarious as it would be, do not replace Tuvok's 'Vulcan Meditation' holodeck program with 'Kinky sheep of Wales'

30. The captain does not need your advice.

31. Thus, yelling 'Just fire a fucking photon torpedo already!' when shields are down to 18% is a BAD idea.

32. Sheilds must drop to 18% before the captain stops trying to negotiate/run away/pretend to be invisible/shag Chakotay and starts doing something useful.

33. If Janeway ever reads the above suggestion, RED ALERT. I repeat, RED ALERT.

34. When Janeway says red alert, it usually means that the ship is under attack.

35. Occasionally, however, it means that we are out of coffee.

36. If Tom Paris says 'Red Alert', it means that either the captain or B'Elanna have found out exactly who Queen Arachnia is meant to be. That, or he's pissed B'Elanna off.

37. Don't piss B'Elanna off.

38. If you do piss B'Elanna off, apologise very quickly.

39. Klingon customs are not 'fun' or 'entertaining' and anyone who thinks so need not pass this opinion on to Lieutenant Torres, who will disagree.

40. Only B'Elanna can make comments about her Klingon DNA. Anyone else risks a broken nose.

41. Do not attempt to dispose of Leola root by putting it into the Plasma injectors.

42. Coffee is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

43. I will not paint Voyager pink with Polka Dots.

44. Borg baiting is not a fun sport, it is extremely foolish and Janeway will not hesitate to point this out (possibly by putting you in a shuttle and aiming it at the nearest borg cube)

45. Don't. Eat. The. Leola. Root… Ever.

46. Seven of Nine is to be referred to as either 'Seven' or 'Seven of Nine'. NOT 'borg', 'borgy', 'borgy-worgy', 'blondie', 'cyborg' or 'it.'

47. Informing B'Elanna of rule 46 is not a good idea. It'll make her angry (refer to rule 12.)

48. Chakotay is not a 'hippie'.

49. Do not tell Chakotay to 'run along and chat to his animal guide'.

50. Do not put slugs, or any other slimy thing, into Harry Kim's Clarinet.

51. Do not ask Captain Janeway if she'll be performing 'some adult dancing' at the next talent night.

52. Cutting Neelix in half on talent night is only permitted if you put him back together again afterwards.

53. Neelix's official roles are 'chef', 'ambassador' and 'morale officer', NOT 'Janeway pet'.

54. If you encounter Q, don't bother trying to call security. Just… don't.

55. If you encounter Q, don't bother trying to start an intruder alert.

56. If you encounter Q, just sit tight and get it over with. Omnipotent beings are not easily defeated.

57. Janeway is not 'Q's main bitch'.

58. Nor is Chakotay 'the captain's main bitch.'

59. B'Elanna does not have multiple personality disorder… well, she didn't until the Vidiian got involved.

60. If you see Vidiians, turn around and go the other way. Fast.

61. If you see the Borg, turn around and go the other way. Fast.

62. If you see the Kazon, turn around and… you get the picture.

63. 'Fast' does not mean 'Warp 10'.

64. Never attempt Warp 10.

65. Never mention the slug babies… sorry, I meant 'hyper evolved human children'.

66. Definitely don't ask Janeway or Paris 'How's the family?'

67. Definitely, definitely don't ask B'Elanna how it feels knowing that 'Janeway got there first'.

68. If you see Tom Paris with a bite mark on his face, don't ask.

69. If Commander Tuvok or Ensign Vorik disappear from duty for a few weeks, don't ask.

70. Do not say 'if we return to the alpha quadrant'. Say 'when we return to the alpha quadrant'.

71. Do not let Commander Chakotay take a shuttle… anywhere.

72. If it is 100% necessary to let Commander Chakotay take a shuttle, make sure it's a cheap shuttle that you wouldn't mind losing.

73. If Seska arrives, then keep Chakotay well out of her reach… we don't want her doing anything even more perverted.

74. If Seska does do something even more perverted, don't mention it.

75. Definitely, definitely don't ask Chakotay if he's going to join 'Fathers For Justice' to try and get his son back.

76. Science officers are not useless.

77. If you leave the ship, on an away mission, with a member of the senior crew, and no one knows who you are, you're going to die.

78. Make sure you spend a few hours each week updating your will. Death is imminent.

79. Do not tell the Captain that death is imminent. She is in denial.

80. The Captain talks to her ship, get over it.

81. Do not program the ship to talk back to her.

82. Do not play hide-and-seek in the Jeffrey's Tubes.

83. Taking bets on the fate of the newest engineering crewman is tacky, not funny.

84. If you are going to bet on the fate of the newest engineering crewman, a broken nose or a nervous breakdown are probably safe bets.

85. If the doctor asks you to help him in sickbay, don't.

86. If the doctor has made changes to his program, dress yourself in full battle armour and arm yourself with a phaser, then notify Lieutenant Torres and back away slowly.

87. If the doctor has become a raving pshycopath, just bloody well deactivate him before he hurts someone.

88. If someone gets arrested whilst on shore leave, Janeway will cancel said shore leave.

89. Do not go on shore leave.

90. If you find yourself arrested while on shore leave, be prepared for Janeway to leave it until the very last minute before you're executed/lobotomised/murdered/etc before she gives up diplomacy and starts shooting things.

91. If something doesn't work, Lieutenant Torres will just zap it with a phaser. This includes gel packs, consoles, alien technology and crewmen. You have been warned.

92. If everyone starts having dreams, hallucinations or otherwise, do not ask about the contents of these dreams in detail. Just expect foul play, go to warp 8, get the fuck out of there and report to the Doctor. Unless, of course, it is the doctor who is hallucinating. Then report to Lieutenant Torres.

93. Do not attempt to make cheese.

94. Do not attempt to attach Borg technology to the ship.

95. Do not attempt to make friends with the Kazon.

96. Do not attempt to make friends with the Borg.

97. Do not approach the Captain before she's had her morning cup of coffee.

98. If there is no coffee, there is no Captain.

99. If there is no Captain, everyone will sulk and linger on that fact long enough for one of the many evil aliens to take advantage of this fact (which, for some reason, they never do.)

100. DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET HOME. (unless it involves Borgs.)