Calm, cool water with giant dolphins drifting lazily under the Merry-Go. The day seems suitable for peaceful sailing...if only the actual boat was peaceful...

"What the hell is this?" Zoro asked stabbing his fork through the green leaves littering his plate. Most of it was covered in vinaigrette along with bits of radishes and carrots. It looked like a miniature forest had sprouted right in front of his eyes.

"What do you mean 'what the hell is this'? It's food. I would expect you to know that." Said Sanji as he lit a cigarette and walked back over to inspect the plate. "There's nothing wrong with it. Everything chopped correctly, proportioned evenly, enough vinaigrette, too. Stop complaining and eat it."

Zoro sighed roughly. "I get through with 1,000 benchpresses, 500 sets of sit-ups and push-ups, along with a 4 hour nap. When I get up I want MEAT, not the damn Smurf village on a plate!" He tossed his fork to the side. "I'm not eating this shit."

Sanji bit his cigarette in half. "What did you just say about my salad?"

"You sound upset. I don't know why, just stating the facts. I don't feel like eating tree leaves when I wake up."

"It's not tree leaves, it's a Caesar salad. Something more masterful than the meat on a stick that you and Luffy usually gobble from the port villages. Maybe if you eat more greens you'll have less of a chance of falling dead of a heart attack from over-training, you green haired bastard!"

"At least I'll die quickly! Those cigarettes will give you lung cancer for years, especially with how skinny you are. I can hardly see you when you turn sideways!"

While Zoro and Sanji started to tear the boat apart with their fight Chopper walked up to Nami for the twentieth time in 5 minutes to ask her the same question. "Are we there yet?"

"DAMN IT, CHOPPER! We'll get there when we get there! Leave me alone so I can figure this out." Nami shouted, growing irritated as she traced a path along the map she was holding. "It won't be for awhile anyways, I made a small mistake somewhere..."

"Awww! A mistake! We've been drifting for hours! I need to pick up some balm so I can put it on Usopp's spice burns." Chopper said pointing a hoof at where Usopp laid on the deck immobile with Luffy leering over him.

Glancing up at the sound of Chopper's voice Luffy yelled, "Hey, Chopper! Couldn't we just wrap him up in bandages and put him somewhere? Like a mummy! That would be neat. At least so he's not in the way when I have to step over him...plus his groaning is bumming me out."

"Luffy, I told you we just can't wrap him up. It's the wrong way to treat his injuries. Besides-"

Usopp spoke up at this moment. Or mumbled is a better word. Luffy bent down so he could hear him. "I think he says he wants food."

Then Usopp sprang up with a yelp of pain. "I didn't say anything like that! I said if you didn't issue that order to raid the chili spice wharf earlier then I wouldn't be burned like this. I mean, what kind of captain would do that?!"

Luffy paused for a moment. "Umm, me, I guess. But it was totally worth it. Enchiladas for weeks on end for my crew. Extra spicy...yum."

"You wouldn't have to deal with it if Nami would go the right way." Chopper said nonchalantly.

"YOU WANT TO PILOT THE SHIP, PIPSQUEAK?! Fine. Navigate. I'm taking a beauty nap."

Luffy's eyes lit up. "If you're navigating then I'm being the ship's doctor. I bet I could make Usopp better in no time and everyone else!"

Usopp began to back up steadily. "If you're the ship's doctor then I call Captain. Captain...Captain Usopp. Usopp the Captain. The Great, Stupendous Captain Usopp."

"Honestly, I'm not a cooking man but I think I can do better than Cancer Stick over there at preparing the ship's food." Zoro smirked as he leaned against the main mast for a snooze after fighting half the day.

Sanji approached him. "Oh, really? Like doing a bunch of sit-ups and benchpresses is so difficult. Or swinging a stick of steel. Fine GreenMoss, I'll be the swordsman. How hard could that be?"

Through this Luffy was tapping his chin deep in the dangerous zone of thought. "That job's taken and so is that one, and that one, so...NAMI'S SHARPSHOOTER!" Luffy ran to the navigator office and banged on the door. "Come on Nami, this is going to be fun. We're all getting new jobs."

"GO TO HELL LUFFY AND LET ME SLEEP!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I can feel a crack-fic brewing! Luffy as the ship's doctor...everyone run for their lives. XD