(Author's Note: I am so sorry this took so long ya'll! Enjoy!)

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS THE WORD "ASS" AND MILDLY SUGGESTIVE HUMOR. You've been warned.

Episode #17 – The Gym

"Alright, here's the wine!" I said, setting two glasses of wine on the coffee table. "The countdown is in 30 seconds!" The TV was on, and everyone in New York was waiting for the ball to drop.

"The countdown to what?" Loki asked, setting his twinkie down on the table.

"The new year!" I replied. "Here, take your glass. When midnight comes, we have to kiss and make a toast."

"Oh, alright," Loki said. He picked up his glass. "Midgardians celebrate the start of a new year?"

"Of course!" I said. "It's kind of like a symbol for us, like a fresh start. For instance, if your life sucks and you screwed up a bunch in the past year, you make new year's resolutions to improve yourself and your life. Ooh, the countdown! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" I raised my glass and kissed Loki before he even knew what was going on.

The next morning, I found Loki crashed on the couch with a bowl of cheese balls and re-runs of Friends on the TV.

"Loki, you're eating all our cheese balls!" I said, walking up to him. He smirked at me.

"I have my own ways of celebrating the new year," he said. "Why are you dressed like that?" He was referring to my sports bra and athletic pants. I had decided to join the gym for my new year's resolution, since I had fallen into cheese-ball temptation as well in the past year. I was already pretty skinny because of my fast metabolism, but I couldn't walk down the stairs of my new apartment complex without getting winded, plus I wanted to get abs.

"My new year's resolution is to get fit," I replied. "So I'm going to the gym. And you're coming with me."

"But Rachel is about to give the ring back to Barry," Loki protested.

"Come on; you have to support me. You have to be my motivation."

"What is a gym, exactly?"

"It's a place with a bunch of machines that help you exercise."

"I don't understand."

"Then come with me!" Loki sighed and stood up.

"Very well," he said. "But only because I like the way you look in that clothing."

…

When we arrived at the gym, Loki was very interested in everything. He had never seen a treadmill before, or weights, or anything gym-related for that matter. He held me around my waist as we walked into the fitness room, and a muscular man with short blonde hair looked at me as we passed him.

"Nice ass," he said.

"Thank you," Loki said, nodding to the man.

"Loki, I think he was talking to me," I said, chuckling.

"Oh."

I decided that if Loki was going to work out with me we would have to start out with something easy. (Okay, that wasn't the reason. I'm out of shape; I need to start slow. Don't judge me.) So, I led him to the treadmills. There were three rows of them, and each row was a step higher than the one behind it. Loki and I went to the highest step…which probably wasn't the best idea.

"Step up here," I told him. I adjusted his weight and speed as well as mine, pushed the start button on my treadmill and began walking. "Now you press the green button."

Loki looked down at my feet with a puzzled expression.

"So this machine makes the ground beneath you move," he said. I nodded. He pressed the start button on his machine and it began moving. He stood there, and fell off the back of it. Some people stared.

"You have to walk when it starts moving," I informed him.

"I know that now," he growled. Loki stepped back up on the treadmill and started walking. "This isn't so difficult."

"If you want to adjust your speed, just press that button for faster, and that button for slower," I said.

I tried to then focus on my exercise, but Loki was very distracting. He kept increasing his speed until he couldn't keep up with it. He ran faster and faster, and finally he tripped, face-planting into the floor and falling over. My hand flew up to my mouth as he rolled off of the first step and into the next treadmill below with a painful groan. I stopped my machine and ran down to him.

"Loki are you okay?" I asked, kneeling down to him. He sprang up and smoothed his clothes. His nose had a large scratch on it.

"I'm fine," he said, trying to save his pride. "Let's do something else. How about that?" Loki pointed to weight-lifting area.

"Yeah, I bet you could do that, since you have that inhuman strength and all," I said, patting him on the back. I knew there was no way I could lift more than 50 pounds, but Loki would be good at weight-lifting and he needed an ego boost.

I picked up a 30-pound weight, and Loki looked at the large ones. He picked up a 100, and quickly dropped it.

"Why are these so light?" he asked. He looked around and noticed the muscular men lifting similar weights. When Loki picked up the 250, he set it down in frustration and looked at me.

"Where are the heavy ones?"

"Loki, those are the heavy ones!" I said, smiling at him.

"Then how do those men look so…puffy?" Loki looked at the floor.

"Loki…" I said, putting my weight down and walking over to him.

"You are ten times hotter than any of those guys," I said. "They have human muscle, so they look like that lifting these. But you're special, so you have to lift heavier things. But honestly, I like your arms the way they are."

"But I look like that guy," Loki said, pointing to a lanky teenager lifting a 10. "I don't want to look like a pathetic loser." The kid noticed what Loki said and gave him the finger.

"That was rude," I said. "Come on, we're going to the rock climbing wall."

…

Loki felt very awkward in the straps for the rock wall. I was already several rocks up, and Loki wouldn't follow.

"Loki, you have to take your feet off the floor!" I said.

"But I'll fall," he protested.

"No you won't," I said. "The rope holds you." Loki furrowed his eyebrows and gingerly lifted his feet.

"Oh," he said, and began climbing after me.

Let me just say, if there's an award for Worst Rock Wall Climber in the History of the World, Loki wins it. The poor man kept slipping and hitting his face on the rocks. I was way ahead of him by the time he had gotten to the fifth rock.

There happened to be a teenage girl who looked to be about fifteen climbing next to him, and Loki slipped on a big rock right next to her. When he fell, he bumped into her and caused her to lose grip on the rocks as well. She squealed, and pushed him away, only causing their ropes to intertwine.

"Mom! He's attacking me!" she screamed. She started slapping Loki repeatedly and he had his arms up in defense.

"No! I—please—woman!" he yelled.

I let myself fall to Loki's level, and tried to get into the scuffle to untangle them, but the girl started slapping me too.

"Ow! Hey missy, I'm trying to help!"

Eventually the gym employees came around and pried Loki and the girl apart. She got a little slap-happy with them too, but Loki and I fled the scene before anything happened further.

"You know what Amelia?" Loki said as we walked away; both of our faces bruised. "My new year resonushun..n..lushion—whatever, is to go somewhere without getting hurt or drawing attention." I smiled at him.

"That's a good one," I said. "Me too."