DARK REFLECTIONS

"Stop looking at yourself in dirty mirrors, for even the sun cannot see how bright it shines when reflected in murky water."

UNO

Santana was four when she moved to the United States.

Things had gotten too hard back home for her mom in Michoacán, and often times her mother found herself not being able to eat because she couldn't afford to eat and still feed her two daughters. Maribel's husband, Manuel, died of disease when Santana was one and Maribel's family had no more than she did. Work was hard to find outside of the fields, but often Maribel heard soft murmurs about the promise land. She heard the hushed whispers of, "Voy a ir a los Estados Unidos, a encontrar trabajo."

Maribel wondered what it would be like in the United States. There was supposed to be food there, and jobs. She wanted more for her daughters than work in the fields, she wanted to give Santana and Adriana an education. She had never gotten a chance to thrive, for Gomez Farias was a small farming town where little to no children attended school after they turned eighteen. It was too hard to go to school and still feed their families.

Adriana was smart and noble, Maribel knew that Adriana could grow up to be an amazing woman if she were just given the chance. She had the biggest heart of anyone that Maribel had ever known, she would go to school and bring home some of her schoolwork and make handmade copies for some of the other children who couldn't go to school because their parents needed help taking care of the children, or because they needed to help in the fields. Adriana would have made a wonderful teacher, for nobody cared more about the children than she did.

And Santana, little Santana. She was feisty, and it was hard to tell what kind of woman she would grow up to be but Maribel just knew that she would amount to some kind of hurricane. God help anyone who crossed that little girl's way. Maribel just wished that she could give something more to her children. God knows they deserved it.

Maribel figured she had nothing left to lose. She couldn't stay here, but she couldn't leave her girls behind. Santana and Adriana were everything to her. Adriana was almost thirteen, she was old enough to cross… but little Santana was only three. Maribel figured that she could get Adriana to take care of Santana while she worked. Maribel didn't have the heart to leave Santana behind. It cost 5,000 pesos per person to get the coyotes to help them cross, and 10,000 for children. Maribel wasn't proud of how she got the money, but in a year, she did.

She finally had enough money to take her children to the promise land, all she wanted was to give her children a better life. They could have an education, marry some nice boy who would treat them right.

They could have the life Maribel never could.

Santana doesn't remember much about her journey to the United States, but she remembers it being dark. She remembers being thirsty and hermamitelling her to hide when some men caught the train car that they were hiding in. She remembers them grabbing her sister and calling her a pinche zorra while her mom held her and cried. She remembers her sister's deafening screams while the men beat her and violated her.

Their thunderous laughter was mocking her back then, because she wanted to help Adriana. She remembers her mami crying into her hair and holding her, she remembers her soft murmurs of "estas bien, hija. Estarás bien. Falta poquito y ya llegaremos."

Santana tried to help Adriana, she did. But her mother only held her tighter and clamped a hand over her little mouth so she couldn't scream. Santana didn't know what was happening, but Maribel knew what would happen if they were caught.

Adriana never did make it to the United States.

DOS

Santana doesn't remember what happened after that, but she remembers getting to the United States and wondering why everything was so big. Her mom told her that they would be living with her Uncle Carlos in California and all little Santana wanted was to go home.

Her Uncle Carlos was a little scary, a little too big and a little too mean and a little too loud for little Santana's comfort. He was always drinking a beer or smoking a cigarette and she even saw him giving a cigarette to her nine year old cousin, Maria. Santana's aunt Elena took care of her while her mami went to work and then her aunt went to work at night. Santana never did know what it was that her aunt did for a living. Whenever she asked, all her mom would say is that they were doing the best for their children.

Maria liked Santana, and she taught Santana whatever little English she knew when they were both home. Even though they were four years apart, they were close because there were no more children on the street that spoke Spanish, although there was a lot in the barrios on the south side of town.

Santana lived with her Uncle Carlos for three months before Santana's mom finally collected enough money to rent a little shabby apartment in Lima, Ohio. The apartment was small, it had two rooms and the kitchen, dining room, and living room were all cramped into a small closet-like space, but it was enough for the both of them. What Santana hated was that they lived in the ghetto of the town, and she could almost always hear teenage boys roaring cries of laughter from outside. It reminded her of the men in the green uniforms that took Adriana away.

Santana didn't understand why Adriana wasn't there with them anymore, she wanted to know, but whenever she asked her mom she would get really sad and tell Santana to go to her room. Santana wondered if it was the men in the green uniforms who took her sister away. She decided in that moment that she hated them, but she was also very scared of them because her Uncle Carlos told her that they could take her and her mami away.

When Santana moved to Lima, her mom told her that she would be going to school soon. Santana was excited, because even though she didn't know much English and knew none of the kids that were going there, she was bored at home. There wasn't much to do when she was alone, her mami told her to stay inside because it was dangerous and Santana got bored of coloring all day long.

When she got bored, she would turn on the little hand radio that her mami had, she would turn the knobs and listen to the music. Even though Santana couldn't understand all of the words, she loved it. That little radio reminded her that there was much more outside of her little apartment, there was a whole world of things to be discovered. The world never ended with just a certain amount of people, there was all kinds of people all around the world. There was dark people and light people and people who spoke just like her.

When Santana was six, she knew that she was different. She couldn't talk like the other kids and had almost no friends at school. She'd learned how to speak pretty basic English, but the other kids made fun of her because she talked funny. She studied really hard, and only watched TV in English, mimicking their way of talking so that she could talk just like them. Still, she couldn't help but notice that she didn't look like any of the people she saw on TV. They were blonde and fair and Santana wondered if this meant that she could never really be beautiful after all. Santana noticed her dark hair and her brown skin and wished that she were pretty after all.

Santana was also six when she met Brittany Pierce. Brittany was new at her school and sat next to her even though Elizabeth Wilde told her that she could sit with them. Brittany was blonde and blue-eyed and Santana wondered why anyone so beautiful would want to sit with anyone like her.

"Hi." Brittany said, sitting next to Santana.

"Hi." Santana said, tying her dark curly hair back with a rubber band. Santana was confused as to why Brittany was talking to her, nobody ever talked to her when she was at school. Santana wondered if this girl was playing a prank on her. Santana wished she wasn't. It could get lonely being without any friends. Sometimes she wondered if it was a waste to even come to school at all.

"I'm Brittany Pierce. I just moved here from Columbus." Brittany said, taking out her lunch. Brittany had a Dora the Explorer backpack on not much unlike Santana's Strawberry Shortcake one.

"My name is Santana Lopez. I came from California." Santana said, and even then she knew that her K- sounds were a little too sharp and her words were a little too slow and nobody would believe that she was from here.

"You talk funny." Brittany said, curiosity lacing her words. Brittany didn't say it in a mean way, she was really just stating a fact. But Santana felt ashamed of her accent, and she wished that she were pretty and blonde like Brittany.

"I know." Santana said, lowering her head.

"I think it's pretty." Brittany said, and Santana was confused because all her life she'd been taught that having an accent was bad and she'd always hated it but this girl had not only called her out on her biggest insecurity, but she had told her it was pretty.

Santana decided that she liked this Brittany Pierce.

TRES

Santana was seven the first time she was ashamed of where she came from. She and her mother were at a parent teacher conference, and her mom hadn't had time to change out of her housekeeper uniform before coming to the school. Santana didn't think much of it until she saw all of the other parents snickering when she walked by.

She wondered why it was such a bad thing that her mom cleaned houses. She walked around the room showing her mom her work as the other parents avoided them like they had the plague. She wondered why they were running from her and her mom. Santana looked at her mother in confusion and all Maribel could do was look down sadly at her daughter.

When Maribel came to the United Sates, she came here to give her daughters a better life, not a life of oppression and racism. She didn't face this as much in California, because Salinas wasn't a Caucasian city. It was full of gangs, but it was also full of people of all colors. They were never as alone there. Santana was too young to understand that some people would give her labels simply because of the color of her skin and where she came from.

Maribel almost wished that she never would understand.

Brittany's mom, Susan was watching all of the exchanges as they happened.

Susan Pierce could just wonder why in the world these grown women were making fun of a child. When did their little town actually get so close-minded that grown men and women made fun of a seven year old girl? Santana hung out with Brittany enough for Susan to know that Santana was a wonderful little girl, she was just a little lost. Maribel was a wonderful mother who would do anything for Santana and had been through enough in her life, she didn't need these close-minded bigots adding to her pain, Susan knew that.

Santana had gone to use the restroom while her mom talked to the teacher. She was in one of the stalls when she heard Elizabeth's mom talking to Andy's mom.

"Can you believe that they let those children in the same school as our children?" Elizabeth's mom said as she washed her hands. Santana wondered whatever in the world they could be talking about.

"I heard that that girl's mother didn't even come legally." Andy's mom said, and Santana sat on the toilet and wondered who in the world they could be talking about.

"Santana isn't even legal. I heard that they came here after she was born. I mean, have you heard how they talk? They're filthy, and I don't want those Mexican thugs hanging around my little Elizabeth."

Santana wondered what was so wrong about being Mexican. Did she do something wrong? Was there something wrong with her?

"Well, they should probably be deported. I still don't understand why those people insist on crossing the damn borders. Can't they even do it legally? And then they pin it on us, like it's somehow our fault that they can't find work."

The women laughed and walked out of the restroom, never noticing the little girl that was hanging on to their every word.

Santana remembers the way her little heart raced when she realized that they were talking about her. She remembers being ashamed of her accent and of the tamales that she had for lunch that day. She rubbed her hands together as hard as she could until they burned, but still she saw the brown skin that she'd always had when she looked down.

CUATRO

Maribel met Ricardo when she was working a night job as a receptionist at the hospital. He ran in late and spilled coffee all over himself. Maribel helped him clean himself up and he asked her out on a date. The rest, as they say, is history.

Santana was nine when she met her new dad. His name was Ricardo and Santana liked that he was a doctor, even though his skin was even darker than hers. He had a big house, and he gave her mami a big shiny ring which Santana liked because her mom had been through so much shit in her life, she deserved nice things.

Maribel let her and Brittany hold the flowers at their wedding, and she was so desperate for a father that she embraced Ricardo without a second thought. By then, Santana could speak English almost as well as any of the other kids in her class. She would refuse to acknowledge the fact that she spoke Spanish except with her mother, who only spoke enough English to communicate with the people she worked with.

Santana liked her new house because it was big, and Ricardo told her that she could decorate her room however she wanted it. She told him that she wanted to paint it light blue, because that was her favorite color. It matched Brittany's eyes and Santana liked that because the color of Brittany's eyes was always a comfort to her. Brittany reminded her that there was good people in the world who would not judge her based on her accent or the color of her skin.

Ricardo was nice, and he bought her pretty dolls when she got good grades. She liked the dolls, but she wished that there was some dolls that looked more like her. She looked at her dolls and noticed that they were all blonde and blue-eyed and she wondered once again if that meant that she wasn't really beautiful after all.

CINCO

Santana was eleven when her mother was taken away. It was a normal day, and Santana didn't think anything more of it. She went to school, and then she went to cheerleading practice with Brittany and then they both went to Santana's house, because they were supposed to have a sleepover at Santana's house that night.

When they got home, they noticed that Ricardo's car was in the driveway, which was strange in itself because it was a Tuesday and Ricardo should have been working at that time. Then they noticed that Brittany's mom's car was in as well, which was even weirder because she hardly ever came by there. Then they noticed that there was a big black van in the driveway and there was men in green uniforms talking to Ricardo as tears streamed down his face. Santana was scared, and she wondered if they were going to take her away.

"What's going on?" Santana asked Ricardo, tugging on his shirt.

"Nothing, Santana. Go inside." Ricardo said and Santana got even more scared and started crying because never had Ricardo been that stern with her.

"Papi, what's going on?" Santana said, holding on to Brittany's arm.

"It's okay, mija. Just go inside with Mrs. Pierce." Maribel said, and it was clear that she was crying. Susan shot her a sympathetic look as she ushered the girls inside.

"Mom, what's going on?" Brittany said, worried because Santana was crying.

"Nothing, Brittany." Susan said, and that got Brittany a little angry because she knew that there obviously was something going on and her mom just didn't want to tell her what it was. She was about to demand answers but when she saw her mother's tear stained face she thought better of it and kept quiet.

Ricardo came back inside a little while after and Santana ran to him, hugging him. It was odd to see such a strong man crying.

"What's going on? Where is mamá?" Santana said, and Brittany was sure that she had never heard her best friend sound so sad.

"Your mami isn't coming back for a while." Ricardo said, and Santana knew that her nightmare had come true. She clung onto Ricardo and cried for her mother. When Ricardo excused himself, she clung onto Brittany and cried in her little arms while Brittany ran her fingers soothingly through Santana's hair.

Susan was sure in that moment that she had never seen anything more tragically beautiful.

SEIS

Santana was thirteen when she was sure that she hated herself. It was the first time that she felt that she was truly repulsive. All her life, she had felt that she was less than others because of her dark skin, but she had accepted that. It wasn't until Santana was thirteen that she started to hate the being below her dark skin. When Santana looked in the mirror, she realized for the first time that she was pretty. She wasn't blonde or blue eyes but she was as pretty as she could get without her genes getting in the way.

What she didn't understand is why she didn't feel like she belonged inside her skin.

She felt like maybe she was too fat, like her thighs were too big and her hips too small and for once she felt ashamed. She started skipping meals, losing weight. Ricardo would ask her if there was anything going on at school, she ignored him. She started going out with boys and going to high school parties because even if she was only in eighth grade, she could certainly dress the part of a high school girl. The more she drank and the more she partied the more that she hated the girl that lived underneath her skin. Santana changed, she changed so much that she could hardly recognize herself anymore. The only thing that kept her grounded was Brittany. Sweet, innocent Brittany. Brittany was the most beautiful girl that Santana had ever seen, and she was also growing into quite the woman.

Santana hated herself even more for noticing how well Brittany was filling out. Santana began to notice Brittany and she felt an insane attraction to her. When Santana actually admitted to herself that she liked Brittany, she was sure that she wasn't so afraid of anything in her life. Brittany… Brittany is her best friend. Santana couldn't ruin that friendship. She wouldn't.

She had no close ties left with anyone. She could barely talk to her own mother after she was deported back to Mexico, and Ricardo (although very nice to her) wasn't her real father. He had another girlfriend come around every once in a while, and Santana could never get the sound of moaning out of her head. Brittany was all she had left, and Santana would rather just have her friendship than not have her at all. She couldn't risk losing the one thing that was good in her miserable world.

That same day she had a party to go to. She doesn't remember exactly how it happened but she remembers scrambling to find her clothes with a deep pain in between her legs. She walked all the way to Brittany's house, and climbed to her window all while the tears continued flowing. Brittany knew exactly what was going on, but she didn't say anything. She just held Santana while she cried.

"I lost it." Santana repeated over and over while she cried. Brittany knew exactly what she was talking about when she said that she 'lost it' but thought better than to mention it. All she could do was cry silently with her best friend, mourning for the loss of something that shouldn't have been gone in the first place.

"I know. It's okay, Tana. It's all going to be okay." Brittany said softly, and she was sure that she had never felt more pained than when she heard her best friend's soft cries. Brittany wondered if it was possible to love someone so much that you felt pain when they did.

As Santana continued to cry, all Brittany could do not to go out and beat up this guy was remember that Santana needed her. When Santana cried, it felt like someone was plunging a knife into Brittany's chest and twisting it around.

Brittany vowed never to let Santana get hurt again.

SIETE

Santana and Brittany were both fourteen when they kissed for the first time. And even though Santana was a fucked up and Brittany was definitely concerned and they were both more than a little high on emotion, it was special.

Santana had been feeling a little down because of her weigh in with Sue. Even though Santana had been starving and purging and only drinking Sue's stupid cleansing drink all week, she had gained two pounds. How could that have happened? She asked herself, When did you get so pathetic that you can't even make weight? Santana felt like she had never hated herself more.

Brittany knew about Santana's constant battles with herself. She knew that Santana binged and purged and starved. Brittany knew that and she wanted to help, but what could she do? She didn't want to rat Santana out to the school, Ricardo would probably send her away, and her mom was still in Mexico. She tried to tell Santana to stop, but all it did was lead to a big fight and Brittany couldn't stand to see Santana mad at her again.

Brittany knew that often Santana thought less of herself because of her race. Brittany thought it was really really stupid that people were still racist because it's the 21st century and you'd think people would be more evolved by now. Brittany told Santana she was beautiful almost every day, but Santana would brush it off with some kind of snide comment. What could Brittany do?

The day that they kissed, Brittany knew that there was something wrong with Santana almost immediately. She had been acting really weird all morning and all Brittany could do not to tackle her in a hug the moment she found her in the bathroom crying after lunch was try not to freak her out.

Brittany heard soft sniffles when she entered the girl's bathroom. She was a little concerned because it isn't a good thing when people cry and her mom told her to always try to help someone if you think that there is something wrong with them.

"Hey. Are you okay in there?" Brittany said, trying to figure out who was crying inside the bathroom.

"Go away, Britt." She heard, and the moment that she realized that it was Santana who was crying inside of the bathroom, Brittany's heart began to ache and she felt about ready to knock the whole damn stall down.

"San? Are you okay?" Brittany asked and the moment she said it she regretted asking because duh, she's not fine.

"I told you to go away, Britt!" Santana yelled, her sobbing getting louder. This only made Brittany's heart ache more for her friend.

"I'm not leaving. Just open the door and tell me what's going on." Brittany said, surprising herself with how much she sounded like her mother. She doesn't think she'd be too disappointed if she turned out exactly like her mother. Santana opened the door as Brittany took in her appearance. She had black tear tracks running down her face, her cheerios uniform was crumpled and a little stained.

Brittany immediately took Santana into her arms, letting her cry into her chest. Santana's tears eventually subsided as Brittany continued to stroke her hair.

"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" Brittany said, her voice getting inevitably softer. Nobody ever realized that even though Santana has a rough exterior, she has gone through a lot of shit in her life and she's really… just another girl. She's human.

"I just… I went to Sue's weigh in this morning and I just… I gained TWO pounds, Brittany. How does that even happen?" Santana said crying, and Brittany knew in that moment exactly what was going on. She hated that Santana was insecure to the point where even something that was probably water weight could set her off like this.

"Santana," Brittany said, taking hold of Santana's face in her hands. "You're beautiful. And it doesn't matter to me how much you weigh, even though you're basically a twig. I love you and I always will. Do you not realize- when you hurt yourself like this, it feels like you're plunging a knife into my chest."

"I'm just… I'm scared that if I change nobody is ever going to love me."

"I just told you I would. And who else do you need?"

"Thank you, Britt." Santana said, because really, all she ever needed was to know that Brittany loved her. She doesn't remember what happened next, but she remembers feeling Brittany's mouth on hers and tasting her strawberry chapstick. The best part was that Brittany didn't pull away. She only deepened the kiss.

Santana decided that she really liked this side of Brittany Pierce.

OCHO

Santana was fifteen when she met Quinn Fabray. Quinn was new to McKinley, she had recently transferred from another school. She was trying out for the cheerios mid-season which was usually seen as a death sentence but Santana liked her because she was brave enough to do it. Brittany and her started to hang out with Quinn, and Santana started to like her even more when she realized that Quinn was even more fucked up than she was.

Quinn knew about Santana and Brittany, and Santana liked her even more because even though she basically found them having sex in the locker room, she just called them horny bitches before walking out. At first Santana was scared that Quinn might be really disgusted with them because they were together, but then she saw the way Quinn stared at Rachel Berry of all people and knew that she was going through the exact same panic that they were.

Santana was walking to class after a really hot make out session with Brittany when she heard someone puking in the bathroom. Santana really wanted to cuss them out because she had gone through the same thing and sometimes you just really need to have someone to cuss you out. She figured that this was probably a lot more important than whatever she was going to learn in History about rich British dudes, so she walked in.

When she walked in she heard crying. She wondered if that was how Brittany felt when she found her in the bathroom last year.

"Who the fuck is in here?" Santana said, expecting it to be some stupid little freshman just like she was last year, just shoving her fingers down her throat because she couldn't make Sue's weigh-in. The girl didn't say anything, but Santana could see the red cheerios uniform in the little gap in-between the stalls.

"Whoever the fuck is in there better come out now, before I get Coach Sue in here to kick you out of the cheerios for purging." Santana said, she didn't really mean to sound so rude but well… desperate times call for desperate measures.

Santana heard the latch on the door opening, and found herself face to face with none other than Quinn Fabray.

"What the fuck, Quinn?" Santana said, sounding a hell of a lot more angry than she felt. Because Santana wasn't angry. Not really. She was just concerned, she was angry at herself for not noticing this thing about Quinn.

"It's not what it looks like." Quinn said, burying her face in her hands.

"What doesn't it look like Quinn? Please, enlighten me."

"I- I'm pregnant." Quinn said, a sob escaping her mouth as she cried. Santana was stunned. How could have Quinn let this happen? Quinn wasn't an idiot. She knew about protection, how could she have been so careless?

"What the hell, Quinn? How could you- how could you just let that happen? How are you going to support a baby? Dammit Quinn, if you were even thinking about having sex you should have had protection on you! You could have- how could you be so careless?" Santana was yelling, and she knew that. She didn't mean to yell, she was just really scared for her friend.

Quinn was trembling in fear and Santana knew she had taken it too far.

"Stop yelling at me!" Quinn said, tears continuing to stream down her face as her body wracked with sobs.

"Shit, look, I'm sorry. Q, I'm just scared for you. Have you told anyone?" Santana said as Quinn shook her head so hard that Santana was a little scared that she might hurt herself.

"Who's the father?" Santana said, watching Quinn's face pale.

"I- I don't know. I was walking home after tennis and I…" Quinn couldn't continue, she broke into sobs before she could finish. It didn't matter. Santana knew what she was talking about.

"Oh, Quinn." Santana said, her chest aching for her friend. She took Quinn into her arms in a rare moment of affection, showing the soft side that she didn't really show to anyone but Brittany. For a moment she remembered her sister, Adriana and how the men did the same thing to her, but then shook her head. The memories were too painful.

"What am I going to do?" Quinn said, and for once Santana didn't have the answers for her. The shock of seeing her normally closed off friend so vulnerable was wearing off, and Santana was mostly just angry at whatever douchebag did this to her.

"I don't know, Q. I really don't know."

That was the first time Santana realized that she didn't always have to know everything. All she could have done was hold her friend while she cried and hope to godthat Quinn knew what she was doing when she decided to give up the child.

NUEVE

Santana was seventeen when her mother finally came back from Mexico. Five years of not seeing her mother, and then there she was. Santana came home from school to Ricardo's house and was confused when she saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway. She hoped and prayed that it wasn't one of his little girlfriends, because Brittany was supposed to be staying over that night and she didn't want her to have to hear that.

When Santana went inside and saw her mother, the first thing she wondered was if her mind was playing tricks on her. Could it really be that her mother was finally home? Santana hadn't realized how much she missed her until she saw her again.

She missed her mother's comforting words. She missed the way she smelled, it was just one of those motherly smells and probably wasn't really all that nice, but she missed it anyway.

Santana walked into the house, placing her bag on the floor.

"Ricardo? Who's here?"

"Come in the kitchen, Santana." She heard him say, and she obliged. First she saw her mother's dark hair in a bun, and when the rest of her body came into view, she just stood there, mildly catatonic as she tried to process the fact that her mother was actually home.

"Mija." She heard her mother say as her eyes filled with tears. Santana didn't wait another moment before flinging herself into her mother's arms as she began to weep. She doesn't know how long she stood there, crying into her mother's arms as she wept, but it must have been a while because her arms were starting to burn a little.

"Oh, Santana. You've gotten so beautiful. I bet the boys must be all over you." Maribel said, and this caused Santana to withdraw from her mother's arms. How was he supposed to come out to her mom? She couldn't keep her relationship with Brittany a secret. She could never keep something so special from her mom.

"Mami, I have to tell you something." Santana said, and prayed that her mother wouldn't find her repulsive.

"Yes, mija?"

"I um- I'm gay. I mean- I… I'm dating Brittany."

Maribel only smiled, because she felt that she had known this all along.

"I always knew you too were soulmates."

DIEZ

Santana was nineteen when she finally realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. It took a while, but she finally realized that even butterflies hurt during metamorphosis, writhing in their cocoons and trying to shed their skin. She finally realized that there is nothing wrong with being gay or being Latina, and the worst thing of all was that it took her almost twenty years to figure that out.

She looked down at the skin that she had always had (but hadn't always wanted) and felt comfortable in it.

She thought that she had wanted to shed that skin, but she'd actually been in metamorphosis all along, shedding the skin of self-doubt and oppression.

Santana finally felt at home in her skin, and with her girlfriend, and perhaps that was all that really mattered after all.

FIN