Summary: "He tastes like sugar and salt. She blames this on the sugar he is always eating and the tears he cries. She blames it on her tears too. It's their way of trying to remind themselves they're still alive." Katniss and Finnick learn to live again after their loved ones die. AU.
Warnings: Caracter death, adult themes, minor language, and attempted suicide.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games, or even this idea really, since I'm not exactly the first one to do it.
He doesn't say anything as he sits down beside her bed, which is good, because she won't speak either. They might have won the war, but that doesn't mean everything's okay, that she can live. Peeta's dead. Annie's dead. Prim's dead.
Prim. The name brings frightening images with it, images that are branded onto the back of her eyelids. Images of her sister, her sweet, innocent Prim, being made into a human torch before her eyes.
He seems to understand that, because he reaches out and gently grasps her hand, giving her something to hold onto, an anchor to.
She doesn't realize she's crying until he's wiping tears off her face.
...
"Finnick," She finds him in his room, across the hall from the one she shares with her mother.
"Katniss," He looks up at her, surprised to hear her talking, but he doesn't comment on it, for which she is grateful.
"I need your help," She says, and realizes she is shaking. He holds out his arms to her and she collapses into them, telling him everything Snow told her.
He regards her silently after she finishes, before smiling sadly. "You know what the truth is, Katniss,"
He grabs her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Don't blame him," He says, and she knows he knows it was Gale's bomb. "It's not his fault. It's Coin's,"
They don't say anything after that.
...
When it's all over, after she's killed Coin and Snow is dead and her trial is over, he takes her to District 4. She's grateful, because somehow he seemed to know that she needed to get away, that she couldn't go back to Twelve. They spend hours exploring the shore, splashing and playing in the ocean. Going through the motions of living.
She wonders why she's still alive when she feels dead inside. Everyone she loves is dead.
...
They spend their nights wrapped in each other's arms, trying to find whatever bit of comfort they can give each other. When they find that they can't ward off each other's nightmares, they resort to lying on the beach together, staring at the sky.
Somehow, their nights on the beach turn into meaningless kisses.
He tastes like sugar and salt. She blames this on the sugar he is always eating and the tears he cries. She blames it on her tears too.
They don't say a word as he takes her virginity on the beach. He clutches her hips like a lifeline, leaving bruising handprints there, and she rakes her nails down his back so hard she draws blood.
It's their way of trying to remind themselves they're still alive.
...
Johanna visits them sometimes. She seems lost without the Capitol, without President Snow and the Hunger Games to take out her anger on. Katniss can't help but smile sadly at her, and whisper that she knows how she feels.
...
When her demons become too much, she tries to drown herself. He swims out after her as soon as he realizes what she's doing, his strong arms pulling her fragile body up, holding her tight while she kicks and screams. She sputters and coughs up salt water.
"Let me go, Finnick, let me go, let me go," Her screams turn to sobs as she begs him to put her down, to let her die. "I don't have anything to live for, I want to die, please Finn, let me go,"
He carries her back to shore and deposits her on the damp sand, stroking her hair until she falls asleep.
...
He fucks her so hard that night that bruises stain every inch of her skin he touched. She feels alive for the first time since Peeta died.
...
The next time Johanna visits, she brings a surprise with her.
Gale.
They stand there staring at each other for what seems like years before finally Katniss laughs and launches herself into his arms. "I missed you Catnip," He whispers into her hair. "I'm so sorry,"
...
She spends her days with Gale, exploring the beaches and showing him around town.
She spends her nights with Finnick on the sand, trying to remind herself that they're alive. They don't speak.
...
They have an unspoken rule. On the beach at night, when their bodies are pressed together and their lips intertwined, they don't speak. There's no sweet nothings whispered, no names called out, and definitely no declarations of love.
She breaks that rule one night, gasping his name as he hovers over her. She wants to take it back, but it's too late, the damage is done, she can't undo it. He leans down and kisses her, whispering her name against her lips.
They pretend it didn't happen when they see each other the next day, but they can't stop it from replaying over and over again in their minds.
...
"I met someone," Gale tells her one day as they sit on the beach together, watching the sun rise.
She expects to feel anger, disappointment, longing, but all she can bring herself to feel is relief. Gale isn't in love with her fragile, broken self any longer.
"That's wonderful," Katniss whispers, and a grin works its way onto her face. "Johanna's a lucky girl,"
"How did you-?"
Katniss laughs. "I've seen the way you look at her. You two are good for each other,"
They sit in silence for a while. Finally, Gale speaks. "You could be happy too, you know,"
It takes a while for her to realize what he means. Finnick.
She smiles sadly. "Maybe someday," She says, but she can't help but think that the two of them are too broken to ever really be happy.
"Don't be afraid to move on. He would have wanted you too,"
He would have.
...
Gale leaves with Johanna later that day.
...
That night when she meets Finnick on the beach, it isn't with a kiss like it normally is. It's with words, the one thing that is forbidden on these nights, the rule they have only ever broken once.
"Do you love me?" She asks. He looks at her, his green eyes widening in surprise.
He sighs. "Katniss…"
"Do you love me?"
He kisses her, gently. "Maybe," He whispers as he pulls away.
She can't help but grin. "While, I might be in love with you too,"
They don't have sex that night. They lie together in his bed, wrapped in each other's arms, and for the first time since they died, she doesn't have any nightmares.
...
After that, things are different. They spend their days together, learning to live again, and their nights wrapped in each other's arms, keeping the nightmares at bay. Slowly, things start to get better.
...
She's the one who has the idea for the book of memories, to help them heal and to help keep the memories alive. She writes and he draws. He's not as good as Peeta, but he's better than she is.
They fill the pages with memories of the deceased, the things that it would be a crime to forget. Lady licking Prim's cheek. The color of Annie's eyes. Peeta's way with words. Madge's pin. Mags' motherly spirit. Her father's singing. What Cinna could do with a length of silk. Boggs reprogramming the Holo. Rue leaping from tree to tree. On and on and on. Finnick adds nine years of tributes he mentored, and eventually Gale and Johanna and Haymitch join them, adding their own tributes, friends, and memories.
Eventually, they can look at the pages without sobbing.
...
Years later, he asks her to marry him. The ceremony is small, with only her mother, Haymitch, Johanna, and Gale. They're all they have left. Somehow, even all the people who are missing can't detract from the beauty of the day.
...
They have a daughter, Primrose Annie Odair. She learns to swim before she can walk, something that delights Finnick and makes Katniss laugh.
She knows someday that she'll have to answer the questions. The arenas have been destroyed, the memorials built, but they still teach about them in the schools. She knows someday that she'll have to explain to her daughter what it was like being in that arena, the rebellion, how her namesakes died and her parents fell in love. But not today. She is only 12, and though she would have been reaping age if the Hunger Games were still around, she is too young to know of the horror.
At night, Finnick holds her close and whispers, "I love you,"
She hasn't forgotten about Peeta, and she knows he hasn't forgotten about Annie. But they would want them to be happy.
"I love you too,"