Title: Out of Hand

Author: relativelypositive

Rating: M

Category: AU/Romance/Humor

Summary: She was only trying to shock Ron. She didn't mean for it to go any further. Instead, she made a faux pas that turned Hogwarts upside down. 6th Year AU. Dramione.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter related and I make no money from the use of the characters created by J. K. Rowling.

Chapter 1: Making Ron Squirm

Gryffindor Common Room

You could hear Ron way before you could see him. You could hear his boots pounding the ancient stone hallway floor. You could even hear his angry muttering. He practically bellowed the password to the Fat Lady, and she couldn't open fast enough.

"Ab uno, disce omnes!"

Ron scowled at the group lounging around the fireplace. Padma and Luna were visiting from Ravenclaw, and Harry and Hermione were hanging out with Ginny and Hermione's two roommates.

"He is a pompous git! He thinks he can talk to me however he wants! Well, he's just lucky McGonagall was coming down the corridor! I was just about to hex the arse."

Ron stalked back and forth along the edge of the rug until Harry stepped into his path.

"I assume the arse is Malfoy?"

"Who else goes out of their way to mess with me? Or you, for that matter?"

"Oh, I don't know…from what I hear he goes way out of his way to mess around with a lot of girls. Pretty successful, too, with those eyes! Gray like a thundercloud and just as turbulent," interrupted Lavender, dreamily.

Ron and Harry made exaggerated retching noises, but the ladies in the group were just warming up.

"I've always wanted to touch his hair. It's like unicorn hair!" exclaimed Parvati.

"Not to mention how lovely the contrast of his pale skin against our golden brown would be," added Padma conversationally.

"You've gone nuts! Malfoy isn't attractive! Tell them, Ginny!" Ron was turning fuchsia.

"Oh, he's definitely hot. I like to walk behind him on the staircases and stare at his bum," Ginny relished saying. "In my mind I go 'Left! Right! Left! Right!'"

"You're just saying that to make me crazy!"

"You're just so incredibly insecure, Ronald. Just because Draco Malfoy has grown so tall, broad, and strong, with muscles that fairly ripple, doesn't mean you won't someday, maybe, catch up a bit. Not everyone likes the handsome type."

This comment from Luna opened a floodgate as the girls realized how creeped out Harry and Ron were at their statements.

"His voice has a timbre that I feel in my bones."

"His hands are so graceful. I could see him directing an orchestra or something."

"He is incredibly smart, as well. Second in our class!"

"His ears have the cutest tips. They have a little elf-like point."

"He's the best flier on the Slytherin Quidditch team. They way he stretches out on his broom is almost catlike. So nimble!"

"And his cock is so long and thick! And he really knows what to do with it!"

Dead silence.

Then the sound of Ron's body hitting the floor.

"Was it something I said?" Hermione smiled at her own joke, realizing a little too late that everyone was staring at her in horror.

Padma squeaked and ran for the door that would lead her back to the Ravenclaw dormitories.

"Hermione!" Ginny stage whispered. "Did you have…relations with Draco Malfoy? Are you engaged?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"What you said about Malfoy's…bits. I thought you didn't get along! Why would you agree to join his family?"

"Oh, Ginny. I wasn't serious! Really, all that about Malfoy's attributes was just to get Ron going. I was just getting in on the joke!"

"You would joke about something like that?" Lavender sounded scandalized and, for once, serious.

"Ginny was talking about his bum!"

"Ginny was talking about seeing his bum in public, and completely innocently! You implied you had relations with Malfoy!"

"What is this 'relations' business? You all act like having sex is a big deal!"

Silence again.

"Hermione, I don't know why you think it isn't," replied Ginny, more gravely than Hermione had ever heard her speak before.

"You all are always running into dark corners and broom closets to snog!"

"Snogging is practically innocent! At the most someone may accidentally graze over something, but usually it's just kissing and…embracing. No witch or wizard would ever-and I mean EVER, Hermione-get undressed with the opposite sex in that type of situation! It would be considered indecent!"

"Plus, then you'd be engaged. Especially to a Malfoy. Their ancient magic lineage has matrimonial and fidelity charms passed down in their blood. That's why no matter how good looking he is, I'd never have relations with him. The price is too high," Lavender sighed.

"Ooh, and the sex magic!" Luna started before Hermione cut in.

"Everyone, you all know I would never do such a thing. I'm sorry if I shocked your sensibilities, but how can you all be so prudish? Muggle teenagers have sex all the time!"

"Oh! That's awful! Where do all the children go?" asked Luna.

"What children?"

"The children that are conceived!"

"Well, usually there are precautions taken so that doesn't happen."

What was with the deafening silences?

"Hermione, I think maybe we should all go to bed. Let's talk this over tomorrow morning," Harry said.

When everyone started to get up, Harry pulled Hermione aside.

"I learned about this kind of thing from Mr. Weasley, and it just didn't occur to me to tell you anything about it. I guess I thought somewhere along the line you'd have read about wizarding customs. I promise, tomorrow I'll clue you in."

Luna said goodbye and took off for the Ravenclaw dorms. The girls went up their staircase, and Harry levitated Ron up their staircase. Ginny said goodnight at her door, and the other three girls moved to their room in a contemplative silence.

Hermione planned a late-night trip to the library once everyone was asleep. Apparently her education was lacking.

A/N:

"Ab uno, disce omnes" is Latin for "From one, learn all." It essentially means that a fact has been derived from only one example, person, or occurrence. The implication is that the fact may be, and probably is, wrong. Yes, even Latin can be sarcastic. Snarky, even.

Has anyone else tried to spell fuchsia and gotten terribly confused? Here. I'll help you remember. The color is named after the gorgeous flower. The gorgeous flower is named after German botanist Leonardo Fuchs. The original pronunciation was "fook-see-ya" and has obviously evolved. There is a lot of "fuschia" out in the world, incorrectly spelled on items like bath gel and room deodorizers. It makes me wonder if, say, Johnson & Johnson has spell check.