00h25

This is being written on the night when the 57th expedition out of the wall returns.

The scouting legion has lost 30 percent of its numbers, despite Erwin's strategy. Among those who stayed behind lie now four soldiers of my squad.

Their names were Gunther Schultz, Erd Gin, Auruo Bossard and Petra Ral.

They fell during their battle against the female titan to protect Eren, this idiot. They died trying, and at least thanks to them I am able to say with pride that the intervention squad didn't fail. Eren is here, safe. But they'll never know.

I already got used to the feeling of loss, though I will never forget any of those who died in battle. I admire them in a way, those who died for mankind, I wonder if I can be as brave when death hits me too. When I go to sleep at night I count them, all those I've seen die because of the giants. One by one, I try remembering all of their faces in my head. That's what gives me the strengths to keep fighting, the will to eradicate the bloody titans.

But tonight I can get nowhere near sleep. When I close my eyes, it's like hers suddenly open in my head. And this pain I've always been so good at pushing away threatens to stop my lungs, like a cold, unbearable weight. The rage I'm used to gather isn't enough to warm me up this time.

It keeps playing in my head, the sinister parade of their dead bodies in the forest. As I was flying over them, and didn't see Petra crying by their side, I knew. Then I found her.

She was stuck against a tree, her face raised towards the sky, as if she had been waiting for me to come say goodbye. Her dead golden eyes met mine. I saw her, she didn't see me.

I don't really know why it hit me so hard. More than the guilt of not being there to save them all, I think what hurts most is missing her : it was always a comfort to know that she knew me, the real me and still cared despite all my flaws. A feeling so pure has nothing to do in a world like this. At least that's what I used to think.

But tonight I am not so sure anymore, because I rarely felt such pain in my life. And hopefully, I might soon be able to transform that huge pain into a great anger. Her death gives me more determination than any other ever has.

I think I understand Eren a bit better now. I thought he was stupid, blinded by emotions. But it's not necessarily a bad thing : that's what keeps him going, too, his rage, his mother's love. Maybe that's what love is about. Maybe emotions can be useful when you don't let them crush you.

For you all.

Gunther.

Erd.

Auruo.

Petra.

I swear it. I will fight until I see them all gone, or I will die trying, like you.