Author's Note: Wrote this tipsy, felt relaxed which was overdue. Like it, hate it, live your dreams people. This is it.

It didn't count as crying if she teared up. To her it only counted if they fell and were really visible. Bare. Out there for the critical world to see. If it was just watery eyes she could say it was just dust, contacts, a twig or a branch in her eye.

She wouldn't admit it but she liked Easy A and would mentally say the lines after Jesse had forced her to watch it. It came down to semantics and bending definitions because few things in life seemed concrete. She could only control herself, her choices and that was it. She knew she didn't have any say over Chloe's life. That was very apparent when Chloe didn't talk to her for a month. They had talked on and off for a while after Chloe had graduated but it dropped off quickly. The last thing Chloe had said was I'll talk to you when I'm off the road. She didn't hear from the red head after that, leaving Beca to think she had an accident, she didn't want to talk to her. The younger woman could appear calm but she was worried. She also knew she didn't have any control if Chloe had an accident or was hurt or simply was moving on.

It was days until she sat at her computer staring at her compose email tab. She couldn't even think of the subject. Just checking seemed lame, Are you okay seemed weirdly demanding, and so she went with something easy-S.O.S. There was that hope Chloe would reply and at least say she was alive or busy or that she had even met someone. She'd take that over Chloe was in an accident. Another week later she settled into the idea that she cared about Chloe but she couldn't do anything more than worry and realize it was a dead end. Her next choice was to throw herself into work.

It took her some time to feel like an adult. Gone were the years of living in a dorm. Now she had bills, an apartment, a semi-stable job, a small vw hatchback that looked worse for wear but got her to and from places she was scheduled to be. Most days she felt rushed. She appeared calm but as Chloe once described her-still waters run deep. She was charming but subdued, talented but not flashy and Beca genuinely smiled then kissed the red head for the unwarranted compliment.

Now she was standing in her kitchen. There was loneliness and alcohol to counter it. If she couldn't have a relationship she could use a substitution method and have one with vodka…and orange juice so she could tell a worried friend she was getting some vitamins with a smirk on her lips and narrowed blue, grey eyes that appeared more shrewd than usual.

She wouldn't admit it out loud but she enjoyed being out of it because it helped her relax. Her stresses decreased, she thought less, things seemed softer, less pressing, less heavy, but she'd still drift to Chloe. How kissing her right now would be…ideal, for lack of a better word. Everything seemed slower, like she had all the time in the world. Immortality to kiss her and feel.

1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3, drink. She was listening to Sara Bareilles' cover Sia's overplayed Chandelier. It fit her mood to a damn t. Emotional, building, and freaking raw. If she were with Chloe now she'd probably give into anything the older woman wanted. Not that she was malleable but comfortable and willing to let someone influence her. Walls were less solid with alcohol.

It was raining. The doorbell could barely be heard over her "storm" playlist. Setting her drink on the coffee table in her small living room she slowly made her way to the door. A pale hand was raised ready to knock when she opened it.

Oh shit. I'm hallucinating. Chloe's here. Chloe…here. This is like that movie…ah…Ruby Sparks. I mani-freaking-fested Chloe with my imagination. Holy fuck Einstein was right. Do I have ADD? She almost turned around to glare at her drink as though it were the culprit. You give me too much credit she thought the drink would reply to her. For a second she really thought she was crazy creating a dialog between herself and her poison of choice but she couldn't drop her focus away from blue eyes that seemed bluer than she remembered. They're definitely bluer. And she almost laughed out loud that her mind went to a Dr. Seuss quote-today you are you, there is no one alive who is youer than you.

Chloe seemed composed and beautiful. In her tan raincoat, red scarf, black pants, and blue blue eyes that Beca kept noticing even after her eyes drifted head to toe of her manifestation. The brunette tilted her head a little and turned around to get her drink. It was time to pour it out, drink some damn water and go to sleep.

"Are you going to let me in?" Chloe's soft voice said behind her and she almost cringed having heard her voice. It had been weeks since Chloe had called or took time to even lecture her about being safe in the city.

"Sure," she said nonchalantly but was annoyed with herself for letting alcohol get to her this much and heard Chloe step in. "We'll see if you're real in the morning," she said as she watched the last of her drink go down the drain.

"Beca," Chloe said with confusion and with a reaching tone. The red head didn't know if she could touch her. Beca had certainly looked better before. She didn't look trashed but tired…on the edge of being worn out. The smaller woman was gently setting the glass in the sink and watching it fill up with water. Methodically she rinsed it out and turned to get some ice. Chloe missed that Beca could be graceful when she was tipsy. She watched as Beca drank long from the glass and set it in the sink. "Beca," she said with more force and sighed when her own exhaustion moved into her.

"You're not real, it wasn't real…someone in a relationship wouldn't ignore a text…"she said to the counter and with a flat tone. "It takes four seconds to reply," she said with a frown that she was maybe having a conversation with a ghost and her frown deepened knowing she didn't believe in them.

"I…" she started and didn't want to give an excuse. That she needed space, that she wanted to see if it was worth it, how she wanted to see if emotions would lessen with time and space. "I'm sorry." She chose two words instead of a speech. "I love you," she said after a pause. It wasn't dramatic, she didn't raise her voice, but easily offered the truth.

"I loved you," Beca said after her own pause. Why am I talking to my imaginary "friend"? Wrapping her hand around the back of her neck she pulled at the tension. What could it hurt to be freaking honest? With another deep breath she admitted, "I love you." Pulled at the muscles in her neck again and added, "but it wasn't enough."

"It was enough. I'm here," she said stepping closer. "I want this." Her hands reached out and gently held Beca's hands now that they dropped from her poor attempt at a massage.

The physical touch did it.

She's here. Here… then her brain glitched and she couldn't process anymore. Instincts and repressed emotions came. Every worry she had for Chloe, every bit of anger from not hearing from her, happiness that she was here and calmness that she wasn't insane made her start to cry. Actually cry and commit to it, the emotions, the uncertainty, and the layers of it all.

"I'm here, I want to be here," Chloe admitted as she pulled Beca closer. She could count the amount of times she had seen Beca cry and tear up, but stay on the cusp of holding it in. This was Beca in rare form. Raw and painful to watch, but it was Beca. "I love you," she said as she touched the side of the smaller woman's face.

"..You love me…but are you going to try? It was cruel Chloe. You know I care, you know your family isn't going to contact me if you're hurt because they don't know I exist…what..what the hell is wrong with you?" Beca said reaching or coming back to the anger part of processing her ex being here.

"I want to be here," Chloe replied with certainty. It was gently said but it was words made of fine steel.

For a split second in her dissipating anger Beca thought then sleep on the couch.

"I want to be here," Chloe repeated as she stepped closer. She was mindful to not invade Beca's space and make this anymore uncomfortable than it was, but she needed to be closer to her.

"Don't.." Beca started and Chloe stopped moving. "Don't hurt me again like this. I'm serious. You'll hurt me, I'll hurt you, it'll happen. But don't do this again." She said with an edge and slight pleading which ticked her off to a degree.

"Okay." She replied gently. "I promise." Chloe offered.

"You can't promise that," Beca said through her cynicism that was more realistic than she wanted to admit.

"I promise Beca." Chloe said with an absolute tone, one that the red head refrained from having often because there was room for change if something wasn't absolute. This was different.

The taller woman moved in and kissed Beca's cheek. Small steps. She knew she had to earn Beca's trust, knew it wouldn't be easy and she didn't want them to rush this. They stood in the apartment together, making small movements, holding and trying to rebuild.

The End. Yes, it's not the best ending but it seems realistic. Hope this was enjoyable to some extent.