Rating: T-ish

Warnings: For the guys' potty mouths. Also ridiculous amounts of crack and implications of a threesome.

Word Count: ~1500 (complete)

Pairings: Gojyo/Hakkai/Sanzo (ish-thing?)

Summary: They're an elite team composed of a genius teenage hacker, a sleazy playboy with suspiciously chummy connections to the underworld, an ever-cheerful medic/wheelman /REDACTED, and Sanzo (enough said). They fight crime. (Sometimes. Mostly, everyone just hopes the precinct remains standing.)

Disclaimer: I don't hold the copyrights, I didn't create them, and I make no profit from this.

Notes: Complete, utter, unrepentant crack, because insomnia makes me do ridiculous things. This is part of a larger AU that exists solely within my brain and will likely never see the light of day, but I wanted to put it out there because it amuses me greatly.

(Title blatantly and shamelessly stolen from the Queen song, for no other reason than because it was on repeat while I wrote this.)

And Another One Bites the Dust

It's Yaone who passes on the warning when Gojyo gets to the precinct, swaggering in after a late night coordinating information drops and sharing drinks with informants. She's just on her way out, every line of her neat suit perfectly pressed, not a hair out of place, and really, if she and Hakkai ever had babies they'd take over the world with polite smiles and flawless efficiency inside of six months.

Not that Hakkai-babies are likely, though, unless Sanzo somehow manages to grow a womb. Or Gojyo does.

Yaone sees him in front of the elevator, and before he can offer a wave she's beckoning almost desperately for him. Raising an eyebrow in confusion—because of the members of Kougaiji's team, he's only really on speaking terms with his brother, and Yaone tends to gravitate towards Hakkai—Gojyo tucks his hands in his pockets and saunters over, smile already stretching to a leer, because that's his default.

But the smile vanishes like smoke at her hurried whisper of, "Detective Sanzo is quitting again!"

Gojyo feels all the blood drain from his face. Oh, god damn it, Hakkai.

Fucking Hakkai and his fucking health trips. If a little thing like smoking is capable of taking out Senior Detective Genjo Sanzo, Gojyo will eat his badge, pointy side first. Seriously, the man's indestructible. Gojyo's seen him take on a building full of bombs that were wired to blow, and then walk out of the rubble mostly unscathed.

So the smoking: not a problem. The quitting, on the other hand…

Well. Sanzo's not exactly even-tempered at the best of times, and since he tends to mainline caffeine when he's not allowed to touch his cigarettes, Sanzo kicking the habit becomes an exercise in how to survive hostile situations and urban warfare.

Gojyo checks his watch and tries not to groan. He'd given himself plenty of time to get here this morning—commuters were actually light, for once—but if he's going to be dealing with Sanzo in PMS-mode there isn't a big enough grace period in the world. His only hope is to get there early, keep his head down, and hope that they don't get a case. At least if they're not busy, Sanzo will generally storm around terrorizing the other departments for a while and then let them go home early.

If they do get a case, Merciful Goddess help the whole city in general and whoever gets in their way in particular. Sometimes Gojyo wonders if Hakkai doesn't bully Sanzo into quitting every few months just to clean house in the city's underworld, because if they get an assignment, Sanzo's going to tear through the less-legal side of the city like a very pissy hurricane. From past experience, Gojyo knows there'll be nothing left standing in his wake.

Of course, Gojyo's never allowed to have nice things, or even vaguely pleasant ones; the moment he steps out of the elevator, there's a heavy pack flying at his head. Gojyo yelps and grabs for it, even as—with a swirl of coffee- and incense-scented air—Senior Detective Genjo Sanzo stalks past him, one hand holding a travel mug in a death grip.

"We've got a case," he says shortly, his entire face one poorly-contained promise of violence. "The Commissioner insists."

Gojyo hides a wince at that. Kanzeon Bosatsu, Sanzo's aunt and the Police Commissioner, seems to take great delight in assigning them the very worst cases, and then sitting back and laughing as Sanzo's head explodes. The combination of her interference, a case, Sanzo being denied his beloved Marlboros, a limited supply of coffee while they're on the move, and the promise of actually having to interact with the rest of the human population—that's never, ever a good one. Were he even an ounce less the hardened police officer and swaggering criminal specialist that he is, Gojyo might be tempted to whimper.

Slipping into the elevator behind their unit leader, Hakkai offers Gojyo a rueful smile. "My apologies," he murmurs, and this time he actually looks like he means it. "Had I known, I would have waited until afterwards to insist he stop."

Gojyo vaguely wishes for a cigarette of his own, but, well, even he doesn't have that much of a death wish. God damn it.

"Yeah," he says with a weary sigh, wishing the whole day could just be over with. "Fuck."

Hakkai's smile matches his resigned expression. "Indeed."

Because he's a little shit and also still a teenager and therefore forbidden to do actual legwork regardless of his genius computer skills, Goku waves a smugly cheerful goodbye and props his boots up on Gojyo's desk.

Gojyo will someday commit history's most perfect murder, just wait and see.

Sometimes Gojyo wonders how many people have lost their fights with Sanzo solely because all that pretty made them stupid.

He's got a running tally, actually, and so far it's standing at seventy-nine sorry bastards who couldn't take their eyes off the Chief long enough to see their ass-kicking coming. Watching their current suspect stare avidly at the man, even though he's holding a gun pressed up against Sanzo's temple, Gojyo suspects that number's going to go up again. Sanzo's jaw is clenched, he's strung tighter than an over-tuned violin, and by Gojyo's estimation he hasn't had coffee in going on four hours. Now he's being held hostage by a twitchy suspect in a series of armored car robberies that the Commissioner's forcing them to investigate, and they've been on their feet and beating pavement for over fourteen hours.

Someone's going to die here. It's really only a question of when.

Sanzo blows out a long breath, the way he does when he really wants a cigarette. Gojyo's heard that sound a lot in the five years since Hakkai started on his anti-smoking campaign, but this time it's more akin to the sound a dragon would make when gearing up to roast a particularly annoying fucker. He and Hakkai both tense a bit, because Sanzo's temper, once it reaches a boiling point, makes the Hulk's look mild and manageable.

"You really don't want to do that," Sanzo says, more fact of life than warning.

The man leers and wiggles his hips against Sanzo's ass. Sanzo's expression goes from dangerous to arctic, and in one smooth movement he knocks the gun away, ducks out of the hold, and then lunges like a lion going in for the kill.

The bastard doesn't even have time to scream before he's out.

Their team has been on the move for going on eighty hours, there are roughly seventy-five new arrivals in the precinct holding cells, and Gojyo is absolutely done with shit already.

"Okay!" he says cheerfully, slapping his hands down on his desk and rising to his feet as soon as the last file is closed. Goku is asleep under the monitor bank, but Gojyo doesn't bother keeping his voice down. Kid snores like he's gargling gravel. Besides, his boyfriend Nataku should be here soon to pick him up. "I need to get laid. Anybody in?" Taking on his best sultry smile, he waggles his brows at their leader, because this is one method of working out Sanzo's frustration that he can totally get behind, even if it requires both him and Hakkai to see it through.

With a sharp snort, Sanzo rises to his feet, stalks into the elevator, and doesn't immediately close the doors, which is about as much of an invitation as they're ever going to get. Gojyo doesn't wait around for him to change his mind, but grabs his stuff and bolts, with Hakkai only a moment behind him.

Hot threesome with a terrifying and terrifyingly sexy bastard? Hell, yes.