Chaos III: Words.
Xellos stared at the youth.
He wondered if it was worth to suffer all that for him. Staring at Zel, dressed in a gray simple pullover and black pants, the change of clothes evidencing a passing or permanent lack of self- recognition, his lavender hair a bit longer, a couple of still wet strands framing his face gently, empty eyes staring at the quiet sunset and the passive apathy of those ones that that have an army of screaming voices inside them.
Was it worth to explain him something? Would there be any difference if he did?
Furious toughs: He is nothing to me, I don't care about him, He is an idiot if he thinks that I can't dismiss him one of these days...
He had left. Not because he was tired of him, but because he feared him, because he tough he could simply turn back and forget.
He sat beside the chimera, staring at the sunset.
The Beastmaster hated the chimera, because he needed him. He was more afraid of loneliness than the other creature, but the chimera was the one that didn't complained. That had hurt him. He had accepted the things, because there wasn't anything else to do. Zelgadiss had destroyed all his victories and with them all the futures he had planned, less one he refused to accept. Xellos had allowed the chimera to do so without realizing it. When he did it had been too late.
"Why?" asked the Beastmaster "Why it had to be us? Why were we supposed to pass threw this in this world and this life?" He had pronounced those words at the same time he tough them, more perplexed than furious, and Zelgadiss nothing said.
Why had he taken the decision of leave? Why? The Greater Beast wasn't unsatisfied with him for have taken a lover. Not sat all. She didn't even cared. As long as his obedience lay at her feet she didn't cared of what he did.
Xellos had abandoned him, not exactly because he had been convinced he was doing the best thing for the youth. In that moment he had actually believed he was thinking more clearly and thought that he still had time to leave without being affected, or at least keeping unaffected what was left of that mechanical being he had been before. Xellos Metallium didn't spend time questioning his mistress objectives, wondering why had he chosen a decision, analyzing his failures. But that wasn't important now. Or at least not yet.
"Do you know what was I thinking?" asked Xellos. When he noticed the barest of interest in the chimera's eyes, he continued. "I was thinking that there are only two kinds of persons: the ones that hate you and the ones that love you. No, no, those are from the same class. Actually there only are the ones that kill you, make you suffer and drive you crazy, and the ones you don't give a shit about."
"I won't go with Amelia." Said the chimera softly.
Xellos continued like if he hadn't heard him. "But then, the ones you don't care about end up without being noticed by you, right? They are there, even in front of your eyes but it's like you never actually saw them. And the other ones... Well, with the other ones you never know if you love them or hate them."
"And where am I supposed to be placed in that interesting theory, Xellos?" asked Zelgadiss. The tone as blank as his eyes. "I don't know. I wasn't speaking about you, or that's what I believe." "You know what?" asked the youth suddenly, violence in his voice "Those aren't the two kinds of persons. At least not for people like you. There are only the ones you fear and the ones you despise." And he smiled oddly. "Do you realize that now? Answer me."
Without say a single word Xellos kissed him, bit his lips, kissed him again, feeling that the youth's mouth was even dryer than his and finally letting him go with a frustrated sigh.
That same smile in Zelgadiss lips. It was cold, artificial, terrifying detached and private. Xellos realized he was afraid of him.
Xellos attacked with teeth and tongue his elven ears and neck, but when he tried to pull off his clothes Zel dig his sharp nails in Xellos neck.
"You didn't answered."
An order this time. Xellos was scared. This was what had made him run away. The dominance his lover could have over him. It wasn't that it bought pain, or that he had to obey him. It was...
"There still are two kinds of persons, chimera." He smiled what he guessed was the same disgusting sensuous cold smile of the youth. "Really? Which ones?" "The rest and Zelgadiss" hissed Xellos. "The bastard of Zelgadiss that makes me weak. The one that makes what I want."
And he rested all his weight over the youth's body, until he was lying in the dusty floor.
"You still think is like that?" asked Zel softly, his too thin wrist firmly grasped in Xellos hands although he wasn't making any movement of protest. "You are the problem."
Xellos sighed and rested his head in the chimera's chest, releasing his grip. The youth didn't moved.
"You are lost, right? You look calm, but the truth is that you are panicking." "That's why you came here." "Yes, that's why. Some time ago... yesterday I guess, I didn't knew what was I thinking. I'm lost. I can't remember what I think. I believe I don't want to."
Silence.
"When it happened, I couldn't believe it. Because what happened to us wasn't normal, shit, it wasn't even supposed to happen! " "..." "I preferred to think that it would soon come to be something I could look behind and say, "I lost my time with that?" But I don't think that will happen. I expected it to become boring and useless. " "And if it doesn't happen, what then, Xellos? What if it doesn't turn into something that dramatic and cruel? Why not? " "I can't resists it. It scares me." "Of course it does. Dawn scares. Means new beginning. Means face your wounds, your pain and your insufficiency"
Silence. A heartbeat.
"Once you asked me how did all this managed to happen." "I did." "Now I ask you: How did I allow it to happen?" "You never answered me." "You are not answering now."
Another heartbeat.
"Acceptance." "..." "I used to seek acceptance. But I didn't allow it for myself. Grandfather always accepted me " a cold laugh. "Of course he had to accept me. He made me." "We seek acceptance?" "We always do. But we don't accept it. Acceptance means submit, submit to what we have to change. Submission in its purest state. Submission brings within the need to oppose to the submission."
"Selfishness in its purest state." "We want it and deny it just the same."
Silence.
"I've just answered you question, Xellos, and you know what? I think I can answer the one I did time ago too."
Silence.
"Do you want to hear it?"
Xellos closed his eyes, breathing the missed scent of his lover and shook his head.
Xellos stared at the youth.
He wondered if it was worth to suffer all that for him. Staring at Zel, dressed in a gray simple pullover and black pants, the change of clothes evidencing a passing or permanent lack of self- recognition, his lavender hair a bit longer, a couple of still wet strands framing his face gently, empty eyes staring at the quiet sunset and the passive apathy of those ones that that have an army of screaming voices inside them.
Was it worth to explain him something? Would there be any difference if he did?
Furious toughs: He is nothing to me, I don't care about him, He is an idiot if he thinks that I can't dismiss him one of these days...
He had left. Not because he was tired of him, but because he feared him, because he tough he could simply turn back and forget.
He sat beside the chimera, staring at the sunset.
The Beastmaster hated the chimera, because he needed him. He was more afraid of loneliness than the other creature, but the chimera was the one that didn't complained. That had hurt him. He had accepted the things, because there wasn't anything else to do. Zelgadiss had destroyed all his victories and with them all the futures he had planned, less one he refused to accept. Xellos had allowed the chimera to do so without realizing it. When he did it had been too late.
"Why?" asked the Beastmaster "Why it had to be us? Why were we supposed to pass threw this in this world and this life?" He had pronounced those words at the same time he tough them, more perplexed than furious, and Zelgadiss nothing said.
Why had he taken the decision of leave? Why? The Greater Beast wasn't unsatisfied with him for have taken a lover. Not sat all. She didn't even cared. As long as his obedience lay at her feet she didn't cared of what he did.
Xellos had abandoned him, not exactly because he had been convinced he was doing the best thing for the youth. In that moment he had actually believed he was thinking more clearly and thought that he still had time to leave without being affected, or at least keeping unaffected what was left of that mechanical being he had been before. Xellos Metallium didn't spend time questioning his mistress objectives, wondering why had he chosen a decision, analyzing his failures. But that wasn't important now. Or at least not yet.
"Do you know what was I thinking?" asked Xellos. When he noticed the barest of interest in the chimera's eyes, he continued. "I was thinking that there are only two kinds of persons: the ones that hate you and the ones that love you. No, no, those are from the same class. Actually there only are the ones that kill you, make you suffer and drive you crazy, and the ones you don't give a shit about."
"I won't go with Amelia." Said the chimera softly.
Xellos continued like if he hadn't heard him. "But then, the ones you don't care about end up without being noticed by you, right? They are there, even in front of your eyes but it's like you never actually saw them. And the other ones... Well, with the other ones you never know if you love them or hate them."
"And where am I supposed to be placed in that interesting theory, Xellos?" asked Zelgadiss. The tone as blank as his eyes. "I don't know. I wasn't speaking about you, or that's what I believe." "You know what?" asked the youth suddenly, violence in his voice "Those aren't the two kinds of persons. At least not for people like you. There are only the ones you fear and the ones you despise." And he smiled oddly. "Do you realize that now? Answer me."
Without say a single word Xellos kissed him, bit his lips, kissed him again, feeling that the youth's mouth was even dryer than his and finally letting him go with a frustrated sigh.
That same smile in Zelgadiss lips. It was cold, artificial, terrifying detached and private. Xellos realized he was afraid of him.
Xellos attacked with teeth and tongue his elven ears and neck, but when he tried to pull off his clothes Zel dig his sharp nails in Xellos neck.
"You didn't answered."
An order this time. Xellos was scared. This was what had made him run away. The dominance his lover could have over him. It wasn't that it bought pain, or that he had to obey him. It was...
"There still are two kinds of persons, chimera." He smiled what he guessed was the same disgusting sensuous cold smile of the youth. "Really? Which ones?" "The rest and Zelgadiss" hissed Xellos. "The bastard of Zelgadiss that makes me weak. The one that makes what I want."
And he rested all his weight over the youth's body, until he was lying in the dusty floor.
"You still think is like that?" asked Zel softly, his too thin wrist firmly grasped in Xellos hands although he wasn't making any movement of protest. "You are the problem."
Xellos sighed and rested his head in the chimera's chest, releasing his grip. The youth didn't moved.
"You are lost, right? You look calm, but the truth is that you are panicking." "That's why you came here." "Yes, that's why. Some time ago... yesterday I guess, I didn't knew what was I thinking. I'm lost. I can't remember what I think. I believe I don't want to."
Silence.
"When it happened, I couldn't believe it. Because what happened to us wasn't normal, shit, it wasn't even supposed to happen! " "..." "I preferred to think that it would soon come to be something I could look behind and say, "I lost my time with that?" But I don't think that will happen. I expected it to become boring and useless. " "And if it doesn't happen, what then, Xellos? What if it doesn't turn into something that dramatic and cruel? Why not? " "I can't resists it. It scares me." "Of course it does. Dawn scares. Means new beginning. Means face your wounds, your pain and your insufficiency"
Silence. A heartbeat.
"Once you asked me how did all this managed to happen." "I did." "Now I ask you: How did I allow it to happen?" "You never answered me." "You are not answering now."
Another heartbeat.
"Acceptance." "..." "I used to seek acceptance. But I didn't allow it for myself. Grandfather always accepted me " a cold laugh. "Of course he had to accept me. He made me." "We seek acceptance?" "We always do. But we don't accept it. Acceptance means submit, submit to what we have to change. Submission in its purest state. Submission brings within the need to oppose to the submission."
"Selfishness in its purest state." "We want it and deny it just the same."
Silence.
"I've just answered you question, Xellos, and you know what? I think I can answer the one I did time ago too."
Silence.
"Do you want to hear it?"
Xellos closed his eyes, breathing the missed scent of his lover and shook his head.