A/N: betaed by the wonderful dee and nattie. :) written for jily week 2. characters belong to JKR. UPDATE: yelled at me for including most of the lyrics to "youth" by daughter, so here it is cleaned up.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

-Youth (Daughter)

'Lily,' he said, taking a deep breath. She glanced up at the sound of his voice and flashed him a smile. His heart jumped but he ignored it.

'Give me a second, yeah? I've just got to finish this…' She bent over the stack of papers she was poring over and James took the chance to just look at her. Bright hair that spilled down her back, fingers that tapped away at the desk when she was concentrating, lips that were soft, so soft under his—

But he couldn't think of that right now. There was business to be done.

'Your mother knows how to throw a party,' Lily commented, surveying the ballroom with wide eyes. James let out a rueful chuckle.

'Yeah, she does this every year.'

'Every year? I reckon it would take a year to decorate to this standard.'

'Nah, she Charms it all. It takes maybe a week.'

'And then she just Vanishes it all away, I'm guessing.'

James grinned. 'Gone in an instant.'

'Bloody wizards taking the shortcuts,' she grumbled as she fixed her hair. He just laughed.

'Alright, what do you need?' she asked, pushing the papers away. He swallowed and took a step closer to her. Her expression morphed into concern when he didn't say anything. 'Are you alright? Did someone hurt—'

'No, I'm fine. Just… looking for the right words.'

'Ah, James!' a well-dressed wizard said a while later. James looked up from the punch bowl and forced a smile. 'It's been too long! I haven't seen you around the Ministry in ages.'

'Yeah, I've been at Hogwarts.'

'Too busy with Transfiguration to say hello to an old friend, eh?'

'Something like that,' he answered, handing Lily a glass of punch. The man's eyes widened as he caught sight of the stunning redhead.

'And who is this?'

'Lily Evans, sir,' she said, offering a hand. The man frowned.

'Evans? I don't recognize…'

'My parents don't work at the Ministry.' She retracted her unshaken hand with a quick glance at James. 'I'm Muggleborn.'

'That explains it,' the man said, a bit stiffly. He swirled his drink and refused to meet her gaze. 'I've got to go speak to someone. It was nice seeing you, James.'

'Obviously something's wrong.' She pressed her lips together. 'I've known you seven years and you're never speechless.'

'I don't think… I don't think I can do this anymore.' His voice was hollow in his own ears. Dead, it seemed. Frowning, she stood up and crossed over to where he was standing.

'Is it getting to be too much?'

'Yeah, I suppose.'

'We can talk to Dumbledore, maybe he can help figure something out. I can do the next meetings so you can concentrate on the game and—'

'What are you talking about?'

'How do your parents feel about it?' James pushed his grimace into a smile and turned towards the voice. It was—unfortunately—his mother's great-aunt, a lady who was rather old and rather nasty when she wanted to be.

'Feel about what?'

'Your relationship with that Muggle girl, of course,' the woman said, sipping more of her Firewhiskey. James sighed. If she was drunk, she was meaner.

'She's not a Muggle.'

'Might as well be, with her lineage.'

'Aunt Gertrude, I—'

'No, no. You can shut your mouth and listen to me. I still can't believe your parents let her come to this ball. I tried to tell your mother, but she didn't listen either.

Lily's frown deepened. 'I'm talking about you not being able to handle Head Duties and Quidditch Captain at the same time. The game that's coming up, it's too stressful to do both at the moment, yeah?'

He stared down at her. 'You think I'm talking about Quidditch?'

If only it were that simple.

'She's my girlfriend. Why shouldn't she come?'

'Well, for one, she's a Muggle—'

'She's not—'

'She might as well be and you've thrown her to the sharks here.' Gertrude nodded to a huddle in the corner. 'There're the Lestranges and the Rosiers. You know all about them, don't you?'

'Why are they here? Mother would never—'

'I invited them, stupid boy. They're old blood and it's tradition. They had to come.'

Lily cocked her head to one side. 'What are you talking about then?'

He took another deep breath, gathering his courage. 'This. I can't do this. It's too much.' He motioned between them, to the lack of space and their entwined hands. He hadn't even realized they were holding hands. He glanced at Lily and was met with absolute shock.

'You…' she managed to get out, but shook her head.

'It's your fault then,' James said, glaring at the woman.

She cackled. 'No, I'm just preparing you for what's to come.'

'Gertrude—'

'You think the real world is going to be like Hogwarts? All safe and protected and in a constant state of suspended belief? It's alright to fraternize with Muggles inside those halls, but outside in this political state…' she took another drink. 'Outside, it's just a death wish.'

'I can handle myself.'

'Maybe. But can she handle it?'

'What do you mean?'

'I don't believe you. Is this a joke? It's not funny, James.'

'It's not a joke.'

She stepped back, letting go of his hand and crossing her arms. 'What is it then?'

He wiped his face of emotion and shrugged. 'It's being honest. I'm…breaking up with you. I'm sorry. I should have known it wasn't going to work.'

'Excuse me?'

'A relationship built on a fantasy isn't a good thing. I'm sorry. It was fun while it lasted.'

James stared at his great aunt incredulously. The old lady took another drink and smirked at him.

'Is your Muggle girlfriend willing to have a death wish?'

'You're crazy.'

'When she's dating you, when you're bringing her to parties like this, she's noticeable. Memorable.'

'As she should be. She's beautiful,' he said, watching Lily whirl around and laugh with Remus on the dance floor. A quiet snarl brought his attention to the group in the corner. They were watching Lily as well, watching with a gaze he didn't like at all. 'She can take care of herself. And I'll stand with her. She won't have to face anyone alone.'

'But if she isn't with you, she fades back into her Muggle normalcy, not bringing attention to herself, not becoming known to those like the Rosiers and Lestranges, not in danger. She can live a normal life.'

'It was fun while it lasted? Are you serious?' she exploded, throwing her hands up in the air. He kept himself from flinching, but he took a step back. 'Was that all I ever was? A fun time?'

No. 'You were a good distraction,' he said with another shrug. It hurt, physically hurt to say the words. This whole conversation was painful but it would be better this way.

'A distraction?' She began to laugh, a humourless sound, and dropped into the chair nearby. 'He was right; he was bloody right. I can't believe it.'

'Who was right?'

She met his gaze then but he looked away, not able to tolerate the pain there. 'Severus was right.'

He winced.

'He was right and I was a fool for thinking otherwise. You haven't changed at all, have you? You're still the same old arrogant boy that you were two years ago.' Her voice grew until she was yelling, demanding his attention. Anger was good. He could take anger. 'Now tell me, Potter, what was so vexing that you needed me to distract you?'

'Life, in particular.'

She let out a hiss and froze, her eyes widening. 'Tell me the truth, Potter,' she said, spitting out his name like it was poison. 'Are you ashamed of having a Mudblood for a girlfriend? Is that what this is about?'

He looked away and fixed his gaze somewhere else. She laughed again.

'I knew you were an idiot, but isn't this a surprise?' she mocked, every word like a fist to his gut. 'I never thought you were this spineless. I thought you were better than that. I thought you wouldn't listen to them, but here you are. You're nothing but a coward.' With that, she shoved past him and stalked out the door.

He waited until her footsteps had faded away and then collapsed into her vacated chair. Running a hand over his face, he let out a sigh. She was wrong. It had taken every ounce of his courage to say those words to her, to push her far enough away so she would be safe. He wasn't a coward.

Time faded away and he stayed slumped over, not thinking, not feeling. The clock sounded a warning and he dimly realized that he had to get up eventually. He stood.

The walk to his dormitory was short, hazy. He glanced down at his fingers several times to make sure he wasn't turning to stone, that this numb feeling was him actually dying. No, it seemed contained to his heart and his mind. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn't feel pain. Maybe it meant it was the right thing to do.

He clambered through the portrait hole—did he even give the password?—and automatically scanned the common room for a familiar head of red hair. He pretended he didn't feel the drop of his stomach at her absence. He also pretended he didn't feel the relief.

Pushing open the door, he stopped at the sight of three wary faces. They stared at him and he at them for a moment.

Remus spoke first. 'James…'

'What the hell?' Sirius interrupted, crossing his arms and scowling. James stepped back and leaned against the door.

'We saw Lily,' said Peter, his eyes flickering between James and Sirius.

'A distraction? That's what you told her?' demanded Sirius. James shrugged, faintly registering a bit of surprise that Sirius of all people would rise to Lily's defence. He'd expected Peter or Remus.

'It's the truth.'

'Like hell it is.'

'It's the truth now.'

'Sirius, he's hurting,' Remus interjected, stepping between the two. Sirius glared.

'I want to know why.'

James was too tired for this. 'Go ask Great-Aunt Gertrude,' he said bitterly, pushing past Remus and heading to his bed. He jerked his curtains shut and stared up at the ceiling.

'Now do you think I'm crazy?' Gertrude asked, levelling a stare at him. He swallowed and shook his head. 'I didn't think so,' she said smugly.

'Thank you for your input. I'm going to go dance now.'

'Do the right thing, James,' she called after him. 'Muster up some of that Gryffindor courage and be a man.'

'I did the right thing,' he whispered to the darkness. He waited for an answer, but all he felt was the sting of tears at the back of his eyes.

He sat up hours later, stiff and angry. He couldn't stand it in here, where she was everywhere. He wouldn't cry here where she had held him when his father died. He needed to get out, get where she was not.

Grabbing the Cloak off his headboard, he let his feet wander mindlessly. It wasn't until he was in the middle of the forest that he realized what he wanted to do. Changing into his stag form, he found the pain was easier to handle. He turned his back to Hogwarts and ran away.

One month. One bloody long excruciating month since he had broken her heart and she still couldn't breathe right. The anger hadn't left either. She fumed from the moment she got up until she sank into her sheets. Only in the dark did she let the despair come crashing down. Being angry was better. It was manageable. Tears were not.

Any interaction they had was short, terse, filled with memories and therefore painful as hell. Every time she said his name, she stumbled over the letters, not knowing how to flush out the sigh that had preceded the hurt. She didn't say his first name often; 'Potter' was easier to snarl.

She saw his guard go up every time she spoke. He had pushed all the right buttons that night and she had opened her mouth and let loose every arrow she could. Something had snapped inside her and she couldn't take those words back. She didn't want to. She wanted him to feel the sting she did.

It wasn't healthy. It wasn't right. She knew that; she didn't need other people to tell her.

But he had said I love you, had whispered it into her hair and muttered it against her lips, had sung it out like those bloody words meant something. He had screwed her over completely, had played with her emotions, had chewed her up and spat her out and now she wanted to rip every I love you from where he had laid it on her skin.

Anger had made her into a poet, or maybe it had been love. Either way, she just turned the verses around in her mind and refused to let them loose.

A 'distraction'. A 'fun time'.

Screw love.

'Lily?' Her heart pounded, then stilled at her name. It wasn't him. Was that relief or sadness coursing through her veins?

'Yeah?' she asked, pushing herself up off the desk where she had laid her head. It was Caleb Prentiss, a fellow seventh year and prefect from Ravenclaw.

'How are you?'

'I'm good. Just tired,' she said, shrugging. Her eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar figure walking through the door, laughing with his friends. She focused her attention back on Caleb. 'How about you?'

'Fine.' He didn't look fine. He looked nervous. 'I wanted to ask you something.'

'Go ahead.'

He took a deep breath. 'I know you've been busy and there was that, erm, thing with Potter, but I thought you might like to go to Hogsmeade. With me.'

Over Caleb's shoulder, she saw Ja- him freeze and she knew he had heard. Caleb was nice. Cute, in an everyday sort of way. He was everything opposite of him. He was perfect.

She locked eyes with him and raised her eyebrows.

'I'd love to.'

'Wonderful!' Caleb said, grinning. 'I'll pick you up around eight, then?'

'It's a date,' she answered smoothly. He looked away, his eyes flickering around the classroom, trying to appear nonchalant. His gaze had stayed too long on her for her to think otherwise.

She realized Caleb was staring at her expectantly. 'What did you say? I'm sorry, I was distracted.'

'Is the Three Broomsticks alright? We could go to Madame Puddifoot's if you'd rather…?'

'No, no. I wouldn't subject you to that torture. I love the Three Broomsticks.'

He smiled at her again and she felt herself responding in kind. He sat next to her for the lesson and she worked to keep her attention on him instead of the two heads of dark hair sitting two rows ahead.

'I was going to walk you to your next class,' Caleb told her as the class ended. Nodding, she tucked her arm into Caleb's and laughed at far too many of his jokes. When they arrived, he pecked her on the cheek and stepped away, looking pleased. She pressed her hand to her cheek and willed herself to enjoy it. She offered a weak smile and he grinned in return.

Friday came with little fanfare and much dread. Saturday was her…date. Caleb was sweet. He walked her to every class and carried her bag when he remembered to.

He was exhausting.

Lily dropped into an empty chair in the back of the classroom and put her bag on its mate.

'James, you know Great-Aunt Gertrude is mental. We decided that when she invited my mother to the party last year.' Lily stifled a groan in her arms. Did they have to sit right behind her? Did they have to be so bloody loud?

'So?'

'Anything she says is mad!'

'She was right about this.'

'Have you seriously convinced yourself of that? You don't sound convinced. You don't look convinced. You look pale, actually. Have you been sleeping?'

'Sure.'

'Much?' Hehadbeen looking pale earlier. Tired. Faded. Not that she had noticed.

'Sirius, leave it.'

'If you would just talk to her—' She could tell by Sirius' tone that it was an old argument. She didn't doubt that she was the one mentioned.

'I can't. She won't listen.'

Sirius snorted. 'Because you're spouting nonsense.'

'I think she hates me.' His words were muffled and quiet, as if he was speaking through his hands.

'We've been over this, James. She hates you as much as you hate her.'

'You didn't hear—'

'She doesn't hate you.'

'I wouldn't blame her if she hated me. I hate myself.'

'Now is not the time for a pity session, James. Wait until after tonight. We need you at your best.'

'I know.' He paused for a moment. 'On the positive side, she hasn't been attacked. It worked.'

'That you know of.'

'I would know.'

'Are you certain?'

'Sirius—'

'Could it have been just a coincidence?'

'It wasn't a coincidence.'

'Twice. Twice in the past two weeks. I'm not sure how many before that.'

Another long, weighted pause. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'You didn't need to know.'

'Shit.'

'You're deep in it, mate.'

Lily shot to her feet, to the surprise of the entire class and Professor Flitwick. She couldn't take it anymore; she couldn't be in here anymore. It was too small; sound carried too well.

'Miss Evans?' Flitwick asked hesitantly. 'Can I help you?'

'I'm not feeling well,' she gasped. 'Can I go to the hospital wing?'

He waved a hand and sent her off with an anxious look. She swept her belongings off the table and practically ran out of the classroom, desperately avoiding the desk behind her.

Later that night, she ran outside with an old shirt of James'. She had been sleeping with it, to her chagrin, but it was time to get rid of it. She burned it until only ashes remained, convincing herself that she hated James Potter.

After the ritual, she paused. She couldn't face the common room, with its stares and people. She couldn't go to the Great Hall for the same reason. Perhaps the Astronomy Tower was best.

It was mercifully empty. She leaned her back against the wall and breathed in untainted air.

'Lily?' She opened her eyes and immediately wished she was dreaming. 'Are you alright?' She gave herself a pinch and sighed. Not dreaming.

'Why would you care?' she mumbled, refusing to look at him. He let out a sigh of his own and sat down next to her. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed him away.

'Who attacked you?'

'Why would you care?' she repeated, feeling the familiar rage rise up.

'I thought it would stop.'

'It didn't.' Her stupid voice caught. He noticed, of course he noticed.

'Are you… are you going to cry?'

'Is that what you want, James?' She finally met his gaze, keeping hers full of venom. 'Do you want me to tell you that I cried over you for weeks because you broke up with me?'

'Lily—'

'Because I didn't, James. Not one tear. Not one sob. Not one—'

He leaned forward and kissed her before she finished her sentence, before she realized what he was doing. Her traitorous fingers wound into his hair and traced his cheekbones. Her traitorous lips kissed him back, enjoying the feel of him. Her traitorous body sang because this was right, it was good, it was something she missed.

He broke away for a breath, but leaned his forehead against hers. 'Don't go to Hogsmeade with Prentiss tomorrow. Don't go.'

And then his mouth was back on hers and she was lost in him again. His hands were on her face, angling it just so. There was salt in the kiss, and she didn't know if she was crying or he was but there it was mixed in. She realized he was whispering apologies into her skin.

'I'm sorry,' he said and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

'I'm sorry,' he said and pressed a kiss to her throat.

'I'm sorry,' he said and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

'I'm sorry,' he said and pressed a kiss to her lips, swollen already. 'I was wrong, so bloody wrong, but I couldn't see you hurt and she said—' He broke off here, dropping his head onto her shoulder. His words came out in a rush. 'She said it was a death wish to be with you, that you were going to die if I was with you. But it didn't stop, did it? And I'm so, so sorry and I was a coward and an idiot. It took everything I had to give you up, Lily. It nearly killed me and I hate—I hate myself for it.' His fingers tightened around her waist, his voice coming out ragged, but he raised his head to look at her. 'What could I do? I love you—'

'Stop,' she said, finding her words at last. 'Stop.'

He pulled his hands back into his own lap, staring down at her with confusion etched all over his face.

'You don't get to say that. Not after what you did.'

'It's true.'

'I don't want to hear it. I don't want you touching me,' she snapped, dodging his hand as he reached for her. 'I don't want to talk to you anymore.' And now she was really crying, the tears pouring down her cheeks, stinging like mad. 'You said you loved me and then you left. You left, James. And I can't do that again.'

She jumped to her feet and edged away from him. He rose as well.

'You're leaving now, Lily. Don't go.'

'I can't stay. I can't— You can't— Goodbye, James.'

She whirled away from him, running down the steps as fast as she could. She couldn't escape from the thud his hand made as it crashed into the wall. She couldn't escape the sight of his silhouette hunched against the wall. She couldn't escape the words echoing down through her mind and reverberating through her bones—

I love you. I love you. I love you.