Dark Memories

Warnings: Past mentions of rape/gang-raped, murder/rape.

Summary: 45 years ago, Edward left Bella. She is now living humanly and is happy. Or, at least Edward keeps telling himself that. DARK-STORY

"This is a nice restaurant, dear." Esme told Carlisle, sitting next to him with a smile.

Carlisle nodded with a smile back, "Yes, I thought so as well. Just a small family moment for us."

Family...what a wrong word to use nowadays. Without Bella around anymore: family was a useless term to me. Many years had passed me by with Bella being human somewhere as she aged. She could very well be dead by now. She would be sixty-two today, September 13th. It was the real reason we were coming out tonight; we were silently celebrating a human's birthday whom I wished back with me like when she was seventeen. Bella Swan was aging, but I wasn't; and that was the most depressing thought ever.

"Edward?" Jasper nudged me with his elbow.

I blinked and turned to him, then to Carlisle who he motioned to with his eyes. "Yes?" I asked him.

'I asked if you would like to light a candle again?' He asked me in his head, a sorrowful tone and gleam in his eyes.

"What's the point? It won't bring her back." I huffed lightly, looking away from him and fending off the venom pooling in my eyes.

"It's the thought that counts, sweetheart. You've been doing it for so long now; don't break your tradition." Esme rubbed my arm lightly.

45 years later, and a single wish I had asked for over and over never came true.

"C'mon, Ed. It's a special day. Don't be so hard on yourself." Emmett told me lowly so no humans passing by with their families and friends didn't overhear.

"Hard on myself?" I looked at him. I was being hard on myself? I hadn't really noticed.

He nodded, "Edward, it's been 45 years. We all miss her, but beating yourself up for a judgment call for the rest of eternity isn't worth it. She's probably lived a good, long, happy life, alright? We can only be happy for her."

Alice nodded. "She'd want us to be happy, Edward. At least give yourself the chance."

"No thanks. Just order the food, Carlisle." I told my father to just get this night over with.

"...very well, son."

The evening went on terribly slow, and I couldn't wait to end it. The food had no taste as always, the conversation was light as ever with the others talking nonstop about useless things, and Rosalie was cursing me in her mind for not being apart of the family once more. All was normal for all, and the night was miserable as the others.

"Can you at least pretend to be happy tonight?" Rosalie finally set her fork down and looked at me with gold eyes.

"Leave him alone, Rose." Jasper defended me; the normal when it came to most days. "He's doing fine."

"Are you seriously just going to sit there and act like you didn't make the right choice?" Rosalie went on.

Alice made a noise directed at Rosalie, "Rose. Stop."

"No," She shook her head. "I'm tired of the moping and groaning, Edward. It's been 45 years, let her go." She hissed lowly.

I gave her one look, set down my fork and napkin that had been on my lap, and stood up with Carlisle starting to plead to me not to leave with Esme joining. "I lost my mate, Rosalie. The least you can do is show some pity." I told her, fending off the venom pooling in my eyes over the mention of Bella once more. Rosalie started to re-think her statements, but it was too late now, "Excuse me. I'm driving back to the house now; enjoy your night."

"Edward, don't leave!" Alice pleaded with me from the table as I walked away, ignoring their calls and Jasper's 'way to go, Rosalie'.

I wasn't staying tonight. Bella's birthday was too emotional for me, and I didn't feel like breaking down crying in a restaurant full of nosy humans that wouldn't understand why I was completely upset.

Later in the morning hours, after Carlisle called off work for some reason, I was sitting alone in my room – as normal – and simply staring a single picture I had of Bella and myself when she was young and beautiful. I bet Bella was still beautiful now if she was alive in her old age. I wonder if she still had her spark of defiance and cheeky words of sarcasm. Bella really had been the best woman I had ever known. She even surpassed my own birth mother, which seemed impossible to do before she came along.

My Bella in the picture had her long, beautiful chocolate hair cascading down her back. Her warm brown eyes were looking to the camera with a smile on her ivory face. I was next to her smiling back at the camera, too. This football game we had both gone to had been a perfect night to me; we had been together, and that was that mattered to me.

"Edward?" A soft knock on my door alerted me that Carlisle had actually come up here.

"What?" I asked him, not bothering to be polite right now as I set the important picture on the window sill; the snowy backdrop of Alaska was adding on the beauty of the picture I had frozen in my memories.

Carlisle came in and sat down on the couch near me. "Son, please talk to me. I fear you're just getting worse by keeping all this inside you."

"What are you talking about, Carlisle?" I asked him, turning my dark eyes to his light gold.

"I'm talking about your mourning of Bella, son. You keeping all this to yourself isn't healthy. At least talk to me, Edward." Carlisle pleaded me.

I sighed in my head and probably outside it. "I'm fine, Carlisle."

"Stop lying to me, Edward. We all know very well you aren't fine."

"What does that mean? If I recall correctly: some of you think I should just get over Bella, not talk about her." I reminded him scathingly while turning to look back out the window.

Carlisle seemed very shocked at the hostile tone I used. "Edward..."

"Just stop, Carlisle." I sneered and jump off the couch and to the middle of my room with speed. "I already know everyone's tired of all this. Sorry If I can't move past the one great thing that's ever happened to me, and sorry if I can't talk about it because I want to cry when I even picture Bella in my head...but I've spent 45 years wanting this girl back, and no one can give her back to me." I ranted off.

"Edward, she's gone; she's sixty-two, son. She must have lived a good life. You have to believe that. You can find happiness again, son; you just need to stop looking in the past." Carlisle stood up as well, but stood near my couch as he spoke back to me more calmly and softly.

"I have nothing but the past, Carlisle. I can't have my happiness because someone won't let me just go to the Volturri and end it there. No," I hissed. "SOMEONE just can't let go of one useless soul."

"I will never let you go, Edward. If I can help you, then I will not give up on you. You're my first son; I can't let you go. Killing yourself isn't the answer..." He paused, "how long have you felt this way? That killing yourself will make it all better?"

"Don't play doctor with me, Carlisle. I don't play shrink these days." I growled lowly at him, facing the bookshelf where the old withered copy of Wuthering Heights was innocently sitting with the collection of Romeo and Juliet, and That Was Then, This is Now. All were Bella's favorites...

"I'm not playing with you, Edward Anthony. How long have you thought of killing yourself?"

I rolled my eyes. "Play with Rosalie or something, Carlisle. I'm not in the mood." I chose not to answer him. How could you say that you felt this way for 45 years now? Without Bella: life was completely useless.

Immortality was nothing when you didn't have your partner beside you.

Days and months past by, and nothing was getting better. If at all...it was getting worse. I couldn't get one second alone unless hunting, and I wasn't attempting to do even that. Maybe if I starved I would be able to see Bella again.

It seemed like I didn't have to starve though. Tricks on a mind were doing just fine on its' own. Bella was everywhere I looked. Her youthful figure was always lingering somewhere in the house, a smile was always on her face, and her brown eyes always sparkled. It was starting to worry Jasper who claimed to have been feeling spikes of hope and longing in me on random occasions. All thought I was about to take a daring dash away, but I wasn't going anywhere if Bella lingered here with me.

"Edward, can we talk?" Rosalie was at my door, interrupting my hundredth examination of Bella who stood at my bookshelf staring back at me as she leaned on the black furniture.

"Go ahead." I invited her in neutrally, not bothering to look at her since Bella was more important.

She came in, and took a glance at where I was staring before, "Edward, I want to know the truth." Rose declared.

I blinked and turned my eyes to her bright ones. When had she hunted? She hadn't left the house in the last three days... "The truth? On what?" I asked her, deeply curious on what she meant.

She seemed to hesitate before she asked me the oddest question. "Do you see Bella?"

I had to freeze at her question while giving a slow blink. I heard Bella give a soft gasp,

"She's going to take me away from you..." Bella sounded so afraid, and I couldn't just let her be afraid.

"I asked you a question, Edward." Rosalie interrupted my rapid thoughts of how to make Bella feel better.

"Why would you even ask me that, Rosalie?" I questioned her, deeply curious on why.

"Because we need to know if you see her. Do you see Bella?" My sister repeated her question once more in a more slow fashion.

I paused... "Why would I tell you if I did?"

She grew a strange look on her face at the tone of my voice; blank, and nothing in it. "Why wouldn't you?" She countered.

"Why should I have to?"

"Stop playing games, Edward. Just answer the da-" Rosalie started to curse at me, but was cut off my Jasper appearing in my door way.

"That's enough, Rose." He stopped her from continuing.

"You know we need -"

"I said," Jasper started again, "that's enough. Go do something with Alice, and leave Edward alone." He ordered her, a dark glower in his honey eyes.

I couldn't help but twitch my lips at Rosalie's scoff of being told what to do, and I turned away from both siblings to look back at Bella. She gave me a smile as thanks of not letting them take her. I would give anything for her to make her happy.

Just a few days past since then, and I was looking out the window into the forest past the snowy grounds of the house. I was awfully hungry, but if I ate, Bella would be gone.

"Edward?"

I made a noise, not answering back to Carlisle who was in my room now.

"Edward, you cannot sit here any longer. You need to hunt, Edward." Carlisle said firmly, standing behind me now.

"Not right now." I told him softly.

"Why not, Edward? Son, it's been so long since you've hunted. You cannot go any longer without blood." He sounded very confused on my response.

I chuckled lowly, but didn't answer the question. Bella was being absolutely silly down in the snow; she was making snow angels right now and waving at me. She was having a spectacular time down there, and I was happy she was enjoying herself.

"There's always the option of sweeter blood. The one blood he can't resist." Jasper started to speak to Carlisle.

"Jasper, are you suggesting..."

"Yes. Human blood is something he can't refuse, and he'll feed until full, no questions asked."

Esme gasped, "We can't make him feed from humans! Since his rebellion ended, Edward pleaded with Carlisle to not let him drink from humans!" She claimed to the soldier who turned his eyes to Edward's still body that was looking out his window still with a ghost of a smile on his face once more.

"We don't have a choice anymore, Esme. He's starving himself. If human blood makes him eat, then so be it." Alice declared for Jasper's side.

"He's just doing it to see Bella. He can see her without blood in him. He just wants to see her again." Emmett told them, full of sadness for his suffering brother.

Carlisle sighed. "But we can't let him starve himself. It's too dangerous for him. He can't use his ability any longer due to lack of blood. He won't move from that window or acknowledge us anymore; since Bella's 62nd birthday, I'm afraid he's too gone." This was very upsetting for him. That was his firstborn son suffering, and he couldn't do anything to help him anymore.

"47 years is a long time to mourn a mate while being sane, Carlisle. He needs blood: or we'll lose him like we did Bella." Jasper claimed surely.

Rosalie suddenly asked, in a very quiet voice, "Does he even remember that she died because of James?"

No one answered. No one knew for sure if he even recalled that Bella and him had suffered at the hands of James.

"I'll get the humans in range. Everyone else: leave as far as you can for a few hours." Jasper ordered firmly, spinning on his heel and stalking away with Alice to get the chosen, sweetest humans to be meals for their suffering brother.

Carlisle remained in the spot in side Edward's doorway; he wasn't noticed by Edward anymore; his son was too preoccupied staring after some hallucination of his mate that was too young to die at the torturous hands of James. His son was too young to have suffered by James as well. Carlisle had to know if Edward remembered anything from March 2005, or if he just blanked it all out and created an entire world to sooth himself.

I was watching Bella again. She was just playing in the snow like always until a strong, sweet scent hit my senses like a freight train. I didn't notice Bella look up at me with fear since I made a quick dash through the bedroom window for the forest where the delectable scent led me from.

"Don't go! Please!" Bella's voice called to me, but I didn't stop my path.

The scent was closer.

"Don't do it!"

Make a right at the oak tree.

"Please don't go!"

Run forward until you catch that dark-skinned male standing with a bleeding arm and a frightfully confused face.

"Don't do it, please!"

The sweetest taste I hadn't had since 1927 filled my mouth in quick pulls from the artery I punctures in the man's neck. I hadn't tasted the sweet blood of a human in so long, and I couldn't resist another taste from a female nearby after the man was drained and useless. My hunger started to rise up with a vengeance, and I couldn't remember the last time I had fed and felt this full.

One more won't hurt.

"Why are you doing this?"

So hungry. Run forward and through the trees.

"Just stop!"

Turn right a the stream, go down further. I didn't notice the blond blur passing by through the trees.

"I'll do anything! Just stop!"

The sweet taste of a young woman filled my stomach much more than the black man had. Her blood from her young body was such sweeter and lighter that I bit harder I had to on her slim neck to keep my hold on her jugular.

After she was empty, I dropped her lifeless body to the river's water; leaving her body to simply lie on the rocks with her eyes wide open with frozen fear in them.

"Are you finally afraid, Edward Cullen?"

Edward moved himself more towards the wall and away from James and his amused form. He curled himself up more in a ball.

James chuckled. "You're much better than the girl was. Nice and tight." He claimed happily and sadistically

"What do you want?" Edward asked not for the first time, cowering away from the vampire that took him against his will like he had with his precious Bella.

James shrugged with a grin, half-circling the Cullen purposely to make him cower from him. How he liked to see the strong teen boy become afraid of him now. He was all show of brass balls in the field, but now that he was deflowered: he was just a scared little vampire.

"Just some fun, Edward. Did you not enjoy yourself like I did? I thought you did since you came more than once." James teased with a chuckle.

Edward moved himself more into a corner, seeing no other place to go, and nothing else to do but curl up naked in a ball and cover his head with both arms as he prayed for his father to come and rescue him.

"Poor Edward Cullen is suffering. What can I do to make you feel better, Edward?" James asked curiously, becoming more sadistic now that the proud Cullen was finally cowering.

"You can fucking die!"

James was suddenly on the ballet studio floor underneath Emmett Cullen and Jasper Cullen's arms and bodies. James wasn't so strong anymore.

Carlisle left the boys to take care of James their way while the girls went to search out Bella in the studio. He doubted she would be found alive if the stench of death had anything to say about it. The blond man looked over his poor cowering, bare-skinned son that was curled into a corner and shaking like a leaf.

He shrugged out of his trench coat so he could drape it carefully and gently over Edward, shushing him softly when his poor son jolted roughly at the clothing before settling down when he realized it wasn't James touching him.

Edward turned his eyes upwards through his arms to see the worry-fulled gold eyes of Carlisle; he was kneeling next to Edward now making shushing noises to sooth his fear. "Carlisle?" He asked in a very soft voice, thinking his flawless eyes were deceiving him.

"I'm here, son. I'm right here." Carlisle assured him, accepting the extremely tight hug from Edward who launched himself at Carlisle, and held on for dear life. "It's alright, son. I'm right here. You'll be alright." He promised as he wrapped his arms tightly around his son he swore to protect from anyone else that dared to touch him.

"Edward?" Carlisle's very soft voice penetrated through my mind and the darkest vision I would ever see.

I didn't respond. I held my head, right above my ears, trying to fend off the visions that kept coming as I took hard, human breaths as if I was having cardiac complications.

"Edward, you're alright, son. Edward, you're safe." Carlisle soothed me, kneeling on the ground in front of me.

I screwed my bright, crimson eyes shut as if to stop all visions that tried to show me too graphic sexual things that included me and James. "That didn't happen!" I told myself through heavy breaths.

"Edward, look at me, son. Look at me, Edward." Carlisle called my name.

I opened my eyes quickly, turning them to Carlisle and waiting for him to say nothing happened, and I just slipped up.

"Edward, I know you're scared. But it's going to be okay. I promise you, son." He nodded slowly.

Why wasn't he saying what I wanted him to say. "What happened? Why did Alice show me that" I demanded my answer on the darkest visions ever.

Carlisle paused for a moment, "Alice didn't show you anything, Edward. She's gone with the girls and Emmett for a few hours."

"Then where did the vision come from?" I took a heavy breath, curling up tighter into a ball beside the tree behind me.

"Edward, what you just experienced wasn't a vision...it was a suppressed memory from 47 years ago. Do you remember the hunt of James now?"

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" I screamed, screwing my eyes shut once more.

"It did, Edward. I wish it never happened, but what you saw...it happened, son." He told me softly, remaining calm with a sad tone in his voice. "James raped both you and Bella. He kept you alive...but Bella died after he raped her. The venom was too much for her body to handle, and she died quickly and painlessly." It was a lie!

"No he didn't! He never touched her! He bit her, but we stopped the change in time!" I corrected him, glaring at him for ever saying James touched my precious Bella.

Carlisle swallowed venom as he shook his head, "Son, Bella wasn't bitten."

"Yes she was..." I shook my head, not believing his filthy lies.

"No she wasn't, Edward."

I looked up quickly at Jasper's voice coming into play. He was standing behind Carlisle a bit away.

"Edward, Bella died after being raped by James. Her body didn't stand a chance against the brutal attack. We arrived just in time for us to save you. Emm and I tore apart James while the girls went to find Bella. She was gone, Edward. And so were you for a while." Jasper told me softly, taking silent steps towards me and Carlisle. "You blocked out everything for about two years, Edward. You were mentally gone before I could shock you back. I used waves of excitement as electricity to wake you up after toying with my gifts to see what worked with you. Your mind reading abilities turned into a shield of some sort, and it defended you from everything in your head you never wanted to see again."

My brother stopped in front of Carlisle, and more towards me before he knelt down on one knee, giving me full focus of his saddened, soft features with his gold eyes contrasting with my rubies. "After I managed to get you out of that state, you went on like it never happened. You started to make stories up about leaving Bella to be human after her eighteenth birthday so she could have the human life you wanted her to; you started making very detailed memories to cover up the old ones, Edward. Bella never went to the hospital after James' attack; she was never around in the summer time when we all went on vacation because we never went on vacation; Bellanever returned from Phoenix to be with you, Edward. She didn't survive the attack through the first day."

"STOP! JUST SHUT UP!" I screamed at him, closing my eyes again to fend off the venom in them. "I left her to be human. She lived humanly." I told myself over and over again. It would be true because it was true.

"No, Edward. Bella died at 17 because you were both contained by a disgusting group of vampires that worked for James. You couldn't save her, Edward, and that's not your fault. 4 on 1 isn't fair when your mate is attacked by a man, and died during the raping because the venom was too strong." Jasper corrected me.

"No...she's okay...Bella's okay..." I continued to hold my pained head that was filled with painful memories of Bella's screams, my screams, James' laughter, and too much more for me to handle; I began to cry softly as I assured myself Bella was okay. She was human, and living an old woman's life filled with kids and grandkids near her, and a husband taking care of her in their old age.

It wasn't working...Why wasn't my assurance working?

"Edward," Carlisle got my attention and venom-filled rubies on him. "Bella's gone." He said it so simply that I flinched. "I'm sorry, son. I had hoped after a few years you would talk to me, and we would work this out as a family.." He frowned heavily. "but you never stopped with the stories. 15 years ago, you had been so close to breaking down your shield and remembering what happened. I was ready to consol you, and talk it through with you...but you shut everyone out for so long, assuring yourself she was fine, she was healthy, and she was living a life with a family by her side. Not even Jasper would shock you out of that state because you wouldn't let us near you."

Jasper continued on, like it was rehearsed. "Emmett had to physically restrain you when you started to tear at yourself. You attempted to tear yourself apart after your assurance didn't work, Edward. Do you remember that?" he asked me softly, tilting his head to the side a bit.

Brief moments of pain on my sides and arms came to mind. "I tried to kill myself...?" I asked myself quietly, suddenly remembering why Carlisle asked me how long I had felt suicidal.

"Your suicidal tendencies don't come from leaving Bella, or even having a half-life, Edward. Your pain is from James, and the memories you refuse to remember." Carlisle told me, standing away from us as if Jasper was the leader of the coven. "25 years ago, you remembered a piece; You remembered watching Bella be raped, and you blamed Alice for the false vision. You tried to attack her and blame her for the memory, and Jasper and Emmett had to hold you back so you wouldn't hurt her."

"I would never hurt Alice. I love her..." I denied that quickly, shaking my head as I still held it, curled up into a ball on the filthy floor of the bloody-snow covered forest.

"We know, but you'd do anything to not remember; even try and harm your sister." Jasper murmured to me.

I stopped fully. I would hurt Alice? Sweet little Alice? That ball of sunshine and pixie dust I called a true sister? "I tried to hurt Alice..." It was a statement, not a question.

"She forgives you, Edward. Now the question stands," Jasper set a hand on mine, both were still attached to my head to fend off the viso – memories. "Will you forgive yourself? Not just for Alice...but for Bella?"

*Two years past*

I walked hand in hand with Alice into the grave yard that was covered in a blanket of footprint covered snow. The tombstones of loved ones had fresh flowers on them; the tombs themselves were brushed off of snow, and were each given a small wreath of Christmas decorated spirits of the towns people in remembrance.

Two years past filled with Alice and I becoming closer than ever; apologies didn't seem to be enough to make up for attempting to hurt her. I couldn't understand why she didn't blame for it, but I was still thankful she didn't. Carlisle and I had talked night and day over the three days 49 years ago; it didn't seem to make me feel better talking about it like I was told it did. It only made it worse due to having to relive it all. It was a beginning healing process, and it hurt, but now I can talk about it without waning to rip my head off to fend off the memories that weren't visions. Jasper had helped me more than enough times during those sessions, and Emmett was one heck of a strong vampire. Eventually, it wasn't the end of the world.

I missed my Bella everyday, I didn't see her in the house anymore; not since I and Carlisle were talking it through in more details. As saddened as I was for her leaving me: I still had her sweet memories. I didn't have to hallucinate her to remember her as Jasper said constantly. I just needed to think over her greatest moments.

Alice led me to the fourteenth row, and the tenth column where a statue of an angel stood; the wings were opened wide and the arms were folded under the marble cheek as the angel smiled down on us. "We've taken care of her. We made sure she had a good resting place." Alice claimed softly, using her gloved hand to brush off the plaque that was turned upwards.

'Isabella Marie Swan.

1987-2005

Beloved daughter of Charles Swan and Renee Dwyer

Beloved friend to every living soul

Beloved girlfriend to Edward Cullen 1987 -2005

Rest in peace, my love'

I had to fend off the venom pooling in my eyes. "You really outdid yourself again, Alice." I commented with a nod. It was all beautiful, even if Bella would think it was over-done.

She smiled at me, "I couldn't let her just have a headstone and nothing else. She was too special for that."

I nodded again. "She was." I agreed fully.

I and Alice stayed there for a while, not really moving for talking, but just standing there. I was hesitant to leave Bella here all alone, and Alice sensed that.

"She's not alone, Edward. Look," Alice pointed to another plaque.

I narrowed my eyes at it. I wiped off the bits of snow to become very shocked.

'Elizabeth Ann Mason

1877-1918

Beloved wife to Patrick Mason

Beloved mother of Edward Mason 1901-1918

This guardian angel protects all; enemy beware.'

"You...put a plot for my mother next to Bella?" I was very surprised.

"We didn't just put a plot, silly. We had to fill it as well." Alice informed me softly.

I looked at her with complete shock. "You guys moved my mother to be with Bella?"

She nodded. "And your father. He's right there." She pointed to a third plaque that belonged to my father who died before my mother and I did. "it didn't seem right to leave them all alone, so Carlisle had them moved here to be with Bella."

I didn't know what to say, so I hugged Alice tightly to my useless jacket covered body. "Thank you for taking care of them, Alice."

"It was for you, Edward. You would have done the same for me if it was Jazz or I in your shoes."

"You're the greatest sister I could ever ask for." I kissed the top of her head.

"You're the best brother I would ever want, too, Edward."

Sergeant KittyCullens stories are all on my page now! This is one of hers :) Hope you enjoy her story.

No new ones have popped up yet, so al of these are the ones that are on her page already.