Abandoned

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Karkat.

Hey bro. I'm sorry. I'm a monster. I'm sorry. I hurt everyone. I hurt you. I'm sorry. So I decided to go away for a while. I don't know when I'll be back, or if. Please don't go looking for me, it will only hurt us both. Please, leave me this peace. Don't lose hope, don't give up. I need to know you can stay strong. I know I have no right to ask, but do this, please, for me. I love you bro. I always have. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to hurt you. I'm sorry.

Gamzee

I love you. I'm sorry.

I pulled the note once more from my pocket. I read it for the umpteenth time that day. I don't know how many times I've read it, but it always hurts. I always read it when I feel like I I've reached the end of my wits. The pain helps me remember who I am. the words help me remember the day. The day I found it.

I was at the end of my rope. Terezi had officially chosen Dave over me. Gamzee had officially just broken their kismesis with her and she had gone crying to him. She had never come to me for comfort. I was tired and lonely and all I wanted to do was find a knife and sleep forever. Then I the note. Propped up between a bottle of grape Faygo and a horn. It was written in his own blood. He hadn't even bothered with his usual quirk. I looked around my room, filled with grape and red Faygo. I locked my door and cried. I took my sickles and made many cuts, but I couldn't bring myself to make any deep enough to end it. I could not do exactly what he had asked me not to. He loved me, and I had never let myself feel any more than moirailegiance towards him. But now, now that all the walls I had tried to put up had come crumbling down, I finally admitted it to myself. Alone, in my empty room full of Faygo, I said it aloud. "I love you, too, Gamzee." I cried harder after that. I cried until I had nothing left. I cried long after I had already fallen asleep. And when I woke up, my eyes were dry. I washed my face, bandaged my cuts, and went about the day as I normally would.

It was like that for a while. Every night, I would bleed and cry myself to sleep. Then in the morning, I would try to act normal. I choked down the bare minimum of food and water I needed to survive. I felt myself become thin and frail. Soon I had to stop the cutting, for fear of accidently going overboard. It didn't matter, the little note was usually enough. I know the others noticed but no one questioned me about it. I started avoiding my own reflection, the haunted look in my own eyes terrified me. Sometimes someone would ask where Gamzee was, mostly Kanaya. I would look at them, shrug then return to staring off into whatever space had caught my eye. That was usually enough to make them go away. I stopped yelling at everyone, stopped talking all together, my voice always rough from crying late at night. This became the norm for me for several months.

I read the note again, but it wasn't enough. Tonight was a particularly bad night. We had gone through a dream bubble today, and the mere sight of Kurloz was enough to land me in the nearest bathroom, retching up my meager meal of an apple and a cup of water the night before. I was in bed, shirtless and trembling. I was always cold these days. My sickle found its way to the old wound, the deepest scar, an 'X' sitting right over my heart. I pulled the sickle across the old wound. First left, then right, and again. when that was finished, I moved on to others scars, my stomach, my arms, my legs, even my back showed the signs of my suffering. I stopped once I had opened a wound on each from the list, still cautious never to go too far, never to get carried away. I had promised, albeit in my head, I had promised Gamzee I would never give up. That I would always carry on, no matter what. I intended to keep my promise. I had stopped cutting and was now just bleeding, letting the blood and tears wash away all the bits of pain it could. I was staring at my door, not completely registering it. It was several moments after the fact that I realized it had been opened, that someone was staring at me, standing in the doorway. I didn't realize I had forgotten to lock it.

"I smelled the blood and thought that maybe Gamzee…" Kanaya trailed off, still staring at me. I was too numb to be ashamed she had seen me so weak. Too numb to do anything but stare at her. Her eyes registered the note sitting beside me. She walked over, picked it up, and read it. "Karkat…" she whispered, then shook her head. She stared at me a little longer before getting up and leaving. She didn't bother to shut my door behind her, and I was too tired to get up and do so myself. Instead, I leaned back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. Somehow, I must have drifted to sleep because I woke up staring up at faces. Several faces. We must have still been traveling through the dream bubble. Many of the faces had blank, staring eyes. Still, I did nothing to send them away. They had already seen my weakness, I had nothing to hide anymore. So I let them be as they watched me and I fell back asleep.

"I'm worried about him."

"I know."

"How long do you think it has been going on."

"He changed about three months ago.

"That was around the time Gamzee broke up with me."

"Then, you came to me for comfort instead of him."

"Oh no, do you think I did this?"

"Of course not!"

"No Terezi, you're not the only one to blame. We've all put so much pressure on him. Then Gamzee disappears, no one has seen or even heard him since, and I think it was all just too much for him." I have been listening to the three voices for several minutes, but now, I'm ready to get up and face the day. They all shut up as soon as I sit up. Dave, Kanaya, and Terezi, all watch me as I trudge my way into the bathroom. I pull out the bandages I haven't need for a couple of weeks now. I clean myself up, then apply them. I know they are still watching me through the open bathroom door. Once I'm done with the old routine, I walk back out to face my friends. I can't even look the pathetic human in the eye. I'm finally feeling the shame that was missing from last night. They've all seen my at my weakest, my lowest, and I hate that. I sit back down on my bed and wrap my arms around my knees. I'm still shirtless and so cold. I can feel the chill seeping into me but I don't care. I stopped caring a long time ago. I know that I'm staring off into space again. I don't realize she's moved until Kanaya sits down next to me.

"Karkat…"

"Don-n't" My voice cracks from disuse. I feel even more pathetic. She shakes her head and looks to Terezi. A bit of unspoken understanding passes between them and she disappears. Dave stays. I can tell he's watching me from behind those glasses, silently judging me and my weakness. I try to glare at him, but I can't hold it. I feel my face fall back into its usual blank stare. Dave sighs. He looks to Kanaya and, for the first time I've ever seen, removes his shades. The eyes behind, the ones I've never seen, are red, and full of concern.

"I'm doing no good here. I'll go and make sure that a drunk Rose doesn't cause any problems." Kanaya nods. He puts his shades back on and leaves. We sit in silence until Terezi returns.

"Here, you need to eat something. I doubt you had anything yesterday." For a moment I stare at the bowl of oatmeal staring me in the face. I'm not hungry, and tempted to tell her that, before I remember that I do need to eat. I do need to stay alive. I promised. I nod, and take the bowl in my boney hands.

"Thanks," I mumble, unenthusiastically, before forcing myself to eat. I get through half the bowl before I start pushing it away, but Kanaya forces it back into my hands.

"Eat." Her voice hold more authority than mine ever did, and I sigh before taking the bowl and choking down the rest. I can tell by how uncomfortable it is that my stomach is unused to getting this much food. By the time I'm finished, I'm almost sick, and exhausted by the sheer effort of eating. The bowl is taken away and replaced with a bottle of water. "Good, here." She takes the bowl and leaves me alone with Terezi. I force down some water and we sit in silence. I'm so enveloped in staring at nothing that it takes me a minute to register the noise.

"Karkat… why?" She's crying. I don't want her to cry, I still care about her. But I don't have an answer to her question, so I shrug, and she lapses back into silence, teal tears still streaking down her face. Now I feel bad that I hurt her like this, so I try to comfort her.

"It's okay Terezi. It's not your fault." She looks up at me.

"Then who's is it."

"It's mine. I chose to do this." For some reason she only cries harder, so I get up and walk over to her. I give her a hug and she clings to me, crying all the harder. "It's okay, it's alright. It's all gonna be just fine." I can feel her tears soaking my fresh bandages, but my soothing helps. Soon, we are just standing there. That is how Dave finds us. His glasses are off again. He watches me as I hand Terezi back off to him. He's her matesprit after all. I can see the surprise touch his eyes, then comprehension as he embraces her. She's almost asleep and barely notices the trade off. "Take good care of her." He nods, and I try to lave my room. He blocks my path with one arm, holding Terezi up with the other.

"Kanaya says you aren't allowed to be alone, ever. She also sent me to confiscate anything sharp, including your sickles. Said I would have the best chance if you decided to fight back, but I don't believe her. I bet even drunk Rose could fend you off at this point." He laughs weakly at his attempt at humor and I actually manage a tiny amused smile before it disappears. I sigh, forking over my favorite weapons.

"These are what I use, but you are welcome to check." I gesture to the room of Faygo bottles, admittedly including a small pile of empty bottles by the bathroom. Dave nods and hands me a now fully sleeping on her feet, Terezi, who I lay on the bed while he checks for other sharp objects, producing a pair of scissors and an old ink pen. Once he'd captchalouged them, he went and sat by the door, thus insuring it impossible for me to escape. His red eyes were a bit unnerving. After standing there for a moment, unsure of what to do now that my bed was occupied, I finally grabbed a couple of red Faygos, I still hadn't touched any of the grape, from the stacks lining my walls and went to sit by Dave.

"Thanks man." He took a sip, but was so distracted by his own thoughts, he spilled it on himself. I actually cracked a smile. I hadn't done that in a few months now. "Shit." He started towards the bathroom to clean himself off, but hesitated. "You aren't gonna do anything stupid, are ya?"

"And risk the wrath of an all powerful rainbow drinker? I don't think so." He smiles at my joke, he's really not a bad guy.

"Good, because she would kick both our asses." Then he goes in and strips off the shirts to his magic pajama god tier outfit. Magically, they were already clean again. I knew he was casting glances at me through the mirror. Dave came back and after a minute of silence, he said something. "I'm not gonna force anything out of you or nothing, but I gotta ask. Is this- did you do this because she chose me over you?" I sighed. I'd been doing that a lot today.

"You are never allowed to tell her, but yeah, partially." He nodded, but didn't pry, even though I could practically feel the curiosity rolling off of him. "Okay, here's the deal," he cut me off.

"You don't have to tell me."

"I want to. So, it's just, I don't know. It helped. It was like a distraction from other pains and I didn't have my moirail to help me, so I just did it." He nods, like he understands.

"I'm not gonna pretend that I understand and that troll romance doesn't creep me out, but if you need a bro, I'm always available." I look at him. I can tell he's being serious. Those deep red eyes hold a kind of compassion in them. It's something that normally stays hidden behind his shades, but they're open now. I can see it. Suddenly, I have a question for him.

"Thanks. So, what happened to your glasses?" The question catches him off guard.

"Huh, oh, yeah. I put them on the Mayor and left Rose with him in can town. She thinks we're hanging out, but Kanaya gave me a mission, so I improvised. Luckily, she's to drunk off her ass to…"

"Da-ave! Hic!" And with that, a very drunk human girl shows up, towering over us. "You promised we would hang out! Why did you leave me with the Mayor and sneak off to Karkat's room?" Suddenly, her eyes grow wide. "Are you two on a date."

We both blush a deep red and simultaneously shout, "No!" This of course, wakes Terezi.

"What's all the commotion?" She's bleary eyed and Rose apparently had to be the one to answer.

"Terz-hic-zi. Did you know these two were dating?" Terezi looks at us, then grins, before fake sobbing.

"N-no. I didn't. Dave, I thought we were dating. Why didn't you tell me you were gay and flushed for Karkat."

"Terezi, no, we are dating. I don't,"

"So you're dating two people Dave, hic? When did you become a troll?"

"No, I…" I had already stopped caring and was now watching in amusement as Dave flustered to keep his cool under a now upset, drunk Rose and a fake sniveling Terezi. It was the funniest thing I'ld seen in months. I was almost smiling when a chorus of honks came from the vents, filling the room with its echoes and efficiently shutting both Dave and Terezi up, though Rose kept babbling, her hics turning her words incoherent. A pair of red eyes and red shades turned to watch me. I was staring at the vent. The room appeared to be shaking. It took to long to realize it was me, trembling. "Karkat? You okay bro?" I could only say one thing before something in me clicked and I shut down.

"Gamzee?" Then, I passed out.

I almost came to a few moments later. I could hear the others, but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. "Whoa, man, Karkat, bro, can you hear me? Someone get Kanaya."

"No need, I'm right here."

"I don't know what happened. We heard the horn and he just started trembling. Then he said 'Gamzee' and passed out."

"I'd bet it was just shock. He'll come around when he's ready." Kanaya was always the calm one. She would have been a much better leader than me. She knows how to handle a situation. "Let's get him to his bed." They started lifting me together, but I was so light now, Dave was able to manage me on his own. He lifted me up 'bridal style' as the humans call it. If I could have, I would have complained. As it stood, I was still to out of it to do more than lay limp as he set me in my bed, lifting the covers, then settling them over top of me. I felt myself come close enough back to consciousness to speak, but before I could, another chorus of honks assaulted my think pan and I slipped back, further into unconsciousness. Before sleep overtook me completely, I heard Kanaya say one more thing. "We gotta find that damn clown."

I was horrified watching him. I never showed myself, I was always so careful not to give any hint as to where I might be. I had even thrown all my horns down one shaft. All except the one I left with him. I thought I was doing the right thing. Aradia had told me that I had a terrible destiny to fulfill. She told me that I was going to be the cause of all our suffering. I thought, that by distancing myself from my friends now, it might hurt a little less for all of us later on. I never knew that this would be the result. I watched from the shadows as my moirail found the note I had left him, along with my entire stash of red and grape Faygo. I never left note or anything for anyone else. Just him. We were moirails, but I had always hoped it would grow into something redder. I guess it kind of did. Red, as in the color of his blood. I watched it spill that night. I watched the tears and blood mix together. Because I didn't know that the night I had decided to leave was the night he would need me most. I knew I couldn't show myself. If I did, he would never let me leave again, and I had to leave. It was better that way. So, from the shadows, I watched. I watched him begin to starve himself, eating the bare minimum for survival. I watched as, every night, for the first three weeks, he cut himself. I watched as he cried himself to sleep every single night since I left. I watched as the weeks became a month and he seemed to get better. He stopped cutting himself every night. Instead, he would just read my note, slam a Faygo, and cry. I was watching when they went through the dream bubble. I was watching when he vomited up he scrappy meal from the night before, that being his last one. I was watching when he cut himself, his stomach, his arms, his legs, his back, and his heart. That was the last straw for me, watching that. How calmly he did it. He was quiet even though I knew it must hurt. He was always quiet. He seemed empty. He needed help.

So I brought some. I found I knife in the kitchen. I found the room Kanaya was in and I slit my own wrist. I watched as she caught the scent and moved towards it. I used my blood to guide her back to Karkat. I knew as soon as she caught the scent of Karkat's blood. I stopped and he kept going. I took a shortcut, so I watched as Kanaya burst through his door. He was staring straight at her, but didn't seem to notice her. His eyes wore the same glazed look they had for three months now. I watched the scene unfold and I knew that she would help him. And she did, I watched it all. I stayed up and watched until Dave took away all his sharp objects and I knew then, he would be okay. I become dazed then. I began wandering the vents, unsure of what to do now that I knew Karkat would be okay. It was so stupid of me. I should have been paying closer attention. Before I even knew I had fallen, I landed roughly on my pile of horns at the bottom of the shaft. The noise echoed. I knew it would find its way to his ears. I silently cursed myself for this. For a few minutes, I lay there, waiting to see if anyone would find me. They didn't, so I began climbing back up.

In all the time I had been watching Karkat, I hadn't paid attention to what I was doing to myself. I had merely eaten when hungry, drank when thirsty, and watched. I didn't realize I had practically been starving myself as he had. Not until I tried to pull myself out of the vent shaft and my arms had failed me, sending me tumbling back onto the horns, a second chorus of honks reverberating through the vents. This was when I knew Aradia had been wrong. I cursed her, silently of course. I still didn't want anyone to find me. But I cursed her all the same. I could do no great terrible thing in the future that would cause my friends great suffering. It was impossible. I had no future. If I could not get out of this shaft, then I could get no food or water. I was going to die down here. I was going to starve to death knowing that I had left my brother, my moirail, my flush crush, based on the word of a psycho dead chick. That I had caused him to hurt himself because I wasn't there when he needed me most, even though he was always there for me. And he would never know what happened to me because I would die without ever letting anyone know where I was, because if I did, they would save me. Then, Aradia could still be right but I would never be able to leave again. I could never watch my love torment himself again. so I would die, alone on a pile of horns, and I was completely okay with that.

"We gotta find that damn clown." That was a fact. It was all our faults for pushing him to far, but Gamzee was his moirail. For all I talked, I would never kill him. Karkat needed him too much, whether he knew it or not. So now we had to find him. Not to kill him, but to bring him back. To show him what he had done to his best friend, to make him fix this. Because no matter how much I wanted to kill him, no matter how much I would love to watch his face as I drain him dry, Karkat was my friend. If it hadn't been for his amazing ability to band together a full hemospectrum of trolls, we would have all died in the game. If not for him, Gamzee would have killed us all during his rampage. Thanks to Karkat, at least some of us are alive. So I'm going to help him. "Dave, can you keep an eye on him?" Dave nodded. "Terezi, can you occupy Rose for a while?"

"Sure, but where are you going?" Terezi eyed me suspiciously. She knew where but not why.

"Clown hunting. Karkat needs his moirail right now." She nodded, conceding to this. She still has black feelings for him, so she wants to be the one to finish Gamzee off. And that's why she's not coming with me. I went off. I looked and looked but came up with nothing for a long time. Finally, I ended up in the room I had been in when I had caught the scent of fresh blood. I had followed that trail to Karkat, but it was still there. Stale, but there, hiding in the vents. "To catch a clown, gotta act like a clown." I was talking to myself for no other reason than to stall the inevitable climbing through the vents. Once I was in, a followed the trail to a horrible, horrible sight.

I thought I would die slowly of starvation, but then I remembered the knife, still in my hands. I knew I could never have the courage to slit my own throat, so I settled for my arms, my legs, my stomach, my back, my heart. I traced every pattern I could remember Karkat tracing on himself. It was a little harder, since my weapon was not the same curved blade, but I managed. I gave myself every cut Karkat had give himself. Difference was, mine happened all at once. Mine were much deeper. Because I intended to die.

It was so terrible, it almost brought back up everything I had eaten that day. I found him, sitting in a pile of horns. He was bleeding from cuts that existed in an all too familiar pattern. Every detail, down to the 'X' over the heart was the same. The bloodied knife had fallen to the side. A smile lay on the clowns lips. I watched as he tilted his head back, eyes closed, and laid down into his horns, careful not to make a sound. He had to be in immense pain, yet he looked so happy. The corners of his lips barely twitched when I called his name.

"Gamzee." I expected his eyes to be red, but they were as golden as any others. They opened slowly. Shock crossed them briefly as he caught sight of me, but that was replaced quickly by the same joy he seemed to exude over his own, self inflicted torment. He lifted a bloody hand in silent greeting then pressed it to his lips, telling me to be quiet. I didn't listen. "Gamzee, why?" I felt myself choke out the words as I lowered myself slowly into the shaft.

"I deserve everyone of these and more. I watched it happen, you know. I watched and waited and hoped he would get better. And for a while, he seemed to be on the mend. Then, we passed through the dream bubble, he saw Kurloz, and it was too much for him. So I decided to bring him help. I couldn't be there for him when he needed me most, so I brought someone who could." He stared at me, still smiling. I knew then that he had led me to Karkat.

"But why did you leave." He stopped smiling then, his eyes gaining a far away look.

"I took bad advice, I think. I don't know. But it seemed like it was best for everyone, still does. It's just better like this." He smiled again. "You should go back. Tell the others whatever you want, just don't tell Karkat. He's just starting to get better." His voice had started fading then, his eyes drooping. He still smiled, even in his last moments. "Go Kanaya, it's better this way."

I woke up to whispering outside my door. It wasn't the first time I had come around enough to hear things, but this time, I could move too. I sat up. No one was in the room with me. I thought this was weird, since Dave had said I was never supposed to be alone, so I tiptoed over to the door, listening to what the others were saying.

"Are you sure we should leave him in there alone?" Terezi.

"I have to tell you something important." Kanaya.

"I thought you were going to find Gamzee and bring him back for Karkat." Dave.

"I found him." Her voice sounded strained.

"And?" Dave prompted.

"Dead. He killed himself on his own freaking pile of horns. Used a knife to cut in the exact same pattern. I got to him just after he had finished. It was the worst thing I had ever seen. Worse than seeing the aftermath of Eridan and my chainsaw. Also turns out, he was the one that lead me to Karkat in the first place."

"What are we going to tell him." Terezi was crying again. Dave was the one to answer her question.

"Nothing. If we tell him the truth, he'll probably off himself the first chance he gets. So we tell him we still can't find him and try to help him move on. It's the best we can do for him." Dave was right. It would have been best if I had never heard this conversation, because he was right. Through all the months, I had clung to the hope that Gamzee was going to return. I had promised to never give up because I had promised to never lose hope. But hope was worthless now. Gamzee was dead. He was dead and now there was no hope. I could here the others, still perfecting the story and getting their acts together. I knew I would have enough time. I only needed a few minutes. I had promised, but I was still prepared. Dave had taken everything sharp. He never bothered looking for the rope. I hung it from the rafters. I decided not to leave a farewell note. Instead, I took two bottles of Faygo, red and grape. I got them to open silently, then tipped them both over, letting their contents spill onto the floor. They would see. They would understand. There were no tears as I slid the rope around my neck. No struggling when I let myself fall from atop a stack of several Faygos, still packaged. I was too tired. Not physically, but mentally. I was too tired to fight anymore. I had nothing left to fight for. Death claimed me quickly. I knew I was smiling. The last thing I heard before departing the world of the living, three shocked gasps, then one word out of three mouths simultaneously.

"Karkat."