AN: A Missing Year fic that delves into Regina's struggle to survive in the Enchanted Forest without Henry. As days go by, she meets someone who reminds her that there are still things worth living for, even if she's too stubborn to see that two of those things are right in front of her.

Previously a prequel to All a Matter of Time, but now this story is a stand alone multi chapter fic.

XOXO, Jess

Old and New

Regina feels the familiar pull of the corset suffocating her, the sharp edges of the diamonds adorning her neck, the high collar of her regal gown choking her. She shuts her eyes tight, yet tears still escape out the corners leaving glistening trails down her cheeks. Regina releases a shaky breath, clenching and unclenching her left fist at her side while her right is desperately clinging to her stomach. It's flat and hollow. And, although it has never felt the flutter of new life or a first kick, her heart still aches to hold the child she raised. It breaks for the son she rocked to sleep, whose fears she calmed, runny noses she wiped, and scraped knees she kissed.

Regina's tears flow freely now. She bites her bottom lip to stop it from trembling, blocks out the muffled voices of those she'd cursed before, vaguely aware of the wind lightly agitating the feathers in her hair.

She's angry she's here with the two idiot Charmings and their idiot friends. Angry at the constricting clothes, which no longer seem to suit her. Angry her beautiful son no longer remembers her. Angry that Emma has precious, treasured memories she created with her baby. Angry she can already feel loneliness seeping its way back in. But mostly, she's heartbroken and dreads looking upon the faces of everyone except for the person she needs to see most.

No amount of time is short or long enough for a mother to miss her child, and Regina, barely seconds away yet worlds apart, misses Henry desperately.

"Regina?" Snow's soft voice and gentle hand at her elbow jars her out of her grief and sorrow, and, immediately, she squares her shoulders, her walls and mask fly back up again.

They stand in the middle of a clearing, surrounded by familiar, dense, towering trees, and pine, and dirt, and a scent she can only describe as home.

It's been 29 years since she's been here, stood on this ground, in this land, with these people. Twenty-nine years since she's worn these clothes or been forced to carry herself this tall and rigid because of a corset. Things could not be farther from what she knows or knew.

"Regina?" Snow repeats and swallows the saliva pooling in her mouth. "You're okay. We're going to be okay." But the weariness in Snow's voice isn't convincing, and Regina lets out a broken laugh that quickly turns into a silent sob.

"No, dear," Regina says. "I seriously doubt that."

Not long ago, Regina remembers smugly sneering as Snow wept over a bleeding Charming and the loss of her newborn, barely minutes old. She thought she'd won then, that the years she'd spent seeking revenge on the girl who'd cost her the love of her life had finally given her what she'd always wanted. But, even a town fabricated out of her wishes and desires hadn't been enough.

She thinks back to lonely nights, haunted by nightmares and most of them about that day in the stable. About a heart turning into dust and slipping through the cracks of her mother's hand. About the thunderous beating of nameless tokens stolen from the chests of countless victims. Each terror the same, and each woke her with the sound of a strangled cry escaping her lips. She'd frequently tremble and shake in the darkness of her big, lonely room in her big, lonely mansion with her mother's voice echoing in her head.

Weak. Disappointing. Worthless.

Regina sighs and for a brief second her grief cracks its way through the emotional barrier she just tried to build, and she grimaces.

Everything changed the moment she'd found Henry, after she held him in her arms and rubbed circles on his tummy with her thumb, as his eyes blinked up at her unfocused. She fell in love with him instantly. This tiny little person, with tiny little toes and fingers needed her, and, if she'd been open to it, she would've realized she desperately needed him just as much, if not more.

It has been 29 years since she has been here, stood on this ground, in this land, with these people. The tables have turned, and she has lost everything.

No longer the Evil Queen, but also, not quite yet just Regina. She's stuck, somewhere in the in between, without her Henry, without her everything.

She tries to reel in the onslaught of emotions and buries them deep within herself as she does most things.

She hoards it away in a place where long ago, a young girl desperately sought refuge after the murder of her first love. Where tears are collected and stored, long forgotten and away from the prying eyes of a Mother consumed by power and cruelty. Where late night beatings and the memory of one unforgivingly sharp ring rips through her upper lip and leaves a scar. She buries it within the hollows of her soul, past the point of feeling to a place where numbness builds barriers and protects hearts, or at least the pieces not already marred and tainted pitch black.

She knows she must look pitiful, and sad, and angry. Snow's voice drips with sympathy, and it interrupts her internal battle. She quickly pushes down her emotional cluster fuck and only feels well and truly pissed.

With stinging, blurred eyes, Regina spares a glance at the two said idiots, and chooses to only show shadows of her former self – the Evil Queen – not ready to let go of walls she built after Daniel's death to protect her broken, bleeding heart.

"Regina, please," Snow begs and smiles, still infuriatingly optimistic. Her hair is long again, and it calls back to the years they spent warring in the Enchanted Forest. Charming and his bloodstained shirt hover comfortingly behind Snow.

"What do you want from me, Snow?" This time Regina's words aren't as sharp, or biting, and a part of her wishes they had been.

Maybe then she wouldn't sound as defeated as she feels.

"I just …" Snow stops, slightly frowning, barely at the beginning of her thought, and looks beyond her shoulder.

It's only then, Regina notices two strangers a few feet away from them.

"Snow," Aurora says. "What happened?"

"We're back," Snow's voice cracks.

"Yes, dear," Regina says, rolling her eyes. It comes out harsher than she meant. But she knows she has sounded worse, been worse, done worse. Really she has never been one to ask for forgiveness, why should she start now?

Her anchor, her tether is gone. Henry is gone. Her baby is gone, and she's tempted to slip back into old habits. Tempted to lay them all flat with a wave of her hand. Tempted to disappear in a cloud of purple and listen to her head, which shouts for her to run and pretend she doesn't care.

The problem is, she does, so instead Regina gulps down her sorrow, steals away her heart, as she has done since that fateful day in the stables, and does not cry.

Too dazed by their grief and fear and wary of what they'll find upon returning home, neither Regina, Snow, Charming or the other residents of their town notice a man slip away at the back of the group into the depths of the forest.

An hour later, the sun settles high above them in the mid afternoon sky, a few clouds paint the warm but pleasant air. The forest is alive with the sound of chirps, rustling of bushes, crunching of leaves, hooting of birds.

Regina presses her forehead to the neck of the Chestnut mare she's saddling. She breathes in the lingering scent of sweat, grain, dust, molasses, and hay, as she runs her hands up and down the beast's neck. She leans away.

No longer confined within the Evil Queen's full regalia, Regina wears familiar form-fitting leather pants, black boots, and a deep-cobalt riding coat. It's velvet, cut low on her chest, revealing the subtle rise and fall of her breasts as her every breath seems to be a struggle. She shakes her head thinking about Snow's naïve plans for their future.

"The castle doesn't belong to her. It was Snow's before she took it." Charming's tone is high and mighty, and Regina is quick to squash it.

"Well, to be fair," Regina smirks, "I married into it."

"That you did," Snow says. "And, now, we're taking it back, and you're coming with us." Snow pauses for a moment at the look of disbelief on Regina's face, then continues on. "I know you don't like it, you'll learn to, for our good, for yours."

There's no time for Regina's response because Charming puts his hand on the small of her back and ushers her forward like a child. She isn't ready to accept yet that Snow and Charming might actually care for her.

Regina rolls her eyes and finishes saddling the mare.

Henry would be delighted if he could see her now, slumming with the unCharmings, and it simultaneously brings a smile to her face and breaks her heart.

"You're thinking about Henry, aren't you?" Snow sneaks up behind her.

"I'm always thinking about Henry." Regina is quick to answer.

"I know it hurts now, Regina, but it'll get easier."

Her response is fast.

"That's easy for you to say." Regina feels her anger rage to the surface. "You still have your prince. I've just lost my son!"

And Snow's response is infuriatingly patient.

"I know exactly how you're feeling. I've just had to say goodbye to my daughter for the second time, Regina. You're not the only person who has lost someone. I lost Henry, too."

It's the hoarseness in Snow's otherwise gentle voice that makes Regina look at her and away from the saddle she just secured.

There's another retort on the tip of her tongue, but she can't bring herself to say it. As much as she loathes admitting it, Snow is right.

And, even more loathsome, Regina finds she isn't as quick to anger every time Snow speaks to her. Although, she'll die before she ever tells her that.

Things between them have changed since Neverland.

"Come on," Snow says. "Charming wants us at the front of the group to lead everyone to the castle."

"You can't be serious." Regina's eyebrows rise.

"Regina, everyone's scared. We need to give our people hope. What better way to do that than lead together as one united front?" Snow looks at her with the same optimistic, doe-eyed expression she has seen since the day they met.

"Aren't we just one happy family?" Regina bites back and slips one of her gloves onto her right hand.

It annoys her that she can't just use magic to move them all to the castle. She only has to think about it, and they would all be there. She could save herself the undoubted relentless nagging Snow is about to pester her with on their journey. But, as much as this land is home, it is also strange and unfamiliar, and they don't know what could be waiting for them on the other side of a swish of her wrist and a cloud of purple.

"Yes, well, we're all we have left," Snow says. "Best to make the most of it."

The princess' words make Regina flinch, but she doesn't respond. Instead, she pulls on her other glove and pushes past her stepdaughter.

Disclaimer: Not mine, I owe my OutlawQueen obsession to the creative minds of Adam and Eddy.