A/N: I have requests to do and tomorrow's chapter of Persephone to write but instead I wrote this. It's not my best but I thought it was funny so here have this thing.

Talk of sexy things ahoy.

Cruel Intentions

"Tuff, for the last time, I'm not telling you anything!"

Tuffnut flopped dramatically down on the table. "Oh come oooonnnn!" He groaned. "Hiccup, dude, you're the only one of us getting any! You gotta give us some details here, man! We live vicariously through you!" He gave Hiccup a winning smile. "Pleeeaaase? Come on, at least tell us a few things?"

Hiccup rolled his eyes and shoved Tuffnut's head off the table. "No! For one thing, Astrid would kill me. For another, it's none of your business. What goes on between me and Astrid stays between me and Astrid."

Tuffnut groaned again while Snotlout rolled his eyes. "He's not gonna tell us anything. I'm telling you, we need to get him drunk first."

Hiccup scoffed. "Yeah, I'm still not going to tell you anything."

Tuffnut reached across the table again and grabbed one of Hiccup's hands. "Come on, man, I'm begging you, Viking to Viking, just tell us something, anything! Top or bottom? Loud or quiet? Scauldron or Gronkle?"

Hiccup frowned. "What does that have to do with anything?" He shook his head and pulled his hand away. "Never mind, I don't want to know. I'm not telling you anyway."

"Brooooo," Tuffnut moaned. "Gods, you're being so selfish!"

Hiccup laughed. "I'm being selfish because I refuse to betray my girlfriend's privacy by telling you what she's like in bed? Yeah, okay."

Snotlout poured another mug of mead and pushed it towards Hiccup. "That's very honorable of you, Hiccup. I think that deserves some of the finest honeyed mead Berk has to offer."

He received a raised eyebrow in reply. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing," Hiccup said as he picked up the mug. "And it's not going to work. You can get me drunk off my ass, I'm still not telling you a thing about Astrid."

Xx

"No, no, nononono, no, tha's, tha's not what 'm sayin'," Hiccup slurred to his rapt audience, who had turned into fuzzy yellow and black shapes a few drinks back. "Tha's like, the opposite, of what I'm saying. No, Astrid hates bein' dominated. Well…inna few…select circumshstanceses she likes'it. But. No. S'not the being controlled, it's'a takin' back control tha' she likes." Hiccup nodded and downed more wine. His friends were being so nice to him, bringing him all this alcohol. Even offering to do his morning chores tomorrow so he could sleep it off. Such nice friends. Such wonderful friends. "I love you guysh," Hiccup declared, grinning. "You guys are greeeeaaat."

Tuffnut returned his grin. "And we love you too buddy, now what were you saying about Astrid? Something about positions? Come on, is she a top or bottom kind of girl? I always thought Astrid seemed like a top."

Hiccup frowned. "Well we don' do it t'same way every time." He giggled. "That'd just get boring. Tuff, your hair is hilarious."

Snotlout leaned forward. "Oh, we're getting into the good stuff now. So how do you do it, Hiccup, come on, you've started, don't dry up on us now, man. Missionary? Against the wall? Dragon style?"

"Dragon style?" Hiccup frowned and hiccupped. "What the hel ish dragon style?"

Snotlout elbowed his cousin, then grabbed his arm to keep him from falling over. "You know, cuz, how the dragons do it?"

Hiccup considered him for a long moment. "Oooooh. You mean like…oh. No. Well, I mean, I've taken'er from behind before, but not really like that I guess." His eyes drooped. "I should try that."

Tuffnut grabbed his shoulders. "No, Hiccup, come on, stay with us, I have questions! The leg, do you use the leg?"

Hiccup stared at him, his brow furrowed. "What do you mean do'a'use s'leg?"

"When you do her, do you screw her with the leg on?"

Hiccup's lip curled. "What d'you mean, like do I screw her with the leg? Ew, no, Tuff."

Tuffnut shook his head. "No, no, I mean do you wear the leg when you're screwing her. Keep with the program, Haddock."

"Oooooh," Hiccup laughed. "That makes s'more sense. Yeah. Sometimes."

"Really? Why?" Hiccup glanced at Snotlout.

"Leverish."

"What?"

"Levrish!" Hiccup said louder.

"I still don't know what he's saying."

"Leverage," Tuffnut clarified, and Hiccup pointed at him and nodded.

"Yesh. Leverish." His head lolled to the side.

"Hey, no, no, no, Hiccup, Hiccup, stay with me!" Hiccup's eyes opened wide and looked blearily at Tuffnut for a moment before his eyes slid shut again. Tuffnut shook him. "No! Come on, man! I need answers! Scauldron or Gronkle, Scauldron or Gronkle?!"

Hiccup blinked his eyes opened. "What doesh zat even mean?"

"Spit or swallow, bro, spit or swallow!"

"Oh!" Hiccup nodded, his eyes closing again. "Okay. Cause. Scauldronsh spit seawa'r. And Gronles…swallow rocks." It took a moment of shaking from Tuffnut before Hiccup groaned and opened his eyes again. "Whaaaa?"

"So?" Tuff begged, eyes wild. "Which one is Astrid?"

"Wish what?"

"Scauldron or Gronkle?!"

"Neither," Hiccup mumbled, his head falling onto his shoulder. "Can I go 'a shleep now?"

Snotlout moved closer. "What do you mean neither? Astrid not into that?"

Hiccup hummed, lips pulled down. "Nah, she ish. She jus…doesn lemme…y'know. Nah in'er, um…" He gestured towards his mouth. "She'd rather jus…" he trailed off, lifting a loose fist into the air and shaking it twice before his limp arm fell to his side. He swayed and nearly fell backwards off the bench, sending Tuffnut and Snotlout lunging to catch him. They lowered him gently to the floor, thankful no one else was in the Meade Hall to see the state of inebriation they'd gotten the heir of Berk into. They leaned him back against the bench and Tuffnut tried shaking him awake, but received nothing more than a snore in response.

"Hiccup, come on, man, Hiccup! I didn't even get to ask if Astrid's into anything really kinky yet!" Snotlout laid a hand on his shoulder.

"He's gone, man. We've gotten all the information we're going to get."

Tuffnut sighed and slumped down next to Hiccup. "Yeah, I guess." He smirked. "Although, Snot, dragon style?"

"I think it has a nice ring to it!"

Xx

Astrid could tell something was wrong the moment she stepped into the hall.

Tuffnut and Snotlout burst into barely-concealed sniggers the second they saw her. Nothing good ever came out of those two looking so smug about something. Astrid put on her best smile and joined them at the table.

"Morning boys," she chirped before taking a long sip from her mug of water.

Snotlout snickered. "So you do swallow some things?"

Astrid frowned. "What?"

"Nothing!" Tuffnut elbowed him and they quickly stifled their laughter.

"Astrid!" She looked behind her just in time to see a breathless Ruffnut bursting into the hall. The other girl's wild eyes met hers and she rushed to her. "I've been looking all over for you." Ruffnut jerked Astrid out of her seat and dragged her away from the still-chuckling boys, over to a quiet corner.

Astrid pulled her arm from Ruffnut's grasp. "Ruff, what the hel?"

"I need to tell you something," Ruff panted. "Have you talked to Hiccup yet today?"

Astrid's brow furrowed. "No, he's out cold. Stoick said he was out late drinking with Snot and Tuff last night."

Ruffnut rolled her eyes. "Yeeeahh, that's about half true. More like Tuff and Snot got Hiccup really, really drunk last night, like, epic levels of intoxicated, so that they could pump him for information about you."

Astrid felt her stomach drop. "What kind of information about me?" she asked, although she had a terrible feeling she already knew the answer.

Ruffnut gave her a sheepish smile.

"Oh gods." Ruff grabbed her arm to steady her. Astrid ran a hand through her hair and glanced back at where Snotlout and Tuffnut were trying to pretend they weren't watching her. She took a deep, shuddering breath. "Okay, okay." She looked at Ruffnut. "How much did he tell them?"

Ruffnut grimaced. "Yeah, that's the thing. More like what didn't he tell them."

"Oh gods." Astrid closed her eyes. She was going to kill them. All three of them. Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Hiccup.

Starting with Hiccup, seeing as he had just walked in.

Astrid watched his eyes go wide when he saw her and the murderous expression on her face. He seemed rooted to the spot as she stomped over to him, and even with his red eyes and dark circles and obvious hangover she couldn't find it in herself to feel sorry for him.

"Astrid, before you say anything-" Astrid had no intention of saying anything. Her fist reared back before punching him square in the stomach. Her boyfriend groaned and doubled over, clutching at his midsection. "Astrid," he wheezed, "Please. Just, let me-" She grabbed him by his collar and yanked him up until his eyes were level with hers.

"I hope you enjoyed spilling all our most intimate secrets to those two dolts," Astrid hissed. "Because you and I are never doing any of those things ever again." She dropped his collar and let him fall to his knees on the floor.

Xx

"Dude, I think we just ended their relationship."

Snotlout waved a hand dismissively and took another bite of sausage. "Nah, Astrid gets pissed at Hiccup on a regular basis. They'll figure it out."

Tuffnut punched his shoulder. "Snot, she's coming towards us."

Snotlout looked up. Astrid had left behind a winded Hiccup and was now marching towards their table, fists clenched at her sides. "Yeah, we better start running."

They started to stand up, but a pressure on their shoulders pushed them back down. Both boys turned to see Ruffnut smiling at them.

"Going somewhere?" They tried to stand again but she pushed them back into their seats. Astrid was drawing closer and Snotlout gulped. Ruffnut wrapped her arms around their shoulders and grinned at her captives. "That's right, boys. Be afraid. Be very afraid. But don't worry, at least something good will come out of this." She cackled and swept a hand around the hall. "You'll be a lesson to nosy morons everywhere about what happens when you piss off the future wife of the future chief of Berk! Just wait until Hiccup takes the throne and Astrid has some real power."

"Who says I'm waiting until Hiccup takes the throne?" Astrid said, reaching the table and glaring at the boys pinned under Ruff's surprisingly strong grip. "So, boys." She smiled and cracked her knuckles. "Did Hiccup happen to mention how good I am with my hands?"