The Going - Part I

She got off the bus, pockets full of wadded up tissues, pockets full of blood. And there's no denying it any longer. She's sick.

He's there, the man she suspects shares some blame in the unraveling of her happy little world and the slow disintegration of her lungs. She accepts the ride he offers, because she wants to hear what he has to say. She wants to watch his teeth as they tell their lies so she is better prepared next time.

Then she's outside Felix's door. And she's raising her hand- not to knock, but to tape an envelope to the door.

And then she's gone again. Down the hallway, down the stairs. Another bus, another city.

She doesn't know where she's going but she knows she's going.

She got stupid and put their lives in danger, placed her trust where it didn't belong. Stupid. They would forgive her for that, she knows, relieve her of her shame. But there are other reasons to leave, bright red reasons, stuffed into her coat pockets as they slowly fade to brown. There's no chance in hell her sisters are going to watch her waste away and die. Time to move on.

She makes it five hours before she turns around, before she changes her mind. Five hours before it catches up to her- the realization that running isn't her style. It isn't time to give up yet. She isn't ready to leave them, to crawl away and die.

So she jumps ship at a rest stop and catches the next bus heading back the way she came.

Then she's at the door again, stuffing the letter into her bag, knocking, wrapping herself into comforting arms. Although she doesn't know where she's going, she knows she's not going alone.

The Going - Part II

I find the note taped to the metal door, and knows what it is before I open it. Fingers tracing my name on the envelope, I realize, I've been expecting this.

Cos,

We don't know where we are going, only that we are going.

Felix and I are taking Kira somewhere safe. That was always the plan. And it's time to get going. Before anything else comes crashing down to block our way. I can't watch my kid get kidnapped again.

It's for Kira, Cos. So that she has something to grow up on other than this. So that her world isn't warped like ours.

Pass on my love to Alison and Helena. I hope they can forgive me.

Miss you, Cos. See you sometime, somewhere.

x Sarah

I'm not angry. I don't blame her. We've all given into the going before. We've all let the pull of it, the tantalizing promise of gone, draw us away.

Did she see the note I taped to this door, months ago, when I got on a bus and drove and drove? When I ran away to die. Did she read it and let me run? Did she leave it stuck there on the door, let me steal it back in the middle of the night when I came running home? Did she wait for me, let me change my mind?

Dear Sarah, I don't know where I'm going, only that I am going.

You can only go so far, so long, before the regret of it catches up to you. Before everything you've left behind begins to fade and the fading frightens you. You turn around and run home.

The going is easy. Nothing left behind is ever truly left. It calls to you, and you remember. And if you are strong enough, you come back home.

Leaving is easy, staying is hard. Coming back is the bravest of all.

I tape the note back to the door. I'll leave it here. Just for a few days. Give her time to change her mind.