Author's note: Many thanks to my marvelous beta reader May!

Chapter 12: Reminiscence

Still 3 Months before Present Time

.

From previous chapter: "Don't worry." Konan smiled. She wrapped the baby up in tin foil and more blankets to keep him as warm as possible. "You have a lot of things to learn about babies, Itachi."
But the older Uchiha wasn't at all concerned about diaper changes and milk replacements. He couldn't suppress the new voice at the back of his mind: There is no turning back.

.

Naruto entered the bright hospital room. His jaw dropped.

Sasuke sat up in the bed, looking perfectly healthy. He was wearing an oversized dark blue t-shirt that showed off his graceful shoulders. His spiky hair was cut short but still pointing in all directions. Everything about him looked the same… except for one tiny detail. His stomach was almost flat and hardly noticeable anymore.

"Sasuke – teme, what happened to you? You look like nothing's happened!"

"Sorry to break it to you, dobe. You dreamed it all." The Uchiha raised a cocky eyebrow. He looked beautiful; his face seemed to be glowing.

"But – but what about Itachi and Shisui and –"

"He is right here," a soft voice spoke. Naruto turned around and almost jumped.

Itachi was all dressed in black, looking much sloppier than usual. But in his arms rested a tiny being, so small and soft, dressed up in a blue and white hospital suit. The baby's head was covered with black hair, and two tiny fists were clenched tightly to his little chest.

Naruto gaped like a fish and looked past the smirking Sasuke back to Itachi's smile. "Wait – did you give birth at the hospital? Wait, was I there?" Something was strange. Did he hit his head or something?

Sasuke rolled his eyes and facepalmed. "No stupid, I was joking. It all happened the way you remember it." He actually offered him a smile afterwards, which was very rare. Naruto knew what it meant – Sasuke was truly happy right now.

"But how come you're so… alert now? Didn't Itachi cut you up?"

"Tsunade healed me quite well. I'm feeling alright. I'm just glad Shisui is fine…"

"He has some examinations left," Itachi reminded him.

"I know, but physically, our baby is perfect. All of his reactions are perfectly normal; there is nothing wrong with him," Sasuke declared. Naruto felt warm inside seeing how he beamed, filled with joy. Itachi walked up to him and kissed his brother's lips deeply, still holding Shisui.

"I still can't understand how all of this could happen… I mean, it's pretty rare."

"He's our miracle," Itachi explained. "He's the evidence that impossible things can happen and actually turn out well. He is the evidence that after struggles, no matter how hard or hopeless they seem, something better awaits."

"They thought he'd die at an early stage in the pregnancy," Sasuke added, "or be too weak to make it on his own after being born too early and being so small. But he made it, and we never gave up hope. Nothing about this has been easy, but it was worth it. He's the proof."

Naruto looked at them for some moments, trying to take in what they had just said, but eventually gave up on it and exclaimed: "Can I hold him now? I've been waiting for so long!"

A glimpse of something appeared in Itachi's eyes, but he didn't protest as Sasuke sighed and reluctantly handed over his son to his friend.

As Naruto cooed and played with Shisui, both fathers watched intensely. Naruto started feeling a bit uneasy. "Um..."

"If you drop him you're dead, dobe."

"Don't worry! I'm not that clumsy!"

As the blond started babbling about how Shisui would look so much better in a ramen-colored outfit, Sasuke reached up to kiss his brother's lips again. It simply felt wonderful – Itachi's love was out of this world. He was still trying to take everything in – not only his son's bright and enchanting eyes, but the fact that Itachi was going to be with him through all this.

"This sounds strange to say… but I'm really looking forward to raising him with you."

Itachi cupped his face in his hands. There was something strange in his look, but before Sasuke could comment on it, he smiled: "We have a long journey ahead of us that few people ever get to experience."

Sasuke smiled. "The worst is over, and he was worth it all. I wouldn't mind doing it again –"

"Come on," Naruto complained. "Do you know how much I had to put up with when you were constantly pissed and had weird cravings? Shisui's adorable and all, but can you at least wait a little bit before the next one? I'm not good at keeping people alive, next time I might fuck up."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but Itachi tensed up immediately. He had been down ever since Shisui was born a few days ago, even though it was obvious how much he loved and cared for him.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke tried to read his face, immediately sensing his lover's mood.

"Nothing." Itachi averted his gaze. Sasuke didn't believe him, but chose not to bring it up now. Itachi seemed more distant than he had been for several months.

Three Days Later

The letter from the hospital arrived. Sasuke had just been allowed home, since he had recovered so well. Coming home had never felt so good. His stomach held a tall, vertical, quite nasty scar, but Tsunade had said it would fade with time.

When he sorted the mail, he noticed that the certain letter had already been opened. Frowning slightly, he skimmed it through. The blood tests and genetic testing performed on Shisui had shown something that probably was a chronic infection. They were scheduled to see a doctor at the end of the week – urgently. He felt his heart rate increase violently, and his mouth became dry.

Itachi was suffering from a chronic infection, an inherited illness that no one could really diagnose. But he had held it under control for all these years. He was hardly suffering from it once he reached adulthood, just taking regular medication.

Sasuke stared at the letter and then looked back at his brother, who had appeared out of nowhere. "This isn't what we planned, but we can handle it. Right, Itachi?"

Itachi had turned his back against him, and his entire body was stiff and tense.

"Itachi, what's going on?" Sasuke felt himself raise his voice, almost instinctively.

He felt like he was trapped in a violent roller coaster ride; everything felt uncertain.

"It was my fault."

"What?"

"He has my illness. I infected him." The words were filled with so much self-hatred, it shocked Sasuke.

"But you –"

"He is a baby. This could take his life away, and it's my fault."

Sasuke gritted his teeth. His temper was flaring; the anger was reaching a dangerous temperature. "You think you can just give me the cold shoulder now and leave me alone with this? It's our child, we gotta do this together."

Itachi was still not looking at him. "It's my fault. Everything that happens to you and him is my fault."

"So you're just going to roll around in self-hatred for the rest of our son's life?"

"He doesn't deserve a father who dragged him into a life of suffering."

"Don't give me that fucking shit. He needs you, I need you. Don't make me repeat it. You know I don't blame you for anything. For Shisui's sake, Itachi, snap out of it!"

"… I can't."

The raw panic was approaching, only his willpower was holding it back. "Yes you can and you will. You promised you'd never leave me!"

"You are so much better off without me, Sasuke. Trust me."

"I'm not going to trust you right now. I'm not better off, for fuck's sake!" The emotions were painfully raw, hiding right below the surface. His worst fears were coming true, and they soon turned into fury.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke. I can't."

Sasuke clenched his fists. "Then don't bother coming back. What if I just gave up like you every time I got unsure of myself? There's someone who needs me, and I'm not fucking going to abandon him. Remember our father? He was never there."

"You're only making it worse. I already know I am a worthless father, thank you very much."

The poison in his voice seemed to infect everything around him. "… And I thought I was going to live the rest of my life with you. It's pathetic. You have to pull yourself together. Now."

"I can't."

Sasuke was too upset to think straight, but before he knew it, the bedroom door was shut firmly behind his brother, and he was gone. He had not left the house, but he had left mentally.

I never once thought it would turn out like this.
Not for a second.
I thought we would be together forever, you and me.
Guess it was just me growing up.

What now? How do you repair something that has been broken into so many, dirty pieces? How do you pick up the pieces and clean them off all the pain?

Sasuke collapsed against the door, curling into a small pile on the floor.

"Itachi… please. Talk to me. I'm going crazy. Just say anything. I can't stand it."

No answer. Two weeks had passed and not a word. Shisui was getting so anxious at night, never giving Sasuke a chance to rest.

"How can you do this to me?" Sasuke had beaten the door until his fists went numb, but it remained firmly shut in his face. He had cried, screamed, and been silent for days. He had taken too much medication, starved himself, left every tap in the entire house running. No reaction.

It didn't matter what he put himself through in order to get the other's attention. The person on the other side of the door was dead. Gone.

Out of pure worry, Sasuke had started putting trays of food at his door, begging him to come out. Some days he found the tray emptied, in a very polite way, as if no human being had ever touched it. Other days, it was left untouched.

He screamed at the door. "I need you and you shut me out! Fuck you! Fuck you, Itachi. I need you to be here for me! Fuck you! I hate you!"

He begged. "Nii-san... please. Please..."

Despite what hurtful words he threw at his brother in his desperate anger, they felt emptier than ever before. Nothing was true, but they were the only things his mind could produce.

Sasuke continued on with his life, not really knowing what else to do. He had no chance to stop it all, because Shisui's life depended on him. Someone had to take care of him. The worry and care for his child overshadowed the need to collapse on the other side of the door, the urge to wilt away alongside his brother.

He had never cried so much in his entire life. Every night, he soaked the sheets. The razors cut deeper into his skin, carving words and letters he couldn't recognize. It didn't help, it didn't stop hurting.

As the weeks passed, slowly turning into months, he grew number. His life focused on housework, cooking for two but eating alone, feeding Shisui, waking up at night to put him to sleep, washing and ironing their clothes, and taking care of his son's occasional coughing fits.

Sometimes Naruto came over to play with Shisui or to leave groceries since Sasuke never left the house. Sometimes Konan or Tsunade would visit for a routine health check on Shisui. In between that, he tried to keep himself together. He never spoke to Naruto more than when it was absolutely necessary. His friend seemed to keep his distance, looking scared whenever he saw him.

At night, he bit his fist to keep himself from screaming out loud from the nightmares that haunted his mind. At least he wasn't crying anymore. He didn't eat much at all. Time passed swiftly and sometimes, it dragged itself over him and swallowed him whole in anxiety. He would collapse on the bathroom floor, watching his wrists turn red and the floor turn slippery. He tried to keep himself healthy – he had sworn to stay away from drugs, smoking and pills no matter what – Shisui needed him.

It hurt more than he could ever imagine. But his son left him no time to think and grieve. Shisui literally kept him on his feet, a piece of something to hold onto. It scared him to know, that if his son wasn't there, the next time Naruto came by, he would have found Sasuke pressed against the bedroom door, merely a wilting skeleton.

.

Back To Present

.

Everything is going to be fine now. Itachi won't leave again.

How could he trust that? How could he know that Itachi wouldn't leave him all alone once again? He could fall back down into his misery again any second, and it terrified Sasuke. He was living on the utter edge in fear.

"Otouto, all I want to undo is your pain and your suffering. Nothing else. I know you probably can't believe me. It's true I don't know my son, but he is a part of us."

The doubt was his worst enemy.

"I promise you Sasuke, that from now on, you won't stand alone. All I need is for you to give me a chance to prove it."

He waited three months to hear those words. Now they seemed wasted.

"Just let me make it better... I know I don't have the right to, but it's the only thing I ask of you."

After those moments of temporary bliss together with his brother, he couldn't rest. He had decided – tried – to pretend that nothing had ever been wrong. Pretended that Itachi had been there all along since Shisui was born. But he had not, and that fact could not be erased.

Pretend - the last escape route from this situation.

The following nights, he was unable to sleep despite the fact that Itachi went to soothe Shisui every time he cried.
Itachi did everything, trying to make up for something that couldn't possibly be compensated. He cooked, cleaned, gave Sasuke both space and closeness, trying so hard. He was so tender with Shisui, always managing to calm him down and singing him to sleep even when Sasuke couldn't.

Sasuke was caught thinking it through over and over again. He was angry with himself for giving himself to his brother, for letting his own foolish needs and desires overtake him. But seconds later, when Itachi climbed back into bed and their skin touched, he felt that it was all worth it. His body had forgotten the pain by now, even though the mind couldn't.

It felt worth it. It felt better to have touched him, held him, kissed him and taken the pain, than never experiencing it. It felt better to have heard those words of love, those promises, than if they never occurred at all. It felt better to have felt the heated lust and passion and see them disappear.

Finding their way back together in everyday chores and taking care of an infant together was difficult. The following days, Sasuke found himself tiptoeing around his brother, always holding his breath for the day Itachi would stop talking to him again. Every time Itachi went into the guest bedroom to fetch something, he felt his heart beating fast. Itachi noticed every little tense movement of Sasuke's, every time his heart skipped a beat, and the look in his eyes was making it worse.

Sasuke tried to understand how it had all happened. He had let Itachi come back into his life, soothe him at night, go to bed with him and even threaten Naruto, and he was accepting it as if nothing had ever happened. He was biting his tongue, pushing the emotions back. Scared to death by the thought of Itachi leaving his side again, but angry with him for being so unreliable. He still remembered everything.

Every time he closed his eyes, the terrible nights and angst returned. He had dreamed about him so many times. In some of those dreams, he had felt somewhat happy. In those dreams, Itachi had returned to him, tender and honest. Now those dreams had faded.

Still, Itachi was right beside him, taking him into his arms every time he felt anxious and holding him so tight until the ache subsided.

.

Naruto was still coming around as often as he could, playing with Shisui. But the younger Uchiha saw through him – there was another reason for his increasingly frequent visits. After Itachi stepped back into his life, Naruto had reacted by coming around more often than before. Sasuke had hoped he would lay low after Itachi overreacted the other day, but to his great annoyance, that wasn't the case.

Today, Naruto had come around like usual. Sasuke was changing Shisui's diaper in the living room while the blond was watching TV. He had been around for a couple of hours, glaring at Itachi as soon as the older Uchiha looked away. Itachi was wary around him, but hadn't done anything. Sasuke could hear him finish cleaning up in the kitchen.

Naruto glanced around to check that Itachi wasn't nearby and fidgeted nervously.

"Sasuke, I gotta talk to you."

The other stiffened instantly, finishing without a word and putting his son to his chest to calm himself down. Naruto had rose from his slumped position on the couch and looked at him with a serious expression.

"It's really important."

Sasuke's arms tightened around Shisui. He glanced at the kitchen. Itachi seemed busy. The blond moved closer and Sasuke rose to his feet. He felt cornered.

"Are you happy with him, Sasuke?"

He immediately got defensive. "What kind of question is that?"

"Don't try to hide it from me." Naruto frowned, and his words suddenly seemed to flow endlessly. "I know you're unhappy. He is letting you down over and over again, and you're just putting up with it. Every time he does something, you forgive him right away. Don't you see what he has done to you, teme?"

"That's a lie!" He gritted his teeth.

"No, it isn't, and you know it too. For how long have you been living together?"

"… That's a stupid question."

"Okay… for how long have you two been officially in a relationship?"

"Five years."

"He isn't treating you right. He doesn't see what you need, Sasuke. I can't help but wonder…"

"Shut it!"

Shisui whimpered. Sasuke pressed him tighter to himself.

" I would treat you better. Won't you see that? I would never leave you alone or push you away. I would be there for you, always. No, listen to me. I'm not trying to come between you and Itachi - "

"Then why are you telling me this? It's enough, Naruto!" he snapped. "You're already there for me, that's enough."

"I hate to see your face after every argument, every time he leaves you alone. He gives you so much stress, don't try to hide it."

"We… we're working on it. Nothing has happened yet. Besides, it's none of your concern."

"It is! You're my best friend. As soon as he snaps again, you'll be back to square one."

"…"

"I would give you the world, Sasuke." Naruto's voice was more pained than he had ever heard it before, making the Uchiha's defense falter slightly. He would never admit it, but the thought of Naruto taking the role as a father to Shisui… it had crossed his mind many times.

The other sighed, glaring at him. "You don't see what's right in front of you, that's the problem with you. You're stuck in the past."

"If I want to be stuck there, it's my damn problem. Why am I even discussing this with you?"

"You're so stupid sometimes, teme," the other hissed. "Itachi is such a mess, why don't you choose the only way that doesn't give you more problems? Why do you keep waiting for someone like that? You could do so much better. Being with someone with his kind of issues is gonna drain you completely!"

"Because…" The fierce comeback got stuck in his throat. It was suddenly hard to find his voice again. He was torn between the urge to slap the blond right across the face, and simply turning and walking away.

"Because I love him." He was angry, torn up inside. "He is worth it, because I love him. I don't care what issues he has, because I can't live without him. His life is more important to me than anything else. I would rather die than live without him."

"He hurt you so much. It won't ever be like that with me," Naruto muttered. "You deserve someone who is completely devoted to you, someone who gives you what you need." His eyes were fixated on Shisui, and Sasuke felt the urge to turn his son's face away.

Steps coming towards the living room, announcing his brother's approach, saved him from having to reply. Naruto got up, giving him a sharp look. "I gotta go." He grabbed his coat off the couch and was out of the house in a minute, just giving Sasuke another hurt look over his shoulder.

The younger Uchiha sighed and gently placed his son back onto his blanket on the floor. He loved him so much. Sometimes, it felt like Shisui was the only supportive pillar in his life, the only one that wouldn't go away.

He looked up to see Itachi standing by the door, looking at them.

"I need to talk to you, Sasuke."

We're approaching the end and all support is very much welcomed. Please review!

- Love, Crystallinee