A/N: i had fun with this one, hehe. i hope you have fun reading it.

Gajeel knew what he had to do.

He'd practiced this moment a thousand times in the mirror, winking at his reflection and relishing in the surge of confidence that rushed into his veins as it winked back, boasting a devilish handsome smirk beneath the crimson orbs, that slight twist of the lips which he had spent hours perfecting. His words had been chosen with the utmost care, carved out of rough wooden blocks with an expert hand and resulting in a masterful expression of desire and affection, with just a pinch of indifference shaved into the design. It was his finest work of art, one that was sure to have her swooning into his waiting arms.

Nonetheless, asking his reflection on a date wasn't exactly what he had in mind, so he had requested the help of Panther Lily, his loyal and devoted Exceed. They would rehearse the scene, 'Levy' being played by the small grey cat who had begrudgingly donned a pale blue wig for the occasion (or, rather, had been forced to accept the prop when the damned thing was stapled onto his head from behind). It was to make the scene as 'realistic as possible', Gajeel had claimed, although Lily had caught the amused grin which flitted across the dragon slayer's face, and internally swore revenge on him.

"What is this - horse hair?" asked Lily, wincing as he scratched the synthetic hair.

"Doesn't matter," said Gajeel. "I want to get to the guild before she goes home, so just read your lines for me, will ya?"

Eyes roaming the provided script (it had been bound, and even titled, 'Asking the Shrimp Out'), he found his lines underlined in bright red ink.

"'Oh, Gajeel!'" he gasped, raising his voice two octaves and pronouncing each syllable in a breathy sigh, "'you're looking so incredibly handsome toda-' really?" he broke off in the middle, waving a paw at the accused line. "She wouldn't say that. When has she ever complimented you?"

"Shut up and keep going," snarled Gajeel. "I didn't ask for your opinion." Shoving the stack of papers back into Lily's chest (it was really thick, Lily noticed, for just one conversation - what the hell was in there?), he folded his arms and awaited the delivery.

Clearing his throat, the Exceed masked his growing amusement with his best, most stern expression, and was about to continue when his partner cut him short.

"No, don't look like that!"

He raised a brow. "Don't look like what? Like me?"

"Like you're about to eat a fucking lemon or something," complained Gajeel. "Try to look like her."

"How should I do that, exactly?" asked Lily.

"I don't know…you could look…flowery."

"Flowery?"

"Well, ya know…you've got the small bit down, but she's got that really cute thing going for her, and she always smells nice - you know, like a flower."

"Uh huh…I see."

Flushing red, Gajeel stammered, "N-never mind, just continue!"

Smiling, (Gajeel couldn't tell whether Lily was mocking him or genuinely making an effort), he read the line aloud: "What can I do for you today?" Snorting, he peeked over the top of the page. "Are you serious? She sounds like a waitress! 'Can I get you the usual?'" he teased. "'If you like, we have some rusting scraps of iron coming off of the boiler - we don't need them, but if you want we can put them on the side of your meal for you!'"

"Will you just read the damn lines without making some fucking snarky comment?" snapped Gajeel, rubbing his temples.

"Well, she can be a little bit snarky too -"

"Know what? Shut up. I'll go." Exhaling loudly, he began, reading out the scribblings he had spent hours and hours wracking his brains on, his prized, precious work, he read, "'Listen, Shrimp -"

"Shrimp?"

"Yeah?"

"She does have a name, you know. Ever think of starting with that?"

"It's what I always call her!"

"My mistake! You're right; it's very romantic. There's nothing more flattering than being equated to a tiny pink crustacean. When you guys are getting down and dirty in the bedroom, I bet she'll love it when you scream it 'SHRIMP!' instead of her name. She might just think you're hungry, or into some really freaky fetish, but hey, it's what you always call her, and that's really all that matters. No, no, please, by all means, don't mind my opinion. Carry on."

"…I could go with 'bookworm', instead."

"Or Levy."

"…"

"Have you really been working on this for hours? Are you sure?"

"Know what? Get lost. I don't want your fucking help." Snatching his script away from the cat, who was snickering derisively beneath his curly blue locks, he tore the entire thing into shreds, silently mourning his efforts.

"Why don't you write her a song?" suggested Lily, hopping onto the dragon slayer's shoulder. He'd completely obliterated all the man's hopes, might as well try to be a little supportive.

"I'm not going to write her a song," said Gajeel. He had begun pacing now, his nerves frazzled and on edge due to the sudden demolition of his plans.

"Oooh Levy – sorry, almost forgot, - Oooh Shrimp, you melt my iron heart, shooby doo bop!" sang Lily proudly, and, very in-tune, an aspect which annoyed Gajeel far more than it ought to. Without warning, his hands shot towards the Exceed's neck, ready to throttle the poor thing. With a helpful boost from newly-formed wings, Lily leapt off of Gajeel's shoulder, narrowly avoided his reaching claws. However, he had the misfortune to still be wearing the 'Levy' wig, and his friend took advantage of this as he groped at the tresses of synthetic hair and violently ripped them off.

"YEEEEOW!"

Shrieking and screaming at Gajeel, wings fluttering madly as he hovered in the air, this was how Levy found the two; one crying angry tears while screeching in the way only a dying cat could (or, at least, in the way a cat who thought it was dying could), sore red blisters radiating with a furious glow from upon his head, while the other barked and snapped vicious insults and threats, shark-like teeth snapping together in a manner which suggested he was just about ready to eat the poor creature.

She had knocked, but from the raucous she had heard through the door, she'd made the wise assumption that neither of them had heard her, and chosen to just walk on in. Whether or not that in itself was a smart decision, she really couldn't say.

"What are you doing here?" Gajeel asked, shoving Lily to the ground. She noticed this, but decided not to comment. In his state of delirium, Lily seemed oddly content. What the hell is even going on here? Instead of wasting time on speculating as to what nonsense could have brought this about, she took a deep breath, clenched her fists shut, and, in a near command-like tone, bellowed:

"Gajeel, let's go out to dinner tonight!"

"…"

A loud guffaw emerged from the floor, where Panther Lily was doubled over, clawing at the stitches in his sides as he listened with glee to the sounds of Gajeel's brain shattering into a million pieces.

"O-okay."