AN- Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been able to write! I am actually working on my very own fiction book, that will be published here in a few weeks! So that's taken my writing focused. However its now being edited. So I had a little more time! I'll let you guys know when its ready, in case anybody is interested :-)

Thanks for following and supporting this story and me!

Lena wasn't sure what woke her up, but she was wide awake. She looked over and saw Mariana curled up in a ball next to her sound asleep. Breathing peacefully. This made her heart soar. Knowing her daughter wasn't getting much sleep these days, and actually seeing her sleeping was a relief.

She carefully sat up and looked down at the air bed. Expecting to see her eldest daughter and wife asleep, but she only saw her wife.

She glanced at the clock and saw that it was now five am. Early as heck but no longer the middle of the night.

After another glance at Mariana, Lena carefully climbed out of the bed trying to not jostle her. She made her way past the air bed, without waking up Stef and traveled down stairs.

She checked the kitchen and found it empty so she checked the living room with the TV found it empty. She then checked the family room and found Callie curled up on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her and a cup of tea in her non casted.

"Hey, slug-a-bug" She greeted to not startle her.

Callie looked up and smile "Morning, mama."

"Are you okay, Cal?" Lena asked as she made her way into the room and sat on the coffee table in front of the girl.

"Mmm hmm" Callie nodded as she opened the blanket.

Lena slid in from the coffee table to the couch and wrapped the blanket around herself and Callie. This was unexpected, especially since the girl had been distancing herself from Lena honestly since the shooting.

Callie slid into Lena's side after she put her cup of tea down on the coffee tab.

"You do realize its five am, and we were up until at least midnight, before we fell asleep?" Lena asked before she kissed the top of Callie's head twice.

Callie nodded "Those were cheesy movies."

Lena let out a small laugh "Yeah, that's what happens when you let mom pick the movies. Is that why you're not still asleep? Cheesy movie syndrome?"

Callie giggled at the wordage and shook her head. "No, I was just thinking."

"No bad dreams, though?"

Callie shook her head "No, I don't have that many anymore. Maybe a few a week and more when I nap. I am just usually always tired because I am up with Mariana. I know you guys thought it was me having the nightmares, but it was me just doing what she asked. I was trying to protect her."

"I know, babe" Lena nodded her head against the top of Callie's. "I am not upset with you, I promise. Sisters look out for each other."

"I think things are different for her, scarier" Callie explained "Because of the unknown, you know during the shooting, you and I were together. We saw everything. While we saw some pretty horrific sights we saw things. Our brains processed it." Callie looked up to Lena "While all Mariana had was the dark. Hot stuffy and dark, and she only heard things. So her brain had to process that differently. Like it didn't compute the same. You know?"

Lena took a deep breath and nodded "That's a good observation, and you're probably right on. Sometimes I wish I hadn't left her in that bench."

Callie looked up. "Mama, people were shooting all around us! You did what you had to do. I don't really think there as a wrong or right way of acting."

"When did you get to be so wise?" Lena asked softly as rested the side of her cheek on Callie's head.

"Life" Callie whispered "I am young, but I have a lot of life experience."

Lena winced and nodded "That you do, baby. I am sorry about. I'd sell my right kidney if it would have helped protect you from life. So you could hold onto your innocence and wonder longer. I am trying so hard to make these last precious few years of your childhood, run smoothly. Makeup for some of before."

Callie was quiet for a few moment as she stayed close to Lena. "I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world." She whispered "They've been hard, but they're making me who I am. I think I am going to like who I turn out to be."

Lena out a gentle laugh before hugging Callie to her tighter. "I love who you are right now, at this very stage in life."

Callie looked up at her and gave her a small yet sassy smile. "Even after the last few weeks? I know I've been difficult. I am really sorry, mama."

Lena nodded "I know you are, and I know you've had a lot going on, but things seemed to have drastically shifted for you since yesterday. Can you tell me what has been going on in that pretty head of yours?

Callie shifted under the blanket as she tried to come up with the words. "I think I have been carrying around the fear of having cancer again. I guess it was always in the back of my mind. This time if I had it, well it wouldn't have been treated, and I could die… I don't want to die." She whispered "I want more time with you." She looked to Lena "And everyone in this family, but you know what I mean. With the school shooting I just realized again how precious life was. I mean we could have died that. You could have been killed right in front of me. Or me in front of you." Her voice cracked slightly. "I don't know mama, my head just became a big jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings I couldn't put together"

Lena nodded she knew that. There were times she could practically see the wheels turning Callie's head. Yet not being able to say a single word.

"There were times, where I thought I was the cause of this, its my body that had cancer when I was three. Its my cancer that made my parents start to fight. It's my illness that made dad start drinking, which led to him drinking and driving, its my fault that my mom died, because I didn't kiss her goodbye. It's my fault you were shot at because we were fighting. It's my fault I was by you when Jesus fell into me and I knocked you down. It would be my fault if my cancer came back. It would be my fault if it stressed out the family. It's my fault." Callie said quietly her eyes peeking out from behind her hair that had fallen into her face.

Lena sat there taking in what her daughter had said. She'd known that Callie blamed herself for getting shot at, and for her mother's death, but she hadn't realized how deep the root of blame had been. It started when girl was only three year olds. She carefully reached out and pushed some of Callie's hair away from her face, before turning the child around so she was facing her completely. The blanket had fallen down behind Callie now.

"Sweetheart, I need you to pay real close attention to what I am going to say to you" She said softly as she took her hands in her own. "These feelings must have been so awful for you. Handling them on your own is hard." She told her. "I know it is in our nature, to want to put blame on something, or someone when bad things happen. It helps our brain process. However, Callie getting sick wasn't your fault, my love. Your dad drinking that was his choice, and how he dealt with his stress, it wasn't your fault. Your mom didn't die because you didn't kiss her goodbye, baby" She said on a softer tone. "Those kids at the school with guns, who were wanting to hurt me. Didn't come by that choice, because you and I were having one of our first mother daughter arguments." She leaned in and kissed Callie's now tear stained cheek.

Callie gave a small smile as more tears fell.

"I know you thought that fight, was bad but I was happy about it. Honestly"

Callie's eyes got big "You were happy, I was being a brat?"

"You were comfortable with me. You were treating me like teens sometimes treat their mothers. To me that was almost baby book worth."

Callie let out a loud laugh "Yeah, baby book worthy? Did you start one of those?"

"Maybe, I did" Lena teased "Honey, you have to understand those things I said were not your fault, Jesus bumping into us was just accident. If the doctor thought your cancer was coming back, that wouldn't have been your fault either. These things just happen. All your responsible for is, being the best kid you can be, and communicating with mom and myself on what you need from time to time. While we know you pretty well, and can figure out a lot on our own. We aren't always mind readers." She used her thumbs to wipe away the last few tears that were falling.

"Are you hearing me?" She asked "Can you trust me, and believe what I just said?"

Callie gave her a little nod "It is really hard, since my thoughts have always been one way, but I am working on it. I promise."

"You're a great kid, Callie." Lena said loudly so her daughter heard her. "I am so thankful I get to be your mama, and I get to watch you grow up, and turn from this amazing kid, to a beautiful talented young woman right before my eyes. I am proud of you my sweet girl."

Callie lunged forward and wrapped her arms tightly around Lena's neck burying her face against her mother's girls "I love you mama. I don't want to push you away anymore." She said softer "It hurts to much. This girl needs her moms. Even when you annoy me" She said with a laugh.

"Oh, so we annoy you" Lena smiled as she poked Callie in the ribs and watched her squirm as she laughed. "Mama!"

"Nobody should be having fun at this hour" Stef yawned as she came down the stairs "No fun, before mommy gets her coffee."

"Me and mama don't need coffee to be fun" Callie teased "Only you're the bear this early."

"Cheeky" Stef yawned as she moved to the other side of Callie and picked up the dropped blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Everything okay down here?"

Lena nodded "Yes, things are great. Callie and I were just talking. We were coming up with ways, to make you take us out to breakfast once Mariana is up."

Stef laughed "You were, were you?" She then poked Callie on the other side of her ribs. "Is that true, baby girl?"

While Callie laughed and squirmed away from her as well. "No" She shook her head "But it's a great idea."

"I am already taking you out to a fancy dinner" Stef pretended to whine "Where I have to wear a dress, and make up."

"Mariana and I chipped into the dinner" Callie reminded her. "Because Mariana, really wanted to do it."

"Details" Stef moved closer to poke Callie again. "But alright, just because I think you're pretty cute, and the boys are having amazing camping breakfasts."

"But, can we nap for two hours?" Stef pretended to whine "Its five am guys!"

Lena shook her head "I am up, I am making coffee."

"Mmm" Stef acknowledged while she pulled Callie into her side covering her with a blanket. "Me and the sweet pea, are going to close our eyes for a minute. Let us know when its brewed."

Lena rolled her eyes "Yes, honey.. Mariana good?"

Stef nodded with her closed eyes "Kid is snoring. Probably the most hours in a stretch of time period she's slept."

"Oh there is truth to that" Callie nodded "She sleeps one to two hours at the most. Then we watch Friends all night."

"Mmm" Stef nodded again "Remind me to take your iPads at night."

"Good to know" Lena said heading for the kitchen. "I'll be working with her. We're going to leave the air bed in our room for a couple of days again. Maybe longer."

Callie nodded her eyes now closed as she leaned against Stef. "I like it. Smart mama."

Dear Mom,

Hi it's me Callie!

I miss you mommy. Maybe I am to big to call you that now. I'll be 12 in three weeks. Is it okay if I still call you mommy? I hope so! I just wanted to let you know Jude and I are in another house. This one isn't as bad. But I know we won't be here long. This mom has several other kids. She's busy and can't keep us long. Bill sweet talked her in to take us. But its okay. I don't mind a break from the harder houses. Maybe I shouldn't talk about that. It might make you sad. You can't be sad in heaven! Its against some kind of rules right? Heaven is happy? How can heaven be happy without us?... Sorry... I hope you're having fun. I hope Heaven is amazing. I just wanted you to know that I am taking care of Jude. Really good care of him! I promise I won't ever let anything happen to him.

I miss you mom, I am being as strong as I can be. So I can watch out for Jude and me. I just wanted to give you update on us. I am sure you're watching over us, but still.

I also wanted to say, I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't kiss you goodbye. I am sorry I never got to kiss you again. I am sorry I was a hard kid. I am sorry that I got sick, I am sorry I made daddy drink. I am really sorry I broke our family up. I hope you can forgive me.

I love you mommy, I am going to make you proud of me. You'll see.

I'll write to you soon.

Love your daughter,

Callie.

PS. Jude sends hugs and kisses.

Callie stood in the back of her currant foster house. Her note attached to a balloon, she'd gotten that night at dinner. Her foster mom had looked at hr funny when she asked for a balloon like the little kids. She's made sure she kept track of her precious balloon, during little kid bedtime routine now she was able to have few minutes for herself. She asked if she could go in the yard. Her foster mother saw the balloon in her hand and pad of paper. She must have put together what Callie was doing. Her face softened and she granted Callie permission.

Now Callie was standing on the picnic table. She let go of the balloon that had its letter. She watched it float above her. It got higher and higher until she could no longer see it.

She blinked back tears before she turned to go back into the house. She needed to go to bed. Her heart too much to function.