Flagrantly stolen from DreamingALife's Alex Rider fic Do you know who I am? Like really flagrantly actually, aha, but I was granted permission by the author, so yes, all homage to them for this incredibly hilariously wonderful plot. I wanted to post something happy because there have been too many horrible things in the news in the past few weeks and I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who doesn't handle things like these well, so this is for you, if you needed it. A little reprieve from the real world even if I can't change what is happening out there.

Set between seasons one and two because it needed to be before Pirate Radio and this speech was getting a little out of hand as it was. XD (although it's been brought to my attention that despite my best efforts, there are some anachronistic references in the fic that I will leave for the time being until they are all sorted out. please forgive the things that don't belong- they're only trying to make you laugh)

Our villain comes courtesy of ghostfiish and notdannyphantom on tumblr.

Bayard

n., a person armed with the self confidence of ignorance

August 25, 2014

They heard the voice booming through the walls before they ever saw him coming.

"Cower in terror, mortals!" the ghost thundered as he materialized through the chalkboard, brushing the velvety folds of his floor length brown cape aside to reveal what looked like a glorified super soaker water gun in his hands. "For I am Ignatius Magnanimo, Destroyer of Worlds!

"I take all lands for my own," he told them haughtily, his luminescent yellow eyes gleefully scanning the rows full of cowering students, "And in this world of yours, I start with this classroom!"

Pumping the gun in his hand several times to prime the shooting mechanism, he looked around wondering if anyone was stupid enough to try to challenge his claims to greatness and subsequent declarations of supremacy in the Casper High English Class.

When no one else responded to the ghost's announcement that he was about to take over the world beginning with their particular high school, Danny snorted and stood up from behind his desk, walking to the middle of the room and staring up at the ghost hovering there.

He ignored the frightened whispers from his fellow students and the confused warnings from Sam and Tucker wondering what on earth he thought he was doing. Without taking eyes away from the ghost who was now fixated solely on him, he put out a hand to assure his two best friends that everything was under control.

"Hi," he greeted in an overly polite voice before trailing off like he had forgotten the ghost's name and didn't want to ask for it again.

"Ignatius Magnanimo," the ghost supplied grandly.

Danny smiled. "Hi, Ignatius. Do you know who I am?"

The ghost looked down at him, eyebrow arching with mocking curiosity. He crossed his arms and flared out his cape dramatically as he asked, "Should I know who you are, human?"

One of Danny's hands rubbed against the back of his neck like he was bashful about having to respond the way he was about to. But then he lifted his head, and the expression on his face was so pointedly gleeful that Magnanimo dropped an inch or two in the air.

"Yes, actually, you probably should."

Everyone in the room—students, teacher, and ghost— froze at the tone of his voice and waited with baited breath as he continued talking.

"But seeing as you don't," Danny mock lamented, "I'll tell you why."

Tucker made a little choking sound in the back of his throat and Sam yipped, "Danny!"

He quieted them with a wave of his hand, but then, of course, that made everyone lean forward in their seats. Everyone in school knew that Danny Fenton was a weird kid. That his family was all kinds of crazy even though ghosts did turn out to be real. That he and his Goth almost-girlfriend and techno-loving geek best friend got into more trouble than anyone else in the history of the school. That he had some kind of bad bladder problem and that it meant he was usually in the bathroom whenever a ghost showed up at Casper High. And even if he wasn't in the bathroom, he was still normally nowhere to be seen when the ghosts were flying through the halls. They had yet to see him doing anything remotely helpful during a ghost attack and now he was staring one down like it was the easiest thing in the world.

They all wanted to see why the sudden change had taken place and if it would reveal a bit more of the mystery that surrounded their classmate.

And if the stare down tactic would actually work.

"My name's Danny Fenton," he began in a deceptively mild voice. "I'm the son of ghost hunters Jack and Maddie Fenton and I've been fighting off mutant turkeys, rabid fanged hot dogs, and vacuum cleaners that will suck the hair straight off your head since I was a toddler. Since then, of course," he said, "things in my life have gotten a little more complicated. I'm fourteen now and I've faced ghosts that are much more impressive and more annoying than you are."

Magnanimo bristled and made a show of brandishing his water gun in Danny's face. The teenager didn't so much as blink even when his classmates gasped.

Danny nodded as if his point had just been proven for him and pointed a finger at the ghost. "Let me tell you something, my friend, about some of the things that I have faced," he said before plowing ahead without the ghost's permission.

"I've fought off disgruntled lunch ladies, the box ghost at least five times a week no matter what I do, and," he shuddered, "Box Lunch. Eww," he added for good measure.

"I've fought a pop singer who wanted to take over the world, a genie that twisted all of your wishes, a psychologist that feeds on misery and insecurity to keep herself looking young forever, her shape shifting sidekick, Johnny 13's shadow and his overprotective girlfriend who, for some bizarre reason, thought it was a good idea to try to possess my sister. And I regularly face off with a ghost whose sole goal in the afterlife right now is to hang my pelt on the wall near his bed," he added as almost an afterthought.

"The ghost that haunts locker 274 and I swapped bodies and I had to escape his black and white alternate dimension of a school while no one in the real world even noticed that I was gone. I survived a direct face off with The Fright Knight and his sword of terror and pulled a jailbreak and confiscated real world items right from underneath Walker's nose," he ticked the events off on his fingers.

"The closest thing I have to a pet is a ghost dog," Danny offered, figuring it might as well make the list too.

"Once, I stopped Technus from taking over the internet by trapping him in Level Zero of Doomed. And, you know, there was that one time when I was on the front cover of Genius Magazine because I discovered that one of the last two remaining purple backed gorillas in the world was actually a female.

"I keep beating the fruitloopy billionaire that wants to kill my dad, marry my mom, and adopt me. Or clone me. Or kill me. Depending on the day. And I escaped from three different task forces that were offered a million dollar reward for capturing me.

"I've fought dragons and people turned into dragons by that cursed amulet Aragon and his sister keep losing. And the jealous ghost powered version of my best friend that was slowly turning evil.

"Then there was the werewolf that speaks Esperanto, but we're actually pretty good friends now so we're cool there. And then there's this friend that I sort of like and want to date but I sort of accidentally ruined her life only she doesn't know it was me, but yeah, she works part time with my archenemy to kill me even though she might still like me? I dunno, that one's complicated.

"And more recently, I broke out of being mind controlled by a German circus freak into becoming the leader of a band of thieves just before he almost made my kill my other best friend. So yeah," he said, "You and that little water gun of yours don't impress me. And as much as I dislike this class, I think you taking it over would make it even worse. And I am so not in the mood today."

"So let me give you a bit of advice, my friend," Danny whispered before his face split into something like a grin. Then he leaned forward to impart his piece of wisdom even as the ghost leaned backward. "Run."

And Magnanimo did, his horrified yellow eyes the last thing to disappear as he melted back through the wall he had come out of without a word. His water gun clattered to the floor, forgotten in his haste to escape.

Satisfied that the ghost was gone, Danny turned and sat back down at his seat before picking up his pen and turning back to his notebook like class hadn't ever stopped. Everyone in the room stared at him with their mouths agape, wondering what on earth they had just seen.

Lancer recovered first, shaking himself out of his stupor enough to stutter out a question. "… Mr. Fenton…?" he managed.

"Yes, Mr. Lancer?" Danny asked as if nothing was wrong.

Lancer opened his mouth and closed it several times before asking, "Care to explain what just happened?"

"Well," Danny's forehead crinkled. "The ghost came in," he recounted, "and I told him to go away and then he did…?"

Lancer waved his arm around a bit. "Yes, but… how were you able to think all of that up? On the spot? Enough to scare him away?"

"Oh," Danny said. Blinked. Thought for a moment. Then shrugged. "I guess you're right."

"I'm right?" Lancer asked.

"Whenever I give you my excuses for coming into class late," Danny replied. "I guess I just have an overactive imagination."