This is my first SOA fic. Just wanted to see what Tara was doing and feeling when she was in that relationship with Kohn. Tara's present day relationship with Kohn is intertwined with her past relationship with Jax. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: In the colorful language of Kurt Sutter, I don't own shit but the damn DVD collection and an active need to see Charlie Hunnam full frontal. You 'll have to pry that dream from my cold dead hands.

GRAVE CONDITION

She tries to hold in her sobs as she daps the blood again with the washrag. The cut on her lip won't stop bleeding and she doesn't want to get stitches. That would lead to questions she isn't ready or willing to answer. Locked in the tiny bathroom of her one bedroom apartment, she still feels so unsafe and vulnerable- two feelings she hates. She's not some cowering damsel, some simpering abused woman who allows a man to pound her face in, yet here she is, tending to a swollen lip and increasingly purple cheek.

Outside her bathroom door, the phone rings. Josh is calling...again. Phone call number twenty. That began shortly after she felt the sting of his fist on her face. He attacked her when she arrived home from work and had tried blocking her from shutting her front door. She fought back as hard as she could, fighting for survival, or space, or whatever, which allowed her to throw on the locks. He tried to push his way into her apartment, and gotten a good lick in, splitting her lip. She assumed he was still in her hallway, pacing, calling her incessantly.

He'd have to tire of it sometime. When she checks her locks again, she'd unplug her phone too, she thinks. She needs to call her super; the super would ask him to leave. She needs to call the police. Thank god, she felt weird giving him a key, so she never offered. But then again, she'd never think he would do this to her.

She'd pack a bag and stay at the hospital tomorrow.

Leaning over the sink, she watches the red flow down the drain. Her blood.

Tara had never really been hit by a man before. Even her drunk asshole of a father, whose fits of rage were limited to yelling and throwing shit to make his point, but he never marred her skin with his hands. She can't even remember being spanked as a child.

"Did he hurt you?" Jax asked, the expression on his face one of concern and no doubt would turn directly to rage should she say yes. His hands touched her face as he looked into her eyes, hoping for the truth.

Tara shook her head and Jax's warm hands slid from her face. Her father never actually made contact, even at his angriest, it was more of his words that stung. Most days, she would just chalk up his rants to his alcohol-induced delusions. Except this time, she should have expected it. Of course he was angry. Unser made the obligatory phone call to her father about her recent arrest with Jackson "Jax" Teller, local bad ass. She certainly wasn't going home to a celebration for her recent antics.

Her father yelled that she was throwing her life away for a no good biker bum. Tara found that ironic, since she knew her father frequented that same biker's clubhouse when his usual bars refused him a drink. Pointing out that hypocrisy only got him even angrier. Her father warned her away from Jax and SAMCRO, that nothing good could come from riding on the back of his bike.

As she slumped on Jax's bed, she looked over to her seventeen year old boyfriend, his light blonde hair chin length, his brilliant blue eyes looking back at her. Jax was so concerned about her when she called him and asked him to pick her up after fighting with her dad. She knew deep down, it was wrong what Jax did with the club. Illegal activities and bouts of violence. It was even worse that she was with him all the time, not knowing what danger he was dragging her into. She didn't care either. Now, she had a record of arrest. Her father's words, however, didn't do much to deter her from loving Jax as much as it made her hate her father.

"He's just mad...about last night," she sighed. A bike ride that turned swiftly into a ride in the back of a police car.

Jax nodded. "That was my fucking fault. I shouldn't have been carrying that when I had you around."

Tara bit at her lip and then asked, "Probably not... so what was it?"

"You don't want to know," Jax shook his head. He turned his head and looked away from her. He looked as if he wanted to tell her but couldn't.

"Whose was it?" she pushed a little more. If she was going to be arrested for being in the possession of stolen items, she wanted to know what it was at least.

"You don't want to know that either," he gave her a knowing smirk.

Jax didn't talk much about what he did when it came to SAMCRO. Part of that was to protect her or so she thought. He wasn't going to tell her, so she was going to have to let what happened go. "So, are you banned from seeing me?"

"Supposedly," she shrugged, playfully looked over to him. "Yes. So this is my goodbye."

"This?" he chuckled and waved at the space between her and him, which wasn't much. "I deserve a better send off than that."

She put out her hand for a handshake. "Goodbye Jax Teller. It's been real. Stay cool, stay in school."

He bit his lip in that sultry way that usually gets her in trouble and grabbed her extended hand, pulling her towards him and his lips. He kissed her thoroughly, only stopping when they both needed air. He smiled against her lips and whispered, "I don't know Tara, something tells me you're not going anywhere."

Her head is pounding, and she wonders if she has a concussion.

She knows she has to end this. She has to end it, no if, ands, or fucking buts about it, and she will immediately. Tara isn't one to stay in such a bad situation; she would have tried her best to convince any woman she knew that they deserved better, and she know she does too. Trying as hard as she might, she can no longer excuse the red flags in this relationship- which there were many. Josh's weird obsessive behavior, overcompensating, and the big fucking fist across her face.

No.

She wouldn't be the girl who stays while a man beats the shit out of her. If he dares to try to get near her again, she'd do her best to extract his heart from his chest using her surgical scalpel.

She'd seen men hit women, when she was younger and around a different crowd. She'd been at the clubhouse, and Jax had to leave with Opie, to go do something for Clay. He promised he'd be right back, leaving Tara alone in his mother's presence. Gemma, Jax's overbearing mother, forced Tara to sit with her and Luann, another old lady, for what Tara guessed was a visual into what her life would be like one day. They were sitting in relatively awkward silence when Tara notice a commotion at the bar. A man at the bar slapped a woman with an open hand across the face. It shocked her, as everyone else around continued smoking their cigarettes and drinking their beers. The woman held her cheek, a sob escaping.

Tara had jumped up to intervene, when she heard Gemma say, "Sit your ass down and mind your own business."

Tara's mouth opened and shut, but she slowly sat back in her chair. "But...did you see what he did to her?"

Gemma took a drag of her cigarette and cut her eyes at Tara. "No I didn't. You didn't either. What were you going to do about it?"

"Stop him!"

Gemma sat forward, making eye contact with Tara. "From what? That's a part of life. You don't know what she did to deserve it, if she deserved a lesson. You don't get involved in their business, or any club business."

"No one deserves to get hit," Tara said defiantly much to Gemma's surprise.

Luann tried to intervene. "Relationships are complicated honey."

Gemma pointed her cigarette at Tara."You best remember that. There are lines that might get crossed. And sometimes, a slap is needed to define that line again."

Finding Tara thoroughly chastised, Gemma got up and walked to the kitchens. Luann tried a different approach.

"It'll get handled. Gemma just doesn't like anyone interfering in club business. Anyone but her that is. But, she'll tell Clay about that little situation and it'll get straightened out."

"Why was she defending it?"

"It's not always like that. Like I said, Gemma just doesn't want you involvin' yourself. But the hitting is a different story. There's some good guys and some bad guys. Women love all kinds of men, good and bad. The goal is to find a good one. Then he wouldn't hit you, wouldn't dream of it."

Tara took in the older woman's words. "Have...have you ever...?"

"Yeah," Luann stamped out her cigarette. "I have. Not Otto though. He would never hurt me. That's a good one. So is Jax."

Tara nodded. Jax would never hurt her. The only time his hands touched her face was to gently push a strand of hair out of her eyes. He would never hurt her, at least not that way. For all of Gemma's shit, something must have rubbed off on Jax to make him so gentle.

Tara took a deep breath before asking Luann, "Has Gemma ever...?"

"Honey, pretty much every woman has been hit at least once. It's life."

"I would never let-" Tara started but Luann reached out and touched her knee.

"Never say what you won't do."

Tara exhaled in disbelief. That type of thing might be for the club but it would never be normal for her. What made it even worse, was that it was another woman telling her that it was expected and could happen to her. She wondered how any woman would put up with such a thing. She never would.

The sting on her lip turns into a dull throb as she slowly looks in the mirror and sees her face. Fair skin bruised and punished, dark red blood dripping on her chin. She hates him. She hates what he did to her. Her eyes sting again, already swollen from her earlier cries of pain, but now she is crying because she is angry and scared. Tara Knowles doesn't do angry and scared. She pulled herself through too much shit to let this happen to her.

The few relationships she managed to have, no one ever touched her that way. Not that she had many to compare this situation too. She hadn't really dated much. The only real relationship she could even compare this to was so far on the other end of the spectrum. She never felt unsafe then, at least, not with Jax. No, Jax would never hurt her in such a manner. Talk about a prince charming in leather, Jax would have suffered a dire fate by his own hand if he had ever struck her. His touches burned but in a good way.

Tara would end this.

Joshua Kohn would regret ever meeting her.