Break on Through (To the Other Side)

Summary: It is no secret that Ward has always been his own worst enemy. Can he accept that he has followed the wrong man and made the wrong choices? After Hydra tries to cross him off in prison, Ward has to face his old team members again. He needs to decide if he truly wants a second chance, especially when it means to finally close the door to the past he had with Garrett.

Rating: T (for some swearing and to be on the safe side)

A/N: Some things first: I'm not a native English speaker and I probably made some mistakes on the way. Sorry. Then second I wanted to mention that the idea of Ward being attacked in prison by Hydra is not entirely my own idea. I read a fic a few days ago in which exactly the same thing happened and I liked this idea a lot. Don't worry, my story will unfold very differently after this initial similarity. Still, I wanted to ask the author for permission to use her idea, but I couldn't find the story anymore, so I guess it was deleted. Which is a shame, because I really liked it. So, if the author of that story reads this here by accident, I hope it'll be fine that I borrowed your idea.

Chapter 1

Coulson received the call at 9 o'clock in the morning when he was just about to leave his office on the Bus for a team meeting. For the last three months he had waited for a message from exactly this number, which was why he answered the phone quickly and with a small sigh of relief.

"Yes?"

"Director Coulson?", a female voice asked briskly. "This is Agent Johnson. I'm calling because of inmate 2-6-1-8."

"So, has he finally talked?"

"No, sir. He is just now being transferred to the hospital. He was shot twice and it's not looking good."

It took a second or two for this message to sink in and when it did, all Coulson could do was stutter, "What? How? By whom?"

"Another Hydra agent that was still lying low in our ranks", Johnson answered and even over the phone he could hear a note of contrition in her voice. "Luckily enough, this sleeper was working in administration and has only been used as an administrative force by Hydra. No field training and barely enough knowledge to handle a gun. He didn't know what he was doing and he obviously didn't finish the job. We could take him into custody without any resistance from his side."

Coulson took a moment to process this piece of information.

"How come the inmate didn't just disarm him and try to break out, if the assailant was as untrained as you say, Agent Johnson?"

"That's... another thing I'd like to discuss with you, sir", she replied slowly and carefully. "It would be best if you watched the feeds from the surveillance cameras yourself."

"Okay", Coulson replied and started to massage his neck with his free hand. He could practically feel the tension mount in the muscles of his back. Another setback for S.H.I.E.L.D., his team and their fight against Hydra. In the last few months he had watched the agency flail and come apart at the seams, but at least they had managed to break its fall a tiny little bit. His team was working day and night to make a difference, and they would have deserved to hear some good news for once. Though hearing that Ward was killed by his own people might be seen as a reason to celebrate for some of his team members...

Coulson sighed and began to palm his eyes, feeling the tension mount and resolving into a full-blown head-ache. He got a lot of those lately.

"How badly is he hurt?", he finally asked after a moment of silence.

"Two gunshot wounds, a through-and-through to the abdomen and a bullet lodged in his left leg", Johnson answered matter-of-factly. "Arterial bleeding in three places. He lost consciousness from blood loss even before we could get him out of his cell. As I mentioned, sir, it's not looking good."

"Alright", he replied. "I'll be with you at the prison in two hours. Until then, keep me informed if the inmate's condition has changed in any way."

"Yes, sir", he heard Johnson's acknowledgement before he hang up. Too many unanswered questions demanded that he went to inspect the site of the attempt for himself. He had kept tabs on Ward right from the beginning of his incarceration and since then had played everything concerning their former team member close to the chest. Nevertheless, he could not be at two places at the same time, so he picked up his phone again and began typing in a number.

"Agent Barton?", Coulson spoke. "I need a favor of you."

-x-x-x-x-x-

When Coulson came back from his meeting with Agent Johnson and the inspection of the high-security prison, his head-ache was so bad that he only longed to be back in his quiet office and throw back one or two aspirins that he kept in his drawer for exactly this reason. However, as usual, his team had other ideas. While Skye and Simmons only sent a few suspicious glances his way when he came back to the Bus and asked where he had been, May chose a more direct approach. She waited for him in front of his office door, her arms crossed.

"You're keeping something from us, Phil", she said quietly and made no move to budge from her place when he tried to squeeze by her to get into his office. "And I want to know what it is. I thought we're done hiding things from one another."

Coulson sighed and pondered a moment if he should pull rank on her, then had to tamp down on a slightly hysterical laugh, because he knew exactly that it would not work. Pulling rank, in his situation, with S.H.I.E.L.D. in a state of dissolution, on May of all people... Yes, he had definitely had better ideas before. Besides, she was like a bloodhound who sniffed his secrets and quickly turned into a pit-bull that would not let go until she had her answers. No chance she would just let this matter go.

"Come on in", he invited her in his office, defeated.

May followed him with a slightly smug expression on her face and sat down on the opposite side of his desk while Coulson swallowed two aspirins with a gulp of water and then pulled a file from his drawer.

"Ward was shot in his cell this morning", he began and was slightly impressed that her only reaction to this information was a slight lift of her left eyebrow. "He's still in surgery at the moment and the doctors don't know yet if he'll make it. His assailant was another Hydra sleeper lying low in administration."

May's eyes were as cold as they were before, but her lips twitched slightly when she said, "Didn't know Hydra has a sense of irony."

Even Coulson, who spent his fair share of hours cursing Ward for his betrayal, could not shake the beginnings of a shudder at May's words. Of course the team was angry and the three female agents on this plane seemed to have some sort of competition going on who hated Ward the most. The men were a bit more relaxed about it. Coulson himself had found his sentiments turning the day Fitz woke up, about three weeks ago. Somehow knowing that the young scientist would survive and – with a bit of luck – make a complete recovery had turned Coulson's disgust of Ward into something like curiosity for his case. That was why he had started studying Ward's file that was right now lying in front of him and he had also asked a skilled hacker – not Skye – to try and dig up some of the deleted parts. And he could not deny that he felt his compassion stir a tiny little bit after having read everything there was to read on his former specialist.

Instead of calling May out on her callousness, he just reached for the memory stick in the pocket of his coat, plugged it into the laptop on his desk and turned the screen towards her.

"This is the recording of the camera in Ward's cell", Coulson explained and then pressed play. He knew what the tape contained, he had watched it several times already on his way back. First the Hydra agent coming into the cell, pulling out the pistol and aiming it at Ward with a shaky hand, then Ward getting up slowly from his cot.

"What have you told them about Hydra?", the perpetrator asked in a quivering voice over the audio and although Coulson could not see the feed right now, he knew that the Hydra agent aimed in this moment right at Ward's head. For a long moment all that could be heard was the harsh breathing of the would-be-executioner. Nothing from Ward. He just stood there like a statue, hardly blinking.

"I'll kill you if you don't tell me right now!", the sleeper agent shouted nervously and Coulson remembered as clearly as if he could see the tape himself that he took a step closer to his victim. This was the moment Coulson started to scrutinize May for any signs of a reaction. She watched the feed with a detached calmness but he was rather sure he saw her draw in her breath a bit more forcefully as soon as the first shot rang out. Not long after that, the second shot. Ward falling to the ground. The Hydra agent could not bring himself to shoot a third time, probably taking the blood gushing from Ward's body as a sign that his mission was accomplished. Then the guards rushed in. The would-be-executioner was led away, some of the guards calling for help und pressing down on Ward's wounds. Then the feed ended.

Coulson closed the laptop with a snap and let the silence in the office stretch. It was a long moment before May finally started talking, "Ward never told us anything about Hydra. I know you did more than just ask nicely, but he still remained silent. And he could have easily disarmed his aggressor, it's the basics that are taught even before reaching Level 1." It took another minute until May asked him, "Why didn't he defend himself?"

A small sad smile crept on Coulson's lips while he shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Your guess is as good as mine, Melinda. It looks like Ward didn't want to."

May narrowed her eyes at him as if all of this mess had been his own fault.

"You're implying that he's suicidal?", she questioned harshly. "Don't tell me you are thinking about blaming it all on some psychological issues! It's just another ruse and another game he's playing." When Coulson lifted his hands in a placating gesture, May continued, unfazed, "Damn it, Phil, I know you and I know that sentimental look in your eyes! You love to give people second chances but we're not in the same position as we've been a few months ago. We need every help we can get for ourselves!"

"This is you talking, not me", he replied and held up his hands in defense. "I never suggested any of these things. You asked me what was up, I told you."

"But you're also not claiming that my assumptions are wrong and I just know you're thinking about exactly the things I just said", May answered with an aggravated sigh that made Coulson bite his lips to keep the fond smile off his face. The next thought, however, brought him back to seriousness.

"What I'm thinking is that maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. hasn't done everything it could have done when it comes to Ward", he finally admitted and continued quickly when May opened her mouth to object. "I'm not saying he's forgiven for his crimes, because he isn't. But if the agency had seen in him more a human being than just a tool, maybe all of this could've been prevented."

"Garrett had him much longer than we thought and he has used him as a tool all the time", May challenged. "And Ward didn't seem to complain."

"Yes, Garrett has used him, but he at least took the time to make Ward think he cared", Coulson replied forcefully. "That's more than S.H.I.E.L.D. did."

"No, Phil, that's less than S.H.I.E.L.D. did", she objected, now getting loud herself. "At least S.H.I.E.L.D. didn't lie to him."

"Oh, S.H.I.E.L.D. lied to him all the time", he countered. "You already forgot his and Fitz' mission to South Ossetia? S.H.I.E.L.D. would have given them up like that."

"It doesn't matter!", May finally exploded. "He's a traitor and he deserves to rot in prison for the rest of his live! I get that he had a bad childhood, but so have we! Look at Skye, growing up in an orphanage, or at Fitz, never getting to know his dad. Hell, even look at yourself or me! None of us has had it easy, but we're still standing on the good side!"

"Are we?", Coulson asked back, unruffled by her outburst. "Because I had him tortured in the first few weeks. I'm not sure the good side reverts to torture when they're..."

The ringing of his phone interrupted him and he just needed one look to confirm it came from the hospital. One moment he played with the thought of sending May out of his office, but then decided it did not matter anymore.

"Coulson", he answered the phone.

"Your patient has made it out of surgery alive", Barton's voice informed him neutrally and without any greeting. "The doctors say they got the bleeding under control and that he's stable. Can I now get out of here? I hate hospitals."

"No, not yet", Coulson replied, feeling relief flood through him. "Stay with him and don't leave his side. I'll send someone to relieve you tomorrow morning, but he better stay alive until then. When they can get to him in prison, they can easily get to him in the hospital."

"Okay", Barton replied with a sigh of annoyance. "You're the boss." Then he hang up.

Coulson turned to May with a small smile.

"He's alive."

"I gathered as much", she replied with a roll of her eyes before leaving his office.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

When Ward slowly came to, the first thing he noticed was the pounding pain in his left side and the nausea that had him reeling. Even in his state of confusion he recognized it as the after effect of surgery and anesthesia. Yeah, he had been in this situation before, more times than he could count. Opening his eyes was a struggle since his eyelids felt leaden and fell shut again every time he managed to pry them open. He tried to lift his right hand to rub the tiredness and gritty itch from his eyes, but his arm would not move from its position. Everything was blurry and he struggled to focus on his arm when he noticed a dark-clad figure shifting at his bedside. Squinting and blinking at it, he tried to make out who it was.

Skye? Coulson? Had one of their missions gone wrong? Did the team get him out in the last minute? God, if only the pain beating rhythmically against his side would abate for a minute, he was sure he would be able to remember what had happened. As it was, the throbbing only made his nausea worse and he could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"You awake?", the blurry figure asked in a male voice that was faintly familiar. But definitely not Skye. And not Coulson either. "I know it's almost impossible, but I'm sure you turned even paler in the last minute."

When Ward did not answer (well, if you do not count the almost inaudible groan that passed his lips), his bedside guardian got up and pressed a button right above Ward's head. The man had to lean in for that and Ward caught a short, clear view of the other's face. Clint Barton? What the hell was Clint Barton doing here? It was either the meds or his injuries playing tricks on his mind, it had to be.

The thought was driven from his mind when a whole armada of nurses and doctors swarmed in, who prodded every part of his body and pricked him with needles. As uncomfortable as it was, he really started feeling better by the time they were leaving. Not just slightly better but an amazingly good deal better. Morphine-high better. He could feel the drug course through his veins and a cozy tiredness settle in his limbs.

"Good thing S.H.I.E.L.D. treats its traitors no different than their own agents, isn't it?", Barton spoke again, sarcastically. "I don't think you'd get the same treatment from Hydra right now. More like a bullet between the eyes, if they'd feel merciful."

The recollection of the past few months fell into Ward's mind like the fall of a hammer. His gaze wandered back to his right arm where he was hand-cuffed to the bed railing. This explained why he was unable to move his hand earlier. He also suddenly remembered the attack in his cell and the feeling of coldness crawling into his bones at the same time as his blood rushed out of him. Still, it had been rather peaceful and quite fitting, he thought. A shitty end to a miserable life. But of course S.H.I.E.L.D. had to ruin even that for him.

"Seriously, I don't get you, Ward", Barton continued and moved his chair a bit closer to his bedside. "You refuse to give us even a scrap of information and you were never any use to us. But even now, after everything you've done, S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't let you down, even though you don't deserve it. We're still trying to help you, can't you see that?"

Maybe it was just the morphine in his system, but Ward had a hard time to bite back a scoff. It had not been S.H.I.E.L.D. that pulled his ass out of a desperate situation when he had needed it the most. It had not been S.H.I.E.L.D. that nursed him back to health when he took a bullet to the stomach in his first year as a specialist and could not keep anything down for weeks. Neither had it been S.H.I.E.L.D. that took him home after a bad day and an even worse drinking spree, so he would not pass out on the icy pavement and freeze to death. It had all been John Garrett.

"Nothing to say, have you?", Barton asked again, almost disgustedly.

After a long moment, Ward answered quietly, in a voice that was both weak and rough, "What... what do you want me to say? 'Thanks, S.H.I.E.L.D., for the waterboarding'?"

Barton scoffed at that, then got up to pace the small room.

"Good one, really", he said, giving him a tight smile, while his eyes flashed dangerously. "I've heard that you have no sense of humor, but maybe that was part of your cover as well. How dare you make any snide comments about S.H.I.E.L.D.'s treatment of you after knowing what Hydra does to our people? Besides, it's not like you haven't used any truth-enforcing measures yourself."

"Only for S.H.I.E.L.D.", Ward replied tiredly. He could feel his eyelids grow heavy and he knew he would be asleep in another minute or two. Good, at least this way this conversation would be over soon. On the other hand, it looked like he had succeeded in riling up Barton.

"You piece of shit should be grateful to have Coulson's protection, because he's the only reason my arrows aren't right now decorating your ass. I know a thing or two about second chances but you sure as hell don't deserve one! You can't even see that you messed up, big time", Barton spat and got right into his face.

The need to sleep was so strong now that Ward was unable to do more than blink tiredly and force his lips into a small smirk. As if an angry Barton could scare him. They should know by now that he was long past the point of being scared by anything they threw his way.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ward drifted in and out of consciousness for the next few hours without grasping his surroundings with the same clarity he had when he first woke up. The painkillers took him on a ride of their own, both dampening the agony of his body and making him wake from strange dreams with a start. Nurses and doctors came and went without any of his saying. From a few snippets of conversation he gathered that one of the bullets had ruptured his spleen and that they had to remove it so he would not bleed to death. Some kind of artery was damaged as well, but he was too out of it to make complete sense of what the doctors were saying.

What he could not shake off was the awareness of Barton's presence. Though the agent remained silent the whole time, Ward could feel the other's eyes following his every small movement. Like a hawk. Ha, he could feel his lips curling at his own pun and blamed the morphine for it. That was one of the reasons why he usually refused stronger pain meds, they tended to make him loopy. But he was definitely past the point of caring about his reputation.

He was woken from a light sleep by the opening of the door. Since he knew that Barton was still with him, he gathered that it was one of the nurses again and was already halfway back to dreamland, when a new voice roused him a bit more.

"Is he sleeping?", the newly arrived asked and Ward could clearly recognize the voice as Trip's, though he kept his eyes closed in a pretense of sleep.

"Yeah, he's been sleeping like a baby for the last few hours", Barton answered. "And good thing, too, because I'm really not in the mood to put up with his crap again." Then after a moment he added grouchily, "Coulson promised to send someone to relieve my by seven, it's past nine now. Where the hell have you been?"

"Look, man, I'm here now. I couldn't make it any sooner", Trip replied, sounding defensive.

"Well, then tell Coulson he owes me a favor now", Barton answered coolly and since Ward could hear the door open and close again after a short moment, he guessed that the agent had left the room.

"I know he's Hawkeye and all that shit, but he's really full of himself", Trip commented quietly and Ward could almost picture the other man shaking his head to himself. Then after a moment, "You're not really asleep, are you?"

Ward knew better than to respond to that and kept his eyes shut and his breathing even. Riling up Barton was one thing, but talking to someone who had been working with Coulson's team for the last few months was another.

"Alright, then I'll do all the talking and you'll just have to listen", Trip continued cheerfully. "That beard really suits you, man, I wouldn't have thought that you could pull it off, but it looks alright. Makes you look more the part of the villain than clean-shaven. Bit of a bad boy look."

For a tiny moment, Ward felt the urge to roll his eyes, just as he had done so many times at one of Fitzsimmons' or Skye's antics. It pulled him back to another life that seemed light years away from his existence right now. If he concentrated very hard, he could almost make himself believe that any moment now, Fitz would walk in and slap him on the shoulder. Or Skye would challenge him for another game of battleship. He was surprised how much it hurt, to know that something like that would never happen again. Skye... no, he knew he shouldn't go there, hadn't allowed himself to even think about her for a long time...

The next moment he was already cursing himself and the morphine for his sentimentality. It was exactly weaknesses like that that got him into this mess in the first place. None of this would have happened if he had kept his head in the game. John would still be alive, too.

"They never talk about you back on the Bus, you know", the agent went on and by the squeaking of the chair Ward could tell that the other was getting comfortable. "They are really pissed at you. Maybe Coulson not as much as the others. But Coulson read your file and some other things about you, too. He let me read them as well, because I wanted to know more about how Garrett worked."

Ward was unsure what to do with this piece of information. He was definitely uncomfortable with someone else prying into parts of his life that he had painstakingly tried to shut away from himself and the rest of the world.

"I don't think you're all bad", Trip said after a short pause. "If you'd only see how twisted Garrett was and how you were just a pawn in his game, I think you could still do some good. But this would mean that you'd need to start talking, man. How can you still protect the ones that tried to kill you?"

Slowly but surely, Ward got fed up with this bullshit. Did Coulson really think that he could just send his newest pet project-gone-psychologist and he would spill the beans? He should not be surprised that S.H.I.E.L.D. tried to get to him when he was weakened and drugged, but this was low, even for them.

"Just shut up, Trip", he murmured without opening his eyes and instantly realized that it had been a mistake to speak at all. They were trying to get a reaction out of him, any reaction, and he had given them exactly what they wanted. Stupid. It had been John who had told him to forego any strong painkillers and it was not just because they made Ward loopy. They made him stupid and weak, too.

"I just knew you were awake", Trip replied, almost gleefully. "Look, I'll be sitting on my ass for the next twenty-four hours to save your ass, so we can as well talk a bit. Get to know each other better and stuff."

"Not interested", Ward answered hoarsely and, despite his better judgment, finally opened his eyes to look at Trip. "Neither in getting to know you nor being saved by you."

"That's a pity", the agent said, almost amicably, but with an underlying steeliness to his voice. "Since we're almost related, with Garrett being kind of our step daddy and all that. Well, he was always more your step daddy than mine, I guess."

"You can blabber on all you want", Ward replied laboriously, the short spurt of anger already leaving him exhausted. "But tell Coulson I won't talk."

"He'll be disappointed to hear it", Trip said with a shake of his head. "I don't think he's given up on you completely. Maybe if you'd just..."

Ward had already closed his eyes again and began to tune out the agent's voice. It was not long before sleep and oblivion took him again.

-tbc-