Because...I needed to! I've been planning this for quite a while. Me and my friend Spiritus Rex often roleplay chat as Arthur and Merlin, respectively, and we really get into character eheh So, this is a fic in which I will be writing up our insane happenings from past and future stuff! :D Because of this, I'll update fairly sporadically while I work on updating more important things ((cough cough -Avenger'd- cough cough))

This takes place in the same AUish thing as my oneshot Home ((I woulda added it into this but nah its already its own thing)) and this takes place AFTER the events of that oneshot. And this is also in "season four-ish" due to mention of Agravaine.

This chapter includes some Protective!Arthur feels and a heck ton of friendship feels! So brace yourselves! :D And enjoy, and pleASE don't forget to review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, but we do "own" (most) of these words teehee!

A Pair of Royal Dorks

Chapter One: Drunk

It was late in the evening, and King Arthur was getting rather tired. He had just finished up some truly boring paperwork and was ready to retire for the night. The only thing was that Merlin was nowhere to be found, irritating the young King of Camelot.

Where is that idiot? Arthur thought, suppressing the urge to pace. As if on cue, his large wooden door creaked open and said manservant practically slid into the room.

"I have returned!" Merlin announced, turning to face Arthur with a wide grin. "I have RISEN!" Arthur smirked, shaking his head.

"That's very nice for you Merlin," Arthur crossed his arms, glancing at the servant, who responded to the retort with unintelligible mumbles. The King gave a slight gesture with his head towards his armor. "Now if you would please, I mean my armor isn't going to polish itself you know." Merlin sniffed and wrinkled his nose up in slight disdain.

"Y'know I think I'll go back to wherever I came from," Merlin replied sluggishly, turning slowly towards the door. The blond narrowed his eyes at his dark-haired servant.

"Merlin, are you drunk?" Arthur inquired pointedly. Merlin froze before reaching the door, not turning back to Arthur.

"What- pfft no," Merlin quickly denied. The King wasn't very convinced.

"Hmm…you better not be," he responded, blue eyes still narrowed in suspicion. The young warlock scoffed, partly turning to Arthur.

"Do I look like Gwaine to you? Now if I was Gwaine, there'd be a very high chance I was drunk," Merlin stated matter-of-factly. "But since I'm not Gwaine, there is a low chance. A very low chance, sire." Arthur chuckled.

"Still a chance though Merlin," Arthur pointed out with a leering grin. Merlin grumbled.

"Well I can't be not drunk 100% of the time," the manservant protested. "Where's the fun in that?"

"So you're admitting you are then?" Arthur smirked.

"What- right now? Noooo I'm not drunk right now," Merlin refuted, slurring just a bit. "But I've never not been drunk right now- yes." Arthur rolled his eyes.

"You're totally drunk Merlin," the King deadpanned. "Did Gwaine take you out again?"

"You have no proof!" Merlin cried out. "nO pROOF!" Arthur suppressed laughing at his manservant's feeble attempts of denial.

"You know you'll get drunk from a whiff of a barmaid's apron, Merlin," Arthur reminded him, raising his eyebrow. Merlin shrugged lazily.

"Eh yeah that's prolly true," he slurred. Arthur frowned disdainfully.

"Merlin, you can't very well do you job drunk," he remarked, shaking his head. "And I will not have you vomit everywhere."

"Does that mean you'll give me the night off then?" the young inebriated warlock asked hopefully. Arthur gave him a firm look.

"I'll give you to Gaius," he decided. "And I'll let him know." The blond made his way over to the door and pushed it open before Merlin scrambled to get in front of him.

"Nnooononooo," he spluttered. "Shh, don't let Gaius know! He'll gimme the eyebrow then talk to me when I'm hungover about very serious things!" Arthur shook his head.

"Merlin, he'll know anyway as soon as you walk in the door," the King pointed out. "It's not like you of all people can hide being drunk." Merlin pouted, crossing his arms indignantly.

"I could try- I hide plenty of other things," Merlin grumbled, before realizing what he said. "Oop-!" But it was too late, for Arthur had already caught onto his servant's words, giving a rather large leering smirk.

"Oh? Like what?" he inquired with a dangerous casualness to his voice. "Please enlighten me, Merlin." The dark-haired young man scrambled for words in his fogged up brain, mouth occasionally gaping not unlike a fish.

"Uh- like…your laundry! Yeah. I really didn't do it today," Merlin settled on smoothly, leaning against the wall. "Gave it to some of the nice laundry ladies." Arthur let out an irritated snort, clenching his fists in attempt to keep from grabbing Merlin's shoulder.

"Oh of course, why am I not surprised? You've been very lazy recently," Arthur said with narrowed eyes. Merlin shrugged again.

"Y'know- I'm startin to think that listenin to Gwaine is not a good thing," he remarked. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Really? What gave you that idea?" he inquired, his voice practically dripping with sarcasm.

"Just a hunch- wait, you agree with me," Merlin stumbled over his words. "Yep." Arthur shook his head, a smirk on his face.

"Well he's your friend Merlin you should know more than anyone," Arthur replied. Merlin blinked slowly.

"Huh- friend. I really- huhhh-" Merlin forced out, wavering in both speech and stance. "Y'know I think I should just go off to sleep now." The young warlock nodded very forcefully and nearly tipped over past Arthur into the hallway, but the blond caught his arm and helped him stand, shaking his head.

"You bloody idiot," he hissed with concern, holding tight onto his servant. Merlin barely looked up at him with slightly foggy blue eyes.

"Ah, so when I get drunk I'm an idiot but when I don't clean my room I'm a friend," Merlin mumbled slowly as Arthur helped him walk. "Tsk tsk sire- double standards do not a good king make."

"Shut up, Merlin," the King huffed. "You should try to breathe normally and concentrate on staying awake. You don't want to pass out before you get to Gaius." Merlin shook his head confusedly.

"Aren't I breathing normally? I thought I was."

"It's slower and more labored Merlin, you can't tell because you're drunk," Arthur replied simply. Merlin nodded slowly.

"Ahh, and I suppose you can tell? Because you're…not drunk?" Merlin squinted, before getting an idea. "Maybe I've been poisoned again! That's it." Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Yes Merlin. It's because I've had to take care of plenty of drunken knights in my time. And you're not poisoned."

"This is the end of the loyal Merlin," the servant prattled. "Dead before even getting a thank you." Arthur sighed heavily, still half-dragging the drunken warlock down the hall. "I wonder if Gwaine got poisoned too. We should check on him."

"He'll be fine," Arthur assured. "I already sent Leon to take care of him."

"That's good," Merlin yawned. "…y'know Arthur, I think I might be a little drunk after all." The King nodded simply.

"Oh really?" he inquired in a tone as if their previous argument over his servant's obvious inebriation had not occurred. Merlin nodded. Arthur did the same. "Right then, I should get you to Gaius. He'll make sure you don't end up too sick. I do need my servant after all." Merlin looked very pale.

"Gaius is gonna kill me for sure this time," he moaned sickly. "For sure." Arthur patted Merlin's shoulder reassuringly.

"Well, I'll remind him that I need you."

"That'll help. Thank you sire." Arthur nodded firmly. Merlin nodded with him- almost tipping again.

"Aah, careful there," Arthur warned, steadying his friend from falling over. "You're clumsy enough normally. If I wasn't here you'd be getting a concussion already."

"That's probably true," Merlin agreed slowly. "Probably."

The two of them went along down the hallway slowly, Arthur leading his servant not too fast. It was quiet for a while before the King of Camelot spoke up again.

"Merlin…I…do appreciate your loyalty," the Once and Future King admitted. "You have been a more loyal friend than anyone. And I thank you for that." Merlin hummed contemplatively.

"You're really thanking me?" he asked. "That's weird- who're you and what've you done with Arthur?" The blond said nothing in reply. "Never get any thanks 'cept from dead people y'know. And Gaius. Maybe Gwen. Huh."

It was silent for another moment.

"I know you don't like my uncle too much Merlin, you disagree with him a lot…but I do appreciate your council as well as his," Arthur spoke honestly, glancing to his dark-haired servant, and friend. "You've stayed by my side through everything and it has meant a lot." Merlin snorted.

"Don't like 'im, that's an understatement," Merlin chortled, before pausing. "…I'll always stay with you though, even if you don't listen to me y'know. Gonna die by your side you big clotpote- plotcole- clotpole! There we go." Arthur nodded, before smirking.

"You know you shouldn't call the King of Camelot a clotpole."

"Ne'er stopped me before."

Arthur shrugged, which Merlin mirrored, causing Arthur to chuckle. The warlock mirrored this action as well.

"But I am not only the King, I am your friend," Arthur reminded, and Merlin only grinned.

"Well, I suppose so."

The two of them continued to walk together, silently, until finally they reached Gaius's chambers. Arthur knocked on the door, and within moments, the elderly physician was there, glancing with a shocked expression from the King to the now-somewhat-unconscious ward of his.

"Take care of him, will you?" Arthur requested with a large childlike expression of worry on his face. "It's Gwaine's doing." With that, Gaius nodded seriously and gently took (pried) Merlin from Arthur's hands.

"Of course, sire," Gaius assured, turning away before Arthur reached out and grabbed Gaius's shirt.

"Go easy on him, will you? When he recovers, I mean. I do need my servant after all," Arthur added, pulling his hand away, and looking a bit sheepish. Gaius smiled knowingly.

"Don't worry Arthur. Merlin will be fine in the morning." Arthur nodded, relieved. Gaius nodded, and turned away.

"Goodnight, Gaius."

"Goodnight."

Arthur paused.

"Goodnight Merlin."

"hhngngnn-" was his response, and the King smiled.

What an idiot.