AN: I'm sorry this seem so angsty. bear with me that this is my first angsty story. if you dissatisfied with it, don't read or don't leave inappropriate comments. I am in the process of finishing my other fanfics and please bear with me.

Beta-ed by DolbyDigital and I don't own Matsuri Hino's Vampire Knight, only the plot.

I never would have thought that she would be happy without me – without my presence beside her – but I would only bring her more misfortune if I still stayed with her. I wanted her to be happy. She was so innocent that I was not willing to taint her with my being. Whenever I saw her, I would ask myself, can I make her happy? Can I make others happy?

I worked to achieve coexistence because I want her live in the world that both my late parents and Cross Kaien hoped to bring about. Our parents always an avid supporter of peace and they wanted both races to live in coexistence. They wanted not only Yuuki, but other children to live in peace so that the Great War does not happen again.

We were engaged to be married, but my heart could not be with her in that sense. I couldn't imagine myself as her husband no matter how much I tried. I could only view her as my younger sister.

Wherever I saw couples in my inner circle – especially my cousin Senri and Takuma – I wanted someone to care for me like that; to be friends with and to be loved by. I envied them. My position and my very being prevented me from seeking others, to know and meet with others; from meeting and getting to know people. I have to put on a facade, make them believe I am emotionless because I know they will manipulate me for their own agenda simply because I am a pureblood. Every day I busy myself with council matters and close myself off from those around me. I have to.

But he treats me differently – treats me as the very being that I am; the same as the creature that killed his parents; the monster that he hates above all else. He intrigued me more than anyone I had ever met – because he denies me; hates me; wants to kill me – and he was one of the school prefects: Kiryuu Zero. I would have liked it if we could have been friends, but the events of his past made that impossible. But – for reasons unknown to me – being hated by him broke my heart. It only served to strengthen my resolve; to increase my desires to become human. Immortality had become a curse. I wish to be human.

I wanted him to acknowledge me; by this point I would take anything. I have offered him what others have referred to as 'precious blood' – that of a pureblood – knowing that it would wound his pride to accept such a thing. Knowing that my blood would only serve to make him stronger; be it his hunter powers or his vampiric strengths. I led myself as an antagonist to him; I insulted him; pretended to hate him; I did anything I could to increase his anger towards me. I offered him an exchange: if he were to protect my sister – become her knight; putting her needs before even his own – then I would leave them both, and they would never have to hear from me again. I wanted nothing more than for them to be happy. They seemed lovely together; whenever he was with her his ever-present scowl would diminish. But still my heart aches. I can't stand the thought of Yuuki being with him, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm becoming a masochist.

But every day I anticipate seeing him – am even excited by the prospect. During the changeover, my eyes always follow him. I had to keep it from him – it didn't matter that he was always acutely aware of his surroundings; I had to be better – but one day I slipped up; he caught me looking, and before I could react he had his gun pointed straight at me.

"What the hell Kuran!" He hissed.

My heart froze but I managed to keep my emotions hidden; covering them instead with the venom in my words.

"I'm just trying to see whether you are not going into a rampage. It's been two weeks already." I answered.

It saddened me to see the emotions flickering through his eyes; from hate to disgust to anger. I had made him like this. I had offered him everything I had in me, but I knew that he would reject my heart and feelings. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to look at his expression, knowing I was the one who had caused it. I had upset him; reminded him more of his condition; proved myself to be no better than the one who was the cause for his pain: no better than Shizuka.

That night he came into my private rooms, cornering me in the bathroom, wanting answers. Wanting to know why I couldn't give Yuuki what she wanted; wanting to know why I couldn't tell Yuuki of her true origins. I offered him my blood – knowing that he needed it and hoping to distract him; knowing that he would have to accept, albeit reluctantly – but even I could not predict how far he was willing to go that night.

"Please, Zero! Enough! You don't want to do this," I begged, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.

"Zero!" I cried. "Please!"

"You deserve this. I bet you are not really virgin in this, are you?" purred Zero.

Zero had succumbed to the blood lust, and his beast came forth. He would regret this – Kaname was sure of it – he would regret it and he would hate himself; he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Zero would kill himself if he knew what he'd done during this momentary lapse of control. I'm glad he had taken my blood, because if he hadn't... I would not risk inflicting this upon Yuuki. I would willingly become a substitute, knowing that Yuuki would be very unlikely to survive this; knowing that if she did survive this then the consequences for her would be far greater. 'For Yuuki.. For her... For Zero… I deserve this...' I kept repeating on to myself. I cried for hours because of agony and sadness. If his happiness is my misery, then I'm glad I deserved this.

"Ahh!" I moaned.

I'm bleeding, my entrance torn due to his brutal penetration and also due to the fact that he was forcing his gun barrel to stretch me wide before. I was losing too much blood; Zero drinks too much. Every part of my body he bites – be it on my neck, my left thigh, right wrist, and even both of my nipples he draws from. His saliva's property also give about as to why I'm slowly heals. It rendered my healing ability on these parts. I'm ashamed of myself, because some part of me enjoyed on what he did. I know he wanted to vent all of his frustration and anger on me and I'm just glad it was not Yuuki.

"You always treat me as if I'm just some dirt. You see me as if I'm beneath you and I don't like it. You are the same as her! Treating humans like livestock. I. Hate. Your. Guts."

He punctuated every word and those words were venom to me. I couldn't hold back my tears because everything he said hurts me. He made me beg for release because he put a hunter charm on my length, denying my orgasm.

"Beg for it! If not, I will keep pounding you until you die." He commanded.

"Zero… Let…me…cum," I panted harshly between words; I nearly lost consciousness.

"Please…"

"Since you beg this nicely, I will grant you release." He purred.

I cried loudly when he lifted his spell and I came harshly and blacked out soon after. I don't know where he went before I regained consciousness. The bathroom was damaged because of our activities and I couldn't attend class for a week as I was still healing.

The night class didn't know anything except that my blood had been drawn. Only Takuma knew about my condition because he saw me lying in the foetal position on the bathroom floor, naked. I couldn't walk, and needed lots of blood tablets. I smashed dozens of tablet and nearly drained Takuma. In the end I forbid him from entering my bedroom. I commanded him not to tell the others about my condition and let the others know that I was outstationed for two weeks. Yuuki even asked him why I was absent. I don't know if Zero knew what he did but he knew my presence on the academy ground. He later came from my balcony and started questioning my behavior. He seemed upset that I was worrying Yuuki. I flinched when his voice suddenly become higher. I whimpered instinctively because of the trauma of what he did the last week. I managed not to show much of my weakness and asked him to leave. He didn't say much and left after.

I wanted someone to love me and be friends with me. It was shattered the moment my parents died, leaving me in the care of Asato Ichijou. I hate him, he wanted only my blood. I managed to escape from him. But fate toyed with me. In the end no one seems to care about me. I wanted to become human so badly but it seems I couldn't achieve it because I'm pregnant, with Zero's baby. I never thought it was possible with a Level D. I didn't know about it until the morning sickness made itself known two months after that night. I hid my condition from others, even from Seiren. I just couldn't abort it, partly because the baby was innocent in all of this but mostly because it's was Zero's. I still don't know why I care so deeply about him even though he raped me. I should resent him for doing this to me. He should be dead, but no, I couldn't hate him. I couldn't overcome my fear about this. I always avoid our gaze during change over. Every single day I stared in front of the mirror, the slight bump always visible. It could only be seen by a vampire's eyes, with their more accurate vision. I smiled.

I was only at fifteen weeks when Takuma caught me in the act. I was caressing my stomach when he came inside unannounced. He was the only one come in and out of my rooms freely. He was shocked; first because I'd hidden it from others, second because I'd hidden it for so long enough without others noticing, third because it was Zero's and last because I kept it. I asked him; no, I forbid him from telling anyone; especially Zero and Yuuki. I didn't want them to know of my child's existence because it would only make them suffer. I don't want to snatch away their happiness just because I'm pregnant and Zero would likely to kill it. I already attached to the baby; he or she is part of my life, a miracle that I cherish most and is the best thing in my life.

As my pregnancy progressed further, I ran away from the academy and out of Japan. I couldn't let the council knew about her existence. Yes, I'm expecting a daughter. I knew it was a girl when I was twenty-eight weeks that is when her aura began to develop. She is a strong vampire. I would know her heritage once I gave birth to her. I ran away from both hunters and vampire council who would try to find me. I temporarily sealed my vampire powers and disguised myself as a human woman; I let my hair grow to my waist. I couldn't let myself to be known to others and thus settle our self into human settlement. I managed to bring enough blood tablets to support me during my pregnancy.

My water broke in the middle of summer, when I was running away from a couple of hunters. I managed to arrive at a local hospital, in suburban area of America. I barely managed to hypnotize those who helped me during birth. I couldn't let them know my gender; no male on Earth can get pregnant except for borne vampires and humans didn't know yet about our existence. They changed my clothes, put me in a hospital gown and then placed my legs in the stirrups. The contractions kept assaulting me every few minutes. I cried in agony, the pain was unbearable, only increasing in intensity. I screamed until my voice was hoarse, crying for him.

"Zeroo!" I screamed through every contraction. 'Please let her be safe...'

I pushed her out, she was stretching me wide. When she was crowning, it burned. I hissed, I thought I knew pain very well, but it seems I was wrong, it was like I was being torn apart from the inside. The doctor said she was big and I endured it for twenty-three hours total. When she was safely out from her squishy home, she wailed. I just stunned, she was safe and here in my embrace. I was the happiest person on Earth. She was so beautiful, resembling Zero in every aspect except for her eyes. She had the famous Kuran eyes, the rosewood color. The moment she was out from me, I knew immediately she was a pureblood. I just cried when I'm thinking about her possible future. Her existence is like a shining light in my dark life. This moment seemed like an eternity, when the doctor asked me if I wanted to cut her umbilical cord. I nodded and cut her cord, both of us being cleaned and was put in a maternity room. I cradled her; I couldn't take my eyes from her. She was perfect. I named her Shirohana, my little white flower. I'm really happy because I'm no longer alone, I have somebody that I love most and I will protect her with my very life.

Eight years passed, both of us now live in a village with a high density of human population in France. The vampire's existence was made known during that time and most of the vampire senate and purebloods were killed. The humans urged the hunters to kill them all. I busied myself thinking about my daughter. I heard Yuuki became a successful hunter and married someone. I don't know who but it seems that she was happy. I bet it must be Zero since she had crush on him. I only hope that both of them reach happiness, especially Zero. I have come to terms that I love him even though the thing he did was unforgivable. The hunters are only targeting purebloods and we had to move from town to town. Both of us wear disguises, I appear as if I was a human woman and put Hana on contact lenses. I dyed her hair with a special dye, not many had silver hair like her.

"Mama, I'm hungry. Can we buy curry bread at that patisserie?" She asked.

She inherited my intelligence and she always understood my intentions. She knew she has vampiric abilities and I wouldn't let her use them. I sealed all her vampiric powers a few days after she was born. She also knew her father, I told her about him. She had a human aura and possessed strong hunter's power. Kiryuu's bloodline was passed on to her. I trained her with knives and pistols. I want her to be able to defend herself when I'm gone. I want her to live a human life and it's my greatest wish to see her happy. It seems not only is she good with knives, she's also like her father, excellent in using a pistol.

I was shocked when I was found by him and Yagari-sensei. They thought I kidnapped Hana and separated us. I tried to cry out but I couldn't. I cannot expose her true origin. She just stayed quiet. I asked her not to call me anything that would relate us. I had asked her to do that if we ever found out by vampires or hunters. I hoped Yagari would send her to Kaien. My child's safety is my main priority; I couldn't care less about myself.

"Long time not seeing you, Kuran. Alive and well. Why did you run away?" He asked.

I was just quiet, I had nothing to say.

"Nothing to say, huh?" He said and then grabbed my hair and slammed me on into the wall. I was being held in one of the hunter's dungeon. Everyday Zero would come to see me and try to get some information on Shizuka Hio.

"Just kill me already!" I hissed.

He triggers the safety locks on his pistol. I'm ready to leave her in this world if he kills me; she can take care of herself if she continues to live the life that I had given to her. I only hope for her safety and her wellbeing.

Nothing happened. He then threw his pistol aside and lunged forward.

"I bet the only answer I can get is through your body." He purred.

I immediately knew what he wanted and that was what I feared most.

He raped me over and over. It seems that he is still in anguish. His hatred toward purebloods didn't dissipate at all. I hope that raping me, plundered me over and over would make his anguish, sadness and frustration become less. I just wanted him to be happy. My priority would be him and my daughter. Make them happy even it cost me my body, my happiness. Each day he would come and have sex with me, he sometimes treated me gently. It depended on his mood. I ached for him, the sex was the only thing that connected us, and even it was one-sided and brutal. I did it only for him, my heart would always be with him and my misery would be his happiness. He always gave me some blood tablets for me to drink. He didn't want me to die yet. I became his sex doll for him to vent out his negative feelings.

The last thing I wanted was to become pregnant again. I just don't want him to know about it, but with the hunter's chain that tied on my right hand, I couldn't escape. Fortunately for me, he had a mission that lasted for months. I just hope that I can escape during that time. But luck wasn't on my side. He comes back during my fifth month into pregnancy and worst, its twins. The bulge was bigger than my previous and it was much more noticeable. I couldn't hide it. He came forward and unbuckled his trousers. He draws out his belt and ready to whip me.

"Please.. Don't hurt me.." I plead.

I was broken, like a soulless doll. My pride shattered from the day he raped me in the bathroom. I became more reserved.

"Please, don't hurt us..." I whispered. It seems that he picked up on what I said.

"Us?" He questioned.

I sat, hiding the bulge and suddenly he came forward, slamming me into the wall and pinned both my hands above my head. The impact was not hard but I prayed for the safety of my children. They were also my anchor to stay sane besides Zero's happiness and Hana's safety. He was shocked to see my condition and he immediately released both my hand, the bulge was prominent and I immediately covered my stomach from his gaze.

"How…?" He frowned quizzically. He was quiet for a while until a realization hit him. "Is she is my child then?"

"Yes… No!" I shout loudly. My eyes widen. I blurted out what I wanted to keep secret until my death. I couldn't hold my thoughts together. It had escaped from my lips. My maternal instincts ran wild and I was anxious because I didn't hear any news about her.

"I gave you a proposition; I don't think you had any choice about this." He said harshly while grabbing my chin and pulls pulling me near his face.

"Tell me about the other's location and I would spare you and her, if not, I wouldn't hesitate to kill those abominations. Do I make myself clear, Kuran?" He purred.

I instantly cried. It was my entire fault; all of this happened because of me. I shouldn't run from it. It made me heart-broken, to think that Zero would call them abominations. They are his children, flesh and blood. I was shaken badly. The last thing I know he called my name before I lose consciousness.

"Kaname!"

I awoke in unfamiliar surroundings and I remembered I had passed out. I instantly put my hand on my stomach and was glad that the bulge was still there.

"They are alright. You're just tired." He said.

I flinched, the sudden answer startled me. I just don't know what Zero was thinking. I actually don't understand him at all.

"Mama!" Shirohana shout and lunged forward to hug me. I got up and gently hugged her.

"I missed you. Grandpa Kaien is nice." She said.

I'm glad she was with Kaien and not with someone I don't know. She noticed my stomach and turned to Zero and asked,

"Why did you put him in pain? He didn't do anything wrong!"

I was shocked from her sudden exclamation. I instantly swung her to my side, grabbing her and hugging her tightly. I shook my head and said,

"Please don't hurt us!" I am afraid of Zero's wrath and what he will do to our daughter. He did nothing and he went out leaving us alone in the room.

I agreed to his proposition because of the children and months later both of them safely born and safe into my arms. The twins' birth lasted for twenty-two hours and this time I was not alone. Although he is with me, his scrutinizing gaze made it unbearable for me and I know he loved watching me in pain. The birth was easier since it was my second and the hardest part was that I had to push out two babies. I safely gave birth to two identical twin boys; they also just like their sister. But I was broken beyond repair. I couldn't enjoy much of it. Zero had already taken so much of me and left me as an empty shell. I just wish I was human to begin with and there is no such bloodshed happening. It was wishful thinking because that was impossible that this wish of mine could happen. I'm his doll for eternity.

This was for their happiness... This was for them…