~Adventures in Unova, Episode 1: Beauties Battling for Pride and Prestige, My Version Thereof~

~Author's Note~

This episode, I feel, doesn't really provide any explanation for why Iris is so determined to take revenge on the three glamourous women, and it ends up bying into various stereotypes in spite of everything. Thus, I rewrote it. Also, given the subject matter of this episode, I have taken some liberties with the genders of various pokémon.

~The Actual Story~

"No joke?! THEY KNOW WHERE THE UNOVA LEAGUE IS GOING TO BE?!"

The cry of excitement echoed for miles around, startling a passing ducklett.

"No joke!" the Sinnoh regional champion smiled, quietly amused by the immeasureable excitement on Ash's face. "I've just found out that the tournament takes place in Vertress City this year."

"Oh, wow! I'm so psyched!" Ash declared, trembling with excitement. "Are you psyched, Pikachu?! 'Cause I sure am!"

"Pika pikachu!" the yellow mouse pokémon confirmed from his perch on Ash's shoulder.

"I never doubted it for a second!" Ash declared. "Cynthia, thanks for everything. Let's go!"

"Now, wait a minute!" the massive-haired dragon-master-in-training Iris protested, causing Ash to stop right in his tracks. "We don't even know where Vertress City is, do we?"

"Of course we do!" Cilan pointed out. "It's just past Opelucid City."

Iris stopped short. "...Opelucid? As in... Drayden? Er... couldn't we maybe go by the Village of Dragons instead?"

"Sure, as long as we don't miss the league tournament," Ash replied. "I mean, I'd love to see your hometown, of course."

"Oh, of course," Cilan agreed. "Such a draconic village promises to show a whirl of flavours, both bold and natural, rustic and subtle, and imbued with the mystical power of dragons!"

"Yay!" said Iris, relief flooding through her. If all went to plan, she wouldn't be seeing any more of Drayden for several years at least.

"So then, you were thanking me for everything?" Cynthia prompted. "You're most welcome, of course. Having a few wild, cheerful children around the place really spices things. up, and I could never close my door on a pikachu or axew."

"Glad to hear it." If Cilan was upset about being labelled a wild, cheerful child, he didn't show it. "I, too, thank you for everything."

"And me," Iris agreed.

"Axew xew!" the small, green pokémon who sheltered inside her hair concurred.

"Then, at the risk of repeating myself, let's go!" said Ash loudly.

And so the three children, two poké-ball-less pokémon and many more pokémon to boot set off once more, the incredibly cool new theme song for Adventures in Unova still ringing in their ears. They journeyed past a set of steps leading down to the beach, over a small stream (where Iris fell in the mud), past a simisear (who dried Iris out a little), and into another iteration of Unova's massive, beautiful forests. Many miles of walking later, it was about time for lunch.

"This looks like a nice spot to take a break," Ash commented, as the group approached came to a clearing beside the path. It was small, but it would do.

"Jervis was kind enough to make us a packed lunch," Cilan informed the others, retrieving the lunch from his bag. (Jervis was Cynthia's butler, and a more kind and selfless man has never yet been found.) "It's probably about time we sampled it. Iris, up for some eating?"

"A bath would be nicer, but I'm sure it'll be delicious!" said Iris, who liked to look on the bright side.

Ash seated himself on a nice patch of forest floor, retrieving his poké-balls. "Come on out, gang!" he shouted, releasing the five other pokémon with him right now: Snivy, Pignite, Oshawott, Scraggy and Unfezant.

"Snivy sni. Pignite! Wott-wott osha! Scraggy scrag! Fezant!" was the general consensus as they materialised.

"Pikachu pika!" Pikachu greeted them.

"Out you come, you three!" Cilan declared, releasing Crustle, Stunfisk and Pansage.

"And you!" Iris agreed, releasing Emolga, Excadrill and Dragonite.

"Crustle crust! Stunfiiiisk! Pansage pan. Emol! Ex excadrill. ROAAAAAR!" was the general consensus this time.

Without further ado, our heroes tucked into their lunch: sandwiches for the humans and small, brown, really tasty cylindrical items for the pokémon.

"Jervis is good. Even something as simple as a sandwich really captures the essence of tropical cuisine!" Cilan declared, between bites.

"Nite pignite!" Pignite agreed, merrily tucking into her veritable mountain of food.

"Oshawott..." said Oshawott unsurely, surveying his already empty dish. Well, Pignite could do to lose a few inches on the waist, so when the fiery pig pokémon was busy chewing, her eyes shut in ecstacy, Oshawott nicked her bowl and scoffed the lot.

"Pignite?!" Pignite cried, noticing the lack of food. She looked over in amazement, then noticed Oshawott, looking very full and satisfied.

Oshawott said nothing to defend himself, merely belching right in Pignite's face.

"Oh, man, they're at it again..." Ash sighed, as Pignite flamethrowered Oshawott, leaving him seriously charred. "Hey, stop it! This feud of yours is really getting old!"

"Osha oshawott!" Oshawott protested, indicating that Pignite had started it.

"Nite?! Pig pignite!" Pignite snapped, and she thumped Oshawott.

By now, everyone was getting worried, and Pikachu saw fit to step in.

"Pikachu! Pikapika!" Pikachu said placatingly, moving in between Pignite and Oshawott. "Pika-pi, pikachu pika pikachu chu."

"Oshawott!" Oshawott retorted, and he fired off a hydro pump right at Pignite, who ducked, leaving Emolga in the line of fire. It struck her head-on, throwing her into the forest.

"Molgaaaaaa!" the poor little pokémon wailed, before a resounding thump silenced her.

"Oh! Emolga!" Iris cried, rushing off after her.

"And today was shaping up to be so delicious..." Cilan sighed.

"See what you've done?!" Ash demanded, rare displeasure with his pokémon as magnified as it would ever get. "When we find Emolga, I want you to apologise to her. All right?"

"Pigni-!"

"Both of you!" Ash confirmed.

Oshawott and Pignite looked at one-another, and hung their heads in shame.

The group found Emolga lying at the base of a small cliff, out cold.

"Oh, poor Emolga..." said Iris tenderly, scooping Emolga up in her arms.

Realising what they'd caused to happen, Oshawott and Pignite needed no further prompting to apologise.

"Pignite nite," Pignite said sorrowfully.

"Wott oshawott," Oshawott agreed.

"We can let bygones be bygones, I guess," said Iris charitably. "We'd best find you an oran berry or something, Emolga."

"Oh, so she's your pokémon?" said a smug-sounding voice from the top of the cliff, its tone indicating that the recipient of the "your" was far from their idea of good company. "How typical. An unattractive pokémon for an even less attractive girl."

Ash, Iris, Cilan, Axew, Pikachu, Pignite, Snivy, Oshawott, Scraggy, Unfezant, Dragonite, Excadrill, Crustle, Pansage and Stunfisk looked up in amazement to see three gorgeous female pokémon and three similarly gorgeous female humans looking down on them, their noses raised high.

"Er... unattractive?" said Iris, dumbfounded.

"But of course!" said the woman standing nearest the cliff, who was wearing a flowing pink dress not in fashion since the Victorian era. With her was a cinccino. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Moira, the prettiest woman in all of Unova, and this fine young lady is Cinccino, the prettiest pokémon!"

Cinccino blushed. Ash quickly got out his pokédex and examined her, in case their was a battle coming soon.

"My name is Mona, and I am proud to present the second-prettiest pokémon in Unova, Lilligant!" a green-haired woman in a yellow dress covered with red bows declared, gesturing to the elegant grass-type pokémon standing beside her.

"And last but not least, I am Cher. This is Unova's third-prettiest pokémon, and one of its finest warriors, Roserade!" a third woman declared, this time dressed in a blue-and-white general's uniform. The roserade she spoke of was balanced perfectly atop her trainer's head.

"Uh...?" Ash commented.

"Whatever recipe they choose is fine for them, I'm sure," said Cilan.

"Anyway, we six were taking a pleasant forest walk in order to become even more beautiful, when your miserable, unattractive emolga collided with this very cliff, putting our beauty in jeopardy!" Moira declared. "Honestly, what an unsightly pokémon."

"You tell them, dear Moira!" Mona declared.

"Now, hang on just a minute!" Iris protested. "Emolga may not be a beauty queen, sure, but I think she's pretty cute."

"Emol mol," said Emol gratefully, having regained consciousness a few moments ago.

"And that snivy!" Mona went on, ignoring Iris and Emolga's protests. "So pathetically uptight."

"Snive?!" cried Snivy.

"How dare you?!" Ash demanded. "Snivy's one of the best pokémon in Unova, and-"

"And don't get me started on that pignite!" Cher agreed. "I mean, I would be the first to admit that tomboys can be as pretty as more conventional girls, but she simply goes too far. In fact, I feel the term "butch lesbian" is the only insult powerful enough."

"Because she likes Snivy, or she's just too butch, is that it?" Ash growled.

"Shut up, you worthless, unbeautiful guttersnipe," said Moira acidly. "As for that pansage... she is beneath contempt."

"W-what?!" Cilan had had quite enough. "I thought I had known unkind people before I met the three of you, but you leave a taste in my mouth I cannot toler-"

"I fail to see why we should stand around and listen to men complain," Cher declared, completely ignoring him.

"Quite. Why did we even bother giving them the vote?" Moira agreed.

"Oh, this is just-!" Ash began.

"And you, the girl with the oversized hair... about that mud..." said Mona.

"Yes?" said Iris, without much enthusiasm.

Mona smirked. "I like it. It goes with your skin!"

Iris was pretty sure that was meant to be racist, and couldn't believe what she was hearing. As the elitist women and their strangely silent pokémon strutted off into the distance, all she could think to do was stare at her feet, and wonder where the world had gone wrong.

"Man... What was their problem?" Ash pondered.

"A serious one, no doubt," said Cilan grimly. "I can't even think of a good food metaphor to use."

"Axew? Xew xew axew," said Axew sympathetically, snuggling up to Iris.

"It's all right, really," Ash agreed, hoping she wouldn't break down and cry or anything. "Iris... people like that are rare, and we have to either ignore them or teach them a lesson. Those six might be the first category, but-"

"NO! I will not stand for it!" Iris roared, startling everyone. She looked up from her feet, and in her eyes flamed a promise of outrage, of draco meteors and fire, and of revenge with plenty of collateral damage. And on her face was a look that would make even Drayden quake in his boots. "Axew, hang on tight, okay? Cilan, you look after Emolga. GET BACK HERE, YOU OAFS!"

Iris leapt onto the cliff, caught on, and scrambled up as adeptly as an ambipom. Approving of her fury, Dragonite flew off after her.

"Wait! Iris!" Ash protested.

"Leave her be, Ash. Those women deserve a piece of her mind, and ours too," Cilan pointed out, holding Emolga close.

"Pansage sage pan," Pansage pointed out.

"True. We should probably head over to make sure there isn't a fight."

By the time Ash, Cilan, Pikachu, Emolga and all the other pokémon had got up the cliff, however, the glamourous women were long gone, and Iris was far from pleased.

"They just drove off!" Iris said, utterly outraged.

"Iris... what can we say? Sorry you didn't get to have it out with them," Ash comforted her.

"Graooaar, wraow roooar?" Dragonite proposed, gesturing to some tyre tracks left behind by the minibus.

"You're right!" Iris said, instantly perking up. "They drove off that way in a minibus. It was covered in flower murals, so we won't miss it, and I'm pretty sure there's a town that way." Iris pointed dramatically out away from the cliff. "Let's go!"

Ash couldn't help but be caught up in ethusiasm such as hers. "Right behind you. Come on, guys, let's do it!" he declared.

"I must confess, I have my doubts about this recipe..." Cilan said to himself, rushing off after them. "Wait for me!"

Iris, Ash, Cilan, Axew and Pikachu (the rest now in their poké-balls) soon came to the town. It was small and rustic and full of community spirit, but with no flower-painted minibus in sight.

"Oh, where could they have gone?!" Iris fretted. "Those ladies are worse than Georgia. Every fibre of my being wants revenge!"

"We'll ask around, then," Ash proposed.

"Pikachu pikapika?" Pikachu proposed, gesturing to what looked like a market, a few minutes' walk away from the city limits.

Ash nodded. "Of course! Sure to be lots of people there."

"C'mon, c'mon! Time's a-wasting!" Iris declared, and she was off like a shot.

As it transpired, they only needed to ask one person: a well-built woman tending a fruit stall.

"Excuse me, have you seen three beautiful women and some pokémon around lately, or a minibus with flowers painted on it?" Iris asked her, getting straight to the point.

"We've got some bones to pick with them," Ash appended.

"Bones, eh?" the well-built woman chuckled, with a hearty voice. "You'd be after the Flower Garden Troupe, this town's most famous all-female theatre troupe. Can't say I'm fond of them, though... they said I was a man in disguise, and I should go and kill myself to avoid setting girls a bad example."

Ash, Cilan, Iris, Axew and Pikachu performed a synchronised gasp of horror.

"They said that?!" Ash cried.

"Such a shocking flavour... this recipe has to change," said Cilan grimly.

"Do you know where we can find them, then?" asked Iris.

"I think so. They're down the road there, third door on the right," said the fruit saleswoman, pointing to a street at the other side of the market. "Men aren't allowed in, though."

"Why on Earth not?!" Ash cried.

The fruit saleswoman shrugged. "Beats me."

"Well then," said Iris, "I suppose I'll be getting revenge on my own. Thanks for the information, ma'am."

"You're welcome," said the fruit saleswoman.

"All right... my only female pokémon's Emolga, so you'd better wait here, Axew," said Iris, lifting Axew off her shoulder and handing him to Ash. Wish me luck, you four!"

"Actually, hold on a moment," said Cilan mysteriously. "I think there's a way we could be able to help you, in spite of our gender."

"Really?! What did you have in mind?" asked Iris.

"The most obvious solution," said Cilan breezily. "It's costume time!"

"Perfection!" Cilan said happily, surveying himself in the full-length mirror the group had been able to find at a nearby beauty salon. His old Elesa costume was still up to scratch, and he felt brilliant in it. "Such a delicious fashion, an electrifying blend of yellows and blacks... no-one could ever think I was a man like this."

"What about me? Could I pass for a girl?" Ash asked, with markedly less enthusiasm. He now had a long, pink wig and skinny jeans, but otherwise, he was dressed the same as always. It brought back some rather unpleasant memories of Celadon City and the stuck-up fatheads in its gym.

"If you do a squeaky voice, you'll be the peak of tomboy chic!" Cilan assured him. "Iris, thoughts?"

"You're girls in all but... fact," Iris said, stumbling over herself a little. "As for Pikachu and Axew..."

"Pikachu..." said Pikachu, giving the cardboard circles on his tail a doubtful look. Female pikachus had a cleft round tip on their tails, true, but it neither looked nor felt right for him.

"Xew axew," said Axew ambivalently, contemplating the red bows on his tusks.

"They'll do," Iris decided.

"Excellent!" said Cilan. "Which brings me to another important aspect of this mission: can I borrow Emolga?"

"Huh? Emolga?" Iris was slightly taken aback. "Well, she won't mind, I'm sure, but why?"

"If I'm to pass for Elesa, or even a lookalike, I'll need an electric-type pokémon," Cilan reasoned.

"Oh, right," said Iris, catching on. "But that'll leave me without any female pokémon, and Axew's bows might fall off if he battled, so...?"

"You can use Snivy," Ash proposed. "Being tough and beautiful at the same time is what she's made for!" He thought for a moment. "Which leaves me with Pignite and Unfezant, and I suppose there's always Palpitoad... hmm..."

"I'll lend you Pansage. It's only fair," Cilan proposed.

"Really? Great!" Ash declared. He retrieved Snivy's poké-ball. "Here you are, Iris. Make sure you take care of her."

"'Course I will!" Iris informed him, accepting the poké-ball. She took out Emolga's poké-ball. "Emolga, Cilan will be battling with you for a little while, all right?"

From within the poké-ball, Emolga indicated that it probably would. Cilan accepted her gratefully.

"Nothing like a little change of ingredients to spice things up," Cilan commented. He put Emolga's ball in his pocket, retrieving Pansage's. "Presenting my beloved Pansage!"

"Awesome! Thanks a lot, Cilan!" Ash declared, accepting Pansage's poké-ball with his usual cheer. "Now, let's go and avenge Iris. Shall we, Cileanor?"

"If you're ready, Ashleigh," Cilan declared, pleased with his new female nickname.

"Then let's go!" said Iris.

The not-entirely-authentic girls had little trouble following the fruit saleswoman's directions: there was no mistaking the Flower Garden Troupe's enormous mansion, complete with tall fence, extravagant garden and a massive billboard, which offered lessons in elegance and deportment for women who didn't want to be worthless and unbeautiful.

"As opposed to unbeautiful but still worth a lot?" Ash commented.

"I'll blow that smugness and belief in ancient stereotypes clean off their faces," Iris proclaimed, her eyes still flaming a promise of outrage, draco meteors, etcetera. "Come along, you four! Remember to be female!"

As they crossed through the gate, the five were immediately set upon by a woman in a nondescript black suit. "Can I help you?" she asked, making it sound more like a challenge than an offer of help.

"Oh, sure!" Iris declared. "Me and my mates here are from a theatre youth group, "Two Tomboys, Several Pokémon and One Elesa Lookalike". We are here to visit our dear friends Cher, Moira and Mona."

"Oh, I see," the guard acknowledged. "If you're friends, you can go right in."

"Yay!" Cilan said femininely, adding a "teehee" for effect.

"Thank you!" Iris agreed, and she and the others made their way into the mansion. It was breathtaking: the walls, floor, ceiling, carpets and windows were flawless, made from the finest materials in Unova, and every room was bathed in natural light.

A short way down one of the mansion's many halls, a solid gold door opened. Ash, Iris, Cilan, Axew and Pikachu started guiltily as Mona emerged, still in her yellow, bow-covered dress.

"What-ho? Three strangers?" Mona commented. "May I help- oh, good gracious, it's the hideous girl from the forest."

"Hideous yourself, you racist, pig-headed bully!" Iris snapped. Ash, Cilan, Pikachu and Axew turned pale, anticipating a rumble.

"W-what?! How dare you-"

"Allow me to introduce myself," Iris went on, ignoring her. "I am Iris of the Village of Dragons, and these are Cileanor, Ashleigh, Pikachu and Axew. We're a youth group from the city, and we've come to challenge the Flower Garden Troupe!"

"Oh, really?" said Mona, her words oozing contempt. "If we'd known this city had such pathetic youth groups, we'd have left for one of those ancient temples up in the mountains. But now that you're here, what sort of challenge did you have in mind?"

"Uh..." It was only now that Iris realised she had left out a crucial phase in her plan for revenge. "You choose."

"Very well," said Mona. "Come with me, and please try not to get mud or stray underarm hairs all over our beautiful, clean floors." She contemplated Cilan. "Except you, miss. Anyone with Elesa's fashion sense is welcome here, no matter what company she chooses to keep."

Mona led Two Tomboys, Several Pokémon and One Elesa Lookalike through the solid gold door into a wide, bright, spacious room, in which Cher, Moira, Cinccino, Roserade and Lilligant were waiting. Upon catching sight of our heroes, Moira went beserk.

"How dare you come here?!" Moira demanded. "Mona, how dare you bring them here?! I would expect better of you."

"I must confess, I was afraid to refuse," Mona admitted. "In any case, the girl we met in the forest earlier has brought some of her awful, barely-female friends here to "challenge" us. We are allowed to choose the nature of the challenge."

"I want to prove to you that being beautiful isn't the most important thing in the world, and take the three of you down a peg!" Iris explained angrily.

"Yeah! What matters most is how you deal with challenges and how well you connect with pokémon, and... stuff!" Ash agreed, in his usual passionate manner.

"I see..." said Moira. "Well, if that is your attitude, we shall have no choice but to utterly annihilate you. For our contest, may I recommend the balance beam we use to perfect our sashaying?"

"Oh, yes, excellent idea!" Cher agreed. "With the mud pit, I presume?"

"Naturally," said Moira. She pressed a button on the wall, causing one of the floorboards to rise up to knee height. The floor beneath the board split open, revealing an enormous pit of foul-smelling, generally nasty-looking mud.

"Well, this takes the biscuit..." Cilan commented.

"What was that?" asked Cher curiously.

"I... I said this really takes the biscuit," Cilan repeated, doing the squeakiest voice he could manage.

Cher gave him a withering look.

"This will be a contest of poise and grace, with the threat in being covered in mud as the stake," Moira declared. "In any theatre production, it is vital that we stride like angels, even in twelve-inch platform boots such as these." She gestured to her boot; sure enough, the platform component was twelve inches high. "Note the way I balance effortlessly, even when showing off my platforms, and the way my leg muscles elegantly complement these fine linen stockings."

"Um..." said Ash.

"And take these custom-tailored riding boots," Cher declared, raising one foot. "Too masculine, you say? Not at all; they are like a second skin, allowing for a more natural walk! Roserade has a pair as well, but prefers to be barefoot most of the time."

"Axew xew..." Axew said, somewhat confused.

"Enough about shoes," said Mona. "Consider my arms. I've manipulated my own genes to make sure my arms grew symmetrically, allowing for perfect, effortless balance. A true lady never looks at her feet while sashaying, unless she's particularly proud of her shoes."

"So," Moira summarised, "we are truly the most gorgeous and graceful belles of Unova! What remains to be seen is whether clodhopping tomboys such as you can keep up with us."

Iris reflected on her years spent climbing trees, swinging from vines and being as fit as ever a ten-year-old girl was. Ash reflected on all the running, acrobatics and balancing over badly-made bridges his adventures had involved. Cilan reflected on how he and his brothers used to have competitions to see who could stand on one leg the longest. Pikachu reflected on how the floorboard wasn't any thinner than he was. Axew reflected on his kind's natural sense of balance (due to the tusks).

"Of course we can!" all three humans declared.

"Pikapika!" Pikachu agreed.

"Xew xew axew!" Axew agreed.

"Hm!" Mona said contemptuously. "We shall see."

She mounted the balancing beam as if it were as wide and steady as Skyarrow Bridge, and, without once looking down, strode over to the far side, where she hopped daintily off.

"After you, dear Cher," Moira said, gesturing for Cher to follow Mona. She did so, with similar success, and Moira came last, going so far as to do a pirouette in mid-balance.

"Ta-da!" Moira declared, posing majestically on the far side of the beam.

"So, can you tell yet how much blood, sweat and tears go into the fine art of being beautiful?" Cher asked smugly.

"Well, they've got spirit..." Ash commented.

"True, but we're not fighting over their spirit," Iris reminded him. "Who's first?"

"I'll do it," Ash offered, stepping onto the balance beam. Immediately, he regretted it, his arms windmilling wildly as he tried desparately not to fall over. He managed a few steps, then missed the board completely and went plummeting into the mud.

Moira laughed. "How pathetic!"

"Pikapi!" Pikachu cried in horror.

"Ohhh..." Ash groaned, emerging from the ooze like some sort of swamp monster. "Now what'll I tell the wig rental place?!"

Cher raised an eyebrow. "Wig rental?"

"Uh... yes, I wear a wig! It saves me a fortune in pink hair dye!" Ash said defensively. "Cileanor, you're next, right?"

"But of course!" said Cilan, striding confidently over to the balance beam, where he paused to help Ash out of the mud. "A true pokémon connoisseur- a true pokémon connoisseuse is ready for anything, as is a true Elesa impersonator, and this is no different. It's balancing time!"

Cilan had seen what Ash did wrong, and so knew how to avoid those pitfalls: he stepped on sideways, the arches of his feet draped over the beam, and set about sidling over the beam.

"Whaddaya know? I think she might make it!" Ash commented.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Cher demanded. "Walking sideways like that is about as beautiful as a mouldy potato."

"Well, I'm sorry my gait doesn't impress you," said Cilan levelly, "but you can't deny it works."

"You cheat!" Cher went on. "Roserade, chastise him, if you please."

"Rade roserade!" Roserade agreed, and she vine whipped Cilan into the mud.

"Oh, my stars..." Cilan groaned, as Iris and Ash removed him from the mud pit.

"Xew axew," said Axew sympathetically.

"That's what we call foul play," Iris agreed, looking daggers at Roserade, then at Cher. "All right, you four just sit tight and watch how a dragon-master-in-training can balance."

Cilan, Ash, Pikachu and Axew moved to a safe distance, giving Iris encouraging looks.

"You six paying attention?!" Iris demanded of the Flower Garden Troupe. "Then here we go!"

Iris mounted the balance beam (eyes still flaming the same old promise, of course), almost fell over straight off the bat, righted herself, and, sweating profusely, balanced her way right over to the end. She leapt down to the floor, gazing defiantly up at the three beautiful women, then defiantly down at the pokémon. "How'd you like that?!"

"Man, she did it!" Ash cried.

"Pika pikachu!" Pikachu cheered.

"Axew! Axew xew!" Axew agreed.

"Such a spicy blend of fire and passion, infused with sheer grit and inability to fall... sometimes, even a five-star chef can make do with a spicy broth!" Cilan declared.

"What?! How dare you succeed?!" Moira cried. "Only a beautiful, ladylike woman such as myself deserves to be free from mud." She threw a punch at Iris, who ducked, leaving Moira's momentum to carry her straight into the mud.

After Moira had bathed and calmed down, then been persuaded that this wouldn't have happened if she hadn't tried to clobber Iris, it was time for the pokémon balancing competition.

"Since pokémon are naturally fighters, this competition will have a little extra feature," Moira declared. "One of our pokémon and one of yours will attempt to cross the beam from opposite ends, passing their opponent by any means necessary."

"Of course, our pokémon are as powerful as they are beautiful," Cher pointed out. "All of us have won gym badges and contest ribbons, thanks to these three."

"So, what pokémon will you use?" asked Mona, clearly not expecting much.

"I'm glad you asked," said Iris. "Snivy, I choose you!"

Snivy materialised, looking as snivish as always. "Snivy sni! Snivy!" she declared.

Mona scoffed. "That thing? She's as bad as the one with that boy who looked suspiciously like Ashleigh, even moreso now that she has no wig!"

Ash gulped, realising his disguise was falling apart, then went beserk, realising Snivy had just been insulted. "How can you say that?! You haven't seen what Snivy is capable of. I mean, when I was on the, um, pokémon contest scene with Iris, she rocked!"

"I don't care one whit," Mona pointed out.

Ash growled. "Pansage, you show them!"

"Pansage!" the grass monkey pokémon declared, emerging from her poké-ball with a flash of light. "Pansage pan!"

"And now, presenting my star attraction, Emolga!" Cilan finished, throwing her poké-ball with his usual flair. Emolga burst into reality, did a quick fly-by, and alighted next to Snivy and Pansage.

"Those three, eh?" Moira commented. "I can't say I fancy your chances. Let's see now... Eenie meenie minie mo, catch a teacher by the toe; if it hollers, let it go, eenie meenie minie mo! The first is Pansage."

"Pansage pan?" Pansage asked worriedly.

Ash gave her an encouraging look. "Don't worry. I know you'll give it everything you've got!"

"Sage...? Pansage. Pan pansage!" Pansage said, seeing the wisdom behind Ash's words. She clambered up onto the balance beam.

"Lilligant, I believe she's your size," Mona commented.

"Lilligant. Lilli lilligant," the graceful forest pokémon agreed, leaping gracefully onto the balance beam.

"Everyone ready?" Cher asked.

"Pan," Pansage confirmed.

"Gant lilligant," Lilligant confirmed.

"Then begin!" Cher commanded.

Lilligant sashayed delicately over to Pansage. Pansage tottered over to Lilligant. Lilligant thrust a single hand out at Pansage, hitting her square in the face and holding her at bay. On Lilligant's part, it looked almost effortless, not to mention humiliating for Pansage.

"Pan pansage..." Pansage growled. "Pansage sage pan!" She bit Lilligant's hand, taking the graceful pokémon aback, then kicked her clean off the balance beam.

Lilligant landed with a resounding splat. After a few moments, her head poked out of the mud, looking as happy as she'd ever been. "Lilli lilligant!"

"Lilligant... are you actually happy about this?!" Mona cried.

"Lilligant gant lilli!" Lilligant smiled.

"Er..." Mona was torn between her love of Lilligant and her hatred of anything messy. "It's an ecumenical matter, I suppose."

Pansage stepped proudly off the balance beam, waving cheekily to Lilligant.

"All right, Pansage! You did it!" Ash declared.

"Excellent show!" Cilan agreed.

"Sage pansage..." said Pansage, fiddling abashedly with her leafy hair.

"I cannot believe such an unbeautiful, broccoli-haired pokémon could prevail!" Moira declared, as Mona set about washing Lilligant. "Roserade, Cinccino, you'd better succeed."

"Rose roserade," Roserade said confidently. "Rade!"

She clambered onto the balance beam.

"Emol mol molga!" Emolga declared. "Molga emol mol."

"You're up for it, Emolga?" Cilan asked. "Then let your inner light shine like a beacon! Show these arrogant ladies the true meaning of strength."

"Molga emolga!" Emolga agreed. She leapt into the air and glided onto the balance beam.

"Roserade, the honour of our irrepressible beauty rests on your shoulders. You cannot fail!" Cher declared.

"Rade roserade," Roserade acknowledged, and she strode over to Emolga, perfectly balanced. Emolga made her way over to Roserade, using her wing-membranes to balance.

Anyone watching could see quite plainly that Roserade had a height advantage, and she put it to use, headbutting Emolga while the little pokémon was still too far away to reach her. Emolga, however, grabbed Roserade by the ears and shoved her back across the plank, where she landed badly, afraid to stand up in case it ruined her balance.

"Molga emol!" Emolga said proudly, clambering over the prone Roserade to reach the other side. Roserade, seeing victory slipping from her grasp, forced herself upright, whirled around and punched Emolga clean off the beam.

Emolga fell helplessly, her arms flailing wildly, then she remembered she could fly. Turning her fall into a loop-the-loop around the beam, Emolga careened into the air, her tail slashing a sparking line through the mud. Like a lightning dart, Emolga flew clean into Roserade, knocked her over, and, using her prone form as a skateboard, skidded right to Cher's feet.

"Oh, wow! Emolga, you're amazing!" Cilan declared. "Such a fresh, powerful blend, with the spice of surprise and the presentation of a genius!"

"She's grown so much!" Iris agreed, with tears in her eyes. "There's no way this is the same emolga who was prepared to lie, cheat and be horrible to get apples."

"Molga emol," Emolga blushed.

"And that was a beautiful move," Ash went on, in case anyone hadn't noticed. "Even Dawn and Piplup would've been proud to pull that off!"

"Grrrr..." Cher growled. "I hope you're satisfied, you useless lump of vaguely roserade-shaped horribleness. You really showed me up."

"Roserade rose..." said Roserade miserable.

Iris gave Cher a look of pure venom. "Roserade didn't choose to lose, you know. Emolga chose to win."

"Be silent!" Moira snapped. "Since none of my sisters have the strength necessary to defeat even you impudent tomboys, it falls to Cinccino and I to teach you a lesson. Snivy, you'll be facing her, I presume?"

"Snivy sni!" Snivy declared confidently, clambering onto the balance beam.

"Cinccino ccino," Cinccino sniffed, taking her place opposite Snivy.

Iris gave Snivy an encouraging look. "We're warriors, Snivy, you and I. I know you won't make this easy for Cinccino."

"Snive snivy," Snivy agreed. She had heard all the horrible things the Flower Garden Troupe had said, and approved of none. And so, as she balanced her way towards Cinccino, her eyes flamed a promise of leaf storms, leaf blades and vine whips. Maybe even a grass pledge, if she could find a good time to throw one in.

Cinccino could not help but smile at the thought of this stupid, ugly, miserable pokémon looking so ridiculously determined. This so-called Snivy was as weak as she was tomboyish, and would faint at the first touch of her attacks.

Snivy flew at Cinccino, colliding with her square-on. The two vied for purchase, and while Cinccino was the stronger of the two, Snivy wasn't holding back nearly as much, and a quick leaf blade to the face sent Cinccino flying into the mud, with Snivy standing proudly on top. Before Cinccino could sink beneath the ooze, Snivy hooked a vine around the balance beam, swung herself up, easily dodged a vengeful hyper beam from Cinccino and strode over to the end.

"Ohhhhhhh! This is utterly...! Aaaargh!" Moira screamed. She gave a deep, heartfelt sigh. "Good thing Cinccino bathes in oil, I suppose."

"Ccino cinccino," Cinccino agreed, clambering back into the balance beam. She shook herself dry, mud flying off in all directions, and was soon as clean as ever.

"That doesn't seem fair..." Ash muttered.

"Snivy, you were amazing!" Iris praised Snivy. "So strong! So graceful! So everything these arrogant women want and still good company!"

"Oshawott! Osha!" Oshawott agreed, bursting out of his poké-ball and giving Snivy a hug.

Mona glared at Oshawott. "A male pokémon, and one who can't be trusted to stay in his poké-ball to boot? You children are seriously trying my patience."

"Well, so are you lot," Iris pointed out. "I believe we've proven that beauty isn't everything."

"All you've proven is what idiots you are," Moira snarled. "Follow us to the back garden. We'll have a proper tournament on our one-of-a-kind swamp battle arena!"

Looking fiercely determined, the Flower Garden Troupe made their way to another door, then through it, followed by Iris, Cilan, Ash, Axew, Pikachu, Snivy, Pansage and Emolga. The garden was extravagant and full of flowers, and its main feature was an enormous swamp, full of really muddy-looking mud. A circular wooden platform floated on top of the mire, with all the markings of a battlefield.

"More mud?" Ash said quietly. "I suppose it helps to have an incentive to do well."

"We shall have a best-of-three tournament here, with the proviso that any losing pokémon gets dunked in the mud along with its trainer," Moira declared. "You fools were just lucky with the balance beam. This time, you'll be soundly thrashed."

"I look forward to seeing you try," said Iris.

"As do me and Cileanor," Ash agreed.

"We shall see," said Mona. "Me and Ashleigh first, as before?"

"That will be fine," Moira agreed. Mona headed over to the swamp and threw Lilligant over the mud, where she made a perfect landing.

"Pansage, as before, we'll give it all we've got!" Ash declared. "Snivy, can you vine-whip her onto the battlefield?"

"Snivy sni," Snivy agreed, and she lifted Pansage off the ground with her vines, then deposited her on the wooden battlefield.

Mona wasted no time. "Lilligant, quiver dance!"

Lilligant performed a peculiar, quivering dance, her strength and speed building by the second.

"Use fury swipes!" Ash retorted.

With a cry of "Pan pansage!", Pansage extended her claws and rushed at Lilligant, swiping her furiously. Lilligant blocked every single swipe.

"Okay, then... bullet seed!" Ash ordered. Pansage fired off a barrage of fast, dangerous seeds right at Lilligant.

Lilligant calmly raised a hand and caught every seed. Then she ate them.

"Oh!" Ash cried, unable to believe what he was seeing. "Well, if that's her game, solar beam!"

Pansage gathered up a sphere of sunlight between her hands and unleashed a blast of light.

"Synthesis!" Mona ordered. Lilligant shut her eyes, letting her chlorophyll get to work just in time for the solar beam to hit. It burst out around her in a corona of dazzling rainbow light, but when the light faded, Lilligant was fine.

Mona chuckled. "Lilligant's defences are beyond that of any other lilligant, and she does it with such beauty and grace. What are you going to do now, Ashleigh?"

"Er..." said Ash, gritting his teeth. "Think of what to do, that's what!"

"Then I'll put you out of your misery," Mona offered. "Petal dance!"

"Lilli lilligant!" Lilligant said happily. With a powerful twirl, she whipped up a curtain of pink petals around her, which she tossed at Pansage.

"Saaaaage! Sage pan pansage!" Pansage wailed, thrown head-over-heels by the petals. "Pan pansage..."

"Oh, good heavens!" Cilan cried. "Such a powerful defence, and such a terrible effect on Pansage..."

"Pansage, you all right?" Ash asked worriedly.

"Pansage sage," Pansage replied. "Pan! Pansage!"

"Awesome!" Ash declared. "In that case, use bite!"

Pansage pounced on Lilligant, who extended a hand to hold her at bay. She bit down savagely on Lilligant's hand, causing her to scream in pain and shock.

"Shake her off, Lilligant!" Mona ordered.

"Don't let her shake you off!" Ash ordered.

Lilligant flailed with all her might, shaking Pansage like a ragdoll, but the more she shook, the more Pansage bit. Eventually Lilligant collapsed in exhaustion, staring ruefully at the tooth marks on her hand.

"Great job, Pansage. Finish her with bullet seed!" Ash ordered.

Pansage hurled forth another barrage of seeds, sending Lilligant flying. She glared at Pansage for a moment, then fainted.

Mona gasped in horror. "Oh, Lilligant! How can this have happened?!"

"Because you underestimated the wrong girls!" Ash declared proudly, really getting into his character. "Pansage, that was awesome!"

"Pansage pan!" Pansage rejoiced.

"They did it!" Cilan declared. "Such a delicious victory!"

"Still two more to go," Iris pointed out. "And that lot deserve every humiliating defeat coming. Talking of which, Mona, I believe you and Lilligant have a forefeit to do."

"Yes, yes. Don't rub it in..." said Mona grumpily, lowering herself gingerly into the mud. "Lilligant, coming?"

"Lilli lilligant!" Lilligant rejoiced, leaping into the mud, where she would gladly have wallowed for hours if Mona hadn't started crying.

"Now that that's over with, I believe it is time for more battles," Cher declared. "Cileanor, Emolga, I presume you are to me my and Roserade's opponents?"

"I believe so," said Cilan. "Emolga, let's go!"

He and Emolga took their places, the latter gliding onto the wooden battlefield. It was surprisingly stable.

"Roserade, I trust you will succeed this time," said Cher coldly, gesturing for Roserade to get into the battlefield. "If you don't..."

"Hey, time out!" Ash interrupted. "Cher, I get the feeling you don't really like Roserade."

"What's it to you?" Cher enquired.

"What's it to-?! Roserade's doing her best!" Ash pointed out. "If she loses, that's just because the other pokémon did better, not because she wasn't trying. If you can't get that into your head, you shouldn't be a pokémon trainer!"

"I don't think I asked for the opinion of a miserable guttersnipe brat like you," Cher sneered. "Roserade, tell me this. If Emolga beats you, who's at fault?"

"Roserade rose, roserade," Roserade replied.

Cher stared at her. "What do you mean, no-one is?!"

"She means no-one's at fault, cloth-ears!" Iris snapped. "Except you, for being such an awful trainer."

"Why, you impertinent little-!"

"Hey, time out again!" Cilan cried. "We're not here for a fight!"

"Yes we are!" Iris protested.

"We're not!" Cilan insisted. "I can't say accurately how many cooks are best for making a broth, but fighting is sure to ruin it. Let's just get on with the tournament and debate morality afterwards, bearing in mind that we have many more pokémon than these three, all of whom will be glad to defend Roserade if Cher gets too big for her boots."

"Oh... very well," said Cher, moderately placated. "Roserade, I trust you are ready to fight?"

"Rade rose..." Roserade confirmed, with less enthusiasm than a charmander who's been offered free scuba diving lessons.

"Emolga, one way or another, we shall make these Flower Garden ladies regret their arrogance and stupidity. It's time for battle to be served!" Cilan declared.

"Emolga emol!" Emolga agreed.

"Use ice punch!" Cher ordered, right off the bat.

Cilan's eyes went as wide as saucers. Since when could a roserade use ice punch? "Uh... discharge!" he ordered hastily, seeing Roserade's bouquet-shaped hand turn deathly cold and move rapidly towards Emolga. A corona of electricily flared up around Emolga, lancing out at Roserade and zapping her severely, but the fire punch still connected, sending Emolga flying.

Emolga didn't seem too badly hurt, so Cilan deemed it safe to carry on. "Use energy ball!"

"Mol...GA!" Emolga shouted, hurling a sphere of glowing green energy at Roserade.

"Counter it with fire punch!" Cher ordered. Roserade's hand caught fire, and she swatted the energy ball aside.

Given that Roserade knows those two moves, it's a safe bet that she knows thunderpunch as well, which should protect her from any of Emolga's flying-type moves. Emolga's electric attacks are more likely to hit, but she can't attack too rapidly, leaving Roserade plenty of time to strike. If Emolga were to attack Roserade head-on, she would be vulnerable to ice punch. However, I happen to know a fair bit about emolgas, and Iris hasn't fully realised this one's potential just yet. The main course of this battle is ours for the taking!

The evaluation passed through Cilan's mind in less than a second, and he knew what he had to do. "Use quick attack!"

"Emol!" Emolga acknowledged, and she zoomed towards Roserade at the speed of sound, crashing straight into her.

"Now use nuzzle!" Cilan continued. Emolga electrified her cheeks and nuzzled Roserade as hard as she could, paralyzing her.

"Oh, gosh! Roserade!" Cher cried. "Such an uncouth strategy, almost mannish in its vulgarity..."

"I thought that was quite subtle, but each to their own," said Cilan levelly. "Use acrobatics!"

Made helpless by electrical buildups in her muscles, Roserade could only look on helplessly as Emolga did some showy acrobatics, unburdened by any held items, and clobbered her with all her flying-type might. Roserade didn't stand a chance.

"Magnificent! Your taste was as fine as a fresh potato salad sandwich with slices of fruit!" Cilan declared.

"Emolga mol!" said Emolga proudly.

"Aaaaaugh! Roserade, how could you- I mean, how did- why?! I... I suppose it won't change how beautiful you are, but..." Cher blustered. "Is winning really too much to ask?"

"If you hadn't been busy insulting me, you might've had time to think of a strategy," Cilan pointed out. "And if you had been nicer to Roserade, she could've been more determined to win. Unless a pokémon actually wants to lose a battle, it's never their fault."

"Can't you just leave off it?!" Cher snapped. "Women shouldn't be pokémon connoisseurs, anyway."

"Really? Considering pokémon connoisseurs are experts in matters of the heart, often stylish and refined and prone to gourmet cooking, I'd expect stereotype lovers like you to think of it as women's work," said Cilan thoughtfully. "Then again, it takes a great deal of intelligence, bravery and confidence, and those are sometimes thought of as masculine."

"If you even care about that thing, why are you in a soldier's outfit?" Iris added.

"Because..." Cher had hit a mental wall. "Because, um, that is to say... I like the boots, and... er, well... I happen to think it, um... well, it suits me."

"Being tomboys suits me, Cileanor and Iris," Ash pointed out. "And now that you mention it, the soldier's outfit should be easier to clean after your forfeit."

"If I must..." Cher sighed. "Roserade, on your feet."

Roserade got rather shakily to her feet. She and Cher saluted each other, then leapt simultaneously into the mire.

"That was horrible..." Cher groaned, huddled up to a similarly muddy Roserade beside a hastily-erected fire. "I can't believe you put me through this. Moira, did we have to use the "loser goes in the mud" rule?"

"I was rather expecting us to win a bit more often," said Moira nervously.

"But you didn't," said Iris smugly. "Do you still think me and my friends are so awful?"

"Of course I do!" Moira snapped. "My sisters and I are so superior to you, the difference between us is like that between a hydreigon and a magikarp. Your victories were just down to... um... cheating! You must've cheated!"

"We battled fair and square! If you can't accept that, you need a better attitude," Iris said angrily. "Hopefully, if I win the next battle, it'll be enough to tip you over the edge."

"Snivy sni!" Snivy agreed.

"Then let's not waste any more time. This is more than just a battle, Iris, it will be a clash of truth and ideals: the truth of the superiority of being beautiful and ladylike, and the stupid ideals of being a tomboy. Are you ready?" Moira asked.

"Of course!" Iris declared. She and Snivy headed purposefully over to the battlefield, the latter leaping gracefully onto the round pontoon thingy, where Cinccino was waiting opposite her.

"This is it..." Ash commented. "Although, seeing as it's best of three, we've already won."

"These two deserve their final battle," Cilan pointed out, "and I predict we'll be on the edges of our seats!"

Iris wasted no time. "Snivy, leaf storm!"

Snivy leapt into the air, gathering a maelstrom of sharp leaves around her. She hurled the leaves at Cinccino, who just stood there and toughed it out, her fur being reduced to tatters.

"How dare you ruin Cinccino's fur?!" Moira demanded. "Teach her a lesson. Use hyper beam!"

Iris had not been expecting that. Cinccino, her face screwed up in concentration, gathered all of her power into a deadly blast aimed straight at Snivy, who barely managed to get out of the way.

"All right. She'll be exhausted after that hyper beam, so-" Iris began.

"Giga impact!" Moira ordered. Cinccino hurled herself at Snivy, surrounded by a wave of energy, and smashed into the poor leaf snake with all her might.

"Sniiiiiive!" Snivy wailed, both from pain, fear and amazement, as she hurtled through the air and into the mud.

"Snivy! No!" Iris wailed. "Oh, Snivy... actually, are you still conscious?"

"Vy snivy," came a muffled reply from under the mud.

"Oh, thank heavens..." Iris was relieved, then struck by an amazing idea. "Snivy, you're aerodynamic enough to move under the mud, right?"

"Snivy," Snivy confirmed.

"Brilliant! Use growth!" Iris ordered. A faint glow from inside the mire indicated that Snivy was boosting her power.

"Whatever you think you're doing, it won't work," Moira pointed out. "Use rock blast!"

Cinccino hurled a barrage of rocks at the swamp.

"Dodge it, Snivy! Trust your instincts!" Iris ordered. The stones splatted into the mud, but there was no cry of distress from Snivy, so they clearly missed.

"Awesome!" Iris declared. "Now use coil!"

Moira growled. "How dare they use mud against us?! Use hyper beam!"

Cinccino blasted the swamp with another ray of intense energy. There were a few moments of tense silence, then Snivy burst out of the swamp, a film of mud falling off her skin and somehow sparkling in the air. Her eyes glowed with power, and she hurled a handful of grassy energy at the ground. Pillars of glowing green destruction fired up from beneath, smashing the pontoon to bits in spite of how well-built it was, and Cinccino was sent flying high in the air, unconscious.

Thankfully, she had a soft landing.

"...!" was all Moira could think to say, as she was at quite a loss for words.

"All riiiight!" Iris declared, not at a loss for words. "Oh, Snivy, you're so fantastic and you just learned grass pledge somehow!"

Snivy and Iris ran over to each other and embraced, the latter shedding tears of joy.

"That was awesome! It's exactly the sort of thing I would've done!" Ash declared, his eyes shining. "You're both so amazing, Snivy and Iris."

"I don't think any more needs to be said," said Cilan, with surprising calm, "save that Moira owes us a mud bath."

Moira had by now worked herself up into a terrible state. "I... owe you... a bath... in mud?! Absolutely not!"

"You tell them, Moira!" said Mona approvingly.

"I believe recognition should go to the moral victors of this tournament, not the technical ones," Moira said arrogantly. "Those are us."

"WHAT?! How can you say that?!" Iris demanded. "We won legitimately through hard work and the power of friendship, so now you have to do the forefeit we agreed on before the battles!"

"Beautiful people like me don't have to keep promises," Moira sniffed. "It's a pity my idiot sisters didn't understand that."

Cher glared at her. "Moira, we aren't actually sisters. And I don't believe I or Mona is any less beautiful than you."

"I don't believe Mona or I are any less beautiful than you," Mona correcter her.

"Oh, whatever..." Cher sighed. "Moira, you aren't more special than either of us just because you happen to be a little bit prettier. And you're not a little bit prettier."

"I most certainly am!" Moira snapped. "Everyone knows I'm the most beautiful, glamourous member of the Flower Garden Troupe. Why do you think I've sold so many posters?"

"This was... kind of inevitable, wasn't it?" Ash pointed out, looking slightly nervous.

"You are so not prettier than me!" Cher said furiously. "I embody the spirit of bifauxnen glamour, and none could possibly ignore me."

"Bifauxnen?! This isn't a manga comic, Cher. Surely you can see nobody cares for your pathetic pseudo-tomboy style," Moira sniffed.

"Will you two stop arguing?!" Mona interjected.

"NO!" Moira and Cher snapped.

Mona grinned. "See? You agree on something."

"I think we'd best slip away now..." Ash proposed.

"Not yet," said Iris. "Hey, Flower Garden Troupe! If you think about it, you'll realise that being beautiful doesn't change how mean and argumentative you are, and not liking men doesn't make you better women. What's most important in life is what you do, what dreams you have and what differences you make, not how good you look while you're doing things. If looks were everything, the elder of my village would've been fired as soon as she turned forty, and no-one would want to hang out with trubbishes, garbodors or any pokémon which isn't a gardevoir. Do you understand?"

"No!" Cher, Mona and Moira snapped.

"Ccino!" snapped Cinccino.

"Lilli lilligant!" Lilligant declared.

"Rase roserade!" Roserade pointed out.

"Axew xew xew," Axew pointed out calmly. "Xew xew ax axew ax xew axew."

"W-what did he say?!" Moira cried.

"Oh, my," said Cher, grand things suddenly on her mind. "I... I've never thought about it that way before."

Ash, Iris, Cilan and Pikachu looked at each other, dumbfounded.

"Iris, treasure this axew well. She is wise beyond her years," Mona suggested. "And please leave before we call the police."

"Er... fine, fine," said Iris.

"Went as well as could be expected, I guess," Ash commented.

"Indeed," said Cilan. "An unwieldy recipe, yet somehow seen through by three girls and three pokémon with such a passion for truth, justice and feminism that it could never be repressed! Let's blow this pop stand."

Iris, Ash, Pikachu and Axew just stared at him.

Cilan sighed. "What? It's a perfectly good food metaphor!"