Starting Over Again
Chapter 17
Disclaimer: Refer to previous chapter.
Author Notes: I have waited over a month! I am sooooooo sorry! I was grounded. It
was terrible.
Warnings: Squirrel abuse! Hee hee hee! (My friend made me add this!)
"Talking"
'Thinking'
~*~*~*~
"Heero?"
The boy simply nodded from his seat at the kitchen table "Um, what are you doing out
here?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"Ne niether. " Duo laughed a small feeble laugh, "Why can't you?"
Heero talked while Duo made his way across the small kitchen to get a glass of mil,. "One
of those nights. That was truly all the explanation needed and both understood.
It was to be expected. Even the most hardened conscious felt guilt occasionally, and they
were no exception. It was one of the nights where the full weight of their guilty bloody hands hit
and overwhelmed them. It weighed down on them and made them pray for death as penance.
Needless to say that sleep would not come on these nights.
Duo downed his mild and lay a comforting hand on Heero's shoulder from his position
behind the boy. Suddenly, without any warning, he was enveloped in warmth all over. In his
shock Duo tightened his arms to mold perfectly with the other body and there was a brief, sudden
intake of breath as Heero's response was just to close tighter on the anchor he had jumped out of
his seat to grab on to.
"Heero..." Duo stood awkwardly for a few long moments before finally raising a hand to
rub circular patterns in Heero's back.
Five minutes passed, then ten, it was going on fifteen before he dropped the hold
awkwardly and then proceeded to pull his friend to the living room to sin beside him on the
couch. He lifted Heero's head after a few tense moments to look him in the eyes hoping for some
response from his friend. He took one look into the open depths and had to jerk his eyes away.
The silence became heavy and he felt he had seen more about Heero than he could have ever been
told in that moment of openness and without warning or thought he opened his arms to the boy,
to all he'd seen: The guilt raging up, silent battles fought within, grief as those terrible battles of
the past warred again and again behind his young eyes. He saw their friendship and all it held, and
he thought he glimpsed desire ringing out from the depths. He saw so much more. Duo pushed
that aside and took even more initiative and pulled the teen into his arms. All he knew of Heero
amplified... shown in more truth.
Thought thrown out the window for awhile, Duo went back to the soft circular motions.
Heero just sat stiffly against his torso and the whole moment became increasingly tense. Duo was
starting to feel very uncomfortable. Maybe he had made a bac choice.
He was just about to push away and spend a restless night in his own dark, cold room and
leave Heero to his own demons who had once again sought and confronted him. Just about. A
small voice croaked out one word that held him there.
"Why?"
And such a myriad of questions asked on innumeral subjects. Duo's head reeled in the
thought of it all. Why... must we go on now with this in our past? Why have we been allowed?
Why were we forced at so young? And on a more personal note that Duo could feel in the voice
and his subconscious almost voiced those questions on its own. Why the breakup? Why had
they once found love in bloodshed? Why was all this grief and love required in life? So many
more also.
Heero asked himself many others that Duo did not permit his own self to ask. Why must
he be limited to only these hugs? Why had he given up that one chance to love Duo? Why was
he ever so ignorant?
It overwhelmed Duo, he crumpled and pulled Heero closer, as tight as he could against his
chest. Finally Heero relented and folded into the hug. Why, the everlasting and eternal question.
After long minutes Duo brought himself to answer the seemingly rhetorical questions and
brought his lips to his comrade's ear and whispered softly, "I don't know.... I don't know
anything at all." Duo layed his head on to the shoulder that was so close and reveled in the whole
moment. Heero inspected the head so close to his, all that mass of hair and he couldn't resist.
Softly, ever-so-gently, even as Duo closed his yes, he layed a kiss on that beautiful hair and
brought his hand to rest over the place even as Duo's breathing turned deeper and steadier.
Somehow just by being there and holding Duo had made him forget his guilt, if only for
one night. As unexpected as this whole situation was and the pace it moved at Heero was just
shocked that Duo hadn't pushed him away when he mindlessly jumped up to hold the only
comfort and anchor himself to this blood-filled world. Then afterwards he had offered that
warmth. Maybe Heero was making progress afterwards.
And, holding the sleeping boy in his arms, Heero brought his face down to the top of all
that wonderful long hair and took in the scent. With every intention of carrying the boy to his
own room Heero let his head fall onto the others for just a moment, closing his eyes to savor the
moment.
~*~*~*~
Duo blinked sleepily and, behind the darkness of closed eyes, reached out for that
lingering warmth that eagerly spooned against him. He snuggled into it. He felt the leg between
his and smiled at the tickle of hair at his nose. Duo felt warm, content, and calm in this half
conscious realm with that reassuring heartbeat beating steadily beside his. He wriggled a bit and
felt an arm sling over his torso.
Duo's eyes snapped open.
Heero Yuy's face was mere centimeters away from his. He exhaled slowly in near awe.
Little bits of his conscious mind told him to pull away immediatly. He stayed. Maybe it was
because it was so early and Duo hadn't gathered his wits. Maybe it was because just the night
before Duo had realized that his perception was off and Heero could be trusted and he wanted to
hold out on that. All he knew was that he wanted to stay right here and watch his friend. He
watched the boy sleep, inhale and exhale slowly. He saw his delicate eyelashes and eyebrows that
almost added a feminine touch while he was sleeping. He traced the high cheekbones in his mind.
His eyes travelled to pink lips, slightly open and his own tongue darted out to lick his lips before
Duo could stop it. He berated himself lightly in habit.
Heero had retained almost all of his physical appearance from a year ago. He had grown,
maybe an inch. He shifted absentmindedly and Heero stirred, his eyes fluttered open.
Duo's eyes were closed and his breathing even. Had Heero imagined the flash of violet?
He didn't think so.
Heero rose carefully anyways, as to not jolt the seemingly sleeping teen. Duo 'woke'
about five minutes later. Well, at least that spared another awkward moment, Heero thought. He
must of fell asleep on the couch with Duo in his arms.
"Morning Heero," Duo feigned sleepiness and Heero wasn't fooled. Duo had never been
good at lieing - even indirectly.
"Morning." Heero answered and walked off to the kitchen with Duo close behind.
"Any clue on how I ended up on the couch?" Duo took a seat at the table as Heero made
coffee.
"You fell asleep there-" slight hesitation here, "I did too." Heero struggled to be honest.
He needed Duo trust him.
"Is that why I have this crick in my neck. Sort of tight sleeping quarters for two people."
Duo laughed trying to lighen the mood. Heero seemed a little uncomfortable. "That's why it
seemed warmer than my bed too!"
Heero offered him a mug of coffee. "No thanks." He shrugged and drank it himself.
Duo followed him back to the living room still chatting away before groaning in protest as
he pulled his laptop of the room and sat down on the couch with it on hil lap. "No He~ero. Put it
away!" He whined. "God, you'll never in your whole life put that damn thing to rest! I can
imagine you at ninety-eight with arthritis in every bone still clacking away at that hunk of metal."
He burst into laughter at the mental image.
"It's been awhile." Heero protested. "Five me thirty minutes."
Duo stifled another groan. "Fine I'll ... um, take a shower!"
"I'm timing you, Yuy!" He yelled from the bathroom and Heero let a slight smile shine on
his face.
~*~*~*~
Duo felt his reality crashing down around him. Something deep inside asked him silently
an important question: If all he thought he was using to protect himself was lies, if Heero could be
trusted, and if he had enjoyed that simple intimacy this morning, what was keeping him from
furthuring the relationship?
He didn't like Heero that way!
They were best friends sharing an apartment. They had similar interests and shared the
same past. They were simply best friends!
... Another lie.
No matter if he lied to himself or not the truth remained the same: No matter how close
they were they were also ex-lovers who both grieved the breakup. The way he had been
obsessing over Heero in his thoughts from when Heero first moved in – wheter over how to stay
away, if he was looking for a boyfriend of a girlfriend, how hurt he was when he left for J, or how
he was always helping him out– pointed towards one thing.
He turned off the shower. He didn't want to think about this. 'I'll just start new. Simply
see what this relationship holds. No restrictions.'
With his towel wrapped around him he made his way quickly to his room.
~*~*~*~
Heero checked his watch. Thirty minutes. He shut down his computer reluctantly. He
would stay true to his word.
Within a few minutes Duo came out of his room in black jeans and a black shirt. He came
and sat across from Heero with a thoughtful look on his face.
Patiently, Heero waited. Duo was about to say something. Heero met Duo's eyes fully
and Duo began.
"I know you aren't good at this but I want you to answer this question. What would you
classify our current relationship as?"
Heero answered the question. "We act as best friends."
"Are we?" Duo demanded.
"Yes."
There was a brief silence as Duo decided if he really wanted to say what he was about to
say.
"Best friends,... like we are... are supposed to talk about everything? The lines of
communication open?"
Heero nodded affirmitively, bewildered where this was going.
"So I can talk to you about anything?" Another nod. "You promise?"
"Yes, Duo. I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
"Okay. When you first showed up this year, I was very guarded around you. Really, I
hadn't expected nor greatly desired to see you again." Duo stared at his shoes he didn't want to
see Heero's reaction to any of this. Then you asked to live here and I couldn't turn you down so
I figured I'd let you in and make sure I kept a guarded distance. A friendship began to build
between us... I think, but then you just left. I know now your reasons why but then... then I was
hurt. I deceded you used me. But you came back and I found it was all just a bit of
thoughtlessness. We began to build that friendship again and I think I was slowly learning to trust
you even through my barriers. One night you discussed the war however, and the girl, you were
hurt and it hurt me, I wanted to console you so terribly. I was horrified that you had gotten that
close. I ran away. In time though, we continued to get closer. I was always scared though. I was
afraid you would hurt me again. Now we classify this as best friends." There was a
contemplative silence as both boys took in what was said. Heero made a move to say something
but Duo cut him off, want to finish befor he lost his resolve.
"I recently realized that what I was doing was... wrong. It was hampering the friendship
and insulting you. I really was blaming you for something that happened because of me also.
Sure, you left, but I fought, I started it all in a way. I think that if we are friends I should be able
to talk to you like this. I wanted to tell you this and tell you that I want to forget the past and tear
down my guards and tear down my guards and just star over. And I wanted to say sorry for what
I did a year ago and how I've treated you since you came." He closed his eyes. A firm weight
settled beside him.
"I'm sorry also. It hurts me that all this happened. But... I suppose I'm happy we are
starting over. Thank you, Duo."
"Yeah." Duo looked his friend in the eye. "Yeah!" And then Heero was glomped.
~*~*~*~
It took a week.
One whole week for Duo to realize it.
It was one AM and he was up sitting at his window watching a squirrel run circles in his
yard. It was when his thoughts drifted away to cobalt eyes again that he concluded it.
He had a crush on Heero, probably had had one for a long time.
He wanted to run from the thought but he willed himself to accept it. All this running
wasn't doing any good.
The squirrel ran head on into a tree with a thunk. Duo let out a low chuckle. Everything
would be okay.
He crawled back into his cold bed reluctantly.
Everything will be okay, he reassured himself. That was when the terrible thought hit him:
All this time he had assumed that if he ever liked Heero that Heero would like him back. Duo
covered his face in the darkness, "Oh, God."
"No." He whispered stubbornly after a long while, "everything has to be okay." Or at
least Duo hoped.
~*~*~*~
Author Notes: Drawing towards a close, I hope. Only a few chapters left... *sniff*
Anyways, leave reviews! I love my reviews! Tell me what I've done wrong or right. Come on
people, I live off reviews! I NEED reviews!
Chapter 17
Disclaimer: Refer to previous chapter.
Author Notes: I have waited over a month! I am sooooooo sorry! I was grounded. It
was terrible.
Warnings: Squirrel abuse! Hee hee hee! (My friend made me add this!)
"Talking"
'Thinking'
~*~*~*~
"Heero?"
The boy simply nodded from his seat at the kitchen table "Um, what are you doing out
here?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"Ne niether. " Duo laughed a small feeble laugh, "Why can't you?"
Heero talked while Duo made his way across the small kitchen to get a glass of mil,. "One
of those nights. That was truly all the explanation needed and both understood.
It was to be expected. Even the most hardened conscious felt guilt occasionally, and they
were no exception. It was one of the nights where the full weight of their guilty bloody hands hit
and overwhelmed them. It weighed down on them and made them pray for death as penance.
Needless to say that sleep would not come on these nights.
Duo downed his mild and lay a comforting hand on Heero's shoulder from his position
behind the boy. Suddenly, without any warning, he was enveloped in warmth all over. In his
shock Duo tightened his arms to mold perfectly with the other body and there was a brief, sudden
intake of breath as Heero's response was just to close tighter on the anchor he had jumped out of
his seat to grab on to.
"Heero..." Duo stood awkwardly for a few long moments before finally raising a hand to
rub circular patterns in Heero's back.
Five minutes passed, then ten, it was going on fifteen before he dropped the hold
awkwardly and then proceeded to pull his friend to the living room to sin beside him on the
couch. He lifted Heero's head after a few tense moments to look him in the eyes hoping for some
response from his friend. He took one look into the open depths and had to jerk his eyes away.
The silence became heavy and he felt he had seen more about Heero than he could have ever been
told in that moment of openness and without warning or thought he opened his arms to the boy,
to all he'd seen: The guilt raging up, silent battles fought within, grief as those terrible battles of
the past warred again and again behind his young eyes. He saw their friendship and all it held, and
he thought he glimpsed desire ringing out from the depths. He saw so much more. Duo pushed
that aside and took even more initiative and pulled the teen into his arms. All he knew of Heero
amplified... shown in more truth.
Thought thrown out the window for awhile, Duo went back to the soft circular motions.
Heero just sat stiffly against his torso and the whole moment became increasingly tense. Duo was
starting to feel very uncomfortable. Maybe he had made a bac choice.
He was just about to push away and spend a restless night in his own dark, cold room and
leave Heero to his own demons who had once again sought and confronted him. Just about. A
small voice croaked out one word that held him there.
"Why?"
And such a myriad of questions asked on innumeral subjects. Duo's head reeled in the
thought of it all. Why... must we go on now with this in our past? Why have we been allowed?
Why were we forced at so young? And on a more personal note that Duo could feel in the voice
and his subconscious almost voiced those questions on its own. Why the breakup? Why had
they once found love in bloodshed? Why was all this grief and love required in life? So many
more also.
Heero asked himself many others that Duo did not permit his own self to ask. Why must
he be limited to only these hugs? Why had he given up that one chance to love Duo? Why was
he ever so ignorant?
It overwhelmed Duo, he crumpled and pulled Heero closer, as tight as he could against his
chest. Finally Heero relented and folded into the hug. Why, the everlasting and eternal question.
After long minutes Duo brought himself to answer the seemingly rhetorical questions and
brought his lips to his comrade's ear and whispered softly, "I don't know.... I don't know
anything at all." Duo layed his head on to the shoulder that was so close and reveled in the whole
moment. Heero inspected the head so close to his, all that mass of hair and he couldn't resist.
Softly, ever-so-gently, even as Duo closed his yes, he layed a kiss on that beautiful hair and
brought his hand to rest over the place even as Duo's breathing turned deeper and steadier.
Somehow just by being there and holding Duo had made him forget his guilt, if only for
one night. As unexpected as this whole situation was and the pace it moved at Heero was just
shocked that Duo hadn't pushed him away when he mindlessly jumped up to hold the only
comfort and anchor himself to this blood-filled world. Then afterwards he had offered that
warmth. Maybe Heero was making progress afterwards.
And, holding the sleeping boy in his arms, Heero brought his face down to the top of all
that wonderful long hair and took in the scent. With every intention of carrying the boy to his
own room Heero let his head fall onto the others for just a moment, closing his eyes to savor the
moment.
~*~*~*~
Duo blinked sleepily and, behind the darkness of closed eyes, reached out for that
lingering warmth that eagerly spooned against him. He snuggled into it. He felt the leg between
his and smiled at the tickle of hair at his nose. Duo felt warm, content, and calm in this half
conscious realm with that reassuring heartbeat beating steadily beside his. He wriggled a bit and
felt an arm sling over his torso.
Duo's eyes snapped open.
Heero Yuy's face was mere centimeters away from his. He exhaled slowly in near awe.
Little bits of his conscious mind told him to pull away immediatly. He stayed. Maybe it was
because it was so early and Duo hadn't gathered his wits. Maybe it was because just the night
before Duo had realized that his perception was off and Heero could be trusted and he wanted to
hold out on that. All he knew was that he wanted to stay right here and watch his friend. He
watched the boy sleep, inhale and exhale slowly. He saw his delicate eyelashes and eyebrows that
almost added a feminine touch while he was sleeping. He traced the high cheekbones in his mind.
His eyes travelled to pink lips, slightly open and his own tongue darted out to lick his lips before
Duo could stop it. He berated himself lightly in habit.
Heero had retained almost all of his physical appearance from a year ago. He had grown,
maybe an inch. He shifted absentmindedly and Heero stirred, his eyes fluttered open.
Duo's eyes were closed and his breathing even. Had Heero imagined the flash of violet?
He didn't think so.
Heero rose carefully anyways, as to not jolt the seemingly sleeping teen. Duo 'woke'
about five minutes later. Well, at least that spared another awkward moment, Heero thought. He
must of fell asleep on the couch with Duo in his arms.
"Morning Heero," Duo feigned sleepiness and Heero wasn't fooled. Duo had never been
good at lieing - even indirectly.
"Morning." Heero answered and walked off to the kitchen with Duo close behind.
"Any clue on how I ended up on the couch?" Duo took a seat at the table as Heero made
coffee.
"You fell asleep there-" slight hesitation here, "I did too." Heero struggled to be honest.
He needed Duo trust him.
"Is that why I have this crick in my neck. Sort of tight sleeping quarters for two people."
Duo laughed trying to lighen the mood. Heero seemed a little uncomfortable. "That's why it
seemed warmer than my bed too!"
Heero offered him a mug of coffee. "No thanks." He shrugged and drank it himself.
Duo followed him back to the living room still chatting away before groaning in protest as
he pulled his laptop of the room and sat down on the couch with it on hil lap. "No He~ero. Put it
away!" He whined. "God, you'll never in your whole life put that damn thing to rest! I can
imagine you at ninety-eight with arthritis in every bone still clacking away at that hunk of metal."
He burst into laughter at the mental image.
"It's been awhile." Heero protested. "Five me thirty minutes."
Duo stifled another groan. "Fine I'll ... um, take a shower!"
"I'm timing you, Yuy!" He yelled from the bathroom and Heero let a slight smile shine on
his face.
~*~*~*~
Duo felt his reality crashing down around him. Something deep inside asked him silently
an important question: If all he thought he was using to protect himself was lies, if Heero could be
trusted, and if he had enjoyed that simple intimacy this morning, what was keeping him from
furthuring the relationship?
He didn't like Heero that way!
They were best friends sharing an apartment. They had similar interests and shared the
same past. They were simply best friends!
... Another lie.
No matter if he lied to himself or not the truth remained the same: No matter how close
they were they were also ex-lovers who both grieved the breakup. The way he had been
obsessing over Heero in his thoughts from when Heero first moved in – wheter over how to stay
away, if he was looking for a boyfriend of a girlfriend, how hurt he was when he left for J, or how
he was always helping him out– pointed towards one thing.
He turned off the shower. He didn't want to think about this. 'I'll just start new. Simply
see what this relationship holds. No restrictions.'
With his towel wrapped around him he made his way quickly to his room.
~*~*~*~
Heero checked his watch. Thirty minutes. He shut down his computer reluctantly. He
would stay true to his word.
Within a few minutes Duo came out of his room in black jeans and a black shirt. He came
and sat across from Heero with a thoughtful look on his face.
Patiently, Heero waited. Duo was about to say something. Heero met Duo's eyes fully
and Duo began.
"I know you aren't good at this but I want you to answer this question. What would you
classify our current relationship as?"
Heero answered the question. "We act as best friends."
"Are we?" Duo demanded.
"Yes."
There was a brief silence as Duo decided if he really wanted to say what he was about to
say.
"Best friends,... like we are... are supposed to talk about everything? The lines of
communication open?"
Heero nodded affirmitively, bewildered where this was going.
"So I can talk to you about anything?" Another nod. "You promise?"
"Yes, Duo. I'll listen to whatever you have to say."
"Okay. When you first showed up this year, I was very guarded around you. Really, I
hadn't expected nor greatly desired to see you again." Duo stared at his shoes he didn't want to
see Heero's reaction to any of this. Then you asked to live here and I couldn't turn you down so
I figured I'd let you in and make sure I kept a guarded distance. A friendship began to build
between us... I think, but then you just left. I know now your reasons why but then... then I was
hurt. I deceded you used me. But you came back and I found it was all just a bit of
thoughtlessness. We began to build that friendship again and I think I was slowly learning to trust
you even through my barriers. One night you discussed the war however, and the girl, you were
hurt and it hurt me, I wanted to console you so terribly. I was horrified that you had gotten that
close. I ran away. In time though, we continued to get closer. I was always scared though. I was
afraid you would hurt me again. Now we classify this as best friends." There was a
contemplative silence as both boys took in what was said. Heero made a move to say something
but Duo cut him off, want to finish befor he lost his resolve.
"I recently realized that what I was doing was... wrong. It was hampering the friendship
and insulting you. I really was blaming you for something that happened because of me also.
Sure, you left, but I fought, I started it all in a way. I think that if we are friends I should be able
to talk to you like this. I wanted to tell you this and tell you that I want to forget the past and tear
down my guards and tear down my guards and just star over. And I wanted to say sorry for what
I did a year ago and how I've treated you since you came." He closed his eyes. A firm weight
settled beside him.
"I'm sorry also. It hurts me that all this happened. But... I suppose I'm happy we are
starting over. Thank you, Duo."
"Yeah." Duo looked his friend in the eye. "Yeah!" And then Heero was glomped.
~*~*~*~
It took a week.
One whole week for Duo to realize it.
It was one AM and he was up sitting at his window watching a squirrel run circles in his
yard. It was when his thoughts drifted away to cobalt eyes again that he concluded it.
He had a crush on Heero, probably had had one for a long time.
He wanted to run from the thought but he willed himself to accept it. All this running
wasn't doing any good.
The squirrel ran head on into a tree with a thunk. Duo let out a low chuckle. Everything
would be okay.
He crawled back into his cold bed reluctantly.
Everything will be okay, he reassured himself. That was when the terrible thought hit him:
All this time he had assumed that if he ever liked Heero that Heero would like him back. Duo
covered his face in the darkness, "Oh, God."
"No." He whispered stubbornly after a long while, "everything has to be okay." Or at
least Duo hoped.
~*~*~*~
Author Notes: Drawing towards a close, I hope. Only a few chapters left... *sniff*
Anyways, leave reviews! I love my reviews! Tell me what I've done wrong or right. Come on
people, I live off reviews! I NEED reviews!