Okay I'm back. I'm feeling way more relaxed now that I've been able to um . . . confer with Valentine about babies, No! I mean Baldor! Well yes, Baldor is a baby but . . . Where was I in the story? Oh yes, we were turning north from Lake Ilinalta. We passed Half-Moon Mill, and then walked by Rorikstead later on in the afternoon. We picked up some cooked pheasant at the inn and ate it as we walked and started down the road into a river valley. There was a bridge which was by a fortified spot known as Robber's Gorge which crossed one of the tributaries of the Karth River. And there things began to get, what I would call, fun. First there was the wolves and sabre cat, but then when we reached that spot were a road heads off into The Reach past Broken Tower Redoubt and onto Karthwasten, we were set upon by bandits. There were four of them to start with but I killed three of them quickly. I would have killed the last one but Barbas and Valentine killed him before I was able to make it a perfect score.

You know how guys like to talk about the girls they've scored? Well, I like to talk about the guys I've scored. I just penetrate in a slightly different way.

Anyway we got to the river and crossed the bridge where another group of bandits tried to get a toll from us. We paid them in a manner they had not anticipated and it was one of those installment plans where you pay them one at a time? Barbas was finally being useful in that he would leap right in and be all dog over all the bandits. We finally cornered the bandit boss and finished him off and then looted the place while Barbas proved the perfect partner in that he just sat there and asked for nothing. He didn't complain about his share of the treasure. He didn't demand a bottle of mead. He didn't even grumble that we were taking our time sorting through all the stuff and deciding what to take and what to leave behind.

What do you mean unlike me? Don't you smile like that! Isn't it time to feed Baldor? . . . Oh wait . . . That's me . . . *sighs* Just a second.

I was thinking, if only all the women of Skyrim were like him, especially the short and shaggy and flea bitten part? Then the only woman who could claim to be pretty at all would be me. And there was only one of me. And I thought about that and realized that this was good that there was only one of me. Because if there was another one of me I'd be so jealous I'd have to kill her. And then I'd have to get drunk because I'd keep wondering if I had just committed murder or suicide.

But Robber's Gorge had a secret to it. There was a trap door in the back of the hutch which led down to a cave and there we found a diary which led to a chest on an island in the middle of the river and so Valentine and I swam out there and found some very nice stuff including a Dwarven Mace which we figured we could sell for at least 100 septims. And this was back when we were living from stabbed bandit to stabbed bandit for our fun money. So it was a good moment. Then I got one of those ideas I get when I'm in the mood to cause trouble. We were looking at some of the jewelry we had found, and Valentine had figured out that if he pretended he was slipping various rings on my fingers to see which one's looked best on me, he'd get to hold my hand. Of course I didn't really object since all these pretty rings were slipped on and off my fingers. Well, we were wet and in armor, or at least I was. Valentine was in his mage robes which were clinging all over him and he has these really broad shoulders and given all the traveling we were doing he was in perfect physical shape . . . unlike now . . . It was really a stunning view. And armor really is not comfortable when it's soaked. Well, I kept thinking of all these rings being put on and taken off. I starting thinking about things being taken off, so I kind of admit I suggested we lay our armor and clothes out to dry while we go skinny dipping in the river?

Well Valentine by this time had spent enough time with me that he knew I could be a deliberate tease, like the time we had just killed and skinned a cave full of bears and I asked him if he wanted to see my bare chest and when he said yes, I pointed to the bear's front I had just skinned.

Oh? That was after we were married? Well never mind then.

Anyway he looks rather skeptical like he's certain that is what I was trying to do. Which I was I admit. I was just going to go a little farther than I normally do, meaning I had it in my head I really wanted him to see me. And maybe get it into his head that I wanted him to go to bed with me that night. I'd work him up and then decide that I didn't want him after all and he was such a gentleman I knew he wouldn't try to push it . . .

What? What do you mean that was a . . . No I said that entirely innocently . . . Well I wasn't being entirely innocent that night yes . . . But . . . You have SUCH a dirty mind.

Now where was I before Valentine had to make a comment. Yes, he's just standing there with his arms folded and not at all acting like he did the time I was trying to take a bath in the Hjal river. So being that I don't like being thwarted, I walk up to him and start to work on the fastenings of his robes. Well he starts to fight me off, but not in the manner that would actually discourage me, you know, he's grabbing my hands and not punching me and it's turning into a little playful wrestle. I figured I could get our stuff off us this way too because I know just what sort of hand holds I need to employ. But that's when the dragon swooped right out of the sky and attacked.

I was really mad at that dragon. Especially because he was swooping in. I hate it when they swoop.

Yes, Valentine I heard that. No I'm not going to say it. Tell the story yourself and then you can say it.

And that dragon kept swooping too. He would fly straight up and then come straight down and always aimed at Valentine which really irritated me because in the outfit Valentine was wearing? He wasn't going to last very long, even with me. Of course he gulps down a fire resistance potion and gets a few fire bolts off but mostly he has to run and duck out of the way of that frost breath that the dragon is blowing at him.

Yes, it was a fire resistance potion! You pulled out a red bottle and not a white bottle. Well of course I know my bottles, why are you saying that anyway . . . Wait! You are so asking for a kick, Valentine!

Well, back to the dragon then. He's attacking Valentine and so I shouted, "Look at you! Not even the villagers are afraid of you!"

The dragon continued to ignore me and I was starting to get irritated like I always do when I'm not the center of attention . . . I mean . . . Never mind. The dragon still was swooping at Valentine and he dived under the water of the river and then the dragon dived in after him and got water logged. So he couldn't take off again. I was able to close in on the dragon, shooting more fire bolts at him and telling that dragon that I was going to be feasting on his soul which wasn't entirely true because Valentine was the Dragonborn and not me so I kind of tried to correct that in my taunts but it didn't come out very intimidating. But the dragon didn't care what I was saying. He was utterly determined to get Valentine. Valentine popped up out of the water, fired off a fire bolt at the dragon which got him in the face, and then dived back under as the dragon tried to freeze him. That gave me the chance to come in on the side and start hacking his scales off. And that was how the fight ended a moment later. That dragon kept trying to freeze Valentine who kept jumping up out of the water and shooting fire bolts while I jabbed from the side. And so we killed the dragon and Valentine just stood there with a sad look on his face as the power all swirled around him.

By the time we have the remains of the dragon taken care of, the sun had set. I really like sun sets so I was just gazing at the western sky. Valentine came up behind me and put his arms around me and I sort of just got all sentimental, which I really don't do well. I started to panic and insisted that I needed to get to bed. And that's when, tricky guy that he is, he just turned and with me still under his left arm, he and I kind of walked back to the small house which was at the back of the camp. I was suddenly thinking he was going to take me to bed after all and I really didn't want to stop him. And I'm having this fight in my head where part of me is wanting him to not stop and the other part of is yelling at me that I'm an idiot about to get used again. But when we get to that bedroom, there's only a single bed, meaning not a double. He gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said "Nighty night," and walked back out and there I was. Just standing there.

He was SUCH a tease that night.

Needless to say I slept in the hutch with a roof over my head and a nice window while he settled in the big fur tent down a bit. I couldn't get to sleep. I lay on my side and looked out that window at that big tent where he was sleeping, kind of wishing I had a good enough excuse to go down there and sleep next to him. Why I wanted to do this remains one of life's mysteries because he often snored which would wake me up.

Still does by the way. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Well I was thinking. I mean guys did these things to me because I was pretty and they wanted me to fall into bed with them. I'd play them until they got fed up and went in search of some girl not as pretty or as clever. But I kept having this crazy feeling that Valentine wasn't doing these things so much as to get me into bed with him, though he clearly was attracted to me. Like every one else of course. But there was this idea that he was doing nice things to me not just to keep me around, but because he thought it would help me be happy.

He wanted me to be happy.

The other guys, they wanted to be happy. They were looking at me to make them happy. My happiness had nothing to do with it. But Valentine wanted me to be happy. And I didn't know what to do about that. I kept thinking, it was just a smarter and more clever scheme. It really wasn't until we got to Riften that I realized that he really did want to make me happy. That it wasn't a scheme or trick. It was real. But he's told you all about Riften and if I tell you all about Riften I'll get it into my head that I want to drag him back into bed with me and I've already done that while telling this story and . . . damn it.

This remembering is making me all sentimental and I don't do sentimental so I fell asleep and when we woke up the next morning, we continued up the road towards Dragon's Bridge. Thing were pretty quiet for a bit until we got to the first bridge. There are three bridges in that area of Hjaalmarch and we were at the southernmost when we came across a plundered wagon. It was a merchant's wagon and there were a lot of nice rugs which I would have loved to have if we could have carried them. And it was a really nice wagon too, but the horse was as dead as the merchant and his wife. So I settled for raiding the knapsack and seeing what the woman's diary had to say. It was all about how she was going to go with him on this trip and nothing remotely stimulating about it like say, "The Lusty Argonian Maid"?

In the meantime, Valentine was trying to bury the corpses. He worked on the ground for a bit with his pick but the ground proved too stony. Something I could have told him but he didn't ask me. Well he proceeded to take the two bodies and then gently lowered them into the river. I thought that was a waste of time since the vultures were more than capable of picking the corpses clean and the wolves were more than able to run off with the bones and I pointed this out to Valentine. He just looked at me and sighed.

From there we continued veering to the west until the road turned back north and we crossed the Karth into Haafinger proper at Dragon's Bridge. The road turned east and we had to follow it even though Rimrock was more to the north and west. There were those cliffs which could not be climbed so we had to go around them. I didn't have too much of a problem with that, that's just Skyrim. Besides a Cave Bear charged us and we got to kill it so it was the perfect start to a perfect morning. I mean, don't you ever just wake up and see the sun shining outside, the flowers are blooming, there's a cooling breeze, and it's early summer so that the winter's cold is a thing of the past? On days that perfect, don't you just want to go out and kill something?

I wasn't asking you, Valentine.

From there we cut across country going south of Clearpine Pond and then picked up the road again when it turned north after Lost Echo Cave. And this is when a woman in hysterics came running up to us and begged us for a cure disease potion. She said she had been bitten by a vampire. Pfft! I had heard stories before. But this one was definitely one of the more well acted. You could almost swear she had been in a fight with them. Well my gullible Valentine, he couldn't give her a potion since he didn't have any, but he directed her to the nearest Shrine of Talos and she had sufficient wit to act grateful and she dashed off. But we were just about an hour from Rimerock Burrow by that point so nothing more happened until we reached the entrance to the Burrow. Valentine turned to Barbas. I was beginning to mentally go through the list as we called it and I figured Valentine was now getting the next bit of information about this axe from Barbas so it would be fresh in our minds as we snuck in.

"So what's the story behind the Rueful Axe?" he asked.

"One of Clavicus' little jests," replied Barbas. I was looking very closely at that dog and his mouth was not moving. We could hear him perfectly but he wasn't actually speaking the words. It was so weird because it was like it was all in my head. And I don't mean that kind either. "A wizard named Sebastian Lort had a daughter who worshipped Hircine," continued Barbas. "When the daughter became a werewolf it drove Sebastian over the edge. He couldn't stand to see his little girl take on such a bestial form. The wizard wished for the ability to end his daughter's curse. Clavicus gave him an axe."

Valentine looked at me as if to say he didn't find it funny at all, and yeah, I was giggling. It annoyed me at the time but now that I have Baldor, I can kind of understand why Valentine didn't find it funny. I don't think I would find it funny any more either. I mean it's one thing if Valentine were to become a werewolf, so long as he didn't start doing that thing on my leg, but to see Baldor turn, I don't know if I would like that very much.

"What do you think?" he asked me.

"What do you mean?" I replied. "We slip in, kill this wizard, take the axe, what more is there to this?"

"I don't know if I want to kill that wizard," he said. "I mean let's face it, he didn't do anything wrong as far as we can tell. And the only reason why he's got that axe is because he loved his daughter."

"Well how do you think we're going to get that axe?" I said. I rested my hands on my hips and gave him a stare. I couldn't think of how this could end in any fashion other than violently. It was pretty typical of our adventures in Skyrim. We go into a cave, or tomb, or fort to get something for someone, we end up killing everything in it, and we come out with stuff and if it's a really good adventure, mead.

He paused, looked at Barbas, and looked back at me. It was a really strange feeling I was having. On one hand I was getting irritated because he was having one of his moral fits, but on the other hand, I was feeling a little bit guilty that I was irritated with him.

"Okay," he sighed. "Let's sneak in and see if we can't slip off with it. If it ends in conflict, so be it. Should have known given we were dealing with the daedra."

Barbas just sat there and panted like a typical ragged flea infested Skyrim mutt.

So we snuck in and got a look at the burrow. It looked to be a two level cave. There was a lower area and an upper area. But in the lower area was a flame atronach whom Barbas promptly charged. That alerted the wizard so Valentine's plan that we would just slip in and out didn't work. The wizard summoned another flame atronach, I was attacking with ice bolts and sword, and Valentine was streaming frost and ice bolts as well. As the atronachs died, they exploded. Well it was pretty spectacular with all the magic and explosions and it was over a little bit too soon for my tastes. I like explosions, when I'm not in them of course.

The axe was laying on top of one of those ancient Nord stone tables and there was a back room where the wizard had lived. Valentine and I searched it and while Valentine was thumbing through the books I suggested that I was thirsty. He smiled and gave me a bottle of wine. So we sat down on the bed together while he thumbed through the books and I drank the bottle of wine and found myself leaning up against him. It was a good half an hour before he was done with all the books. There was one which was worth putting in the knapsack for sale. He then stood up and turned around and reached for my hand to help me up and I found myself looking into his eyes. I think it was then that I noticed they were a very soft green color. I kept looking into them. I wasn't seeing the sort of things I had seen in a guy's eyes before. I saw something soft and gentle. I realized I really wanted to kiss him.

So I turned my back on him and walked on out of the cave. I could hear Valentine sigh behind me and a little part of me wanted to whimper but I had learned I could only count on myself. So I slapped that little whiny girl inside of me down. In about an hour or so, while we were walking down the road and preparing to cut across the hill country of Haafinger to the cliffs above Dragonsbridge, I had forgotten it.

We made it back to Robber's Gorge that evening. And I had my plans already figured out. So when Valentine got to that round fur tent and proceeded to prepare the one cot for sleeping in, I just prepared the other.

"Don't you want to sleep up in the hutch?" He asked.

"There were crawling things in the furs," I replied lying. "So I had a hard time getting to sleep."

"Sorry about that," he said. "If I had known I wouldn't have put you up there."

"You didn't put me up there," I countered. "I would have gone there without your assistance."

"Why don't you just come clean and admit that you are attracted to me," he said.

You know, if I hadn't known Valentine, and if he hadn't known me, that reply would have made no sense. I knew he knew.

"We're going to bed now . . . I mean separate!" My heart was going all thumpity on me. I was not going to admit that I was falling in love with him.

"Okay," he said. "Goodnight, my beautiful Sofia."

And so there I was, laying in the cot next to him, trying to convince myself that he was mocking me and knowing that he wasn't. Then a little voice in my head suggested that it would have been better if I had slept up on that hutch since it would have sent a message that I was not attracted to Valentine. Then a second little voice was telling the first little voice that if I had I would have been wanting to be down here. And then there was third little voice that was suggesting that we were not close enough and I should have pushed my cot next to his and snuggled up to him. Then a fourth little voice said I should not only push the cot up against his but rape him as well. Then the first little voice said that girls can't rape guys and besides he was obviously willing which meant it couldn't be rape. Then the fourth little voice called the first voice a fat ugly slut and the next thing I knew I had a bar brawl going on inside my head. Of course I won.

We were up early and we walked all day. It wasn't until a while after sunset that we reached Haemar's Shame. Once again we walked through the entire cave system and through the platforms. The torches were still burning and the snow was still not melting. I'm not sure how late it was. You always lose time in caves, but once again we were standing in front of the statue with Barbas and the Rueful Axe. Valentine pulled out the axe and with Barbas beside him on the right and me on the left, he lifted the axe up to the statue.

"Ah, you've got the axe," observed Clavicus. "And my dog, splendid."

"I'm glad you're pleased," said Valentine. And since we're back, would you now fulfill your end of the bargain?"

"Excellent work," continued Clavicus. "A hero and his faithful companion, retrieving the ancient artifact for the prince. It's almost . . . storybook." Then there was a pause. Suddenly I had this gnawing feeling in my stomach that something bad was about to happen. "Ah, but it almost seems a shame to give a weapon like that away, doesn't it?" mused Clavicus in a voice that only pretended to be sympathetic. "I suppose I could be persuaded to let you keep it . . ." I was sure Valentine was taking a deep breath like I was, but as I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, he seemed perfectly calm. How could he do that?

"But only if you use the axe to kill Barbas," said Clavicus. "Simple as that."

You know? It was funny when he talked about how by killing the vampires we were helping him fulfill one last wish for them. But in spite of the fleas and muck on Barbas, he had helped us. And didn't Clavicus complain about being stuck in the middle of nowhere? What was he thinking? Or was this all just part of the game he was playing? I looked at Valentine.

"Nice offer," replied Valentine. "But Sofi and I don't use two handed weapons. So we'll have to say no to the deal. Take the axe and take back Barbas!"

But then it dawned on me that the axe could have been sold for a pile of septims and we could have had a really nice time with all that money. My feelings were really complex right then.

"Hrmph," complained Clavicus. "You're no fun at all. Guess I'll have to make my own fun elsewhere. And with the pup back, I'll be restored to my full power. There's a whole world just waiting for me!"

I mean it was one of those lines you hear in really cheap melodramas? And he said it just like he was in one.

"I knew I could trust you," said Barbas who was jumping about like a dog and getting his fur on me. I tried batting him away but he was persistent.

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Clavicus. "Dog gets master, master gets cosmic axe, everyone's happy. Just get over here, mutt."

"Don't worry," assured Barbas. "I'll make sure he sees the light. I trusted you, now you trust me."

And then there was that blue ball with the twang which Valentine and I would learn over time was the sound and magic of a portal spell of some sort. And suddenly Barbas was a stone statue under Calvicus's right hand.

"Ah, that feels so much better!" said Clavicus. "You forget how nice supreme power feels until you've been stuck in a cave for a few years."

Like I said, the idea that we were supposed to kill Barbas kind of made no sense. I wasn't sure what to believe.

"It's a shame you wished for something so dull as me taking back the mutt. Quite the lack of imagination on your part. A lack of ambition like that really ought to be punished. Perhaps by turning you into a worm, or maybe a few decades of . . ."

Clavicus got silent for a second. I realized I was holding Valentine's hand with both of mine. I wasn't so much scared that he was about to do something to me. I realized that I was scared Clavicus was about to do something to Valentine.

"Oh, fine! Have my boon and be done with it. Got more interesting deals to make, anyway," he finished very much like a little boy would finish before he would go off to pout.

There was this curious horned helmet in front of us but neither of us were paying much attention to it, we were busy kind of looking at each other and being glad things had worked out ok.

I exhaled. And let go of Valentine's hand. And then Valentine let out a breath.

"I thought we were in trouble there for a moment," he said. "I was so scared he'd do something to you."

And then before I knew it he had given me a hug and a kiss. I will admit I sort of got into the kiss. Well you have to admit that when the first thing that comes out of the guy's mouth is that he was worried something horrible was going to happen to you, it's kind of hard to not be appreciative. But then I remembered that I wasn't supposed to be falling in love with him so I backed off and told him to watch it. And he smiled at me because of course he knew better.

"One of these days," he said with that little grin of his. "You're going to crack."

And when he grinned at me that way, I knew I was going to. So I turned my back on him, picked up the mask and looked at it and then noticed that there were a set of stairs going up behind the statue.

"Val?" I asked. "Did we check up there last time?"

"I don't think so," he said.

He turned and went up the stairs and we found a raised ledge behind the statue where a single tunnel led somewhere we had not checked out yet. It was barred but when you pulled the chain handle next to it, the bars came down. Valentine was busy with that when I noticed the chest which was directly behind the statue. I opened it and there were several gems, an enchanted sword of some sort and then this big white faceted ball.

"Wow!" I said. "A shiny ball!"

I really like shiny balls. Okay, so it's a bit of randomness, but I really do like them. Valentine turned and looked back as I lifted it up to show him.

"A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON."

You know? You really can't be too careful about who's balls you grab. Wait! No! I didn't mean . . .

Never mind *sighs*.

The End

This From Jack