He's perfect, and you're not.

He's a hundred watt bright smiles and loud cheerfulness, he's colorful and shiny like the past you left behind, and he smells of sunshine and loyalty and cologne.

He's everything you ever wanted to be and everything you ran away from.

You know that, when you look at him, you shouldn't even be allowed to - he turns to face you and smiles, and you decide he shouldn't be allowed- shouldn't be allowed to smile like that, like you're the only thing in the world and he's looking at you, only at you - you know that's not true.

You know that very well.

He's flawless, and you're disgusting.

Disgusting, when you demurely return his greetings and mutter a "Fine, and you?"; disgusting, when he laughs at your half-hearted attempts to make humor; disgusting, when he hugs you and bids you goodnight and you blush, wish you could stay like that forever; disgusting, when you want him to be yours.

He's the only light in the dim abyss that is your life, and you hate yourself for allowing him that.

When you think about it, you can't keep the voices out of your system, those insults - "you can't do anything right, anything, you're just useless, useless, useless - you killed your own father, do you really think you deserve him? - you monster, you murderer, you should be arrested only for looking at him - a freak, that's what you are, men shouldn't look at other men that way and you should feel ashamed for allowing those thoughts to enter your mind - aren't you ashamed of yourself? You're sullying him with such muddy thoughts-

You then curl on your couch and will them to stop, to shut up- but you know they're right, that they only speak the truth-

He's perfect and happy and you're staining him with your impure feelings.

And when he embraces you, when he whispers to you those languid, wonderful words you don't deserve, you silently plead him to please stop, you're unworthy, but you say nothing, and for once only allow yourself to enjoy the moment, to breathe in his warmth and sunlight and then you cry in his shoulder, because why, he's too wonderful and deserves better, but he hushes and shushes you, envelopes you tighter, no, it's alright, you're not worthless, I love you-

You're not sure if to believe him or not, but for once in a lifetime you can rest easy and you can breathe again.